Dolores Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Hi, I need advice, please help me. I have been married 23 yrs and have been happy. Lately my husband has neglected me and I have been lonely. I met a man online and we hit it off. Against everything I ever believed in, we have been having an affair the past 3 months. I want to to stop it, Im having a hard time dealing with feelings of guilty and depression because of it. Whenever I tell this man I want it to end, he threatens to tell my husband if I leave him. I do not want my husband to find out...I feel like I have made a terrible mistake and I don't want to hurt him - I want to work it out with him. Please give me some advice on how to break it off with this man without making him angry enough to tell my husband. I feel like this is emotional black-mail.
Merin Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Honestly.. I would suggest you tell your husband about your affair.. This is the thing Dolores, you've gotten yourself involved with a guy who is feeling malicious.. he doesn't want to end the affair and is using threats to keep this going. Even IF you could convince this other guy not to tell your husband about this affair.. do you think you can live in fear on a constant basis that maybe one day, your husband will learn of the affair either from this other guy or a different means? There was/is something not right going on in the marriage.. so the affair started.. IMO if you continue to "pretend" there isn't anything wrong and not face the problems in the marriage then you are leaving the door open for another affair on your part.. or on your husbands. Just my two cents.
CurvyGurl Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Meh. Call his bluff. Or tell him you already told your husband and then cut. it. off. I disagree with telling your hubby about the affair. If he's clueless, let him remain clueless. Telling him will just drag him through the hell you've created. Cut it off, make peace with yourself and your God, NEVER DO IT AGAIN and move forward. Whatever you do, don't destroy your husband's happiness just to alleviate some guilt on your part.
Author Dolores Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 He wont believe I told him because I am such a basket case about my husband finding out! TI believe this man is obsessed with me. He says he loves me and cant live without me and starts crying. I do believe he will tell my husband if I leave.
CurvyGurl Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 So then you have no choice but to own up to it. Who would your hubby rather hear it from, you or him? He's holding you hostage with this. If you REALLY think he'll tell your husband then you should be the one to break the news. You just have to hope your husband wants the same thing you do, to work it out.
immoralist Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 What leverage, if any, do you have with your OM? He is extorting sex from you. That might even be the guy's modus operandi: hook-up online with lonely married women, have sexual relations and then extort sex or money from them in exchange for not disclosing the affairs to their husbands. It sounds like some plot for a bad movie of the week on a women's channel. Other than threatening to get this guy whacked (if you have mob connections), your best bet is to come clean with your husband: NOW. You must deliver the news/blow, not some a**h*** online extortionist. Otherwise, where will it end? Will his demands, both sexual and material, ratchet up? I hope he hasn't recorded or videotaped any of your trysts or sex talk. Tell your husband and have absolutely no additional contact with this sociopath. So much for online affairs with Internet trash.
jcweik Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 "I disagree with telling your hubby about the affair. If he's clueless, let him remain clueless. Telling him will just drag him through the hell you've created. Cut it off, make peace with yourself and your God, NEVER DO IT AGAIN and move forward. Whatever you do, don't destroy your husband's happiness just to alleviate some guilt on your part." There is a thing about marriage. Its called TRUST. You should tell your husband, no matter what anyone says. Cheating is a very bad thing in my eyes. Its the worst thing you can do in a relationship and i feel terrible for your husband. If it were't for cheating, 50 percent of these board members would have never of found this website.
quankanne Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 as hard as it is, you're going to have to sit your husband down and let him know about the affair. and about your psycho OM. Believe me, as much as it's gonna hurt him to learn, he will most likely appreciate it coming from you, rather than through the grapevine ... or a psycho. By doing so, you not only give your marriage a chance to heal or mend or work itself out, you're circumventing the OM's threat AND placing yourself in control of the situation. another thing you might seriously want to consider is joint counseling with your husband, because it's going to take some serious sessions of talk to get through this episode in your marriage. the plus side is that you're doing something proactive for the marriage, you know? good luck, and don't let the OM dictate your actions anymore. he's obviously not playing with a full deck ....
k.j Posted December 25, 2004 Posted December 25, 2004 Oh Please TELL YOUR HUSBAND!! Get rid of this other guy in your life and do not allow him to control you like this. This is all so sad. Married 23 years and that would call for some amount of trust and communication, There is a bond between you that I do not think that this other guy will ruin, However If This other man gets to your husband before you do then that will distroy your husband, the trust , communication and the bond of marrage will be damaged. Put the OM in his spot and stop him from doing this to you and others!!! CALL HIM ON IT!!! This has happened to one of my best friends, She started the afair because her b/f was not giving her the time attention she needed, the OM would tell her all the time that he would go to her b/f. Then it start to be every time she would not do something, he would say well I am calling him now. She was scared and did not know what to do, the afair last well over a year for that reason. In the end he did tell her b/f about it all expecting them to break up and the other 2 would be together. It backfired on him and they are happier now then ever before. All she did was admit to it and they talked about the reasons it happened, Now he is aware of this and thinks about it often, How he can be a better partener with her. Please Let yourself admit your mistake to him no matter how scared you are, Yes he will be hurt and he may get distant,cold and not to talkive, he will no be himself for a bit. Just be there to comfort him and love ONLY him. Good Luck
theone44 Posted December 25, 2004 Posted December 25, 2004 Originally posted by Dolores He wont believe I told him because I am such a basket case about my husband finding out! TI believe this man is obsessed with me. He says he loves me and cant live without me and starts crying. I do believe he will tell my husband if I leave. that what happen when you cheat,but you should tell your old man and forget this obsessive person.
