colts45 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I got caught texting and emailing a girl from work (different branch), the emails & text went on for nearly 2 months. My wife and I have a 1 year old together and we've been married for 4 years. The work emails consisted of me telling multiple lies to co-worker. Later text revealed co-worker and I calling each other 'babe' and 'sweetie' among other things. This obviously devastated my wife and it seemed like we were going to get through this at first until she seen the emails a few days later, where I lied about not being married. My wife texted her and called her work, she then told me that the girl admitted that we were intimate. Which is not true, even the girl I was emailing showed me proof of recorded phone calls and even text messages that there was no mention of intimacy of any sort. Which is true, I never even held her hand. No lunches, no after work or weekend meet-ups. Now my wife packed up and left along with our 1 year old yesterday. My wife said I would still be able to see my son any given time. It seems like I only have a 1% chance of getting her back. I miss waking up to my family everyday. Playing with my boy before and after work, kissing wife goodbye, etc... This is all my fault, I take 100% responsibility for the outcome. However I'm willing to do anything it takes to keep marriage, even take lie detector test and find a new job to eliminate the problem. I learned my lesson. Any advice?
Sparky9 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 This is a hard one... I am going through a somewhat similar thing, bit I was completely unfaithful. We tried working on it for a few months...she wasn't happy, and knew she never could be with me. You have completely broken her trust... She thinks you were physically and emotionally unfaithful. What brought you to the point of flirting and gaining an emotional relationship with another. At this point , she has made her decision. You need to respect her boundaries. Remember, this is her decision... Not yours. If there is a chance for you ...you HAVE to give it some time...as hard as that is to do... It's very true. Be a man about things...be the person she fell in love with. Take care of your child. Begging, pleading, stalking etc will only push her away. I accepted responsibility as soon as I was caught. I started off extremely upset , lost 30 lbs in 3 months. I look like dj qualls now. I have now accepted her wishes...I'm laying next toy kids, 8 months...and a 3 yr old ...and I know my ex is drowning her pains with another man that have her comfort while she was going through her hard times while we were trying to work things out. It's only been 1 1/2 weeks since she decided to leave me. Keep your chin up... This is the worst pain to go through, and don't wish it on my worst enemy. Take care
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Talk to your wife about getting some marriage counseling if you still love her. Apologize profusely & start looking for another job. 2
Author colts45 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 This is a hard one... I am going through a somewhat similar thing, bit I was completely unfaithful. We tried working on it for a few months...she wasn't happy, and knew she never could be with me. You have completely broken her trust... She thinks you were physically and emotionally unfaithful. What brought you to the point of flirting and gaining an emotional relationship with another. At this point , she has made her decision. You need to respect her boundaries. Remember, this is her decision... Not yours. If there is a chance for you ...you HAVE to give it some time...as hard as that is to do... It's very true. Be a man about things...be the person she fell in love with. Take care of your child. Begging, pleading, stalking etc will only push her away. I accepted responsibility as soon as I was caught. I started off extremely upset , lost 30 lbs in 3 months. I look like dj qualls now. I have now accepted her wishes...I'm laying next toy kids, 8 months...and a 3 yr old ...and I know my ex is drowning her pains with another man that have her comfort while she was going through her hard times while we were trying to work things out. It's only been 1 1/2 weeks since she decided to leave me. Keep your chin up... This is the worst pain to go through, and don't wish it on my worst enemy. Take care Thanks for advice. I've been unable to eat too for days and I have extremely fast metabolism. So I could start looking like dj qualls in a few weeks. I feel as though the first week is the best time to try to beg, I would never stalk. Nowadays a woman could easily get over a man within a few weeks. After that, it seems like it's too late since she's already settled in. Good luck with you. I hope you got your appetite back and you're right it's the worst emotional pain to go through. I wish I could just say to myself to 'man up' but im thinking about my family. If I wasnt married or had kids I wouls say F it. I started the emotional affair because I liked the challenge and it was a thrill to me.
