I cannot afford to date my boyfriend much longer

[ryleigh]

My boyfriend has a college degree and is an engineer.

I have a Masters degree and work in an underpaid field (which I love too by the way).

 

When my bf and I first started dating, I had just gotten out of graduate school, gotten my current job and had moved back home with my parents. They did not force me to pay for anything and my student loans hadn’t started yet, so I had a lot of extra money.

 

My boyfriend makes nearly 3 times more than me. He moved up quickly in his field. My job doesn’t pay super well, but I really like the job, the benefits are excellent and I will get raises in the future, my first one starting in 4 months but it wont be a huge raise. I could look for a better paying job but I need to stay at my current job for a few years to build experience before I do that. Also, my field is underpaid so I wont be able to get one that much better paying anyway

 

My boyfriend likes to go out and do things and I do too. Its one of the things I do like about him. However, when I moved out 5 months ago (after being home for around 8 months) that really cut down on how much I can go out and spend money. I cannot be constantly going to concerts, high priced museums, restaurants, etc. Even with my roommate and living frugally, I don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend. I do have some savings, but Im saving it all for a new car because my current one is about to die and without that savings, I wont be able to afford a new one.

 

I have told my boyfriend this, that my budget isn’t the same now that I have moved out. He says he understands but after a week or two of not going out and spending money as much as he wants, he gets ancy and starts suggesting more expensive dates. I have gone to parks with him, free museums, we’ve watched movies, had game nights but he’d rather go out more than stay in. He always suggests places that cost money and a few times he said I should start dipping into my savings if I am that poor

 

Last month I still ending up spending too much because of him and didn’t have enough money to buy a full months worth of groceries this month. It’s the only aspect in my life I can cut down on (I’m already a coupon user too) so I have been eating a ton of canned vegetables for meals since the 1st of this month because I have no money left for food.

 

I pay for myself on our dates (have since after date 4 or so). I don’t think a guy should pay for me. He is adamant girls who expect men to pay for them are freeloaders and golddiggers, which is the attitude I find of most men today anyway. I get it- but I cannot afford him anymore and its nothing about being a golddigger. Before I moved out, I even treated him to a few things since he paid in the beginning.

 

I told him if he wont tolerate me putting my foot down about more moneyless dates, he needs to pay for me if he wants to do something. He doesn’t want to do it. Yet, he complains if we have too many moneyless or staying in dates.

 

Im starting to get frustrated and think about dumping him so I am less financially stressed and dont have to constantly worry about not meeting my budget because he wont pay for a few of our dates nor will he go on many moneyless dates. I don’t have cable, I don’t have a smartphone. I do live in an area that is pretty high with standards of living, but I cant move as of right now. I havent bought myself new clothes or makeup since I have moved out 5 months ago. I am currently doing income based on my student loans. I really cannot get any more frugal.

[Addison312]

Disregard. 10 characters

[Omei]

No you should not dip into your savings.

He should understand, the point of dates is to be with you no matter where that is if he cannot be okay with not being extravagant then maybe you should say goodbye.

 

Dating is about being together not where you go or what you spend.

[Addison312]

OP, he sounds very selfish. He needs to buck up and pay for you for dates if he wants to go on expensive outings. It's mismatched incomes, for sure, but if you want to be together, a plan needs to be made and you need to be openly communicative about your stance on your budget. You should let him pay!

[Mascara]

He sounds incredibly selfish. When there's a big gap in incomes, the higher earning one HAS to compromise - either free dates, or he pays. There is no room for you to compromise here, you can't magic money out of thin air - and you've already suggested plenty of alternatives.

 

I find this attitude of "you must be a gold digger" bizarre. You physically don't have the money. I once dated someone who liked expensive holidays, I just didn't have the money for it. So we didn't go. I didn't expect him to pay, and he didn't expect me to conjure up the cash.

[lollipopspot]

he gets ancy

 

antsy

 

.....

[d0nnivain]

What did he say when you said that you wanted to do more cheaper dates?

 

If this guy does care about you, especially to the point where you two are even starting to contemplate sharing a life, the money & gold digging attitudes have to change.

 

Where there is a huge disparity in disposable income, the richer person need to pick up a larger percentage of the dates. It's simple math.

