Double Whammy, total mess

[cocahouts]

I have been married for 17 years and we have totally screwed up and are trying to fix things. I have typed my story in a word doc, 15-20 pages like 4 time just to get it out. This is still long but I going to do a shorter version for now, still 6 pages.

 

7 years ago my wife wanted a second child, I did not but wasn't that open about my feelings, eventually we became heated and I told her enough was enough, next day we found out she was pregnant. To this day I regret my decision and love my second kid to death. I am glad she pushed. My wife is the more dominate one, handles the household, bills, shopping, kids, soccer MOM, etc. She is the foundation of our marriage because I have always had off the wall jobs, weird hours, time away from home, etc. She has always been the one making the big decisions and has always done the right thing.

 

3-4 years ago she started her own company with a friend in another state, girlfriend and not really part of the problem. Their company took off about 2 years ago, she is traveling all the time, busy all the time, works from home all the time and started to ignore/to busy for me on my schedule. From my point of view I am now like #3 in her life, sad thing is I think her work and kids fight for the #1 slot when I come up in the rear. Rarely answers my calls, texts and feels like I get blown off all the time.

 

2 years ago we meet another couple, two kids like us, their older 18 yr old daughter babysitting for us (not any part of problem) and the other one same age as my oldest. Trying to keep detail to a minimum. We all hit it off great, vacationed together, hunting together, and the guys shared problems, the girls shared problems, their problems turned into ours and vice versa. They felt like family. If they were fighting it seemed to trickle over to us somehow and we would help and they would do the same.

 

This other couple had serious issues, the husband had cheated and been caught like 10 yrs ago. So his wife, always a mess thinking he's running around and spying on his phone and emails, but he was. He would preach that it was okay for him to have a girlfriend that wasn’t sexual but a woman to talk to and share problems and get the woman’s point of view. I kinda agreed to this but in my opinion men and women can’t really be close friends. Sex always gets in the way. He would show me naked pics of this other woman who was just a friend, and when I asked him a few times had he “hit that ****” he would give me weird looks but tell me no. I knew he was and warned him about it, that was why his wife was going crazy and becoming unstable.

 

So these two years that we have known this couple my wife and I are fighting weekly now, over stupid ****. We would make up, have awesome sex all the time and even try experimenting. Sometimes her idea’s sometimes mine. Our sex life was pretty good for me and I thought she was having a good time also. The other couple was falling apart. My Friend would text us both asking for advice on what to do with his wife. Then he started just texting my wife…..see where we are going. She told me he was texting so I confronted him and he told me he need advice from a woman’s point of view. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to do and needed our help. I fell for it.

 

About a month later, my wife had a chat program on her phone that was pin protected. I tried to crack it and couldn’t. I copied all the files from her phone to my computer and started to try and go through the program files of this chat program. Couldn’t read texts but saw pics of my wife, and pics of my friend’s new rims that he just bought for his truck. I dismissed this and thought I did something wrong and thought I didn’t find anything. Nothing really looked dirty. I asked her about it, she started locking her phone and pushed me out.

 

From this point on I started spying every now and then on the wife, old cell phones being used as recorders around the house. Usually to hear what she was telling her friends after our fights. Just every now and then but building up and becoming more frequent.

 

6-8 months down the road. The wives would go out, hang out, they were friends. My wife had a big business trip to a casino/hotel, really fancy place that we both went to before and they had a pretty risky club on the main floor, women on stage in bikinis dancing, bumping and grinding, that kind of thing. Before my wife left we were fighting because that was our spot because of the club, we had fun there. She when with her…not me and I was mad.

 

Their first night there they went to the club after calling me, said they would only be an hour or two before they went to bed. My wife was working so she couldn’t be out all night, 11ish-12ish at the latest. At this time my wife and I made up over text and were sexting a little back and forth. Dirty pictures both ways and she told me we could finish before bed. I was happy, waiting up,, 11:30 I get two texts saying “tired” “going to bed”…..nothing else.

 

Long story short.. I was using her computer to spy on her. Her webcam would take a pic every minute and save it. I am a computer guy so I could access it from home without her knowing. I checked the phone records, she was texting 20-40 minutes after she went “to bed”. WTF…then her computer showed it was on around 3am..WTF. We didn’t chat much the next day, two days later they fly home and something really weird happens at the airport when I was supposed to pick them up. As they landed the other wife called her husband to pick her up, I was already at the airport. Only 20-30 minute drive but what the hell. The wives had fallen out…… At home I was able to get the photos off her computer and could see everything she was doing…..Nothing. She would sit on her bed and type, not even a good angle to be a pervert and watch them change so I really didn’t get to see anything. But the biggest thing that I didn’t see at 3am, she wasn’t in her bed…. The laptop was sitting at the foot of her bed and windows updates had kicked it on to patch the computer and shut it back down about 45 minutes later, but she wasn’t on it.

