I cannot afford to date my boyfriend much longer

[anna121]

There is nothing worse than a stingy person. Someone who counts every penny and keeps a tally.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he really cares about you. How long have you been going out?

[Locust]

If he doesn't want to chip in then be like oh well. He is a engineer those guy make good. Sound like he is stingy, which is not good when come to having kids. That would mean he would be like I bought diapers last time now its your turn or baby have no diapers. That is what I sort of see here, and I realize that is not the issue here. However, he is showing major signs of being stingy. If I want one of my friends to come with me somewhere, I would tell her catch the train here and I will pay for your round trip fare. She has no problem with it. My friends do it for me too when I'm a bit low. He sound like a cheapskate to me.

[Locust]

Sure. Yeah, my parents are superrrrrr generous, always doing stuff that people couldnt even believe, so I am actually more fussy, if anything.... I am way too harsh on people if they are not super generous:lmao:

 

I shout people and like to be shouted. I pick people up and drop them off if need be and don't expect anything but them to be grateful.

When my mates are in trouble, I will happily drive an hour to pick them up if the need a place to stay.

 

I do not for a second think that just because a guy sweet talks you, that he is a nice person:sick:

Is that what you mean when you say girls sometimes have low standards as to what being "nice" actually constitutes?

 

I strongly prefer MEN who are like me, and spoil me. I do nice things for them enough for them to feel special also, but prefer them to spoil me with the bill.

One guy said " oh crap, I am not getting paid until Mon, can we hang then (he is a student on government grants).

He said: " I don't like to take a girl out unless I can pay, so I would prefer to wait until Monday, so I can shout you the movie ticks and stuff:)"

 

THAT is the sort of guy I prefer.

 

I bet the OP prefers this sort of a man, too. MOST women do, deep down.

 

 

I really think my ex is a good person... He has a big heart, he really does.

He still checks in on me and cares about me very much, he has a lot of empathy for other people and gets very afflicted when people he cares about are hurt.

 

His father ws selfish in nature and brought new women home often, where as my parents were VERY generous with teir money and time for others.

I have turned out generous, where as he has turned out a little more selfish in nature. Perhaps parants play a large part?

 

I wonder if the OP'S boyfriend had stingly parents?

 

Here is a sexual example. I am using it, as I think money and sex and the correlation to men and their generosity in these two areas, are closely linked:

 

He is just selfish when it comes to the bedroom, and even then he was willing to please me and enjoy it - which he did, it just went against his NATURE, he much PREFERS to lay back and get pleasure.

Yeah, so he didn't enjoy _____, but knew it was a deal breaker for me, so he immediately said he would do it to me and learn to like it.

Which he did. Just not enough as the guys I have had since him who were obsessed with it.

He still agreed to do it and learn to like it, because he cared about me.

 

...............................................

 

If my JERK ex had a good enough heart to TRY HIS BEST to go AGSINST his selfish nature, then why can't the OP'S guy suck it up, and think:

 

" hmm well, I value this woman and I am in love with her, and I want to make her happy. Maybe I will part with slightly more cash than I am comfortable with, since she needs it to feel special and loved, in addition to other things of course"

 

 

I would treat people but sure won't spoil them. People need to learn how to learn how to earn their own stuff in life. No princess here.

[KatZee]

OP you lost me at:

 

"He told me to dip into my savings so we could go out more" and

"I spent so much money because of him and was forced to eat canned food because I couldn't afford groceries."

 

 

Not only is he selfish and inconsiderate to you, those two words have been beaten to death here, but he's IMMATURE and IRRESPONSIBLE.

 

No one, scratch that, no mature, and SMART person would spent money from savings on stupid pointless s.hit. Savings account is for emergencies and a rainy day fund. I lost my job over 4 months ago and honestly the only thing that saved my a.ss was my savings account. If I didn't have that cash I would have been out on my ass, evicted, no food, no car, nothing. And I'd be damned if I'm ever in a position where I'm in trouble and I have no money all because some rigid, tight wad douche canoe tells me to spend my savings money so we can go to a club.

 

Your boyfriend has no clue what priorities are, and if he does know what priorities are, his are ALL sorts of f.ucked up.

 

Secondly, you're not a golddigger and the fact that he projects his hateful and ignorant attitude onto you is unfair and frankly insulting to you.

 

If he wants to go out and spend money, he can do so on his own dime, or he can go alone. NEVER sacrifice yourself so much that you're struggling while watching him wine and dine himself and live up his whole life.