SoleMate Posted December 25, 2004 Posted December 25, 2004 What a horrible situation. Please give me some advice on how to break it off with this man without making him angry enough to tell my husband. Unlikely that you will be able. At best, I think you can buy time by feeding the OM a few promises and saying your husband is very suspicious. But in the end, it is likely you will be finked out. I feel like this is emotional black-mail. Depending on the law of your state, it may be legal blackmail as well. However, like most blackmail victims, you feel unable to ask for legal assistance or police protection, because they tend to result in your wirst fear - discovery. I truly sympathize with you. It is a horrible situation. What you have to do is painful and frightening, but I don't see many alternatives. Go to your husband and tell him you are being threatened, and ask for his protection and help. See a counselor. Have your H call the OM and tell him to stay away from you under threat of prosecution. You can't live like this, it's just impossible.
Author Dolores Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by CurvyGurl Meh. Call his bluff. Or tell him you already told your husband and then cut. it. off. I disagree with telling your hubby about the affair. If he's clueless, let him remain clueless. Telling him will just drag him through the hell you've created. Cut it off, make peace with yourself and your God, NEVER DO IT AGAIN and move forward. Whatever you do, don't destroy your husband's happiness just to alleviate some guilt on your part. well I did call his bluff....He started calling my home in the middle of the night, hanging up if my husband answered until I got online to talk to him. I thought each time he was going to tell my husband everything each time. So, I told him I couldnt live in fear like that -- that I was going to tell him everything myself. He started crying saying he was only trying to get my attention..that he would never tell my husband anything. He wants me to forgive him...he keeps text messaging me..asking for forgiveness saying he loves me. Now he says hes sick..constantly throwing up because I wont see him anymore. Now what do I do?
theone44 Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by Dolores well I did call his bluff....He started calling my home in the middle of the night, hanging up if my husband answered until I got online to talk to him. I thought each time he was going to tell my husband everything each time. So, I told him I couldnt live in fear like that -- that I was going to tell him everything myself. He started crying saying he was only trying to get my attention..that he would never tell my husband anything. He wants me to forgive him...he keeps text messaging me..asking for forgiveness saying he loves me. Now he says hes sick..constantly throwing up because I wont see him anymore. Now what do I do? You need to leave this man alone. he sound very immature,childlish,and sound like a physco. Also he is needy clingy,and a weakling. A real man want do this. You need to run as far away from this man as you can,and don't look back. See what happen when you cheat. it only cause you a lot of problem.
PatientOne Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 First of all, Dolores, I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation. Now that this piece of sh*t OM is calling/texting you, your husband is probably starting to suspect something is wrong. Tell him ASAP. He'll be pissed, but I guarantee it's better than than finding out from the sh*thead about it. And he eventually will. Once you tell him, two things can then happen: 1- You will finally be able to break the hold the OM has on you, and 2- You'll be able to address the underlying problems in your marriage. And then if he calls again at night, you answer, tell him hold on a second, and put your husband on the phone. That should end any further attempts at contact.
mental_traveller Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by Dolores well I did call his bluff....He started calling my home in the middle of the night, hanging up if my husband answered until I got online to talk to him. I thought each time he was going to tell my husband everything each time. So, I told him I couldnt live in fear like that -- that I was going to tell him everything myself. He started crying saying he was only trying to get my attention..that he would never tell my husband anything. He wants me to forgive him...he keeps text messaging me..asking for forgiveness saying he loves me. Now he says hes sick..constantly throwing up because I wont see him anymore. Now what do I do? Very simple - tell him you are calling the police, that you will get them to record your phone and internet communication, and if he ever speaks to you or your husband again then he is going to jail. Then tell your husband that you've done wrong, and hope that he is an understanding and forgiving person.
RowanRavyn Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 If you are truly afraid to tell your husband, I would suggest telling WITH a counselor present (or a pastor or another neutral person). I also want to suggest to you that if you were going and getting online after these phone call hang ups, your husband probably already suspects that something is up, or its some sort of code. I would also suggest keeping a phone log of his phone calls, date, time, etc. I would send him an email and break it off and keep a copy. Then I would call the phone company and have a trace put on your line. THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS! Not only is he manipulative. He is dangerous!!
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