 

I hit her up first about the text messages and how she cut me off. Her answer was they were tired and went to bed.

 

I showed her the phone record and asked her why the hell was she texting my friend for like 30 more minutes. Her answer was the other wifes phone died so she used it to say good night, my wife lives and breaths on her phone so I called bull****.

 

I then asked why she was up at 3am, started to tip my hat. She said she wasn’t and she was sleeping. I told her I was waiting for her and the chat program showed her online. She countered with she remembered waking up to catch up on some paper work and was typing.

 

I showed my cards and showed her all the pics, her sitting behind her laptop working like she told me except at 3am for about an hour like she just continued to lie about. More excuse came out about she went to the lobby, she was sleeping on the other side of the bed, got pissed and stormed off. Never got mad about me spying.

 

Next morning she blew up at me for spying, how dare I violate her privacy, I get that. I need help and she was going to leave me. I said fine, looked up a marriage counselor and set us up an appointment. Now my wife is cool and strong so the therapist and her agreed that I was suffering from depression and needed help and was making things up. Got some meds, felt a lot better, I was depressed and stopped spying. Started to feel a ton better and things didn’t bother me like they did before. I was healing and the wife and I were happier.

 

Months go by and I am feeling better, my wife gets sick and is bedridden. I get laid off from my job due to contracts. My wife is home so I figure I would take time off to help her, look for new job and take care of her. Not a worry in the world. A week goes by my wife is better, up and about. Still on heavy meds but can get around the house.

 

My work buddies invite me to lunch and she begs me to go, she said I needed me time. She isn’t supposed to do stairs on her own so I beg her to stay on our couch, watch all the DVR shows and catch up on her soaps and crap like that. Yes..Yes…go have fun. I throw an old cell phone under the couch just to catch her breaking doctor’s orders so I can give her crap when I get home.

I get home, get the kids off the bus, we argue because I can see she went upstairs. We fight, I grab the phone and go downstairs.

 

About 10 minutes after I left I hear my friend come in the door. I’m thinking he’s looking for me. I can hear them embrace lovingly, he is playing with her breasts, and they are laughing she is telling him she sends pics all the time but the real thing is better. The move to my couch and start talking about me, his wife, my job search. WTF. He gets spooked by something outside and gets up real quick and checks, then comes back to the couch, real dirty talk and then 45 seconds of sex on my couch….

 

He was in and out of my house in less than 7 minutes. She invited him in, asked for it. I was in shock, I could hear her upstairs talking with my kids. Yelling at me what I wanted for dinner, I went upstairs and stood infront of her and tried to grab her phone, she got pissed, we yelled infront of the kids and I retreated downstairs. I didn’t know what to do.

 

Next day went to a lawyer, they heard the tape. Agreed what I feared. Told me I could get in trouble for the tape and it wasn’t proof. Even in my own home you can’t record audio without consent because it could pick up surrounding noises, some BS like that. They pushed for a P.I. but I didn’t have the money, told them she was drugged up from Doctors and couldn’t leave house anyway. They told me Nanny Cams. They are legal because they have no audio and are only recording what’s infront of them, my property. I bought one for the basement couch, one for my living room couch, and one for my bed.

 

They didn’t know I knew and I wanted proof so I would get almost everything in the divorce, wouldn’t have to pay spousal support or give up retirement, and could get half of her company. I could then go after my Dick of a friend at his job, they heavily frown about that behavior and take away his pension of 20 years and let his wife know and show her my proof.

 

3 weeks went by and I was doing everything I could to set them up. I was away all day at job fairs, appointments, and lunches with friends. I got nothing but watching my wife send dirty pics and texting someone all day…wonder who. I had them set up almost every day. One day he came over and just talked to her for like an hour, she didn’t sit near him and I was still doing the audio. They were both worried about me and the other wife and he was scared about me having pictures of them on my couch. They both laughed it off, but nothing.

 

Then my lowest moment, the neighbors were out of town and we have their keys. I said I was going to a job fair and would be gone all day. I asked him to run by my house and pick something up. He showed up late and my wife had to get my kids but not after I videotaped him in an official car feeling up her tits. I thought I got them. I was so pissed I stopped recording and started to storm out the front door to kick his ass, he was gone by that time. I don’t even know if I could have, never been a fighter so who knows what would have happened.

