Curious about this girl's direction

[RonaldS]

Let me preface this by stating that I enjoy dating but am not looking for a relationship, nor do I 'fall' for girls, so when I date, it's more of a hobby and a fun way to spend time rather than a pursuit for a relationship.

 

So, I've hung out with a girl a few times now. Not super frequently...maybe 3 times over a month. The first time, we went out and had drinks and a light meal. The second time was maybe a week later, and we had a semi-impromptu meet up for coffee. Nothing happened on either meeting, although we had great conversation, laughs, chemistry, etc. She has always been explicit in talking about things we would do together in the future, things like that.

 

Well, I didn't see her for a couple of weeks, although we would text back and forth in the interim. Well, last week Sunday I was driving back into town on my way home from out of state. We were texting back and forth a little, and I mentioned that I was going to be driving by on the expressway near her place in a hour, so she should wave. She replied with 'Wave as you go by, or wave you over?', and I said 'that's up to you'. She then said, 'ok, I need to clean up and get ready', then gave me her address.

 

So, I went over there, and we hung out and talked for a couple of hours, and there was a little flirting. I looked at the clock and realized how late it was, and said that it was time to kill the party b/c I had to get up early. She agreed. She walked me to the door, hug goodbye, and then of course, we ended up having a semi-light makeout session. Nothing too crazy, but definitely some intensity and I could sense strong desire from her.

 

She had told me that night that we should go to a certain restaurant, and I texted her the next day asking what day she had free this week to go out. She then said she was super busy this week, maybe next week? Fine...cool. Then, we didn't really talk again the rest of the week. Today I reached out to say 'hey', and we've gone back and forth very sparsely, but no mention of wanting to get together.

 

She's hard to read. My sense is that, give that I have initiated a majority of the conversations, maybe she's just not feeling it. But them why the having me over to her house (which I know is sort of a big deal for a woman), and the make out session, and the making of future plans? When I was leaving her place, she was even telling me where to park in the future. Huh? When I'm not into somebody, I don't do any of that.

 

So, I don't know how excited to get about this girl, if at all. She's totally pretty, totally hot, and very cool to hang out with. I'm definitely interested, but her being sort of...I don't know what word to use...I guess, spotty? Her being spotty, honestly, it's making me lose interest.

 

Is this one of those situations where you just step away and move on? The signals seem mixed. Do they indicate caution and deliberation, or lack of interest? I'm not used to this. Usually girls just fall instantly after we start hanging out. This woman is sort of intriguing me with this seeming cat-and-mouse game. Thoughts?

[RonaldS]

Yikes. Didn't realize that was 70 pages long.

[Divasu]

Yes next time shorten it a bit.

Ah, she's probably in the same frame of mind you are?

She enjoys dating but is not looking for a relationship would be my guess.

[Versacehottie]

Well she sounds super cool. And I like the way she is handling--it got you to pay attention. Listen, she is a worthy girl. From the way you started your post, mixed messages are a two way street. If she senses you pulling back or only able to handle so much, she pulls back. Sounds quality to me plus all the other stuff you mentioned about her. Her messages may be less mixed than the APPROPRIATE response to your messages, ie if you slow down, so does she. But she has to give you enough to keep you coming back and it looks like she has.

[RonaldS]

Yes next time shorten it a bit.

Ah, she's probably in the same frame of mind you are?

She enjoys dating but is not looking for a relationship would be my guess.

 

Oh God, I hope so. That would be awesome.

 

But I also wonder if my station in life (divorced w/kids) and being older than her by 11 years isn't causing her to push herself away from the table.

[Divasu]

Oh God, I hope so. That would be awesome.

 

But I also wonder if my station in life (divorced w/kids) and being older than her by 11 years isn't causing her to push herself away from the table.

 

I'm sure.

I too would keep myself emotionally distant if the above were true.

[RonaldS]

Well she sounds super cool. And I like the way she is handling--it got you to pay attention. Listen, she is a worthy girl. From the way you started your post, mixed messages are a two way street. If she senses you pulling back or only able to handle so much, she pulls back. Sounds quality to me plus all the other stuff you mentioned about her. Her messages may be less mixed than the APPROPRIATE response to your messages, ie if you slow down, so does she. But she has to give you enough to keep you coming back and it looks like she has.

 

That's a really interesting perspective. Hmmmm.....could be.

 

It's weird, though, because you read so many stories like this on LS and when the pattern of elusivity and apparent apathy is established by a woman, chapter and verse is 'she's not interested...move on'.

 

This is sort of unusual territory for me, because pretty much without exception, once I get involved with a girl, especially if it reaches the point of anything physical, then the game is pretty much over. I was assuming that she has lost interest or never really was interested.

