I'm stuck

[I'mNotYours]

Yes, this is how I feel. It's about 2 months and 3 weeks since I and xMM went NC (on his initiative), and I feel like I can't move on. On weekdays I'm busy with work, friends, excercise etc., and even though I think about him, I feel like I'm doing ok. But then I go out in the weekend..clubbing, partying..not every weekend, but lately it has been more and I'm going out tonight too..and I get sad.

 

I look at men and I really want to have an interest in them, but I don't. My heart stops, when I see someone who looks like him. I want to meet him. I want to text him. And I'm just sitting there and I go home early.

 

I could of course stop going out, but I do want to and I always hope it'll be fun. It frustrates me that I can't move on I don't want to think about him. I don't want to be sad and cry over him. I want to meet someone else..someone better..but it's like he's the only man I want.

[blue963]

It will take time. Dont push yourself. Stay away from him. Do things to make yourself happy. What have you wanted to do and pushed aside because you were waiting for him?

[I'mNotYours]

It will take time. Dont push yourself. Stay away from him. Do things to make yourself happy. What have you wanted to do and pushed aside because you were waiting for him?

 

Well, I haven't dated or looked at other men, but the problem is I don't want to do that. I'm trying to live my life as before the A, but I'm scared that I'll always compare other men to him and he will forever be the one that got away.

[cat]

I don't know that I have that much to add besides I completely know how you feel. My situation is a little different in that I had a public relationship with my MM while he was separated and started divorce proceedings until one day he abruptly went back to his wife. It's been two months and three weeks since he told me he was doing that. It's been one month and one week since I totally cut him off, although I did see him briefly this week, I tried to ignore him and shut down all attempts at conversation.

 

The thing that doesn't make sense to me-- and you might be in a different place than I am-- is that I don't think he's a good man. I think he's done so many things, not just in this situation, but in his whole life that show how terribly broken, cruel, careless, and selfish he really is. Even with me, we had more conflict in our short relationship than I have had in other longer relationships.

 

So, when people say I don't miss HIM, I miss how I felt when I was with him, that's partly true. But I do miss the good sides of him, and in a lot of ways I loved spending time with him, and I'm sad for all the things we were going to do together that will never happen.

 

Going out, trying to have fun, I would say those are the best things you can do for yourself, because it will get easier. It may take a very long time but it will happen. You WILL be free. You may not ever be able to look at him or the situation with complete indifference or happiness. I know I will never be able to be a "friend" to mine. Too much damage has been done. My heart will be forever guarded with him. But YOUR life can move on. It will probably just take longer than you thought or want it to.

 

One more thing I'll add... I have accepted other dates with other men in the interim and had a good time but know I'm not ready, or just that they are not HIM... but I keep doing it because I know one day there WILL be someone I want to date that will make me want to move on.

 

Hang in there. Keep posting. We'll keep replying with encouragement!

[thecharade]

I don't know for a fact that what I am about to say is true for everyone, but it was true for me.

 

Moving on didn't happen until I nursed and fostered "moving on" thoughts. You have to direct your brain into any and all negative thinking, whether it's true or exaggerated. I needed to see him as not good for me to grow the space for my H. Time and distance alone did not do the trick, although they help.

 

Me: good thought! Ouch!

Me then, in my head: "He obviously doesn't feel what you do. He's made his choice. Besides, he's boring and wouldn't like this anyway. You dodged a bullet, whether you can see it or not."

 

Whenever a positive comes, I remind myself of the negatives and think of how I'm better without him. And sometimes it's just talk, but sometimes it's absolutely accurate! I am just fine without him.

 

Good luck.

[LaceyFace]

Exactly how I feel...I don't know what to do.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I don't know for a fact that what I am about to say is true for everyone, but it was true for me.

 

Moving on didn't happen until I nursed and fostered "moving on" thoughts. You have to direct your brain into any and all negative thinking, whether it's true or exaggerated. I needed to see him as not good for me to grow the space for my H. Time and distance alone did not do the trick, although they help.

 

Me: good thought! Ouch!

Me then, in my head: "He obviously doesn't feel what you do. He's made his choice. Besides, he's boring and wouldn't like this anyway. You dodged a bullet, whether you can see it or not."

 

Whenever a positive comes, I remind myself of the negatives and think of how I'm better without him. And sometimes it's just talk, but sometimes it's absolutely accurate! I am just fine without him.

 

Good luck.

 

This is very good advice right here. It is hard to do, but once you make it a habit it does help redirect your thoughts in a way that helps you to heal and move on - I am like charade- even though time has helped, it was not the complete answer for me. I had to begin seeing him in a different light and this type of thing helps.

