Did he choose her? Or is she the second choice?

[Raena]

OK, so my back story is listed under my previous threads...

 

short story is, 11 year relationship, he cheated, I found out about it about a month ago, she's been blasting me and bragging about the relationship on twitter, he finally found a place and moved out today.

 

He has steadily been telling me that he doesn't talk to her and that he wants nothing to do with her. I've been steadily telling him that I can see what she writes on twitter and what she has been saying contradicts what he has been saying.

 

My concern has been that we have a child together and I do not wish for her to be around him... at least not right now, it's too much for our son to have to deal with.

 

After all of the lying and denying, I finally see the truth today. She posted that she is coming up here to live with him and can't wait to have sex with him in their bed in their home. Ok, so now I can stop looking, I saw what I needed to see.

 

The real point of this thread is this...

 

My best friend and I were discussing this situation and she keeps insisting that the "OW" is his second choice. That he can't stand to be alone and since I told him he had to move out, that she's his second choice. She's getting him by default so to speak.

 

I think that he planned this all along. I think he decided he'd rather be with her and that if he told me that he cheated, that I would kick him out and he could then blame me for it. Which is exactly what he is doing. He told me "you wouldn't just leave it alone and now it is what it is, so I'm just trying to move on to the next chapter of my life" I'm not sure what he meant by that. Especially since he keeps telling me that she isn't going to be living with him.

 

All I know is... I'm sitting here, alone... can't get out of the house and go anywhere because I have to take care of our son... while he is busy sleeping with another woman... who is bragging about it online and thinks it's funny to make fun of me... calling me a fat cow and so on.

 

I need to get out of the house! But... I have nowhere to go. He chased off all of my friends, except a few that live far away. I could probably send my son over to my mom's for the night, get out and have some fun, but I'm not even sure what I would do with myself.

 

Anyhow... now the truth is out... he is in fact moving in with her... so.... how the heck do I just sit here with nothing to do?

 

And really.... does it matter if she is his first or second choice?

 

I need to get ON with my life!

[RightThere]

And really.... does it matter if she is his first or second choice?

 

I need to get ON with my life!

 

It doesn't matter. The details are irrelevant.

 

He is out of your life and you should be thankful. As for what you should do? I'm in a similar situation. Wife cheated, sending her packing, but most of "our" friends are really "her" friends. So I'm just out doing activities with my daughter. Park, rec. pool, play centres, shopping, etc.

 

And when it's my time alone, I joined some solo activities. Going to the gym, a yoga class. I just get out. I'm not making any friends yet, but I'm out there, and there are people where I go. I figure something is bound to happen more likely than if I were to stay at home.

 

Get out for some time with yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Might I suggest finding hobbies other than checking her twitter or wondering what they're up to.

 

Meet-ups, get your hair done, read some books, build toys with your son.

 

I can fill a week of activities with my daughter. And it's fun too. It's much more fun looking after your child than an overgrown man-child.

 

You find something else that fills that void in the routine.

[whichwayisup]

Forget her, anybody who tweets stuff like that has issues. Who does that? Sickening.

 

Focus on your kids and real friends, ones that didn't allow your (ex)h to scare them away. Hey, if they listened to him and abandoned you, they were not your friends to begin with.

 

I say, pack the kids up and go to your moms for the weekend. Go for spa day by yourself and enjoy. Go shopping, get a new haircut, do stuff that is ALL ABOUT YOU.

 

Your (ex) H and his OW, pathetic pair that they are, won't last. If they do, they are two peas in a pod and deserve one another and you're better off without him. He isn't the man you fell in love with years ago and he certainly turned out to be a toad!

[bentleychic]

I'm an OW and her actions make me sick. She's obviously reveling in trying to rub it in your face and it's disgusting.

 

I would suggest trying to get outside of your comfort zone, maybe make some new friends. Some co-workers have suggested that meetup.com have some interesting things and they've had success with it. Might now be a bad idea to check out! I HATE doing things alone and am awkward in new situations where I don't know people so I'm still throwing the idea around myself.

