Sudden NC vs. gradual NC and x-mas to spice it all up.

[Universe]

Oh jeez.

 

You're all going to think I'm so wimpy right now. I can hear it now, "Universe is so WEAK!"

 

Ok - so if you've been following my previous threads, you know my sh*t. Together 5 years, broke up for 3 months now, and she started bangin' some older dude (I'm 26, she's 25, he's 37). I went NC right off the bat, improved myself, got my life together, found direction, confidence, self-assurance, and independence before trying to reconcile. Found out she started nailing this guy, freaked out, had a sort of nervous breakdown, recovered, put it all in perspective, realized why she did what she did, understood, forgived, and decided our relationship was still worth salvaging. After two weeks we hung out and had a great time, were very comfortable, it was very warm, very fun, and we enjoyed each other without going into the past. This was repeated once a week for the next three weeks. Gosh I'm going into a lot of detail. Sorry. A good friend of hers, a book called "How to get your lover back", and my own instincts told me that I should try to contimue contact and be there for her in her time of need. I know - I know..."Her time of need? what about your time of need???" But without going into to much detail, she's been through a lot and I understand her confusion and I just love her so much and truly do want for her to be ok and happy no matter what actually happens between us. Truly. I'll be ok if she's happy with someone else as long as she's truly happy. That's how I feel right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll regress and feel childish and hate her for hurting me. Such is the rollercoaster of the brokenhearted psyche.

Anyways- things were going well, but I just got to a point after four weeks of meeting her once a week where my instincts just started telling me it's time for no contact. I started feeling the hurt weigh me down in a way that I did not want her to see me and I did not want to let myself get weighed down. So NC it is...since last thursday. She call on sunday and I didn't see the caller ID and picked it up (otherwise I wouldn't have). She was just telling me she ran into an old drummer I used to play with and was great friends with. My band just lost our drummer and it'd be great to hook back up with this guy. So she called to give me his number. Someone called while she was telling me this. Since I was supposed to be on NC I went ahead and clicked over. Then went back after a quick "Hello...Goodbye." She seemed a little annoyed that I clicked over on her. I was probably imagining it, and if not, what the f*ck ever. Converstation ended quickly. \

Then NC for three days...a very painful but also very constructive 3 days and super important to my development and belief that I have a new lease on life. But it's been quite a ride. Anyways - I figured I wouldn't call her or take her calls again until at least after x-mas. I figured she would call or stop by on x-mas to exchange gifts. I'm definitely not going to initiate that. I have no idea what to get her. So I got a little something that wasn't to overboard or totally useless. But it's only for if she calls or stops by at her own will. She has to initiate everything from now on is basically my policy...at least until she shows me that she is really interested in continuing our "love-bond".

 

Anyways - finally...the point of this post!

 

It wasn't hard to have plans for every night of this week given all the people that happened to have come home this year. But tons of people form my past are here suddenly. It's really strange. So I had planned to be too busy for her if she called.

So tonight - while I was at an old friend's party, she calls. Her message was a little more inviting than in the past, but not too much.

 

At any rate, You all know by now what me question is and I think I know what your answers are...

 

But, should I call her back? I'm definitely not calling her tonight. But tomorrow? I hadn't planned on breaking NC until at least x-mas, and x-mas was only an exception to a longer NC period I had planned. But I actually feel really good right now. I really feel like I have things in perspective. I feel very wise and calm and understanding of her and where we both are in our lives. But I also don't want to be walking into a black hole where it doesn't matter how grounded you are and how calm and wise you are. I feel firm in my focus on my life and myself exclusive of her. I feel firm in my love for her and my understanding of what that means. But it's so soon. It seems like it shoul dhave taken longer for me to feel this way.

 

I guess I know that I should not call her back. But I don't want my NC to be so contrived. I don't want her to feel abondoned (for those who've read my previous threads, she has a serious abondonment complex). I want her to see that I can stand on my own and will move forward with my life with or without her. She knows by now without me telling her that I would prefer it to move forward with her. I want that more than anything. But I don't want my NC to come off as so conscious and planned out...especially during the holidays.

But then again, maybe the holdidays are the best time to really make an ex-lover feel your absence. Everyone hates games. I don't want to play them. And I don't want her to think I'm playing them. Since the break up she always returns my calls and and does so fairly promptly. But I don't call very often either.

 

I'm having a little conflict between sudden NC and gradual NC.

