Breaking up with someone who hasn't done anything wrong

[lucy_in_disguise]

This section is full of people who've been hurt, and I'm sorry for you pain. I don't see a lot of dumpers around here. But, I am confused and need support as well. I turn to you.

 

I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We've never broken up and don't even fight much. He's a great guy and has been a good boyfriend. I've tried my best too. I think we're both pretty decent people.

 

So the issue is he is supposed to be moving in... And I just can't shake off this feeling of dread. After 3 years I still don't want to marry him. I can see it happening... And it would be a great marriage. By my own standards. I just don't want it. I can't explain why.

 

Now, I know the issue is me. Its truly is not him, it's me, as the cliche goes; and I worry there is something profoundly wrong with me for feeling this way. Or rather, feeling nothing at all...

 

I know I need to break up with him. Ive played this game.... i love him, i Love him not, for too long, and I'm wasting his time.

 

But I can't seem to be able to do it. He words just won't come out. He is so wonderful and it seems unfair to hurt him.

 

Help ?!

[xxoo]

So the issue is he is supposed to be moving in... And I just can't shake off this feeling of dread. After 3 years I still don't want to marry him. I can see it happening... And it would be a great marriage. By my own standards. I just don't want it. I can't explain why.

 

Now, I know the issue is me. Its truly is not him, it's me, as the cliche goes; and I worry there is something profoundly wrong with me for feeling this way. Or rather, feeling nothing at all...

 

I know I need to break up with him. Ive played this game.... i love him, i Love him not, for too long, and I'm wasting his time.

 

Have you told him any of this?

 

You need to communicate these doubts, and share what you are feeling---and not feeling.

[carhill]

OP, if you're still taking the medications indicated in this post, that could account for your 'lack of feelings' here. Certain psych medications affect emotional content and response.

 

Also, how would you compare this three year LTR with past LTR's, both as to feeling as well as your impressions of your partners?

[chris21422]

This is the same thing happened to my with my ex gf. What she did is she tried to be distant.. Not saying I love you being cold etc etc..

 

When the time that I notice it.. I ask what's wrong she said nothing I'm just stress and tired She keep this for too long like 2 weeks..

 

when the time she did it. I didn't beg at all, I just didn't respond to her email anymore and just suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth. She didn't hear a thing from me. Then after 3 weeks of breaking up and no contact she suddenly contacted me saying "Hi!! How are you? heard about the bad weather in your hometown is your'e family ok?"

 

I replied after 12 hrs saying "I'm doing great and they are fine. Thanks"

 

and she didn't respond.

 

I say do it now don't waste his time but also be 100% sure that when you do this you will never regret it after months or years.

 

It's rare that you find a nice guy or maybe you just taking him for granted because you have him now but sooner or later you will realize that the grass isn't really greener on the other side..

 

Good luck on your decision..

[smuggy95]

whatever you decide, please talk to him about it ASAP. even if you're not sure, and you might not do it...he can't be blindsided by this, if you love him.

And maybe it's not all you. Maybe there is something missing for both of you...you can only find out and work on it if you let him know.

 

But bottom line is...please don't make this out of the blue for him. My ex was kind enough to let me know her doubts. So when the final decision came, i knew exactly where she was coming from, that it wasn't something I did, or someone else. It was because what we had was OK but just wasn't right.

[Never Again]

Have you told him any of this?

 

You need to communicate these doubts, and share what you are feeling---and not feeling.

 

whatever you decide, please talk to him about it ASAP. even if you're not sure, and you might not do it...he can't be blindsided by this, if you love him.

And maybe it's not all you. Maybe there is something missing for both of you...you can only find out and work on it if you let him know.

 

But bottom line is...please don't make this out of the blue for him. My ex was kind enough to let me know her doubts. So when the final decision came, i knew exactly where she was coming from, that it wasn't something I did, or someone else. It was because what we had was OK but just wasn't right.

 

BINGO!

 

OP, doubts in a relationship are normal.

 

One of the biggest cliches out there - that RUINS loads of relationships - is that you should "just know" or "just feel" when something is right. People love to throw around these romantic ideas that doubts are awful and signs that something is wrong and you should move on.

 

Sometimes, whatever's missing is there (or could be), but is hidden because of stress, life upheavals or self-doubt.

 

Sometimes "cold feet" come about for no good reason, and sometimes they're an indication that something is wrong...but you just don't know what.

 

No matter what you decide to do in the end, talk to him. Let him know what you're thinking and feeling.

 

My ex did not do what smuggy's did - she realized she didn't know herself or what she wanted, and she held it in because she WANTED to be with me...but something felt off. I knew she was stressed from work and continued to offer her support through that stress, and what completely blindsided by the breakup.

 

If you care about someone, even if it's not "love", don't spring a trap on them. Talk to him as soon as you can.

 

If you still feel like things are wrong after you talk to him, then just rip the bandaid off as fast as possible.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Have you told him any of this?

 

You need to communicate these doubts, and share what you are feeling---and not feeling.