 

I confronted her that night and it didn’t go well at first, she made up **** like they knew I was recording and they wanted to trick me, she started making all the excuses in the world. It was like 11pm, kids in bed and she was tearing up trying to come up with something to say. Anger and excuses, then she started shaking. She broke down and started freaking out, telling me she was sorry, it was stupid, she was stupid. Told her about the camera, the pictures, lied about the pictures on the couch, told her I had them both. She was freaking out and crying moaning she was so sorry and it was only a few months and she was trying to get out of it. I cried bull**** and knew she was chatting for about a year. She said yes but it was only really personal talk about his wife and my depression problems. She told me about 3 months ago he sent her a penis shot and she told him that wasn’t cool and they stopped chatting all together. Then the trip with both wives and what ever happened started them back up. He sent another penis shot, this time he got topless pics back and that’s how it started. She was crying saying how I pushed her to him and I told her bull****. She said no that it was her fault but we were just fighting all the time and he was nice to her.

 

She told me every detail down to the size of his penis, what they did, where, how many times, etc. She told me everything. It’s now like 2am. I am furious.. I am pissed. I worked up some demands and she offered to leave, she offered the house and begged me not to tell the kids, teenager and Pre-k. I told her I wanted her to tell her family, friends, the kids, the other wife, report him to his work, full access to everything.

 

She agreed to a lot of it but pleaded not the kids or family. We live in a small town and it would spread like fire. I agreed. Then she asked about the other wife, and his job. What he does is somewhat public, no politician but that would get around and the other wife would stir up a lot of **** and the kids would get involved. This part worries me but since we have been talking it looks like my friend was giving me advice that my wife was telling him that really bothered her. Talking about a woman at my work would make my wife jealous, took me camping but detoured to strip clubs that my friend told my wife about so she attacked me before I told her about it. Lots of little things that would set us both off.

 

The more and more we talk we feel used, and I think she feels really hurt. I confronted him over speaker, then over text. Screaming and cussing was going anywhere but he still denied the whole thing calling out my wife as a liar and a pill popper, this was from something else but crushed my wife. Stepping back and now I think she really feels betrayed by both of us, I had divorce papers and the Dick turned on her as well.

 

Now my part of the Mess up. A few weeks after she went with the other wife to the casino I ended up going to a business trip in Vegas. All my buddies were talking and making fun of the brothels out there in the middle of the desert. Prostitution is legal in Nevada but outside of major city lines. That’s why they are out in the middle of no where. I started to check out the websites for the legal houses, made sure that they were safe, I was worried about unsafe sex, if I could pay in cash, etc. I knew what I was doing was wrong. After I was done with work I drove out to this brothel, about an hour away from Vegas. I sat in the parking lot and left, I thought it looked scary, saw an old dude leaving and it just didn’t look right. I drove an hour back to my hotel and called the wife. We got into it about something I can’t remember. I went to dinner and was flirting with the bartender as I ate and went back to my room. That night I emailed one of the ladies at the brothel and drove out the next day to meet her.

 

I didn’t really have a good time, I showed up early so I had to wait in their bar for the prostitute to ready herself up as the Madam of the house told me. I went to the bar and there were several other prostitutes in there and they all avoided me. Later the Madam came back and told me it was because I had an appointment so they were staying away. I was attracted to a blonde and hoped the lady online looked just as good. I waited for about an hour, uncomfortably in the bar by myself. 30 minutes late a tour group of senior citizens came in. All old people checking the place out, they did tours because there are only a few legal brothels left in Nevada. I got dirty looks from all the grandmas in the place, I was feeling worse. Then the prostitute came out to find me and she looked nothing like the website picture. She was nice, led me back to her room, made small talk, asked what I was looking for, mentioned prices and we agreed on a deal. After that she called in the Madam again, they did a Dick Check on me looking for STD’s, both wearing rubber gloves and pulling and tugging on my balls and penis. This was so embarrassing and demeaning. They were both satisfied and the Madam left with the money. The prostitute walked me to her shower, helped me undress and asked me to wash with a certain type of soap, clean my self up real good and gave me a towel. She had gone and dressed in some sexy outfit while I was in the shower. That part was fun to be towel dried and then led to the bed. I had a hard time becoming aroused and she knew it so she was dancing and rubbing my legs. She applied the condom to me and rubbed me down again with another type of cream and started to climb on me.

 

She was beautiful and did what she told me she would do. She was moaning like a bad porno the entire time, I was also catching her looking at her watch the entire time. I haven’t had sex with a condom since high school and it just didn’t feel right. Twice she had to stop and re-arouse me. I just wasn’t into it and laid there like a deer frozen in headlights. She gave me the 5 minute warning and we finished up. She grabbed some gloves from her nightstand and some wipes and cleaned me up like I was a biohazard. She offered her shower again and I used it, feeling like **** and got dressed and she walked me out. Gave me a fake hug, told me she had a great time and walked off. The Madam was there at the door and asked if I had a good time, I said yes and left. I sped the whole way back to my hotel and felt like **** the whole night, skipped dinner and called my wife and told her I loved her..