 

Good luck!

[ChooseTruth]

If he was lying to you the whole time...then it hardly matters. He gave you no choice, especially if OW gets the truth and you don't. Who does that say he chose? It really says something if he chooses a woman like what you've described even in 10th place .

 

What do you do with yourself? Give yourself time to grieve? or get angry and take some actions to protect yourself? Make no doubt about it, this is crazy time...and you're gonna feel that way for a while. Might as well accept that. It sucks...but it will pass gradually. Take care of yourself. Find your good friends\family for support. You don't need a liar, that will REALLY make you go crazy. It's the worst poison you can take, and things won't start to get better until he's gone.

[compulsivedancer]

You're right, doesn't really matter. Could be either.

 

Could be both. There are a lot if conflicting thoughts and feelings when you're a WS. One minute you want one thing, the next minute you want the other. A large part of why WSs end up where they do is because they don't know WHAT they want, and they convince themselves they can have it all: the spouse that knows them and loves them and they want to be with long-term and the fling that they can have a bunch of "firsts" with again, and act like a sex-starved teenager with.

 

Stop beating yourself up and focusing on him and the OW. Work on you, on figuring out who you are without him and becoming a stronger person, and if he comes to his senses and wants you back, make him SHOW you how much he wants you. Make him work for it. (Or don't take him back - your choice). And if he never does, you'll be strong enough to find a better man that'll give you what you deserve.

[lifelesson101]

Her behavior is absolutely deplorable! I was involved with a MM - and I am not proud of it. Our relationship ended abruptly and not one negative word was ever spoken about the respective spouses. They were not at fault, we were! Period. The fact that she is doing this publicly indicates she has some mental health concerns. Good riddance to both if them.

 

By the way . . . If she continues to slander you publicly, seek legal advice.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I think that he planned this all along. I think he decided he'd rather be with her and that if he told me that he cheated, that I would kick him out and he could then blame me for it. Which is exactly what he is doing. He told me "you wouldn't just leave it alone and now it is what it is, so I'm just trying to move on to the next chapter of my life" I'm not sure what he meant by that. Especially since he keeps telling me that she isn't going to be living with him.

 

 

The critical stuff might be included elsewhere, but I'm not searching for it.

 

The step-by-step relating to how the OW fit into his world, and whether you were likely to find out via other means, is critical to our answering your main question.

 

LOTS OF PEOPLE are too gutless to (declare themselves out of a relationship, and "alone" )... so they cheat, and then anticipate their mate initiating the break-up that they were too gutless to initiate on their own.

 

In brief, you may very well be right, but it is his weakness, and not his cunning 'planning' that came under the light here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Gawd. I wouldn't want to be either his first or second choice.

Look at how he treats his choices. Like a pig at the trough.

[RightThere]

LOTS OF PEOPLE are too gutless to (declare themselves out of a relationship, and "alone" )... so they cheat, and then anticipate their mate initiating the break-up that they were too gutless to initiate on their own.

 

Re-quoted based on pure awesomeness.

[Eggplant]

This woman is nasty. She doesn't give a **** about your son. She's publically trashing his mother, while she is the one acting like trash, destroying a family, sleeping with a married man. Just know this -- your husband is getting exactly what he deserves. He'll find out too late.

[Raena]

You are ALL right. Every single response is absolutely perfect! Thanks for the advice!

 

I think it's just me sitting here in this house tonight... that's driving me nuts a little bit. I kind of want to go out, kick my mommy shoes off and go crazy dancing and having fun with my girlfriends like I used to do before I became a mom. Problem is... all those girlfriends either ran off because of his insanity or live so far away that I can't hang out with them, or are co-workers who also have children and can't go hang out on the town anymore either. I just don't want to be that pathetic girl sitting at home doing nothing anymore... especially not tonight. Tonight I want to go celebrate. If my best girlfriend were here, that's probably exactly what I would be doing. Instead, I'll have to just sit and chat with her on the phone for hours tonight.