[Versacehottie]

if u took a week off from being in contact with her just because the two of you couldn't get together until a time after that, well then that feels like pulling back. It's the beginning so lots of women expect the guy to initiate. Plus even though guys say they like a girl to initiate like texting, for example--the reality is when we do, it sends the message that we are all in and guys tend to lose interest. I know you said you are not looking for a relationship but if she doesn't know that yet she may play the steps to set it up where it can go in a relationship direction if that's what she wants. I have a question for you: if you DON'T want a relationship why does it matter if you are getting a "spotty" feeling from her. I guess what I'm saying is that i think you may actually have feelings for her that are relationship-worthy. Check yourself before you wreck yourself and don't mess up what could be a good thing.

[devilish innocent]

I'm not sure what the problem is. You've said you're not looking for a relationship and are just dating for fun. She seems to have similar feelings when it comes to you. She's not getting overly excited by anything. But she seems to be enjoying her time with you and wants it to continue when she can fit you into the schedule. It seems like a win/win scenario to me.

 

Or are you losing interest because you only want women who will start to fall for you? In that case, you're not being fair to the women you're dating. You're allowing them to get led on in order to boost your ego. If all you want is casual dating without it leading to a relationship, then you should learn to appreciate the women who don't take the relationship too seriously.

[RonaldS]

I'm not sure what the problem is. You've said you're not looking for a relationship and are just dating for fun. She seems to have similar feelings when it comes to you. She's not getting overly excited by anything. But she seems to be enjoying her time with you and wants it to continue when she can fit you into the schedule. It seems like a win/win scenario to me.

 

Or are you losing interest because you only want women who will start to fall for you? In that case, you're not being fair to the women you're dating. You're allowing them to get led on in order to boost your ego. If all you want is casual dating without it leading to a relationship, then you should learn to appreciate the women who don't take the relationship too seriously.

 

I'm not losing interest because she's not falling for me. If in fact she is approaching it the way I am, then that's great. I'm not accustomed to that happening, but that doesn't mean it's not desirable to me.

 

It's more a matter of not feeling like it's an equitable exchange. I feel like I initiate a lot of the communication, and I feel like I put most of the effort in. So, I don't necessarily pull away, but then sometimes if feel like, 'alright, if she wants to talk or hang out, she'll contact me', and then my tendency is to wait to see if she does anything. I kind of get the sense that if I stop reaching out to her, she's not going to make any sort of move herself.

 

All that makes me feel like she's not that interested. But then, there were all of the other things that suggest otherwise. I feel like maybe I should just let go of it, and maybe she'll pop up again down the line.

[RonaldS]

Update:

 

We chatted lightly on Friday night, but it was pretty sparse and not very involved. No mention on her end of wanting to get together. Then, I mentioned that I had to get to bed because I had a really important certification exam the next day. She said 'good luck on your exam!', and that was it. Never heard back from her, like a follow-up to see how the exam went, nothing today...no effort.

 

So I think that about wraps that up. Too bad.....she was cool. Of all of the women I had met in the last couple of years, she was the only one who truly piqued my interest.

 

From this I'm reminded of a lesson I learned by owning a business....don't get excited until the check clears.

 

A lot of people meet people and get butterflies and feel all tingly and start writing a narrative with a person that they like, and then if just ends for whatever reason and then people feel hurt and can't understand why it didn't work out according to their narrative. I learned a long time ago that, in life, it's wise to temper our enthusiasm and expectation.

 

Anyway, onward.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, if you really are interested in her, I think you are writing her off too early. I think wishing you well on your test enthusiastically is good enough. With the current status of you guys, if she had followed up the next day to see how it went it may have seemed too clingy to a lot of guys. Trust me, she is probably working off the generalization of "most guys" would/would not; and "most girls" should/should not at this stage. You guys are in the grey area of not knowing where you stand with one another so she is erring on side of caution and letting you take the lead. This is normal, especially if she is cool and worthwhile. I don't get why you would want her to check up on how the test went when you "don't want a relationship". That sounds like a relationship type of contact. I'm just being honest and hopefully helpful when I say that perhaps you are expecting her to take the lead too much. No one like a girl that throws herself at a guy. Don't pass up a good thing because you expect her to read your mind. It sounds like she responds positively when you reach out to her, which is what is she should be doing & probably reason you are intrigued vs the other girls you have dated previously. Idk but I believe indifference begets indifference and sometimes it's all a miscommunication rather than a sign of not being interested. Guys taking a risk and being a tad vulnerable read as confident and therefore attractive. You should set up another time to see her if for nothing else than to test that theory.