smuggy95 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 i think you can fight for this one. There is a child involved...you were never physically intimate and willing to change. Tell her that, tell her to come home, for the family's sake, and do change work places. Give her access to your emails. Remind yourself every day how lucky you are to have a family. i think when there are kids involved, and what sounds like a huge misunderstanding with the intimacy part, then it is worth it. and yes, counseling. 1
cocahouts Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 You know her the best, if you think you are at a point where you can pour out your feelings to her in a letter, something a little more personal I might try that. Every one is different so this is your call. Do you get along with her family, I would beg her father's forgiveness and tell him everything. New Job fast, get away from this other woman, if your honest and nothing happened there is nothing more dangerous than an angry woman, so her claiming you did sunk in to your wife. She's angry too. You're going to have to make an ass out of yourself to prove a point, everyone is different like I said but it might prove your serious. Breakfast shakes and vitamins, load up and force them on you. I hurt myself and lost 40lbs in on month, I was way overweight though. We all do stupid stuff, hopefully your being honest and can win her back but it's going to be bumpy and you will have to accept that for a while. This is what I would try but like I said everyone is different. 1
Author colts45 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Thanks guys for all of the helpful advice. Today she is coming to our home so I can see my boy for awhile. I would imagine she will be packing more of her stuff while she is here. She's currently staying at her mothers house. My main focus is to play with my son, hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. They will be here for a few hours before attending her nephews party. As she is leaving Im going to ask for forgiveness. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Unfortunately there is not a lot that you can do after the fact. Some people want to work it out immediately and others are one and done. I can’t fault your wife, that his her choice. However, I would suggest that you write her a very long and heart felt letter. I would confess everything right up front and express remorse for your selfish and foolish behavior. I would offer to take a polygraph to confirm your story. Additionally, I would set up marriage counseling and ask her to please consider attending with you. Make the appointment about 10 days in the future to allow her time to consider and plan. Let her know how your truly feel about her and that you will do anything to regain her trust. You ran this marriage in the ditch, it is your job to get it out. In the meantime, do not badger her. The time spent with your child should be time spent with your child and being the best dad that you can be. You have a very long and arduous road ahead of you. You need to immediately break contact with the OW. If you see her at work, then you need to offer to change jobs, if that is what your wife wants from you. There is an opportunity your wife will give you one shot to get this right. Do not take lightly or blow this opportunity.
janedoe67 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 The first and biggest tasks for you are as follows: Be humble. You screwed up. Accept responsibility. This is NOT the time to point out anything you think your wife may not have been perfect in, besides, it doesn't excuse your actions anyway. Be honest and transparent. Anything she asks, answer truthfully. Be kind and helpful but not pushy. Be a good dad. Be proactive - work on yourself, go to counseling even if she wont - to a counselor who does NOT excuse adultery, read books, learn Find a new job ASAP You r wife may see these changes and have a change of heart. She may not. Either way YOU will become an honorable man again. 3
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Reading your post above, I'm not sure I believe you weren't intimate- and you have no reason to lie here....your first thought was to highlight there is no evidence, ie messages and phone calls. No evidence doesn't mean it didn't happen. Why did she lie? 1
Author colts45 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 I was able to spend quality time with my boy which was really fun. I'm also point on about the 1% chance. She's finding old dirt from years ago before we were married. Mainly rumors. Pretty much all of MY family is on our side. They are just making things worst. She also has a job lined up and is starting in 2 weeks full time. I apologized repeatedly and ask for forgiveness. I told her I would switch back to working remotely with current job without any contact with company headquarters or branches. I told her I would do anything to keep the family together. She did not budge, even said the chances of us being together would have to be a miracle from god. So there's the 100% Positive note: - She giving me full privileges to see kid, even stay the night once he''s older. - We still plan to be business partners. Overall she's hurt, she cant sleep or eat. She's overwhelmed with all the lies and I dont blame her.
almond Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Your wife sounds like a very strong woman. I think all you can do at this point is give her time, cross your fingers, and take solace in the fact that either way, your son will be raised by a good mother with a ton of self-respect and resolve (by the sounds of things). 1
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Thanks guys for all of the helpful advice. Today she is coming to our home so I can see my boy for awhile. I would imagine she will be packing more of her stuff while she is here. She's currently staying at her mothers house. My main focus is to play with my son, hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. They will be here for a few hours before attending her nephews party. As she is leaving Im going to ask for forgiveness. No, don't. Your attitude hasn't changed. You are reacting out of being caught and desperation. It's not genuine and she knows it. What you can do is tell her that you really messed up, you hope some day she can see you again as the man she married, a trustworthy family man. Tell her you're gonna go seek counseling and sort yourself out. (you MUST actually do this, I believe if you get your priorities straight and rid of your ego and skirt chasing -sorry to be blunt- and focus on why you married her, what was it that made you fall in love with her, then maybe if she sees real changes and effort, she will give you a chance. I started the emotional affair because I liked the challenge and it was a thrill to me. Be UNselfish from now on. Only have eyes for your wife. Be a good father, put your family first above your own (selfish) needs.
dichotomy Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) Your GF showed you recorded messages or texts between her and wife that said there was no sex, or simply did not include anything about sex? What did they say if not sex, did the GF admit strong feelings of love what other things? What was your wife's words to your GF? Have you ever simply asked your wife "what was it that specifically made you decided not to try reconcile or work things out". If she says it was "sex" then I suppose you could have GF write her an letter making this clear. But if your wife says everything - then I don't see a reconciliation. Some people have very clear and strong boundaries, even without sex, if they are disrespected or ignored - or if she feels you broke your vows, or what was said was as intimate as sex. We here on LS can only know what you say was in the emails or in the conversations that GF and your wife had. But it appears your wife made her final decision after talking to your GF. Also - and I hate to say this - beyond her being strong and having high boundaries for marriage and herself - it is possible the wife may not have been your soul mate. That is she did not love you enough to overcome an EA (if it was just a simple lite EA as you claim here). Our your child was young enough now to avoid harm by a later divorce or affair on your part - so she felt now was the the time. I am speculating here only. Now you screwed up as a husband - and she has her rights to leave you. But I want to switch gears for a second and talk about you as a father - they way you write things here it appears like you have tied the two together. It is not up to her to "allow" you to see your child, or to control access. It is your child too. You have as much right as she does for accesses, I suspect at a minimum a judge could award you joint custody and even 50% of the time live with you. You have a family who wants to see their grandchild as well. Hope you have a good lawyer. But it is good she is not playing games at point with your parenting role. This must be hard on you, and your wife. I am sorry. Edited November 17, 2013 by dichotomy
janedoe67 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 My one other word of advice is: Don't ask for forgiveness. Take responsibility. Change. There is no way she CAN forgive you right now. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, and quite honestly, a cheater doesn't deserve to ask. BE different, be humble, take responsibility. Be a good dad. She needs time to grieve.