 

Two days after I force the confession out of my wife I told her what I had done. She was pissed, mad, furious. She was more pissed about how I treated her. She didn’t really seem to upset about the prostitute but about how I was treating her about her affair. I tried to explain that I had a one night stand when she had an 8 month affair, also she was having unprotected sex and this disgusted me and it would be hard to be with her for a little bit. I told her how sorry I was, the reason that I did it because of what happened at her last trip, even though she confessed and gave me the real story about her and the other wife passing out in the other bed together. Nothing sexual but she knew I would be mad that she was clubbing and wished she went off with the men that were hitting on her.

 

I am still a wreck, she seems fine but every now and then snaps at me and doesn’t want to know anything that I did. I wish she would let it out like I did at her, she called me a coward for not telling her sooner. I demanded a heart-felt apology sometime after we calmed down because I told her when she had no proof and I gave up the info without being forced to confess.

 

 

We both decided that we are trying to work it out. Neither of us really trust each other yet and have opened up everything like phones, email, etc. It’s been about a month now and we are starting to crack jokes about some of our situations, I think she thinks mine was funny and has teased me with rubber gloves. I’ve told her that it hurts and she backs down. I tried to fool around with her on the couch and mentioned something about showing her how it’s really done, but then stumbled during sex and ruined the rest of the day.

 

Today the doctor’s called and wouldn’t give me my STD results over the phone and freaked me out, I was told I would have to come in to discuss the results. We were having such a perfect day and were laughing and smiling till the phone call, she knew I was looking at her with disgust again and it killed our first attempt for a date night.

 

 

I am sorry this was so long, I’m not proof reading this so and my mind is in a whirl. I am looking for opinions from anyone, cheaters, victims. All the input has helped. I lost my best friend, not really a friend but started asking all my old co-works what to do. Many of the younger ones told me to go for blood and divorce her, I had her confession on tape and that was legal enough for the court because I was there and she knew I was recording. Two of the older guys pulled me aside later, both married 20ish years with kids and told me to suck it up, look at our life together, our kids, and realize one mistake after 17 years might be worth saving. It all depended on her confession. She lied at first and later told me that I was acting so not myself and scared her. But she did break down and tell me, and told me everything.

We both seem like it’s getting better but our marriage counselor is now giving some mixed feelings now that the truth to both affairs our out. The counselor is a woman and the brothel thing, I know is disgusting I think changed her opinion of me. I thought the brothel would be safer, less chance of some crazy woman after a one night stand, or some type of attachment. Still I don’t know why or what I was thinking. I was just pissed at the time.

 

Rambling again, please let me know what you guys/gals think.

[tiredofitall2]

Stay and chance counselor. Look for one that is pro-marriage. She made a mistake and it was a big one. You did the wrong thing by looking for a revenge affair. But love will help overcome this situation.

 

Time heels all and it will heel your marriage as well. Take your time and when you are both ready t open up to intimacy again without reservations then you know you are doing fine!

[Artie Lang]

dude, you seriously need to expose this affair if you want any chance at salvaging this marriage.

 

my bet is that you're still being gaslighted.

[Spark1111]

So you weren't depressed and in need of meds?

 

You were being lied to, gaslighted, betrayed and your gut was screaming for validation; snapshots, cameras, IT patches, nanny cams....

 

And how right you were to do so!

 

So you ran out and had a terrible ONS? Very, very normal for those reeling from the depth and breadth of a long-term betrayal to have that knee jerk reaction.

 

If your therapist doesn't KNOW that, she is not all that experienced in treating infidelity.

 

Tell me, what EXACTLY, is your wife doing to restore your trust?

 

And what exactly are you doing to inform the other BS, the one who doesn't not have the wherewithal to implement nanny cams, IT patches, key loggers and screen shots.

 

That man is a dog and your wife is NOT his only side piece.....

 

SHE DESERVES to know.

[aliveagain]

The depth of their betray is amazing, 7 min. quickie while you and the kids are in the home, what kind of wife does that, in your own home, disgusting. You have recordings of her initiating it, asking him for it, I think you have bigger problems. Expose him, tell his wife otherwise you become their accomplice in her betrayal, she needs to decide her future for herself, he's risking her health. Don't even consider reconciliation without independent counseling for your wife and a post nuptial agreement giving up her rights to most of your assets if you divorce because of another infidelity. No sex until you confirm she is not pregnant and you both get tested for all STD's. Please tell his wife.