 

I wouldn't spend one more PENNY doing things with this moron. Oh, and dump him. He absolutely does not have any qualities about him that would make a relationship last long term.

[ryleigh]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I've already expressed to him many times that I keep a budget. He knows I am broke. Starting 2 months ago I told him "I have X amount of dollars to spend this month for entertainment."Thats when he said "If its that bad maybe you should dip into your savings" I guess it is my fault for letting him guilt trip me or manipulate me after he makes several comments about our dates. I give in after he does it a few times.

 

I also cook for him frequently. Granted, he often buys the majority of the ingredients but he cant cook at all so I do it almost every weekend for us and he keeps the leftovers. I try to do this as much as I can so we don't have to go out as much.

 

He actually is not selfish in bed. But his dad I think is stingy with money.

 

I think I am going to have one more talk with him and if he continues to do this, dump him.

 

He is 26 and I am 25 turning 26 soon. We've been dating about 14 months officially. I am his first "official" girlfriend and he brought up marriage for the first time this week. I don't know about another girl screwing him over, maybe dating wise some did it.

Edited November 17, 2013 by ryleigh

[Versacehottie]

I think based on what you have expressed I would definitely move on--or at very least give it a break and see what happens. It sounds like you both have different views on money and THAT can be one of the biggest issues in a marriage. In other words, the issue you are having may be bigger than just current circumstances: it may be unsurmountable or at least a major continually source of conflict.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My boyfriend has a college degree and is an engineer.

I have a Masters degree and work in an underpaid field (which I love too by the way).

 

When my bf and I first started dating, I had just gotten out of graduate school, gotten my current job and had moved back home with my parents. They did not force me to pay for anything and my student loans hadn’t started yet, so I had a lot of extra money.

 

My boyfriend makes nearly 3 times more than me. He moved up quickly in his field. My job doesn’t pay super well, but I really like the job, the benefits are excellent and I will get raises in the future, my first one starting in 4 months but it wont be a huge raise. I could look for a better paying job but I need to stay at my current job for a few years to build experience before I do that. Also, my field is underpaid so I wont be able to get one that much better paying anyway

 

My boyfriend likes to go out and do things and I do too. Its one of the things I do like about him. However, when I moved out 5 months ago (after being home for around 8 months) that really cut down on how much I can go out and spend money. I cannot be constantly going to concerts, high priced museums, restaurants, etc. Even with my roommate and living frugally, I don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend. I do have some savings, but Im saving it all for a new car because my current one is about to die and without that savings, I wont be able to afford a new one.

 

I have told my boyfriend this, that my budget isn’t the same now that I have moved out. He says he understands but after a week or two of not going out and spending money as much as he wants, he gets ancy and starts suggesting more expensive dates. I have gone to parks with him, free museums, we’ve watched movies, had game nights but he’d rather go out more than stay in. He always suggests places that cost money and a few times he said I should start dipping into my savings if I am that poor

 

Last month I still ending up spending too much because of him and didn’t have enough money to buy a full months worth of groceries this month. It’s the only aspect in my life I can cut down on (I’m already a coupon user too) so I have been eating a ton of canned vegetables for meals since the 1st of this month because I have no money left for food.

 

I pay for myself on our dates (have since after date 4 or so). I don’t think a guy should pay for me. He is adamant girls who expect men to pay for them are freeloaders and golddiggers, which is the attitude I find of most men today anyway. I get it- but I cannot afford him anymore and its nothing about being a golddigger. Before I moved out, I even treated him to a few things since he paid in the beginning.

 

I told him if he wont tolerate me putting my foot down about more moneyless dates, he needs to pay for me if he wants to do something. He doesn’t want to do it. Yet, he complains if we have too many moneyless or staying in dates.

 

Im starting to get frustrated and think about dumping him so I am less financially stressed and dont have to constantly worry about not meeting my budget because he wont pay for a few of our dates nor will he go on many moneyless dates. I don’t have cable, I don’t have a smartphone. I do live in an area that is pretty high with standards of living, but I cant move as of right now. I havent bought myself new clothes or makeup since I have moved out 5 months ago. I am currently doing income based on my student loans. I really cannot get any more frugal.

 

 

 

A bunch of fair concerns and conundrums indeed.

 

First of all, you should not in any way "dig into your savings" merely for dating him. If he wants to upgrade on date expense, then that should be all on-him.