 

And, I guess I'm having trouble distinguishing my instincts from my impulses. I can't tell which is which. I know I should follow my instincts and not my impulses. I just can't tell right now.

 

So - what do you all think? Or has my stupid story just gotten too old and played out for everyone?

[smile]

Maybe I am wrong.. maybe I am too optomistic. Maybe I have seen miracle on 34th street too many times this season.... but I think you should call her.

 

Don't expect too much.. and you seem that in your head you wont. Too bad its the expectations of your heart that you cant control. But you cant control them so dont feel guilty about wanting to say merry christmas. Sure dont call her right away but call her. An ex is an ex but there was still something there and its xmas the greatest excuse for ppl to reach out to eachother.

 

I agree games are dumb. So what if she plays them, you dont have to. Be honest and true and dont mess with someone based upon pride and fear. Just be you and take what you can... but when it gets weird or hurts.. get out.. but to say merry xmas or answer a phone call... just do it.

 

Thats what I have to say... merry christmas !

[Universe]

Thanks, Smile.

 

I read the ebook that someone posted on here today and it said that actively avoiding an ex is indicative of neediness. That seemed about right. It would be obvious if I didn't call her back now of all times. Plus I feel fine about it.

I think I was just worried that she would invite me to hang out with her friends who are in town. I got to be really good friends with her friends through the years. They're great and I'd love to hang out with them. They all like me a lot...or so they lead me to think. But the thing is, I think I want her to hang out with them without me right now. Because if I'm not there, they will surely ask her about me. Like I said, I'm fairly certain they like me and have a high opinion of me in general. If she were to describe my actions since breaking up to them, I think they would look on me favorably and tell her so. At all other times she's with work friends, almost all of whom are male and want to get in her pants. Her gay and female work friends all liked me a lot. But most of her work friends are straight males and she's sortof the hot spring chicken in the office. So I know a lot of the guys there secretly hate me. I never really felt threatened by them.

 

My point is, she's not around the friends who really love her very often and it just so happens that the friends who really love her all seem to like me and appreciate my love for her.

 

I hope I'm not wrong about all this. Could be. I was wrong about a lot of other things in the relationship.

 

So I called her and lucked out. I just got her voice mail and left a short "Just calling to say Hi and return your call. Merry X-mas Eve." And she hasn't called back.

 

I guess I'm also a little anxious because my x-mas present in pretty lame. I'm just horrible at presents and I haven't been in contact with her enough to know what she wants.

 

Anyways - my next real dilemna over this whole thing is that one of her friends (the one I'm closest with, but don't have her number) is in town from another country. I'd really like to hang out with her just because it's been forever and I'm quite fond of her (not attracted to her though). She's the wisest of my ex's friends. So I'd really like for her to be able to talk to me ex without me around. But I'd also like to talk to her without my ex around. But my ex knows that I'd like to hang out with her wise friend while she's in town.

 

So I'm afraid that when my ex finallly gets a hold me, she's going to make plans for me to hang out with her and her friends. It will be hard to lie about an excuse.

 

Nevermind. I'm being ridiculous.

 

I'll be fine. Thanks for your input. I'm not sure how this will all play out. We'll see.

 

sorry for the ranting.

[smile]

I think it makes sense that you want her to hang out with them alone. I mean give her some time to be real with people who really care about her. I don't think you need an excuse. Just say " It's ok, thanks for the invite, I like your friends a lot and all but maybe right now you should just be with your friends.. me being there may make things weird or akward" something like that. I am betting she is a smart girl and she will get it.

 

Its funny what you said about lucking out that you got her voicemail. When I call my ex... I hope he doesnt aswer, in fact sometimes I call when I know he is working so he doesnt answer. Sounds dumb, esp since we are doing so well and everything.. its just a relief when its the voicemail.

 

About the present. Dont worry how lame it is.. she will just be happy you got her something. I am sure you know her well enough to get her something she will love. Anyway its the thought that counts! Dont overthink it. I bought some things for my ex and its funny so much just came and the one thing I wasnt sre he would like just happened to be his favorite movie as a kid. He was stoked.

 

Anyway I hope you have a merry christmas. I agree with the trying to hard thing.. about actively avoiding the ex and stuff. I mean that kind of fake busy-ness can consume too much time and emotion. Just be honest about yourself and the situation.. its funny what the human spirit can take. Love is a crazy thing and just when you think you have it figured out it morphs into something you never thought you could handle.. something you never thought it could be.

 

Be happy..... *****