Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Okay, so this is a two part question: (1) In general, how would you interpret a man saying, "I don't want to end things, but I think we need to chill and take a break"? (2) To give a rundown of MY particular situation, so that maybe you can mold your answer to my personal concern: I am a lesbian, or at least I thought I was, but then I met an older, divorced guy who I like a lot. We saw each other for two weeks--were practically inseparable. He told me he wanted to eventually marry me and I could move in with him as soon as my lease was up, etc., I met his family, we cooked together, I stayed the night at his house for pretty much the whole last week, etc.. And then we slept together. He was still really attentive even after that and then he had to go on a trip out of town for work. The first day he called and all was well. The second day: nothing. The third day: I kind of flipped out on facebook. Well, not "flipped out," but I was accusatory, insecure and generally paranoid. This was clearly a mistake, because when he came back he said we needed to "chill and take a break." He said he doesn't want to end things, necessarily, but that I still have a lot of issues I need to work through (my ex-girlfriend is still kind of in the picture and causing me grief, which, in turn makes me paranoid about him) and his ex-wife is also causing him some grief. So, I mean, I get that things are kind of bad timing right now, and it's not like I'm head-over-heels in love with this guy, but I honestly think I could be. I mean, I never like men, but I genuinely like this one. I want things to work out, but being 28 and never having been in a heterosexual relationship, I'm not sure what to make of this or how to proceed. He's in his 40's, so maybe he means this differently than I'm taking it...I think some of our miscommunication may be the generational gap, but also, of course, that I've never (really) dated a man. I mean, he seems genuine when he says he doesn't want it to be "over," but that we need to "take a break," but how the heck long is a break? When will the break be over, if ever? Obviously, I should wait for him to contact me, but should I date others in the meantime? Do I wait for him to come back around? Should I ask him? I mean, I don't want to date anyone else right now, because I'm really only interested in him and my ex, but I would never want to be with my ex again. That said, I don't just want to sit around waiting for someone to decide that he wants to be with me. I am of the mind that if you want to be with someone: you'll be with them, despite any potential issues that may arise. Maybe he's just not that interested in me after all? But he did seem really authentic when he told everything that he did and I think I have a pretty good bs detector. I'm so confused right now...I know I'm probably over-analyzing everything and really do need to "chill," but any help would be greatly appreciated!
lollipopspot Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 He was still really attentive even after that and then he had to go on a trip out of town for work. The first day he called and all was well. The second day: nothing. The third day: I kind of flipped out on facebook. Well, not "flipped out," but I was accusatory, insecure and generally paranoid. What exactly did you say, and was it public or in a private message?
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 taking a break is BS once junior high school is over. It's a way to ease into a break up. If you can't post positive happy things, stay off FB especially pages belonging to new people in your romantic life b/c it will just make you crazy. 1
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Hi, lollipopspot-- I pretty much sounded like a pathetic idiot and said something to the effect of me feeling like I was more interested in him than he was me, not wanting to just be a fling, that I had had my heart broken enough with my ex to last me a lifetime. That sort of insecure crap. He said he wasn't interested in just a fling and that he felt like he messed up by trying to see me constantly and that maybe we moved too fast.
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 LOL, d0nnivain, I'm beginning to figure that out...I do definitely need to avoid facebook chatting.
Tina747 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 If a guy ever says "...but I think we need to chill and take a break..." it almost always is translation to mean "it is over". Sorry, I hope you meet the right person for you. Everyone deserves to be happy. Cheers!
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Oh, it was private. I wouldn't make my insecurities public! (Though I suppose this is considered public...)
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 See, that's what I would think, Tina, but when I agreed with what he was saying, he told him thanks for a nice time, he responded with: it does not have to be over, I miss you but am not doing too good with anyone right now.. lets clean up our chaos, ok.
nescafe1982 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Sounds to me like he future-faked you to get in bed. And "taking a break" is code for "it's over." I know it's harsh, and mean, and immature on his part. But I would recommend not getting so invested in someone just two weeks after meeting them. And if you're not sure they're around for keeps, don't sleep with them so early! That is, is keeping them around is what you want. I'd pull back from him now. If (sensing your distance) he rebounds, well that something. If not, then he was just into getting laid. 5
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 taking a break is BS once junior high school is over. It's a way to ease into a break up. If you can't post positive happy things, stay off FB especially pages belonging to new people in your romantic life b/c it will just make you crazy. See, that's what I would think, Tina, but when I agreed with what he was saying, he told him thanks for a nice time, he responded with: it does not have to be over, I miss you but am not doing too good with anyone right now.. lets clean up our chaos, ok. Sorry, I meant, "When I agreed with what he was saying AND told him thanks for a nice time, he responded with: it does not have to be over, I miss you but am not doing too good with anyone right now...lets clean up our chaos, ok.