 

Particularly since, from now on, you are not going to invite him on pricey dates.

 

(and the rule remains: "whoever extended the invitation pays for the date" )

 

 

However, you yourself aren't exactly being fair either, in that, should you two get married at some point, what's yours will be his, and what's his will be yours... and then, even if you're pauper, you will have to need to start living the role of someone on equal financial footing as he is then, no matter what that is.

 

So, as one of the theories of relationships and dating is to simulate marriage, you should have it within your capabilities to let/(make) him pay your way IF he is going to insist on these high-falutin' social outings.

[ja123]

omg don't get married to him ... run!

 

He's not a "real" man, he wants the "dressing" to call himself one, but he isn't.

 

He wants the authority, but won't take the responsibility.

 

You're still young ... run!

[Mascara]

OP if he's talking about marriage, there are a few things you need to establish.

 

When you live together, is he expecting you to pay half of everything? Housing, utilities etc?

 

If you plan to have children, will he expect you to return to work immediately after?

 

If he accepts that you will want to take time out to raise the children, even for a little while, will he expect to keep control of the finances, dishing the money out as and when you ask for it? Will you need to explain every little amount of money you ask for? Will you be allowed to ever just treat yourself?

 

Will he expect to make all the major decisions that involve money if you're not contributing half (or even anything if you're at home with the kids) - eg where you live, holidays, cars etc.

[nomadic_butterfly]

A bunch of fair concerns and conundrums indeed.

 

First of all, you should not in any way "dig into your savings" merely for dating him. If he wants to upgrade on date expense, then that should be all on-him.

 

Particularly since, from now on, you are not going to invite him on pricey dates.

 

(and the rule remains: "whoever extended the invitation pays for the date" )

 

 

However, you yourself aren't exactly being fair either, in that, should you two get married at some point, what's yours will be his, and what's his will be yours... and then, even if you're pauper, you will have to need to start living the role of someone on equal financial footing as he is then, no matter what that is.

 

So, as one of the theories of relationships and dating is to simulate marriage, you should have it within your capabilities to let/(make) him pay your way IF he is going to insist on these high-falutin' social outings.

 

One of the hardest things to grasp LOGICALLY is that he is an engineer so being pragmatic should be relatively easy, why he can't compromise? Maybe one expensive place a month and go crazy ON HIS OWN or WITH HIS FRIENDS who are on the same financial plane to go expensive places with him on his own time. He is cold and detached from her circumstance and clearly lacks any level of empathy and sympathy. You would think as someone who is trying to "avoid being ripped off" he would avoid RIPPING OFF HER SAVINGS just to tickle his fancy with frivolous, inconsequential extracurriculars.

 

For someone so "financially aware" he is still absolutely insensitive. I wonder how the OP parents would feel about this. I would not be pleased at all. He not only proved he is incapable of being a provider but he has no respect for her situation and probably of those less fortunate than him. Marrying him would be the worst mistake of her life. If she is struggling now, imagine how much more when children are in the mix! Tit for tat cheapskates can exit left for me. I would be darned if I EVER TOUCH MY SAVINGS for any man besides my husband, father, or child ESPECIALLY when I AM STRUGGLING AND IN DEBT. YEA RIGHT. If I always went dutch, that would be a complete turn off. If we want to be "modern" fine; you pay some times for the expensive places you like and can afford, and I take you sometimes to the less expensive places within my budget. A natural flow verses a calculated weekly tally. He has no sense of team work. Might as well get FWB and cut the the chase and not have to live off canned foods.

[Leigh 87]

Normadic - My mother would be mortfified if I settled for a guy who didn't look after me.

 

Yes I do want my own career and I AM going to do my best to be able to support myself.

 

I am not asking for a guy to take care of me, in place of ME working hard for a living.

 

But look, my mum tells me that she would LOVE it if I met a lovely guy who does choose to spoil me.

 

As in: In Leigh land, that means; he pays for most dates, buys me random nice gifts AND I DO NICE THINGS FOR HIM, TO, to reciprocate.

[d0nnivain]

He is 26 and I am 25 turning 26 soon. We've been dating about 14 months officially. I am his first "official" girlfriend and he brought up marriage for the first time this week.

 

What's your marriage going to look like? Money is the #1 cause of divorce. Is he going to want to buy a house that he can afford but is out of your price range then demand that you pay half the mortgage? I don't think you should seriously think about marrying this man unless he pays for some dates.