[I'mNotYours]

Thanks for the replies

 

I am trying to see him in a different light, but as long as I'm having feelings for him I can't. Even though I sometimes think he used me for sex. I have been really understanding...I actually understand why he hasn't left his wife.

 

Usually I make lists of bad things about ex-boyfriends, but I can't with him. I don't see him as a cheating liar. I don't see him as the perfect man either, but I see him as someone special. But I try to think that it wasn't meant to be--otherwise he would have been mine now.

 

I was out yesterday and actually managed to dance and laugh. Several men approached me and I was friendly even though I wasn't interested. Small steps.

[thecharade]

Well, you have two choices: see him as special and pine for him forever. (People do this, and it is not healthy or helpful. It's not as if god rewards those who punish themselves by longing eternally for the lost person.) Your second choice is to INTENTIONALLY focus on the negatives.

 

It seems you are choosing A, which will endanger all of your future relationships. Very sad for you, especially because you will be doing it to yourself.

 

Do you think I could love someone my whole life and simply hate him now? Of course not. But I only get this one life, and I refuse to spend it focused on what I don't have instead of valuing what I do. Carpe diem. It is not lip service either; I am actively focused on appreciating those who choose to care about me and enrich my life, and who I in turn value. It is a very satisfying outlook, even though I miss my exAP.

 

It seems to me, gently, that you are not being honest with yourself. This is a common response to grief, but it's keeping you stuck. You are blaming yourself or the world instead of blaming him. For example, he should not have shared a love with you that he was in no position to give. He should have stopped it long before he hurt you, but he was selfish. He enjoyed the experience of a new woman, even though he wants to remain with his wife. Not fair of him. So then why do you protect him? You protect him because you have not accepted that he will not return. This is what you are doing, protecting your hope. It is why you aren't angry.

 

I completely understand why my ex stayed in his M. I am M too, so I get it. But I nurse my anger to remind myself that I have been hurt. And people who hurt me suck. And that is my right, to protect myself through anger. Does he know I'm angry? No. He's nursing his own anger over my ending the A. Do I care? I did, but I don't anymore. He's using his anger because he's hurting and he wants to move on, just as I am doing. That's how these things end when they are really and truly done. And it's ok, healthy even.

 

When you stop trying to protect your love for him by accepting he is gone forever, you will be able to allow and encourage the kind of negative thinking that is necessary to heal a broken heart. You just haven't reached acceptance yet. I mean, the most horrid thing about him is that he let you go! Idiot! At the very least, he's undeserving of you because he let you leave his life! People who let us go shall not be allowed to keep their Top Rating with us--rule #1!

 

Is it like this for everyone? Can people be heart broken and not be angry or think negatively? Everyone that I asked said, "No. Anger is a part of grief. On the other side is forgiveness and indifference."

Edited November 17, 2013 by thecharade

[I'mNotYours]

Well, you have two choices: see him as special and pine for him forever. (People do this, and it is not healthy or helpful. It's not as if god rewards those who punish themselves by longing eternally for the lost person.) Your second choice is to INTENTIONALLY focus on the negatives.

 

It seems you are choosing A, which will endanger all of your future relationships. Very sad for you, especially because you will be doing it to yourself.

 

Do you think I could love someone my whole life and simply hate him now? Of course not. But I only get this one life, and I refuse to spend it focused on what I don't have instead of valuing what I do. Carpe diem. It is not lip service either; I am actively focused on appreciating those who choose to care about me and enrich my life, and who I in turn value. It is a very satisfying outlook, even though I miss my exAP.

 

It seems to me, gently, that you are not being honest with yourself. This is a common response to grief, but it's keeping you stuck. You are blaming yourself or the world instead of blaming him. For example, he should not have shared a love with you that he was in no position to give. He should have stopped it long before he hurt you, but he was selfish. He enjoyed the experience of a new woman, even though he wants to remain with his wife. Not fair of him. So then why do you protect him? You protect him because you have not accepted that he will not return. This is what you are doing, protecting your hope. It is why you aren't angry.

 

I completely understand why my ex stayed in his M. I am M too, so I get it. But I nurse my anger to remind myself that I have been hurt. And people who hurt me suck. And that is my right, to protect myself through anger. Does he know I'm angry? No. He's nursing his own anger over my ending the A. Do I care? I did, but I don't anymore. He's using his anger because he's hurting and he wants to move on, just as I am doing. That's how these things end when they are really and truly done. And it's ok, healthy even.

