Groovy Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 I am dating this guy who loves sleepovers but we have not had sex. (I know, I am thinking he is trying really hard to sleep with me). He says he's a "boyfriend" and offers to help out on home projects. But it's only been 5 dates. He claims in LTRs he had sex in 3 or less dates. I've known him for a year as friends. I hate this feeling I have despite my comfort and maybe it's because it is too early. Men say they don't judge and then judge women for sex, or say they want to be exclusive and then sleep with you and date others, hell they will even say they love you for a good shag! It's about challenge, getting laid with selfish intentions or whatever. So I feel I am at the point where it's just really hard to trust anyone and I am worried he will sense that. I come from a religious background and was told when I was 6 yrs old if I had sex I'd go to hell. I know it's BS but has made me feel like I am afraid to be close on top of all the other things that go on. Ironically I am very sexual when I am with someone I love, the problem is acheiving that and not roadblocking myself. He knows normally I do not let any guys sleepover and I have intimacy hang ups at age 32. He told me if I can let himn sleepover and get comfortable with him I'll enjoy us. Initially I felt awkward but then really calm with his arm around me and his breath on my neck. But even with that alone I feel a little too close and I guess this is the part I question. I was thinking how much I loved it and then wondered if he'll leave when I get used to it. I feel I take things too seriously and need to make sure I am not doing this to him. I guess I just wish I could get used to dating in current times.
alphamale Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by Groovy But it's only been 5 dates. He claims in LTRs he had sex in 3 or less dates. I've known him for a year as friends. Sounds like you don't have much sexual chemistry or attraction to him. But if I am wrong and you do then you should hold out as long as possible to have sex. Men will bitch and moan about it and try to get you to have sex ASAP but when the dust settles if you hold out he will respect you for it.
Author Groovy Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 I am attracted to him and plan to hold for as much as possible, even though it's ben a 1 1/2 years and I am this horny born again virgin! I do wish though I could let him spend the night at least without feeling weird. People will say he just isn't right for me if I feel that way. People don't know I am 32 and have had 2 nights of sleeping next to a man ever. (That's embarassing). Even my LTR's of a year or so I'd want to sleep alone in bed and have them go their seperate way for a while. I just think I have intimacy issues I need to get over and wonder how everyone else does it.
CurvyGurl Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Groovy, I, too have this odd dilemma. I grew up religous and was given the 'sex is for marriage and you're an evil sinner if you engage in premarital sex'. He's just going to have to understand that this is an issue with you. What you have to realize is that you are a human being, a sexual human being. You do NOT have to have sex before you're ready. Attracted or not, that's a clear choice you have to make with a clear head. So, make this decision standing up, outside of the bedroom, in the middle of the day. Make SURE you're ready, ie birth control and all. Educate yourself. Talk to him. If he's in it for the long haul he'll wait as long as he needs to. As for the sleepovers I'd be uncomfy too. I sense that you're ok with it but you're uncomfortable because you're ok with it... like you feel guitly for not feeling guilty. Is that close? Normal. totally completely absolutely normal. Relax, take your time. Don't let him push you farther than you want to go. Dont' talk yourself out of things you want, don't talk yourself into things you don't want. It's only been 5 dates... you have plenty of time for this to develop! Relax.... and enjoy being with someone!
Author Groovy Posted December 26, 2004 Author Posted December 26, 2004 I think what I hate is I feel dangerously comfortable and know I could land on my ass if I let my guard down too soon. The great thing is he is the most honest man I've ever met. He talks about everything with me. But I think for the first few months I need to be on guard. I mean, he may be this way with everyone. It seems CurvyGirl, that people are just going through the motions, but for me it's emotional. So many people are on their 3rd marraige and don't seem to mind, I play soccor with 3 people I have discovered are swingers and I ended up finding some married co-workers fooling around. I can't even count how many married men have tried to play it off and hit on me. One time I gave myself away on the first date, thinking I could do what everyone else did. I wanted sex with a stranger. A stranger who seemed fabulous on the first date. But I got hurt and realized casual sex is so not me. It has to be special and it takes time to know people. Like you said, this is just the way I am. I know I can't change it. I've decided for the first 2 or 3 months to think of him like a friend and not a "boyfriend" like he says he is. This way I have no expectations. I need to know what he's about and that will take time. Hopefully what I see is real. And though I'd like to go by feelings alone, love is blind. I'll look at facts now and deal with feelings when it's safe! Thanks!
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