cocahouts Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 regardless of the sex thing, I still think no contact at all with the girlfriend would be best. What would happen if he asked her to write a letter to the wife saying nothing happened and she blasted tons of lies. I think just getting a letter even if it was a good one would bring back horrible memories. I think get away from the GF and no contact would be best.
Realist3 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 This obviously devastated my wife and it seemed like we were going to get through this at first until she seen the emails a few days later, where I lied about not being married. I really do not understand why men feel the need to do this. And it is always the men. It is a recipe for failure.
Author colts45 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 Thanks again, I've read all the post. Small twist from the past. My wife was caught too a year ago with flirty text. Actually it was a co-worker who would always send her love songs, photos of himself among other things. I forgave her and she swears the nothing physical happened, she even wanted to take lie detector test to prove me wrong. He was just very persistent, especially knowing that she was taken. Also 2 months ago, I tried to break things off with my wife when I was infatuated with my co-worker. When I sat down with wife and told her how I felt, I wasn't happy and wanted to be alone. My wife started crying and said she cant believe I want to break our family. Also she did not want to have our son grow up with step parents. After seeing her cry on the floor my heart couldn't take it anymore, so I apologized and told her I was just stressed and didnt really mean it. Well she's on her way now and we're going out to have breakfast. I'm going to try my best not to beg or bring up the past. I do have therapy on Tuesday, my psycholgist will be so shocked to hear the latest news. I guess all I can really do is take common sense advice from here: - concentrate on being a GREAT father. Make sure he sees my face everyday. - concentrate on growing our business - learn to cope with separation and possibly start dating again in a few months since I see no chance of my wife staying.
atreides Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 So, is it correct that the OW lied about you two being intimate ? My guess is your W believes the OW who may be lying in order to be with you? Even if the OW retracted, i am not sure it would make a difference but damn, the idea of you two being intimate may be what sent her packing after it looked like she would forgive you. Maybe if you owned it for the texts but be firm that you were never intimate and as others state by action show you can change.
Author colts45 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 So, is it correct that the OW lied about you two being intimate ? My guess is your W believes the OW who may be lying in order to be with you? Even if the OW retracted, i am not sure it would make a difference but damn, the idea of you two being intimate may be what sent her packing after it looked like she would forgive you. Maybe if you owned it for the texts but be firm that you were never intimate and as others state by action show you can change. I'm pretty such W made it up. I cant imagine OW lying and saying we were intimate, especially with recorded phone calls we have at work. We did however hug each other whenever we got a chance to meet for lunch. There was even a text that mentioned 'i cant wait to hug you when i see you' that W seen. I owned up to it. But even if I wanted to kiss, have sex with OW it would be impossible because of different schedules. Lunch was the only time we could see each other, which is rare occasion since both branches have different schedues. And I surely never made an attempt to take this W on a date after work or weekend.
Author colts45 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 So my wife came down today, we went for breakfast and went grocery shopping for myself, no more home cook meals for me I loaded up on tons of frozen foods and ready to go meals at fresh & easy We came back to our house and talked about how we could grow our side business. She seemed very motivated, we talked about office locations, employees, etc..We talked about how we wanted to generate lots of revenue in order to invest in our original dream of buying property for vacation rentals. We spent about 3 hours together and we did not discuss our relationship status, whether we are staying together or not. I dont want to scare her away. If I were to ask, I already know her answer, so why bother. I dont want the discussion to get heated. W is already moving into her parents house and I'm looking for rental near her parents so I can be close to my son.
cocahouts Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 How much time has past? how good were you with the parents? She is still not talking to you about your relationship but maybe you could talk to the parents and they could say something for you. If you're already thinking of Dating...did you already right this off? This is your life....I'm sure you didn't tell us everything so only you can decide.
experiencethedevine Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 The first and biggest tasks for you are as follows: Be humble. You screwed up. Accept responsibility. This is NOT the time to point out anything you think your wife may not have been perfect in, besides, it doesn't excuse your actions anyway. Be honest and transparent. Anything she asks, answer truthfully. Be kind and helpful but not pushy. Be a good dad. Be proactive - work on yourself, go to counseling even if she wont - to a counselor who does NOT excuse adultery, read books, learn Find a new job ASAP You r wife may see these changes and have a change of heart. She may not. Either way YOU will become an honorable man again. Straight out of the book..............do it.............
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