[NJtoDC]

He is adamant girls who expect men to pay for them are freeloaders and golddiggers, which is the attitude I find of most men today anyway.

Your BF's attitude is unattractive and I don't agree most men think like this. There's a difference between taking your woman on a date (and paying) and a girl trying to cash in on a guy.

 

Bottom line: He makes a lot more money and can afford the finer things. He wants the finer things and wants you to do them, but refused to pay for it. You are incompatible. Does he not care that his fancy tastes have you eating canned veggies for dinner at home for lack of grocery money? What kind of man would be ok putting his woman in this position?

 

Dump him.

[Ninjainpajamas]

A guy who is mature and aware of your financial situation isn't going to hold strong to his "rules" of not treating a woman out if he really cares about you and wants your company.

 

I have not known men to generally go that distance, especially in relationships...sure some don't want to spend money on women they date for an indefinite amount of time but your girlfriend? and he makes three times more than you and got money to burn...c'mon, that's just being selfish.

 

It's a bit ridiculous that he holds that over your head ,and reason to yourself that it's fine because you obviously don't want to react towards it and confront him about it, jeopardizing the relationship.

 

If it's more important for him to be with someone who is financially stable then that's just an incompatibility there, it means he values his money more than your company and this relationship.

 

Try to have a real serious conversation about this, but this is hardly a good sign even if you get past it unless he really gets on board...if he's this possessive at this point in the relationship with his money, long-term he's just going to be worse and probably cut you off anyway.

 

I don't know why in the world you would sacrifice your own food/health and eat canned food just to keep this guy happy, you're ridiculous.

[Lokie]

Oh ryleigh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds painful.

 

I'm not a big fan of the simple "Dump him" advice, but I must admit this could be a big incompatibility issue that is being demonstrated in this current situation. Imagine years into the relationship if you become ill, and he needs to support you, will he feel the same way then? Or vice versa, will he expect you to support him?

 

I don't think you mentioned how long you have been together, but these situations are what we call "red flags" and alone may not mean much, but if you see a group of red flags forming, it's time to reexamine the relationship, in my opinion.

 

I have made more money than most of my exes, and I usually paid for our vacations because I wanted to travel and I wanted to travel with them and enjoyed their company. It was as simple as that, but that's me, and people are different.

 

L

[beach]

I don't dig his attitude about women and dating!

 

I'd dump him - yesterday!

 

And no - don't dip into your savings!!!

 

He sounds selfish and self centered - totally disrespectful of what's best for you! Not a good partner!

[ryleigh]

When I said I wanted to do cheaper dates, the first time he said he understood since I make less and I just moved out. We only went out once a week for that month but towards the end of it he started making comments about “Lets do this” or “I am tired of being home and going hiking"

I see myself as financially stable. I can pay my bills. If I wasn’t dating him, Id have some cushion because my friends arent like him and are cool with chilling and not going out all the time.

 

Relationship is great other than this though. Thats why it sucks. He is smart, cute, kind otherwise towards me, same sense of humours, similar interests

[StanMusial]

It's been said over and over again, money issues can derail any relationship. You seem like the frugal type and he's not. That's a core problem.

[Phantom888]

WHAT KIND OF REAL MAN WOULD EXPECT HIS GIRLFRIEND TO PAY FOR HER OWN DATES????! I can understand the woman paying once in a while so they can do more things together, but if you are paying every time you go out, then this isn't a real relationship. I mean, the man needs to take care of his woman when they go out. Who started this idea of women paying for themselves? This is absolutely absurd and pisses me off! Even if the woman makes more money than the man, she should not have to pay for herself. That's like going dutch with a friend. You BF is a sad excuse I'm sorry. It sucks to have no money I know. He needs to start paying for ALL the activities while you are having financial issues. Trust me, there are plenty of guys who would be glad to pay for their women. It's the way it SHOULD be.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing. Both people bring things into the relationship - one partner may be more loving and giving. One may have a Netflix subscription. One may have a 10% discount at their employer. One may have a nice apartment.

 

In a relationship, you GIVE of yourself. You share your "things" with your partner, because it makes you happy to GIVE.