[anna121]

Honestly? It sounds like you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

 

If you aren't interested in a relationship, and you enjoy spending time with her, think she's hot etc, why wouldn't you just ask her to that restaurant?

 

The emotional mindset you describe yourself as having is utilitarian, yet you want a response from her that will make you feel validated.

 

Who cares? You are not looking for a relationship. So, if you want to see her, ask her.

[RonaldS]

I understand what you both are saying. But this is what I don't get....what makes this situation different than all of the other scenarios posted on LS where a guy is hanging out with a girl, she fades away, and the consensus is aways tha she's not interested or has met somebody else so just move on.

 

To me, the scenarios seem identical. We hung out a couple of times, kissed once and then she sort of drifted off.

 

In regards to hoping to hear from her post-exam, it's just a follow up. As we had been communicating over the weeks, that pattern of 'how did your day go', 'how did your move go?' etc had sort of been established. Nothing big, granted, and I'm not sitting around getting upset that she didn't contact me. Just noticeable, that's all.

 

And as an addendum to not wanting a relationship: it's not that I'm against one. It's that I'm not seeking one, and I don't have specific motivations or objectives with a woman. And I'm not going to try to find one or make one happen. But at the same time, I operate on the 'ya never know' principle. The right person, and who knows?

[Versacehottie]

Ok all legit points. I like that you are open to see where it goes--that matches better with what you described in your original posts & what I think is between the lines and why you feel the way you do. Maybe there were some points in your original post that were left out where you felt like her interest was dwindling because all that you described sounded like it was steady (possibly increasing). I hear you if you say your texting communicating is not the same as it was. Maybe you are expecting her to initiate more by this point and she doesn't feel secure enough to do that. Only you both really truly know and only YOU know if it is worth pursuing. I'm not saying she is unconfident or insecure--some girls though do have a 6th sense about a guy who does not specifically want a relationship and will kind of shut down on those guys. However, I think many guys (and girls) start things without necessarily KNOWING how they want it to turn out or what they are looking for. It's often the person they bump into along the way that makes that difference, especially from a guys' point of view. If I asked 10 of my single guy friends tomorrow, "do you want a relationship?" probably 9 of them would say no, which is a good standard answer from their perspective. I would just be careful of who you say that to: you might scare away a good girl. And whether it's for 6 months, a year or a lifetime, better to have your pick of good girls. Lastly, again if you are interested and open to taking a bit of a risk, it couldn't hurt to pursue her some more. As another cool girl, I would have handled it exactly as you describe that she has and it would be safe to presume that I was significantly interested. For example, I wouldn't have a) let you come to my place b) tell you where to park for future c) talk about future potential plans without being really interested. If you just talked to her friday night, i doubt much has changed. Let us know what happens and good luck!

[RonaldS]

That's the thing...it felt like interest was increasing, and then it died off very quickly. I mean, yeah, we were kissing in her house, but maybe she wasn't into it? I don't know. It seemed like she was into it. I'm hardly a rookie when it comes to girls, so I don't usually misinterpret interest.

 

But this is the second time in about a month where there was interest from a girl and then it just shut down out of nowhere w/o me even doing anything stupid. There was also a girl who works for one of my clients (I posted about it here)....she was new to the city, we started chatting a little while I was in her office, I mentioned we should grab a drink since we live in the same neighborhood. We exchanged #s and texted each other fairly frequently over a month or so. She mentioned she had no plans for Halloween, so I suggested we grab a drink (this was the day before). She said she would like that a lot. Reached out to her on Halloween day, and nothing. No response of any kind. And nothing since. She has said 'hi' when I'm in the office, but it's sort of awkward.

 

To me, this is now the second instance in a month where there seemed to be very solid interest and then, boom....nothing.

 

I really don't feel like I'm doing anything at all to screw anything up.

[RonaldS]

As another cool girl, I would have handled it exactly as you describe that she has and it would be safe to presume that I was significantly interested. For example, I wouldn't have a) let you come to my place b) tell you where to park for future c) talk about future potential plans without being really interested. If you just talked to her friday night, i doubt much has changed. Let us know what happens and good luck!

 

Update:

 

Hmmmmm....not much to say. I reached out to her Monday morning, she responded early in the evening, and I replied to her. Heard back from her Tuesday morning, I responded and then she replied to that In the evening and that was sort of that.

 

Nothing real substantive, although more than just 'hey, how are you?'. Nothing encouraging and nothing to suggest that meeting up again was any sort of priority. Now, I'm pretty busy for then next 5 days and then out of town with my kids for a week, so it seems to be pretty dead in the water at this point.