 

I haven't communicated this recent bout of doubts. But the doubts have been present the entire time we have been together, and we have discussed them in the Past. These discussions have helped me to recommit by making me feel guilty, but have not solved the underlying problems.

 

The underlying problems for me are:

 

1. He watches a TON of tv, and I find myself joining in most of the time when we are together. Now, I get that that's not a crime. There are far worse things he can be doing.

 

But I grew up in a house without television. My parents beleived the boob tube rotted brains. And I tend to agree. I feel that at best, it's a colossal waste of time. There are a tin of other things id rather be doing. But he loves his television. I am scared of losing control o er this aspect once he moves in.

 

2. I feel like I compromise a lot for this relationship, and have a hard time not keeping count. This has led to resentment and my questioning whether he is holding me back.

 

For example, I have always wanted to move back to my home town (which just happens to be san francisco, one of the best places on earth.) it is absolutely not an option ever for him. Recently I turned down an amazing job opportunity because, again... He was totally inflexible in moving or making it work long-distance.

 

I don't like the city we live in, I have no connection to it besides what I've built up through work. If I want an awesome career (and I thought I did) I would have to move for my job. Bu his pov is this is where he wants to settle. If I am not on the same page, he has said he does not want to "hold me back", so I should feel free to leave.

 

3. Connection

This is more of a soft issue than a quantifiable problem, and I', not sure how to bring it up without doing irreparable damage to our relationship. I feel like for me, the connection is not as strong as I'd hoped for in my "terminal" relationship. I dont feel mentally stimulated and We just don't have that much fun together.

 

I'm not sure if this is an actual problem. I've heard it both ways when it comes to this topic, and maybe I am just taking him for granted. But it is a little disappointing that that feeling of being appreciated and understood for my brain tends to come from outside.

 

These issues are not new. To put it in context, I've been on the verge of ending it for the reasons above on at least 4 different occasions. 3 resulted in serious conversations about how we would work on our relationship, and a promise that I would go to therapy (he beleived I was just depressed). For what it's worth, my therapist thought I should leave him. She also thought I was codependendent and I stays because I put others' needs over mine.

 

I think I stay because I want a really nice person, and he is one. It doesn't seem fair to leave when he's done nothing wrong and tries so hard.

 

But Im just not sure how to get past our issues. Or rather, how to reprogram myself so I don't crave that, which we lack.

 

Our pattern usually is: my doubts increase in intensity -> I try to spend more time alone-> I am happier by myself and want to break up-> I feel really guilty for having these thoughts and throw myself back in with a vengeance. We go back to the same old routine. But the old doubt always comes creeping back.

[lucy_in_disguise]

More info to put this in context. I really need help here figuring out if this is the right decison!

 

Our affection is borne of the mundane (cuddling on the couch and cooking dinner ) so naturally, my doubts tend to seep in when we aren't spending time together. In this relationship much more so than others, the old cliche of out of sight, out of mind, seems to hold true.

 

Is that a problem? On the one hand, it seems easy enough to fix... Just spend more time together. On the other hand, I would hope our bond would b strong enough to withstand some time apart.

 

In this most recent example, I am in the process of renovating my kitchen. It's a big project with a set timeline that I am tackling by myself weekends and after work. He has not offered to help, even though according to plan, he will be living here come the next year (thus the timeline). He has been pressuring me to finish up faster or hire out the work, but no offers to come help me paint or life heavy objects.

 

I actually don't resent him for this, because he made it clear when I was buying my condo, that he did not support that decison, and never wanted to be involved in any of my projects.

 

But it's still disappointing, and, in my opinion, an opportunity for us to bond, that he missed.

 

The net effect is that the project keeps me from spending time with him. I am at my place sanding and priming while he is at his, catching up on all our shows. I am feeling disconnected and guilty for not being with him, at the same time.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think based on what you described, you need to reevaluate whether a relationship with him is something that's going to make you happy in the long-run. Notice I didn't say that a relationship is in general bad for you, but it does sound like you guys have a lot of incompatibilities and his lack of compromise ( moving to a place where you can pursue a better career) just screams selfishness to me.

 

Does he also lack ambition?

 

Based on my own experiences and from personal readings i have had, I believe love is when you're not asking for something in return but rather what you can give and offer to the other person. I know you said you're a very giving person, almost to the point of being a doormat. Has your fiancee reciprocated in kind?

 

If as you've said, you're already building resentment, that resentment will continue to grow, and might eventually affect your marriage.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think based on what you described, you need to reevaluate whether a relationship with him is something that's going to make you happy in the long-run. Notice I didn't say that a relationship is in general bad for you, but it does sound like you guys have a lot of incompatibilities and his lack of compromise ( moving to a place where you can pursue a better career) just screams selfishness to me.

 

Does he also lack ambition?

 

Based on my own experiences and from personal readings i have had, I believe love is when you're not asking for something in return but rather what you can give and offer to the other person. I know you said you're a very giving person, almost to the point of being a doormat. Has your fiancee reciprocated in kind?