[Bryanp]

I think the previous poster Alive Again absolutely nailed it. Your wife initiated a 7 minute quickie sex in your home with her lover while you and your children were in the home is beyond forgivable. She absolutely symbolically defecated on your marriage and you. You would have to be out of your mind to stay with someone who would defile you and your family in such a horrible way. Get tested for STD's and file for divorce.

[cocahouts]

sorry am new here so I don't know all the acronyms.

also I don't know what gaslighted means.

 

Depressed, yes I think I was for a few years. I would snap and lash out at my kids, I would tear up over stupid things, I had noticed something going on with myself for about 5 years. The meds really feel like they helped me a lot and I think they saved me from doing something stupid the day I found out. I was standing in front of her around my kids and thinking of doing the worst, I almost did but then walked away. I wouldn't have done that before.

 

The therapist I agree, the ONS (I get that one) with a prostitute in a brothel, me trying to justify myself about being safe gave her a look of disgust. I get it and it was a disgusting thing but from what I read and the way they acted and treated me it was the safest sex I have ever had, hell one of the rules was my fingers couldn't go near any opening. Extremely safe condition, that killed a lot of the thrill and ruined it for me. The therapist is a woman, and from the start it felt like she was always on my wife's side. Now even more than ever but she does both tell us things that we can both do to heal. I just feel she's more on her side and the wife's comfortable. I am looking for a new one though.

 

Zero contact with the other guy, she agreed and the last confrontation with the guy over speaker she kept quite, over my texts she identified herself to him and told him that it was wrong and we weren't going after him. But that's been it, that's another long story but it meet my feelings and demands.

 

She has opened everything to me, phone, facebook, emails, everything I wanted to look at. She showed me how they were using words with friends, snapchat and googletalk to sext. I knew about the googletalk, that was what I was monitoring, snapchat for pics but that program deletes everything with in seconds, and words with friends. She showed me how he taught her to clean her phone up.

She told me everything....from his smells to his penis size, to the taste of the chew in his mouth sometimes. I never have seen her break down so badly and spew out everything like that. I asked her about past things from like 10 years ago that I was suspicious about, her story never really changed and then she added some other times that I knew nothing about. She told me how my friend 10 years ago, the godfather of my son had tried to push himself on her. He was divorcing his wife, going though some hard **** and he started to force himself on her. She kicked him out but never told me till now. I'm pissed about that, but she told me.

 

The other wife is crazy, she attacked her kids about something she thought the husband was doing and the kids fear her, she has been putting up with his ass for years and I think she knows everything and caught them too. She sent my wife a nasty email before this all got out and was using a lot of comment that my wife and the other guy would text back and forth. We all live in the same community and have both agreed to keep the kids away from this if we can. I told the other guy zero contact with any family members and if he can't control his wife I was going to bust everything wide open.

 

This part does kill me, this bastard was using us against each other and now that we are talking we keep putting more and more together. We still have a lot of trust issues between us but are talking better than we ever have. She does deserve to know, but I think she already does and won't believe the truth. I don't think she's that mentally stable so this worries me about getting her involved.

I get this is a red flag but there is a lot that I am leaving out because I still want to keep my identity private just incase this is really that small of a world. His work, and my work are similar so I know all the right people to send this to and he would lose pension, retirement, etc. This would destroy his family, not a very good one but would also affect his kids too. That's the only reason I am holding on to my blackmail, if his wife blows up and it all comes out...then I drop my hammer.

[cocahouts]

Hold on....

Kids were at school, I was at lunch with all my friends.

She did call him over though.

 

no one was around when it happen

[aliveagain]

This is your life friend and I am sorry that you were so betrayed, it's so much harder when the O/M is your friend(other man) and the one betraying you. What you did was wrong but your wife was acting more like a prostitute than the prostitute you went to. The difference is your wife put you at risk, she was having unprotected sex with this POS(piece of sh*t), they always lie about using protection, always.

 

It's up to you if you tell his wife or not, there has to be a consequence for destroying your marriage, just getting mad at her and threatening divorce won't be enough to stop her from doing it again. The humiliation of being tested for STD's will help to deter future infidelities but not enough of a deterrent to bet your marriage on it.

 

Make sure the therapist you use has experience with infidelity, if you don't like what she's telling you fire her ass and get someone your both comfortable with. Nothing you did pushed your wife into O/M's arms, she chose to do this for one reason only, she wanted to. She needs to work on herself first, find out whats broken in her, why she chose infidelity rather than talking to you about the issues with the marriage. Was she abused as a child? Marriage counseling won't fix whats broken in her, start with the independent counseling and than do marriage counseling.