 

It could be that she was playing it cool, but maybe she played it too cool? Or maybe she wasn't that interested, or found somebody she likes more. Who knows? Doesn't seem to matter much. And for the record, I'm not heartbroken or anything, but it's a little disappointing. I meet women all the time, but it's very rare for me to meet one who really gets my attention. I think it's just sort of mysterious. I didn't exaggerate her interest at all. I'm very good at gauging women, so I doubt I misinterpreted anything.

 

Oh well.

 

Edit: BTW, I'm 39 and she is turning 29 next week. I don't anticipate hearing from her, but since I have her address, I was thinking I might go old fashioned and send her a birthday card. Nothing deep, but a gesture.

Edited November 21, 2013 by RonaldS

[RonaldS]

Oddly, another update:

 

So, somehow, this girl and I have very lightly stayed in touch. As is always the case, early on, we texted all the time. Then we started meeting up, and the texting died down. Then the night I was at her house, and then not much after that.

 

But there were always a few messages trickling back and forth, fairly uninvolved. Then I left the state for a short vacation, and we had a couple of very short conversations. Before I left, I mailed her a card for her birthday. I didn't know the exact date, but she had mentioned it was near the end of the month. Well, while I was on vacation, she texted me thanking me for the card, it was so sweet and thoughtful, etc. I then responded with 'You're welcome, blah blah blah, we should get together and celebrate your birthday when I get back'. She said, 'Sounds good...' and then went on to mention a couple of trips she had coming up in the next week.

 

So today I called her. Left a message talking about how it would great to see her, and etc etc. She texted back that she wants to get together and one of her trips was maybe cancelled and she would call in the next day or so.

 

I don't know what to think. I'm excited about being able to see her, but at the same time, the momentum seems to be lost. While in vacation, I had a few dates, all good and one of them, on my last night there, was amazing. Obviously, there's a distance factor precluding starting a relationship with that woman, but it was still a 'wow!' date.

 

Maybe it's beat to just let this thing die off? If I had a better sense of her direction and motivation, it would be one thing. Is it really even worth pursuing anymore? Seems so sparse.

[Versacehottie]

i would go. What do you have to lose? Only chance to gain. Even if you don't date past this time, at least you will have clarity on the situation.

[gabgab]

If you aren't into relationships and never fall for girls, why did you even bother posting this? Are you wondering how quickly you are going to get sex, or is your ego bruised shes not tripping over herself to be available to you?

 

I wish she could read this thread...to see how you view dating in such a cold detached manner. The "so great to see her" I highly doubt is genuine on your part.

[RonaldS]

If you aren't into relationships and never fall for girls, why did you even bother posting this? Are you wondering how quickly you are going to get sex, or is your ego bruised shes not tripping over herself to be available to you?

 

I wish she could read this thread...to see how you view dating in such a cold detached manner. The "so great to see her" I highly doubt is genuine on your part.

 

No, I just think it's interesting. She seems to have one thing that most other girls don't....my attention. She's not following the script, and it's intriguing. Thanks for your well thought out and not at all jaded response.

[RonaldS]

i would go. What do you have to lose? Only chance to gain. Even if you don't date past this time, at least you will have clarity on the situation.

 

Nothing to lose but time. I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid that I will start to really like her and that's not a position I'm in a hurry to be in. Right now it's pretty safe....had some good times, some intimacy, OK, now move on.

 

To be clear, I'm not afraid of getting hurt. But I am leery of liking somebody a lot because that is putting me on that road to being in a relationship, and I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet. All of the other girls I've hung out with have been great but easy to walk away from. This one is a little different.

[Versacehottie]

All of the other girls I've hung out with have been great but easy to walk away from. This one is a little different.

 

oh ronald s, this is exactly why you should go. girls like this don't come along too often.

[RonaldS]

oh ronald s, this is exactly why you should go. girls like this don't come along too often.

 

That's the dilemma.

 

Venture forth knowing it's different and has the potential to turn into something while also knowing I'm not really there, and possibly locking myself into a situation I'm not ready for, and also risking hurting somebody, or....

 

....being rational.

 

I think a couple of weeks ago, I had written it off and was ok with that outcome, so it's surprising/baffling to me that there are still some hot embers underneath the ash.

Edited December 6, 2013 by RonaldS

[RonaldS]

And now because I haven't really heard much from her since saying that she would get ahold of me and set something up, I'm inclined to just say 'screw it' and forget it.

 

What's the point in saying you want to get together if you don't? At this point, isn't it pretty simple to just say that you would rather not or whatever other way people have of shutting this stuff down? I mean, we haven't seen each other in a month. Why not just say 'no thanks' or 'you're a great guy, but....' or whatever?

 

This is what makes this all so baffling. Her out is there...why not take it? What's her intent?