[soccerrprp]

Someone suggested giving it a break. I don't think this is going to matter. I have a feeling that this is what he is. He may change for a period of time to appease, but soon after, he will regress to his old habits, ways, propensities towards money.

 

OP, this guy shows little or no signs that he is going to be reasonable, flexible or considerate of financial matters that would affect you.

[BlueIvy]

I didn't read all the replies but I think you should dump him.

 

It's not a matter of you being frugal and him having a champagne taste, it's a matter of him being extremely selfish and not caring about your welfare.

 

Here you are struggling to eat, to pay your bills, trying to save for a car and he still insists on going to expensive places but doesn't offer or even want to pay the tab?

 

You are obviously not a gold digger because you have been paying for everything.

And you tried to COMPROMISE (which you shouldn't even be doing)by saying let's do less expensive dates and he refuses to do so, knowing your money situation. That shows a disregard for yo well being, which means he doesn't really care about you.

 

It would be nice since he makes 3x as much, which I will assume as an engineer he makes 6 figures, to help you out once in awhile with groceries or something. But I mean he can't even pay for dates?? I know if a loved one was suffering and I was in a position to help, I would help them out when I can...

 

He showed you who he is, he won't change so dump him. It doesn't make you a messed up person for wanting someone who cares about you.

[BlueIvy]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I've already expressed to him many times that I keep a budget. He knows I am broke. Starting 2 months ago I told him "I have X amount of dollars to spend this month for entertainment."Thats when he said "If its that bad maybe you should dip into your savings" I guess it is my fault for letting him guilt trip me or manipulate me after he makes several comments about our dates. I give in after he does it a few times.

 

I also cook for him frequently. Granted, he often buys the majority of the ingredients but he cant cook at all so I do it almost every weekend for us and he keeps the leftovers. I try to do this as much as I can so we don't have to go out as much.

 

He actually is not selfish in bed. But his dad I think is stingy with money.

 

I think I am going to have one more talk with him and if he continues to do this, dump him.

 

He is 26 and I am 25 turning 26 soon. We've been dating about 14 months officially. I am his first "official" girlfriend and he brought up marriage for the first time this week. I don't know about another girl screwing him over, maybe dating wise some did it.

 

Again, dump him. Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't care about you. And yes, he doesn't care about you because he sees you struggling and disregarded your feelings and your lack of income.

 

If you get married with him, it will be way worse, especially if kids are involved.

 

I don't think he cares about you... Why stay just to suffer?? What does he bring into the relationship? Don't you deserve better?

Edited November 17, 2013 by BlueIvy

[soccerrprp]

I love my dog more than I love some people. I celebrate it, too. Yes, even some family members that I've never been close to.

 

Eowyn,

 

I am not knocking your affection for your pet more than another human being. I understand. I simply believe that it is sad that people are at this point. I hear you. Some people are just awful and your pet gives you more satisfaction than another human being. I get it. But, your affection for your pet doesn't make you a good person. Goodness, far from it.

 

OP, find someone supportive and understanding.

Edited November 17, 2013 by soccerrprp

[soccerrprp]

I don't find it sad. I love my immediate family more, but my distant relatives? No. I see my pets every day, they've been there for me through a lot, and it's really nothing to do with other people being awful. It's to do with the fact that I just happen to value my dog's company more than that of my cousins, for example-no offense to them.

 

I think being capable of extending kindness, affection and love for another living creature without expecting anything in return for it is a sign of goodness. I don't think it's the making of a good person, but it's a factor. IMHO>

 

Okay, we're hijacking the thread. I can spend quite bit of time being the devil's advocate about this. The relativist attitude that most animal lovers have and what not.

 

I have nothing against people who love their dogs and cats. Only their selective extension of affection and care that is prevalent....enough of this.

[serialgf]

i don't know if this has been suggested, because i only read a couple of pages of this thread but OP, if i were you, i would suggest the following compromise given the large discrepancy in incomes, and, like you, i also insist on paying my way:

 

what if rather than each paying half of each date, you alternate paying for the entire date, and you pick the place that you have the date you respectively pay for. that way, you can have half your dates at expensive places that he chooses, and half your dates at less expensive places that you choose.

 

good luck!

[Purepony]

He sounds like a scum bag who lives paycheck to paycheck!

Drop the loser if he wont compromise this early because it's only going to get worse down the line! Plus it shows how irresponsible he is financially!