curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I am hoping to get some insights here - I have no idea where else to turn. I have been seeing my b/f for a little over 6 months. Although neither of us are really "players" I have to admit the relationship started out as very physical - in fact we met on a very raunch sex site, although neither one of us truly belonged there. In the ensuing months the relationship has developed very nicely. We share common interests and have a lot of fun together - regardless of what we do, even the laundry, we enjoy the time. The ONLY issue I have is that the physical side of the relationship stopped a little over 2 months ago - probably longer, in October we only had sex after I asked about it. When I asked his answer was that our relationship had become far more than sex. While this is a very nice thing to hear - it really does not answer the question. I truly enjoy being with this man - and can even envision a life with him - however IMO sex is a very important component of an adult relationship. Of late I have raised the issue more frequently. He typically says we will have sex the next time we see eachother - but we don't! At this point I am feeling that he has lost interest, which he denies. He continues to be very affectionate - kisses, hugs, holds hands, etc. - but that's it. He is away through the holidays - at this point I am thinking I need to end the relationship before I get more deeply attached - but I am very reluctant to do so. It has been a very long time since I have felt this way about anyone (if ever). However I have no interest in turning into a nag on this or any other topic. Hence my dilemma - would really appreciate any insights you kind folks could provide.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 He said himself that it had 'moved beyond sex'. He may have some problems with intimacy, where he has trouble reconciling sex and love in the same relationship. The closer a person of this type becomes with you emotionally, the more they will withdraw sexually. They can only experience sexual pleasure if it is divorced from emotion. It is a very strange catch-22: they can't love someone they are having sex with and cannot have sex with someone they love. It is generally tied to some sort of trauma - either some problems between parent and child, or a traumatic sexual experience at an early age. Its the Madonna/Whore complex. ... or Some people are just 'low sex drive' people. They will go at it like crazy in the beginning, but as they become more comfortable with you and pass out of the beginning stages of the relationship they will relax into the habits and ways that they are in general. ...or It could be physical as well - maybe some messed up hormonal levels or whatnot. Whatever it is - whether its a case of above, or if its something simple (he's seeing someone else) - you two will need to talk about it. Let him know how it makes you feel. If he isn't seeing someone else, ask him about his past relationships. Were they all primarily sexual and ended early on? Has he always had a fairly low sex drive? Does he think he has a problem? My guess is that he has a Madonna/Whore complex. If that's the case, then it will take some therapeutic intervention to work out.
zilverenvlinder Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 That's happened to me too! Your not alone. Every day for two weeks and then kapow. "let's just go to sleep." Grr! I know how it feels!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 While its nice to know I'm not alone, I wish we were both getting what we need. what are you doing about it? I appreciate all your various options/inputs Lucrezia - I was planning on breaking it off with him early January - hoping he would ask what it will take to stay together and then suggesting he see my therapist. Not sure if that will work and I don't want to be harsh - he really is a great guy. Challenge is he is ALL guy - he just won't open up! Won't discuss it with me, etc. Perhaps I will try to further discuss before I give the ultimatum or throw in the towel. Total PHOOEY!
VirginiaBob Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Yes, go for the ultimatum. Manipulate him in with your crooked techniques. Say, "Do this, or else...". That'll show him. Wow, you women really are evil.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 ViginiaBob that is really unfair! I have never been anything less than honest with him - frankly by not talking he is the one being dishonest. The reality of the situation is that he is talking about marriage and I feel we have a very significant issue. Either we resolve this problem or we are not going to be able to move forward - which would be hurtful to both of us. We are both mature adults (39 and 48) - I for one have no interest in wasting years on a relationship that cannot go anywhere, and neither does he. Hmmm you really must have been burned, huh?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by curiousnycgirl The reality of the situation is that he is talking about marriage and I feel we have a very significant issue. That you do. I hope that you can talk him into some couples counseling before that happens. Sometimes an objective third party can help bring things out into the open and help people understand things about themselves and their relationship that they would ordinarily take for granted.
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