kels888 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 We've been dating for over 3 years and love each other deeply. Still, I know he googles her name and her business from time to time. When they broke up her career was going nowhere and she wasn't using her degree at all. Fairly recently though, she's started doing really well career-wise doing something she loves doing. The times I've asked him about it he always sounds really bitter towards her. He'll say things like "she's spoiled and self-entitled and hasn't worked a real day in her life" and he'll make fun of the projects she has going on with his friends (who also used know her). I think I once asked him if he was jealous of her and he said it wasn't that he was jealous, but that he was just like mad at himself that he had wasted years of his life with her because she was a "spoiled, selfish btch". This is sad to me though, because why would you still be so bitter about wasting time with an ex if it's been years and you should be over it by now?? Anyway, I think he is way more jealous/bitter of her success than he likes to admit. Could it be because although he's fairly successful himself, he's not 100% happy with his current job even though he's had to struggle/worked harder than her in life? Or could it be something worse like him still having feelings for her? I'm trying to no overanalyze it but I can't help but to feel really uncomfortable, even jealous myself, as I wonder why he's so jealous/bitter of her succesful life if he really has no feelings towards her
CrystalCastles Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Maybe she dumped him and he was, and still is, harbouring some kind of anger at her, and hopes that she won't be happy in life because she made him unhappy.
nescafe1982 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 This may be less about his ex than you think. He may be feeling as though he's been struggling for small gains, or like hes been betrayed, or something... She becomes a stand-in target for whatever negative feeling he's having. There is something wrong if hes so focused on it .. But maybe the issue is that he feels like he is not getting his "fair due," or something. And railing about an ex that he feels didn't earn her successes is a way to express some negative energy.... Without working on whatever is making him unhappy. Humans are naturally stingy about changing the things that make us unhappy. Especially if we're comfortable. Griping about the ex might be a way out of doing the hard work or self improvement.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 kels: First of all, I don't really trust people who talk negatively about their exes because it means there are residual feelings. Second of all, his focus, even obsession with an exes success or lack thereof is really unhealthy because it means he still loves her regardless of what he says. When you are done with a relationship, you feel indifferent especially if you are in long term three year relationship with someone else. Be careful here because he is not over her and is not completely devoted to you if he is obsessing about an ex. Good luck, Grumps 2
anna121 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 What I find odd is the focus on her career. That kind of competitiveness seems strange between ex-partners, unless they used to work together or are in identical careers. To me it says that he's got lots of unresolved issues. Possibly an emotional attachment, but more likely lingering resentment. Whatever - it's unhealthy and the way he's expressing himself is nasty.
Author kels888 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 Thanks for everyone's reply. I'll clarify a few things in the hopes that maybe it'll help.. 1) She is the one who broke up with him. Like a couple of days before his birthday actually. 2) From what he's told me, he doesn't hate her guts to the point of rage, but feels like she doesn't deserve everything she has and he feels stupid for having stuck around for so long. He helped her a big deal both emotionally and academically when they were dating and he feels like she was never grateful about anything and always had this sense of entitlement about her. 3) to anna121: They are actually in extremely similar lines of work and both had/have more of less the same career goals.
veggirl Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I've been with my bf about the same length of time as you with yours. We have NEVER known this much about one anothers exes. Mainly because we are both OVER our exes and so...they don't come up. It's cliche but true, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. He still carries a torch for her. That's why he is so bitter. There is no reason for her to ever really even come up at this point. It seems like you know an awfully lot about her. Have you asked him why he googles her?
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 (edited) 1) She is the one who broke up with him. Like a couple of days before his birthday actually. kels: Her breaking up with him is even worse because he would probably still be with her if he could be. Also, when someone is the dumpee, they have a harder time getting over someone even if they physically have moved on to another person. He may verbalize his disenchantment of her, or his disinterest in her, but actions speak louder than words and if he is still obsessing about her in any way it means he still is stuck on her. Not a great situation for you to be in, kels. However, I would rather know this now than to figure it out after kids and a few more years. Best, Grumps Edited November 16, 2013 by Grumpybutfun
ExpatInItaly Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Yeah, he's still got feelings for her. It's rather obvious.
Recommended Posts