 

I was thinking to myself a little bit ago... you know? what have I been doing the last 6 years as a mom on a Friday night? Absolutely NOTHING! I mean, I stay home, I play on the internet, I watch TV, I play online games with other people, read books, clean the house... it isn't really nothing, but I was perfectly content to sit here while he was at work.

 

Now I suddenly want to get OUT. I'm FREE!

 

Really, I do feel a little pinch thinking about him... can't help that. But the reality is... I'm FREE! I can do what I want, when I want, how I want... all after I take care of my son's needs of course.

 

I posted on my FB page for ideas of fun things to do... and guess what... tons of people responded with some great ideas and I even got an invite to join up with an old high school friend and her kids tomorrow. I think I'm going to take my son to the pool tomorrow, then for a walk in the woods with our dog and who knows what after that. Point is... I'm not going to just sit around doing nothing waiting on HIM anymore!

 

I'm done with his rubbish. He isn't worth wasting my time on anymore.

[Raena]

The critical stuff might be included elsewhere, but I'm not searching for it.

 

The step-by-step relating to how the OW fit into his world, and whether you were likely to find out via other means, is critical to our answering your main question.

 

LOTS OF PEOPLE are too gutless to (declare themselves out of a relationship, and "alone" )... so they cheat, and then anticipate their mate initiating the break-up that they were too gutless to initiate on their own.

 

In brief, you may very well be right, but it is his weakness, and not his cunning 'planning' that came under the light here.

 

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter what the backstory is... your "gutless" theory is right on the mark. He is gutless and afraid to be alone so he finds a new toy before throwing away the old one he is bored with... I'm sure he'd like to put this old toy on the shelf in the hopes that when the new one breaks he can come back and play again, but that isn't going to happen. This old boring toy is going to walk jauntily off the shelf and go be happy elsewhere.

[Raena]

Might I suggest finding hobbies other than checking her twitter or wondering what they're up to.

 

I hear ya... I had to look once just to see what drivel she would come up with tonight... just because she made comments about she is going to let it all hang out after he moves out. Like as if waiting until after he moves out really makes any difference, she said enough crap beforehand. I needed to see if she was in fact coming here, or if he was telling the truth.

 

But... I'm already over it. No need to look any further. I mean really, why torture myself with her ... what's the word... filthy, disgusting, immoral, nonsense, drivel... or any other choice word to describe her tweets. She is a white trash whore and I've seen enough to know that I don't want her around my child.

 

In the meantime... I have friends who will check it once in a while just to see if there is anything I can use to either take legal action against her or to use in court as a means to explain why he shouldn't allow her around our child.

 

No more for me.... never looking again. Not worth my time. I'll just come here and gripe about it if I ever feel the need to look again.

[bentleychic]

Really, I do feel a little pinch thinking about him... can't help that.

 

It's understandable and warranted. You loved him. Well, you loved who you THOUGHT he was. It's totally understandable to miss and feel a pang over the man that you once thought he was. When I finally left my abusive exH, I cried. Not b/c I missed HIM, but I was sad over how our marriage and life SHOULD have gone if he'd been who I thought he was.

 

Now go take those friend's advice and get out there and have fun!

Edited November 16, 2013 by bentleychic

[harrybrown]

Sorry that your H treated you horribly. Glad that you are starting to move on.

 

Do the 180 to get them both out of your life. Do not follow them, or respond to them, unless about the divorce or your son. I hope he is paying support and alimony.

 

They deserve each other. You are a much better person and woman than the OW. You should know that from her cheating and her twitter.

 

There is someone out there for you someday. If you have a way to exercise, that is what helps me the most. It sometimes makes me feel better about myself. Others like shopping, but I am not much at shopping.

 

When you H cheated and when he did not stop twisting the knife in your back, and show any remorse, you know that you are better off without him.

 

All he gave you was the t-shirt with the holes and blood stains from twisting the knife in your back.