lollipopspot Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 O.k., good. Public would be close to a relationship ender. My advice is to just ease off. Deal with your insecurities privately. See a counselor if you must. Write in a diary. But deal with the crazy on your own, or in a very measured way with him - i.e. not going off on him, but telling him your insecurities when you have more serious conversations. Try to start over and show him what is good about you again. 1
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 O.k., good. Public would be close to a relationship ender. My advice is to just ease off. Deal with your insecurities privately. See a counselor if you must. Write in a diary. But deal with the crazy on your own, or in a very measured way with him - i.e. not going off on him, but telling him your insecurities when you have more serious conversations. Try to start over and show him what is good about you again. LOL, thanks, lollipopspot: I appreciate your optimism. I hope you're right... I mean, he's had plenty of opportunities to get other girls in bed, but he was very publically attentive to me specifically, so I can't imagine it was just about the sex. I mean, right afterward he still wanted to see me. If it were just sex, I expect he would have ran right after getting it... But, I don't know. I'm just insecure from my past situation, I guess. I was hoping he would be a little more understanding, but, again, he has a lot of his own stuff going on right now.
veggirl Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 (edited) Why did you jump in so fast with him? Spending every night after only TWO WEEKS of dating? yeah I'd need a break too!! Then again you are both old enough to know that going that fast is a recipe for disaster so my guess is he picked up on some insecurity / possible desperation in you and knew that's what he should do to get you in bed, so he did it. Break = break up. It's been two weeks and you've already had a fight. That's not normal. That's not how good relationships start. Did he know of your lesbian history? Maybe he was going along with the stereotype of...well, what does a lesbian bring on a 2nd date, a UHaul......? Slow your roll next time. Edited November 16, 2013 by veggirl
lollipopspot Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I don't agree break necessarily means break up. I think you scared him with your reaction. Now you need to try to show him with your actions that you are gaining control of your emotions. It may or may not be possible, but I wouldn't rule it out at all. 1
Author Storm_Chaser Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Why did you jump in so fast with him? Spending every night after only TWO WEEKS of dating? yeah I'd need a break too!! Then again you are both old enough to know that going that fast is a recipe for disaster so my guess is he picked up on some insecurity / possible desperation in you and knew that's what he should do to get you in bed, so he did it. Break = break up. Slow your roll next time. I know, believe me: I know. I mean, I just really needed some lighthearted fun after the **** that happened with my ex. It wasn't really desperation, because I'm not particularly desperate, but I am definitely insecure. That much is true. Maybe, but I mean, why introduce me to his family and why after I said I was in agreement with everything he was saying would he say it didn't have to be over, we just needed to chill and fix the chaos in our lives. I think it was that we were both just really sexually attracted to each other and decided to have sex. Period. I don't think it was any sort of game playing to get me in bed. But, again, I don't have all the answers, else I wouldn't be here...
heartshaped Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I think it's just too much too soon for him. Not a bad thing, doesn't mean he isn't interested, but that doesn't mean either you have to wait around indefinitely. I'd take a step back, give him some space, and see where things head in the next few weeks.
Author Storm_Chaser Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Apparently, at least according to this particular guy's actions, "taking a break" means: keeping you on the sidelines while he keeps his options open, screwing around with other women, while hoping he can come back to you and screw around with you at some point. God, I hope not all men are as big of *******s as this one was. I'm so glad I lost what was left of my V-Card to that dick. Lesson learned. Thanks for all of the insights, though, all! Wish I would have come on here for advice BEFORE ****ing him. That said: he was really good in bed, so I guess it was at least a little worth it.
Elias33 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 taking a break is BS once junior high school is over. It's a way to ease into a break up. If you can't post positive happy things, stay off FB especially pages belonging to new people in your romantic life b/c it will just make you crazy. Words of wisdom. Breaks are absolutely a waste of time, unless, and I always say this, there are children involved or there has been infidelity. If that is not the case, it's pretty much a pile of sh"&. Excuse the language .
CrystalCastles Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 When someone wants to marry you after 2 weeks of seeing you, that's a bad sign. It means they're unstable. No normal human being is going to want to marry a person after knowing them for 2 weeks. I don't care how in love they think they are. This douchebag used you and told you a bunch of lies to get you into bed. Funny, many early 20s guys do this. I suppose being a man-whore player isn't limited to early 20s guys then. LOL. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. Next time, slow way down, girl. Watch for a guy's actions, not his words. And don't jump into bed with him so soon, no matter how in love you think you are. Guys will often say any sh*t they know you want to hear just to get into your pants. If a guy truly has feelings for you, he will show how much you mean to him through his actions over a good period of time. Only then will you know he means what he says. Dating = proceed with caution at your own risk.
Wallace1 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 That message/rant would turn me off as well. Sending crazy messages that soon into any kind of a relationship is a a sure fire way to end it. When someone is out of town, and has told me as much, I personally would send a note shortly after they arrive, and wait for them to reciprocate beyond that. He very well may have genuinely been interested up until this trip, I don't think you can question his motivation when a wildcard like that has been introduced. My advice would be to wait for him to contact you to move things forward for a week or two, and if nothing happens, just assume it's over. I personally wouldn't pass up dates in the mean time
SunnySide0418 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Apparently, at least according to this particular guy's actions, "taking a break" means: keeping you on the sidelines while he keeps his options open, screwing around with other women, while hoping he can come back to you and screw around with you at some point. God, I hope not all men are as big of *******s as this one was. I'm so glad I lost what was left of my V-Card to that dick. Lesson learned. Thanks for all of the insights, though, all! Wish I would have come on here for advice BEFORE ****ing him. That said: he was really good in bed, so I guess it was at least a little worth it. How did you find this out??
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