 

When you stop trying to protect your love for him by accepting he is gone forever, you will be able to allow and encourage the kind of negative thinking that is necessary to heal a broken heart. You just haven't reached acceptance yet. I mean, the most horrid thing about him is that he let you go! Idiot! At the very least, he's undeserving of you because he let you leave his life! People who let us go shall not be allowed to keep their Top Rating with us--rule #1!

 

Is it like this for everyone? Can people be heart broken and not be angry or think negatively? Everyone that I asked said, "No. Anger is a part of grief. On the other side is forgiveness and indifference."

 

Thank you for your reply

 

I'm thinking..are there only those two options? Isn't is possible to find something in the middle? Not seeing him as someone special, but not hating and see him as a cheating liar either? Just letting him go and accept that we weren't right for eachother?

 

I will probably sound like I'm defending him, but he wasn't happy during the affair. He seemed like he had guilty conscience and he was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He tried to end it several times. So I don't think he's the typical "cake eater". But of course I can't be sure. He could have fooled me the whole time.

 

But yes, I think he's a fool for letting me go. He could have had a great live with me, and that's his loss.

[Yayo]

ImNotYours my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine the pain of NC. I try to do it so many times. Will literally have my phone in my hand ready to block his number...but I just cannot do it. So kudos to you for ever surviving NC for that long. I think that speaks volumes to how strong you are...definitely stronger than me! If you've gone this long NC...you can continue going. Stay strong, xo

[BrokenPrincess]

I feel stuck too. It's been 6months NC but a year since actual DDay and I feel like a loser that I can't move on like he has.

 

I don't feel angry. I still feel hurt that he ended it and I miss him. It's so stupid. His birthday is next week and I have been thisclose to breaking NC. I went back & re-read my thread from when he ended it the second time. Spent a lovely hour sobbing in bed while I re-lived that but at least it stopped me from emailing him.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, just know you're not the only one feeling like that.

[Yayo]

I feel stuck too. It's been 6months NC but a year since actual DDay and I feel like a loser that I can't move on like he has.

 

I don't feel angry. I still feel hurt that he ended it and I miss him. It's so stupid. His birthday is next week and I have been thisclose to breaking NC. I went back & re-read my thread from when he ended it the second time. Spent a lovely hour sobbing in bed while I re-lived that but at least it stopped me from emailing him.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, just know you're not the only one feeling like that.

 

sorry you're still hurting. it takes a while. if I ever was able to go NC I would definitely be just like you ; very hurt very sad, not at all angry. I WISH I could be angry and bitter, that would make it so much easier to move on, wouldn't it? But when you're just down right sad, just miss him unbearably...how do you move on from that? xo

[I'mNotYours]

ImNotYours my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine the pain of NC. I try to do it so many times. Will literally have my phone in my hand ready to block his number...but I just cannot do it. So kudos to you for ever surviving NC for that long. I think that speaks volumes to how strong you are...definitely stronger than me! If you've gone this long NC...you can continue going. Stay strong, xo

 

Oh, thank you, but I don't know how strong I am Every day I have to fight the urge to contact him. What keeps me from it that I know it won't be with a good result. I think that he will reject me or ignore me.

 

He hasn't broken the NC and that must mean that he doesn't want to get back with me. I don't think I will hear from him again so I haven't made a plan on how to react if he does.

[I'mNotYours]

sorry you're still hurting. it takes a while. if I ever was able to go NC I would definitely be just like you ; very hurt very sad, not at all angry. I WISH I could be angry and bitter, that would make it so much easier to move on, wouldn't it? But when you're just down right sad, just miss him unbearably...how do you move on from that? xo

 

I can't be mad either. And I'm actually not sure if that would help. I think that being angry just creates a lot of negative energy and my goal is to be at peace with the fact that it's over.

[I'mNotYours]

A little update. It's been 3 months NC and I get more and more sure of that I'll never hear from him again. I'm doing guided meditations about letting go. I don't know if it helps, but I guess it can't harm either.

 

I'm still having trouble going out and have fun. I have been out partying a few times since, but it's no fun. I just sit and barely say anything. I was out with a friend in a group where I didn't knew the other people, and they were all married or in relationships. Most of them had also children.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only single person in the world. And I'm scared I'll be single forever. Afterall..it seems like most people find their husband/wife in their twenties. How often do you hear of women who had their first real serious relationship in the thirties?

 

I'm scared that I'll always compare other men to xMM and I will be disappointed, because they're not him. I feel like I'm seeing him everywhere, see his car etc., but it's not him.

 

I KNOW a relationship with him probably wouldn't be great. That he has some issues it would be hard to live with. I KNOW this with my mind. But I still get sad. And some days ago it hit me...he left me. He didn't choose me. He just left