hayleym Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 My married man does this. I know from his side and his wife's. He says he doesn't do it to ease guilty feelings, he says he doesn't feel guilty he just does it so she feels confident and comfortable in the marriage and he does care about her. I suspect it's also about the guilt or maybe doing that eases his. He says its easier to be affectionate with her after he's been with me. As a woman, with my husband I feel the opposite. Is it common for men to do this? It's a coping mechanism or something?
eleanorrigby Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I think it's common and done to assuage guilt and like your MM said, give the BS the impression that everything in life and marriage is copacetic.
ChooseTruth Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Might want to post this in the OM/OW forum. You might get roasted alive here. My exwife's MM said his betrayed wife (BW) got more sex when he was in the affair. My ex replied that I didn't get anymore than usual. This was in a facebook conversation I found between them. When the affair started the BW and myself got less because our spouses were gone to various conferences for 3 weekends out of 4 in that month. As for gifts he gave his BW, I don't know. I'm on the wrong side of the fence. I'd have to call her and ask...and I try not to have any contact with them.
Author hayleym Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 I would say this applies just as much to the betrayed spouse as the OW or OM. I'm not worried about being roasted, wasn't trying to upset anyone. I myself have to concentrate to show my husband the same amount of affection as I did before this started. Where he says its easier for him too be affectionate and he gives her gifts now when he never did before. I'm not complaining or saying its bad, they are married. I'm just wondering if its common and I'm wondering if the differences are between men and women or if its just specifically him and I.
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I doubt there is a common thread that all men that cheat always buy gifts for their betrayed wives. There are many cheating women that have stated that they in fact continued to have normal, if not higher sexual relations with their husbands. The obvious answer is that being cheaters they are selfish people by nature and do what they do for their own gratification. The gifts and sex, leads the betrayed spouse into a false sense of security and allows the cheater to continue to eat their cake and have it too. There is also a group of individuals that cheat on their spouses and in fact withdrawal from their spouse, leaving them to question what they have done wrong. However, the fact of buying a gift or not the person is still a liar and a cheat and therefore no real advantage either way. 1
Mcle Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Yes, they do this to keep the wife stuck. Some go so far as to have babies and buy property to really nail the wife down. It's just hard core cake eating. If you are the OW don't buy the excuse that he just does it to "protect your relationship" lol
carhill Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Is it common for men to do this? It's a coping mechanism or something? Presuming you mean he provides extra affection and gifts to his spouse, if this behavior coincided with his affair, and was out of character with his prior behavior within his marriage or courting his spouse, then I would surmise it could be relevant to his feelings surrounding his marriage while in the affair. Having had the same person as a partner as both OM and MM, separated by many years, I found I was far more generous to my affair partner as an OM than MM and, as a MM, remained consistently generous and affectionate to my now exW, at least until we split up. I didn't really consider that comparison until reading your thread. To be honest though, some of the extra affection or gifts for exW in the period prior to my affair were part and parcel of 'chasing her' as she had distanced herself from me, so perhaps that perception is a bit skewed. In any event, as each man is different, the best source of valid information is the man in question. As you will never know, for sure, what is in his mind, you have to rely on trust and perception of his actions to validate his words. Finally, in the totality of relationships, I'd suggest moving away from analyzing such nuances and focusing on the overall health of your own relationship. If it speaks to you and works for you, then that's good information. How a person interacts with another person or any of the billions of other people on the planet is more outside of your control than how they interact with you, and that's outside of your control too. Focus on you. Good luck.
beach Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Mine bought expensive jewelry and vacations. Every time I got jewelry my antennae was raised - looking back, it makes sense.
waytogo Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 My married man does this. I know from his side and his wife's. He says he doesn't do it to ease guilty feelings, he says he doesn't feel guilty he just does it so she feels confident and comfortable in the marriage and he does care about her. I suspect it's also about the guilt or maybe doing that eases his. He says its easier to be affectionate with her after he's been with me. As a woman, with my husband I feel the opposite. Is it common for men to do this? It's a coping mechanism or something? When xMM could feel I was pulling away he would do this for me. It's not a 'good guy' action to BW or OW, it's a manipulation. It's money spent that wont leave him lacking for anything he has in mind to have, for the purpose of having people be to him what he wants them to be. No special sentiment at all.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 My married man does this. I know from his side and his wife's. He says he doesn't do it to ease guilty feelings, he says he doesn't feel guilty he just does it so she feels confident and comfortable in the marriage and he does care about her. I suspect it's also about the guilt or maybe doing that eases his. He says its easier to be affectionate with her after he's been with me. As a woman, with my husband I feel the opposite. Is it common for men to do this? It's a coping mechanism or something? I see it as this, he can separate you and the A from his wife and marriage. When he's with you, he's with you. When he's with his wife, he's with his wife. Focus on one woman at time when he's with whomever. It's a double life he's leading. Believe him when he says he doesn't feel guilty. You may think he does, but he's told you he doesn't.
Author hayleym Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) Yes I meant extra affection or material gifts to his wife In our situation he never gave gifts or showed much extra affection before or during the first year of the affair. It's been more often in this second year. Every few months and always within a couple days of us being together. Never during our down times which is why I thought it was maybe a little guilt induced. I don't read him as well as I can read other people. I over think too much. I know he loves her and what we have is very different. I'm not jealous so much as curious. I find myself detaching from my husband at the same times he's showing his wife affection he usually doesn't show. Just wondered how common this was. He's also mentioned that he loves our sexual chemistry and after we've been together he gets wishing he had that with her too. Maybe it's an attempt at that. Edited November 17, 2013 by hayleym
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