[aliveagain]

If O/M's wife is so crazy, why did they still have the affair? They knew this going into their affair but that never stopped them. Why should it be a problem now? It didn't stop your wife from banging her husband for the last 8 months. My ex's O/M had a gun behind every door according to her, their always crazy.

Edited November 16, 2013 by aliveagain

[Sparta]

Hey buddy your story is unbelievable, I feel bad for you and your kids, I would've killed mo****fu**. Please keep posting would like to know how things are working out.

[cocahouts]

Unbelievable is right. She's been traveling a lot for work, sometimes I go, sometimes our kids, or some of her friends or neighbors. I just figured she was having a one night stand here and there. I don't know if that would have been easier, not having to worry about seeing the OM would be great but on the other hand being with complete strangers could have been more dangerous. Not saying I'm glad it was with my friend but from talking she told me that she felt comfortable and then one thing led to another as he requested it. He was having a breakdown because of his Wife and my wife went over to comfort him...one thing then Wham. ****ing *******..

 

She never lied about the protection, she was upfront about that and I made her get tested, but I did also for piece of mind.

 

The OM's wife, hell the other family was like a second family to us. Emergency contact's and all that BullS.... Hell my kid's called him "Uncle "DICK"". We were all somewhat close and knew our issues and problems. But after about a year we learned more and more about how this family looses friends all the time, he had cheated on the other wife before. And the other wife was a complete stalker, she went through his phone all the time, knew all the passwords, went though the phone records, etc. She would tell my wife that he was messing around with another woman. He told me about this woman and that she was just a friend and his wife overreacted. But Drunk he would laugh and show me naked pics of her and give me funny looks about messing around with her. He was all over that.

 

Crazy other wife but not as in fear for our lives, but unpredictable about what she'll do. My wife, a horrible friend, betrayed her and slept with her husband, not a good friend. But we both feel, and the Therapist thinks this is her life and she has accepted it and goes though friends, couples, like this every so often. The Therapist thinks the other wife just ignores it and thinks it will go away. Really f***ed up.

 

I was planning to reach out to her if my wife didn't come clean and start acting like she did. At this point if she does come to us and isn't a basket case we both agreed to help her. But if she shows up like a crazy woman, unfortunately we can call her crazy in front of the kids and they will believe it, she has had several episodes in front of us and the children. That's why I thought the wives stopped hanging out, maybe she knew before me and never told me. Who knows.

 

 

So far I think my wife's legitimate, I always have that fear she just bought herself time and got out of the Adultery charge since I had photos of them in public with her getting felt up and then her confession on tape. My lawyer told me that once we try to work on the marriage that this affair gets thrown out, couldn't file for adultery any more. Adultery would be instant if proven, except with kids but still faster than normal.

 

At the same time she has forgiven me about the brothel and prostitute and I think is somewhat okay with it. She snaps every now and then about it and teases me about the Madam checking me for STDs with rubber gloves. It was humiliating. But she still gives me hell about how I lawyered up and tried to set them up for another encounter in our home because I installed hidden cameras to get picture proof, Audio could have been used against me, stupid laws. She told me that she was trying to back out of the affair, and that was most likely their last time. Who knows but I had them set up perfectly for two weeks and he was pushing to come over and she was turning him away so I don't know. Me catching him feeling her up, he was sitting in his official car, she was talking and he started rubbing her tits. She didn't really back away but smacked his hand away. That was the night I confronted her, I didn't want to see her with anyone else and it burned me to see him touching her. I can't imagine what watching them would feel like, it was so bad just to hear them.

 

We are getting better everyday I think. The other day we had a bad scare when the Dr. office called with the STD results, "we can't tell you over the phone so you need to come in as soon as possible" Great way to scare the **** out of someone. Results of that nature have to be told in person, some policy. But that set us back a little. But we are getting better.

 

We haven't talked like this in years, we spend a little time every day talking and it feels good. I truly want it to work and now that we've talked I understand why and how it happened. And the same reasons for what did match up in a way. I just wasn't cozy with another woman.

 

 

I like all the input, if you guys/gals out there think of some crazy **** to try I am up for it.

Thanks again

[Spectre]

Dude, do not stay with this woman! Especially after she had the audacity to blow up at you over an invasion of privacy! I am not saying invading privacy is right, but she what she did is MUCH worse and she is in no position to get pissed over that, especially right after finding out. This shows me the complete and utter lack of respect she has for you. I am sorry for your situation, but there is no excuse for what she did.

