lola69 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 (edited) HI EVERYONE OK, so my boyfriend broke up with me for the second time a coupe of months ago. a couple of weeks before he had invited me to go to Italy for his friends wedding and a bit of a holiday. we were arguing a lot but just before i booked my flights i asked him the details of the flights etc and he told me and i booked the flights. anyway fast-forward a a couple of days...another big argument and then he finished with me, (rather brutally). He also told me he never wanted me to go to Italy in the first place. Anyway i was kinda skint at the time and had used what money i did have to pay for the flights so apart from being absolutely heart-broken i was kinda pissed off that he would have put me in that situation. Anyway after numerous emails declaring my love...my heart-ache etc...and just getting nasty responses...i decided to cut contact with him (i told him it was best for a while until the dust has settled)... As i was going insane...over a few weeks he changed his tune a little and said he couldn't forget me...and that he still loved me etc even if it was clear we couldn't share a relationship...but when i told him i felt it was still better to put some distance for a while he went back to sending nasty emails. anyway he went on the holiday alone (as requested)...after a few weeks of limited contact...i agreed to meet him...he said he loved me but couldn't see a solution to our problems (we argue a lot!)...we slept together...and have spent a few weeks talking things through planning once again to try again... I'm still really unsure if i can trust him not to disappear again as soon as we start arguing. the only problem (i should say relevant problem as there are many more lol)...is that when we split up he booked a holiday with his friends for 3 weeks...the place he is going to is where we had spent months and months talking about going together...planning...discussing...dreaming etc...i feel really hurt that while i was busy being heartbroken he was booking our dream holiday with his friends... however, i do understand that perhaps, he also hated me at that time and just wanted to get away etc...he said at the point he booked the holiday he honestly thought he was "done" with me... i guess i can/have to accept it if i want to be with him...but he actually expects me to be happy and excited for him and i'm finding it difficult. he doesn't understand why i might be upset...Am i being over the top? Edited November 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 You are allowed to feel hurt & disappointed. You thought the two of you would be going on this holiday & now he's going with others. I would be sad too. If you fight more than you don't fight in a relationship, to me, that relationship is fundamentally flawed & there is no sense in continuing. Only you know how much you are willing to put up with.
angelcake Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 He brutally broke up with you? What does that mean? I feel he should have reimbursed you for the flights you didn't get to take! Did you pay for his too? (if you did and he didn't pay you get rid of him asap!) Feeling hurt about his holiday with friends is very understandable and you are not overreacting. But, frankly, this relationship sounds toxic. Maybe better to move on and find someone you are compatible with and with less drama.
r321148 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 I can understand you being hurt about the holiday if it's one that you planned to take together. However, from his point of view; you guys had broken up and he still wanted to go and so booked it. I can understand you being upset but you shouldn't really hold that against him. It will be hard to be happy for him but just don't use it against him. I think that's probably about the best he should expect. He should also understand why it upsets you. What were you guys arguing about? If that's what lead to the breakup then what makes you think things will be better this time around? From the limited information you've given it doesn't sound like much has really changed and I'd say the same problems will resurface pretty quickly.
Author lola69 Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Hi thanks for all your responses...reading this back now seems so petty, in the sense so much more has gone on than the holidays and I guess I was just trying to make sense of what it meant in terms of the way he feels about me. Thankfully, i didn't pay for his just mine! LOL! "Brutally" broke up with me as in harshly I guess. I suppose there's no "nice way" of breaking up with someone but after arguing for a week or so...I went round to his to get my stuff and to talk to him...he kept saying I didn't love him enough...but at the same time he said he never wanted to be with someone like me...have children with someone like me and then proceeded to list all of my faults and basically blame me for ALL the problems in our relationship...so it was pretty crushing...it was like something someone would say in "the heat of an argument" only it wasn't...it was cold and calm...I felt at the time he wasn't sure but I felt like he was doing it to punish me or to get me to prove how much I loved him or something like that. i contacted him a few times to tell him how much i loved him etc...but he continued to tell me "i didn't know what love was and basically there wasn't enough room for him in this relationship as my ego was too big"?? i really didn't know how to respond as i didn't really know what he meant and i didn't want to stoop so low to beg somebody to change their mind of how they see me. i saw him a few days later and he said he was happy and then i messaged him to say that maybe it was better not to have any contact for a while. Then he replied a few days later saying "so much for my broken heart" like i didn't do enough to fight for him or get him back which kinda confirmed what i initially thought. From my perspective, the things that led to the arguing from my side stemmed from insecurity over his ex...(when we first met there were still photos of her up in the house, everywhere, knickers belonging to her in his drawers a year into the relationship, was in contact with her and went for dinner with her and didn't tell me about it at first)...things like this...i said insecurity but i guess it's more an issue of respect...or maybe a bit of both...so the last argument that led to the breakup was about stuff like this...i said that if he wanted to keep stuff of past relationships around (in the house he wanted me to live in) couldn't he just put them in a box somewhere away from where i couldn't see them...(i drew the line at the knickers though!)...to which he responded..."Oh what colour should the box be?"...he also has a lot of female friends which i don't mind but he would tell me that he speaks to them about our relationship (problems) and i didn't really like it as i'm quite a private person (apart form post my life now lol)...i don't think it wouldn't bother me so much but he has told me stuff they've said back to him (about me) and it wasn't very nice...and i don't even know them. One of his female friends teaches Spanish and i asked if she would be free to teach me and he said that he had spoken to her and she said no because of a "conflict of interests" and he left it at that...so that caused another massive row between us...looking back and knowing more about the friend i can see why she said this and i don't think it has anything to do with me personally but at the time he made me feel like it did, if that makes sense. or maybe i created it. Argh i don't know! From his perspective i think he would say i'm irresponsible...lose things...don't have a phone on me all the time and therefore don't answer him back straight away...party and drink too much etc which i don't think i have since i met him...i'm not some crazy party animal by the way its just he is 10 years older than me and we are from different cultures so maybe that plays a part in all of this. i also think he is quite jealous but whereas i get emotional and "over-react" he would maybe play games and try to make me jealous (although he also think i do this). I think we have both been really immature and stupid at times...i know that when something has bothered me in the past i have responded angrily or have ignored him which i can see now is stupid...but when i have said stuff to him in the most "adult" way i could... i always seemed to get back i was "boring" or comments like "what colour should the box be"...like i'm being controlling or something...if I do stuff which he doesn't find acceptable (and i have) or something that has upset him...i am learning to try to see his point of view and respond to it...but sometimes i feel like he's not ready to do the same... i know sounds toxic and it is...but i think we both have a lot of personal issues/growth we could work on...the relationship has illuminated a lot of things about me and made me look at things in a different way. Although it has been really really difficult, times with him has also been the best. He says the same. I guess it's a typical love-hate relationship. I just don't know what to do about it. He's on holiday now so it'll give both of us some time to think i guess...his last message to me was that he couldn't imagine his life without me..."crazy moody girl"....! but then i think back to the two months of absolute despair i felt and i wonder how someone can change their mind so quickly and obviously if they'll do it again...rather than working together on the issues we have...:/
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