 

If as you've said, you're already building resentment, that resentment will continue to grow, and might eventually affect your marriage.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Re: the career, his argument was that moving for him would have been a bigger compromise ( because he'd be giving up his job and family) than the compromise of staying was for me. That may have been true, but it's the lack of flexibility that bugs me. I am a person who gets off on scheming about the future. My whole family is like that. He is someone who is content with what he has and life's simple pleasures. I like (well-planned for) risks. He does not see the point. I think it's this mismatch of attitudes that is the biggest obstacle to my being happy. I have both to accept it and to change but I feel these are defining characteristics for both of us. We are just so far apart on the spectrum, that I am not sure we're compatible.

 

The ambition thing was actually a sore subject between us for a while. When we first met, he talked like he was ambitious abut his career, something that previously was a requirement of mine. A few weeks later, he got demoted (and almost fired) from his job. I stuck by him, assuming he'd pick up and move on. Instead, he changed his attitude about what he wanted from his job. Suddenly, the new boring job was fine, as long as he was getting a paycheck.

 

This bugged me a lot for a while. But I've mostly accepted that he is just not ambitious. He still works pretty hard and works out which is important to me. And he makes ok money ( I do well too) so we should be able to afford to have a kid together.

 

To me, I realized ambition was more of a nice to have, vs. a need.

Edited November 17, 2013 by lucy_in_disguise

[regine_phalange]

Happened to me with my first boyfriend whom I always love.

 

At that time, I also felt my needs weren't catered. It was my hardest breakup (and I have been in very nasty ones). I could not even eat for a week because I thought I'd hurt him so much! But being patient, after some time it just felt the right decision. I now understand we were both inexperienced, self centered and naive. And incompatible, because we were so much similar people it was boring!

 

We have both moved on after so many years. I always want him to be happy, and if he ever invited me to his wedding I would be the first to go and cheer for him.

 

Just follow your gut!

[Never Again]

Well, it seems he HAS done some things wrong...or at least isn't doing anything right.

 

If you've got it in you, you may want to consider having a serious sitdown with him. Not to discuss "doubts", but deal breakers.

 

I've seen couples that are on total opposite ends of the spectrum...but they are flexible and compromise with each other. They listen to each other's concerns and work together.

 

If he's unwilling to support you and help you work towards your goals while he helps you work through his...then it's better that you move on.

 

You should never stay in a relationship out of guilt or obligation.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well, it seems he HAS done some things wrong...or at least isn't doing anything right.

 

If you've got it in you, you may want to consider having a serious sitdown with him. Not to discuss "doubts", but deal breakers.

 

I've seen couples that are on total opposite ends of the spectrum...but they are flexible and compromise with each other. They listen to each other's concerns and work together.

 

If he's unwilling to support you and help you work towards your goals while he helps you work through his...then it's better that you move on.

 

You should never stay in a relationship out of guilt or obligation.

 

 

I think it's more that I may not be compatible with him, vs. he is doing something wrong. It's a valid choice to watch tv instead of helping with a kitchen renovation project u had no input on in the first place. With regards to flexibility re: careers, he has stated upfront he does not place a high value on career, but does on friends and family, who are all here with him. He has been honest. It is my choice to decide whether or not I can build my life around that.

[Never Again]

I think it's more that I may not be compatible with him, vs. he is doing something wrong. It's a valid choice to watch tv instead of helping with a kitchen renovation project u had no input on in the first place. With regards to flexibility re: careers, he has stated upfront he does not place a high value on career, but does on friends and family, who are all here with him. He has been honest. It is my choice to decide whether or not I can build my life around that.

 

His choices may be valid, but his inability to be flexible towards you and your wants/needs is not.

 

You're making excuses for him, which is making this harder than it needs to be.

 

You should not be faced with "building your life" around his choices - you should both be willing to build around each other.

 

There will always be incompatibilities in couples. By being inflexible and unwilling to set aside these silly "principles" (not willing to help you because he doesn't agree with the condo even though he's moving in and pressuring you to hurry up?) he is refusing to meet you halfway. That is doing something wrong - being so stubborn as to not support your partner? Wrong. Big time.

[hurts2death]

i see a disorder here. we can do our best helping you.the first thing in the morning is to visit a consellor.then when you are cured from the disorder we talk the break up if it still exists. dont let my name fooll you.

This section is full of people who've been hurt, and I'm sorry for you pain. I don't see a lot of dumpers around here. But, I am confused and need support as well. I turn to you.

 

I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years. We've never broken up and don't even fight much. He's a great guy and has been a good boyfriend. I've tried my best too. I think we're both pretty decent people.

 

So the issue is he is supposed to be moving in... And I just can't shake off this feeling of dread. After 3 years I still don't want to marry him. I can see it happening... And it would be a great marriage. By my own standards. I just don't want it. I can't explain why.

 

Now, I know the issue is me. Its truly is not him, it's me, as the cliche goes; and I worry there is something profoundly wrong with me for feeling this way. Or rather, feeling nothing at all...

 

I know I need to break up with him. Ive played this game.... i love him, i Love him not, for too long, and I'm wasting his time.

 

But I can't seem to be able to do it. He words just won't come out. He is so wonderful and it seems unfair to hurt him.

 

Help ?!