 

You need to sit down and ask yourself why you feel you do not deserve to share your life with the absolute best person possible for you. Since I can tell you right now man: anyone who would ever do this to you is not that person. I know it sucks, I've been there. You are so in love..you want to give them another chance, you are afraid you won't find anyone else..and you feel this person can change. But at the end of the day, this person made the choice to sleep with another person. That is not how you handle issues in a relationship. It is never the answer and nobody deserves to have to settle for someone like that.

 

If you honestly, deep down, feel that you do not deserve to share yourself with the best person possible and are happy with settling for someone who did this to you..then yes, I guess you should stay with her. If you have any self respect you will not do so. I realize these words may feel harsh and I hate saying them to you(I hated when they were said to me) but maybe(hopefully!) they are what you need to hear.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Spectre

[Artie Lang]

you holding on to this information as a form of blackmail is even worse than exposure. it just means you are covering your a$$ at the expense of his BS.

 

you informing his wife doesn't mean you are destroying their family- THEY(your wife and this OM) are the ones accountable for the ramifications of this mess.

 

regardless of the potential outcome, i still say you expose this.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you said professional car, is he a policeman? The courts assume that once you have sex with your spouse after knowing about their infidelity you are in fact forgiving them. O/M's wife will lay most of the blame on you when she learns that you kept the information about her husband and your wife from her. How would you feel if the tables were turned and you were the last to know? Your wife and her husband both considered the worst consequences if caught before they dropped their pants the first time, they still consciously chose to be unfaithful. They just want to take advantage of you being a nice guy one more time rather than deal with the reality of what comes with being caught banging someone else's spouse(for 8 months, that takes a lot of planning and lying with O/M to get you and the children out of the way, think about how many times you and O/M shared her on the same day, sickening.)

[Bryanp]

He requested it so she had to keep having sex with him??? What is wrong with this picture and she did not even bother using protecting and putting your health at risk for STD's/

[Bryanp]

He requested it so she had to keep having sex with him??? What is wrong with this picture and she did not even bother using protecting and putting your health at risk for STD's.

 

You really have to be in big time denial that she was having sex with this guy for 8 months because he requested it. You know that there had to be numerous times that you were with her after she had been with him. Open your eyes.

[cocahouts]

you guys are right it really does bother me that we might have had sex within the same day, it bothers me most about the oral sex with my wife and him. That pisses me off the most. Kissing me or my kids that same day...

 

From what she has told me, I really do believe she's opened up and told me the truth. From when I was spying on her and the details that she has given me everything is starting to match up pretty close. Yes I know you guys have seen this before and I am blind about the whole thing, maybe I am.

 

Her stories about how it all happened also led me to believe that this bastard had been trying to move on her for over a year. He started texting her well over a year ago and my wife told me about it. I confronted him about it and he was sorry, didn't want to give the wrong impression and needed a woman's advice on what to do with his wife. He stopped after I told him to. Months went by again and after a huge blow up at their house he would text us both and ask for help, I would reply and my wife would to. They family were friends and we were trying to help, he pushed back in the door. At this point my wife and I are fighting so he is giving advice to my wife on how to make it better. My wife is so pissed at me during this time he sends a pic of his penis and she told him not to do that and stopped texting her, but never told me. Another big ass fight months later and he reaches out to both of us again, both of us help and he worms his way back in with my wife. Another big fight between me and my wife, I am telling this guy all my problems so he knew when to send another pic of him self and my wife as pissed as she was sent one of her back. Wham...he hooked her and they started becoming best of friends, can open up about everything. that was dumb about the pics, how's your day, you looked beautiful the other day, etc etc. Even came up with pet names for each other.

 

She told me about the time when it first happened my friend and his wife were at the brink of divorce and it was getting really ugly. He was crying to me about this too. She said she got suckered into going to his house and she wanted to comfort him and try and make him feel better. He moved on her and she told me she didn't try and stop and let it happen. He played the “this was wrong”, so they didn't see each other for a while.

 

This guy was someone I told all my issues to, so when my wife and I fought, he knew why and what to say to her. He would use my info to re reach out and play that game again, my wife would fall for it and again and again the cycle continued. I would tell him my problems and he used it against us.

 

She never once tried to blame me for what happen, she told me she knew what she was doing. That's what hurts. She took full responsibility for it.

 

There are some other stories about what happened that I left out. After I caught them, lawyered up and started spying 24x7 the Other Man's Wife caught them sexting like a week later. She blew up at the other man and lashed out at their family, she went crazy and didn't even spare her children when she did it. She also sent my wife some nasty texts that were accidently deleted, my wife was trying to cover it up. This is the mess I am trying to avoid. At the time I was 100% going to leave her I had planned to reach out to the other wife and share proof and hopefully set in motion dual divorces. I wanted that bastard to lose everything. Now that I have calmed down I am trying to look at the bigger picture. The other wife already knows……..This bastard for a friend has been doing this for years to her.