 

I hope in your next relationship that you get a much better t-shirt, like goddess divine or whatever they said at the end of the pride and pred movie with Mr. Darcy. I did finally figure out that why they always called him, Mr. Darcy. His first name was something like Fitzwilliam. That would not go over big.

 

Exercise and watch a movie that you like. One about getting revenge is the count of monte christo. I like that now, about getting revenge. maybe someday.

[experiencethedevine]

Please ignore both of them. when your rise to the bait they throw out for you, you simply give them more ammunition.

 

Don't degrade yourself by looking to see what she has to say about you. What she says about you matters not one jot.

 

What she says about you for all others to see says more about the sort of filthy lizard she really is. People will see it.

 

Everyone will look at the two of them walking down the street together and snigger behind THEIR backs because they will all KNOW that they are vile.

 

You don't know it right now sweet, but one day, a couple of years from now when you and your children are happy, healthy, and you are in love with a wonderful man who treats you like you're the only woman on the planet, you will hear that your twat of an ex husband has hooked up with another tart and left the one he left you for screaming,ranting and raving that he is FILTH!

 

THAT'S when you will know that all the anguish, pain and sadness you feel right now was over the biggest mistake you ever made, and when that mistake comes looking to you for forgiveness, you simply tell him to f-u-c-k off!

 

Don't EVER give either of them the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt you as badly as they have. Say nothing, smile, and walk the other way with your head held high.

.

Edited November 16, 2013 by experiencethedevine

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are ALL right. Every single response is absolutely perfect! Thanks for the advice!

 

I think it's just me sitting here in this house tonight... that's driving me nuts a little bit. I kind of want to go out, kick my mommy shoes off and go crazy dancing and having fun with my girlfriends like I used to do before I became a mom. Problem is... all those girlfriends either ran off because of his insanity or live so far away that I can't hang out with them, or are co-workers who also have children and can't go hang out on the town anymore either. I just don't want to be that pathetic girl sitting at home doing nothing anymore... especially not tonight. Tonight I want to go celebrate. If my best girlfriend were here, that's probably exactly what I would be doing. Instead, I'll have to just sit and chat with her on the phone for hours tonight.

 

I was thinking to myself a little bit ago... you know? what have I been doing the last 6 years as a mom on a Friday night? Absolutely NOTHING! I mean, I stay home, I play on the internet, I watch TV, I play online games with other people, read books, clean the house... it isn't really nothing, but I was perfectly content to sit here while he was at work.

 

Now I suddenly want to get OUT. I'm FREE!

 

Really, I do feel a little pinch thinking about him... can't help that. But the reality is... I'm FREE! I can do what I want, when I want, how I want... all after I take care of my son's needs of course.

 

 

This is all very much the mark of someone who is successfully putting the ducks in a row which are needed to effectively reduce the "(emotional) investment" she had/has in the departed partner.

 

By no means is it that easy, because you would be flawed, too, were you not still feeling/showing some regard for what was really/always your OWN investment IN him (which is a far cry from "him" the individual).

 

Some of that impulse to get up, get out, and be free is reflective of the urge to keep investing somewhere - even if only in little bits toward nearby targets. Having such an urge is far more healthy than to be the one so stalled by the break-up that she won't dare to risk again during the foreseeable future.

 

I know ya like to think that he gave you all of those orgasms from long ago, as might that little mermaid-ish figure, with the wand, near the beginning of a Disney cartoon... but nearer to reality would be your having worked at positioning yourself so as to take maximum advantage/pleasure from anticipating/predicting/trusting where his body would BE, and then (being right).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

(continued, sorta)

 

 

... so, in brief, YOU were far more significant to your own satisfaction and contentment than you likely tended to perceive in the moment (when it was so easy to {want to} give "HIM" credit for that instead).

 

That understanding is most critical to doing the best, quickest, and most healthy job of putting such a relationship behind you and, eventually, to merely being open to the intro of someone new, in due time.