 

I get that I should tell the other wife and I am a sh**bag if I don't, I get that. I also get that when this ***cer does this again it’s because I didn’t do anything to stop him. I also cheated on my wife during the mess so I already know what kind of person I am… I'm not very happy with myself.

 

The Adultery case isn’t that big of a deal to lose. The state I am in is a 50/50 state so all the adultery would do is end it quickly instead of that 1 year separation. It’s bu****** about that so it’s not that big of a loss to me now if this falls through, we still would have to split everything equally.

 

STDs came back clean….one less nightmare to deal with.

 

So far I am hearing from everyone telling me to run. I get that. Everyone at my old job told me the same except for a few old timers. Less than 5 years this would have been a deal breaker. 10 years still running out the door. We have been together for about 20 years, married for 17 with 2 kids, family ties, big plans coming up in the next few years, everything. It’s not that easy to walk away from. If it was like 5 years down the road and my kids would be out of the house then maybe time to split. But I ***ced up too, slept with a prostitute in a brothel and she is mad as hell but we are both working through it. It’s a revenge one night stand vs 6-8 month Affair so I am just really bent up about the whole thing. We just both F-ed up really bad.

[Spectre]

Look, I get that you messed up too with the revenge one night stand, but please do not try to lump yourself in with her. It's not the same, you were trying to get back at her for a huge betrayal, it is understandable though like I said, not right. That said, compared to a 6-8 month affair? Nope, not even close, especially because you only did it because she cheated. You both messed up, what she did is monumentally worse.

 

It is tough to walk away when children involved, but let me tell you something: parents splitting up DO NOT ruin their kids lives, ****ty parenting is what does that, bottom line. As long as you are loving and caring and they know you love them? That is what matters. Kids can be sensitive, but they can also be tough and get through a lot.

 

Also man, all those things you are listing? All those things you feel are reasons to stay? The being together for 20 years, the kids, the shared life? Those are ALL reasons why what she did is so completely awful. Think about it, you have children! What was she thinking being this disrespectful of you? What possible respect could she have for you and the life you built? I always see people cheated on talk about all the good things for reasons why they should stay, but for me the more good things these cheaters threw away the more they do not deserve to be taken back.

 

The sad truth is if the relationship was so special? You wouldn't be here man, period, end of story. Not to say you would never have problems in a relationship, but you would never ever be on a website talking about how she boned another dude in your house, etc. It is unfortunate, but I feel life is too short to waste being with someone who just isn't the one for you.

 

I also rarely see people who talk about staying in a marriage solely for kids talk about the other side of it: I have had friends who were DEVASTATED to find out one of their parents only stayed with their spouse because of them. These kids loved their parents and were glad for the life they had, but they also felt so very badly at all the pain it must of caused for their one parent to have to deal with living with the person who betrayed them so badly and they feel like it was their fault their parent had to feel so much pain. I know it is never a child's fault when this happened, but I just wanted you to maybe see the other side of the whole "stay in the marriage for the kids" thing, because people always act like this can never ever actually be a worse choice then splitting.

Edited November 17, 2013 by Spectre

[aliveagain]

Only you can decide to stay or leave, the same with forgiveness, just don't forgive too easily, make her do the work, you both need to do the work. You both knew this guy was a cheater, you knew his history, you knew his wife was nuts but that didn't stop you from being his friend even with all the red flags. It didn't stop your wife from becoming his booty call even knowing how nuts his wife was. It's hard to plan and carry out an affair for 8 months when there are children, a husband and a wife to deceive. They didn't come to you and confess, you had to drag it out of her kicking and screaming all the way. They'd probably still be sexually active if you hadn't busted her. They are both dishonest selfish people with poor boundaries.

 

The man is a predator, he stalked your wife and she knew it and allowed it or there would never have been an affair. You decide what is best for you and your family but seriously, letting this POS off without a consequence will haunt you later. He is probably working on someone else's wife as I write this. Do us all a favor and find a way to expose him. The imbalance your wife's 8 month betrayal has caused your marriage may not be apparent for a while but it will and needs to be dealt with. You will need professional help from counselors that are experienced with infidelity. Your decision to reconcile should be because of her remorse and that you are both equally vested in making the marriage work for the right reasons.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but your one time going to a brothel does not compare with your wife banging your best friend for 8 months behind your back without using protection and being with you intimately after she had been with him.

For you to think that is equal is absolutely absurd. You are in denial and your wife has played you for a fool engaging in a double betrayal toward you for 8 months. This is the height of disrespect and humiliation. If you do not respect yourself then who will?