 

One of the things he brings is money. The fact that he doesn't want to use any of his money on you is just... bizarre. He is more worried about holding onto his fears about "gold diggers" than he is sharing all of himself with you.

 

I would get his stance if it was date 3, but you've been dating a while now, and at some point he needs to trust your intentions. If you were a gold digger, he'd know by now.

 

He's being selfish.

 

You can try talking to him again, but if he won't let go of his rigid stance on this, you will either need to learn to be ok with things the way they are, or move on and find someone more open to a loving mutual relationship.

[heartshaped]

First of all, I'd put my foot down. If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it. You shouldn't let him pressure you, guilt you, or manipulate you into going on dates that you know you cannot afford and will make you go over your budget.

 

Secondly, it sounds like when it comes to finances and interests (as far as things to do) the two of you are in different categories and he is unwilling to compromise. This is a deal breaker in my book.

[pteromom]

WHAT KIND OF REAL MAN WOULD EXPECT HIS GIRLFRIEND TO PAY FOR HER OWN DATES????! I can understand the woman paying once in a while so they can do more things together, but if you are paying every time you go out, then this isn't a real relationship. I mean, the man needs to take care of his woman when they go out. Who started this idea of women paying for themselves? This is absolutely absurd and pisses me off! Even if the woman makes more money than the man, she should not have to pay for herself. That's like going dutch with a friend. You BF is a sad excuse I'm sorry. It sucks to have no money I know. He needs to start paying for ALL the activities while you are having financial issues. Trust me, there are plenty of guys who would be glad to pay for their women. It's the way it SHOULD be.

 

I am happy there are still guys who think like you, Phantom.

 

I don't have an issue with a guy who wants to go dutch at first, but it is always nice to be treated like a lady.

[mammasita]

He sounds like a douche. I don't ever expect a man to pay for me, but the fact that he doesn't even offer......and he makes 3x the amount that you do. Meh.

 

Do you have to do all the work during sex too? I wouldn't be surprised.

 

I'd drop him based on that alone.

[winny]

If this guy really cared for u.. then it wouldn't matter to him what activities you are doing on the date.. you being with him would be enough for him..

And he from his own side should help you to manage your finances well instead of asking you to spend your savings.

Very selfish guy and completely thoughtless..

U need to tell him very clearly and directly that u cannot pay for expensive dates.

And if the dates are more important than the person he is in "love" with then he can go his own way..

[StanMusial]

Frugal type? She HAS to be frugal. Frugal is having alot of money and choosing not to spend it. This chick doesnt have much leftover money period.

 

Ignore this woman hater ryleigh. The mismatch of incomes is the problem. Not you being frugal. I know couples like this in real life (and its not always the woman being poor, men get laid off too)

 

Its obvious youre not a golddigger this guy is just selfish. Jeez la weez

 

Right... some people have to be and good for her for living within her means. I just don't see them as compatible based on what I have read here. If he wants her to go on expensive outings, he should pay. It seems he has a different outlook on that topic.

[soccerrprp]

[shaking my head] Why in the world do you not see that he is an A$$? Selfish....

 

Goodness. I have a gf that makes 3x more than I do. Granted, I'm not in your situation, but she insists on paying for most things, but I allow that to a limit. Not pride, rather, her history has left a very bad taste in her mouth about relationships and men, so don't want to contribute to that unease, but she continues to offer (and buy).

 

He's selfish. That simple and he's suggesting that if he starts paying for you that you must be a free-loader. You've got yourself a winner....NOT.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds like you guys are incompatible on spending styles. That will be a huge problem if you potentially get married one day.

 

Tell him that he needs to agree to the free dates because you cannot afford to go out. If he isnt cool with it, then you may have to leave the relationship.

[FitChick]

He will have a very hard time getting another woman to put up with his cheap ways.

 

As a last resort, ask him to help you make a budget. He will be able to see in black and white how little spare cash you have and should feel like an ******* for suggesting you skip paying the electric bill so you can go to a concert. Play dumb and helpless like you need a big, smart man to help you sort out your finances since he says you should be able to do all these things. Let him show you how. He won't be able to.

 

Now that I think of it, I think HE is the golddigger. He wants a woman with money.

[beach]

IF it's SO important to HIM to do all those things - HE should be inviting you - and HE should expect to pay for ALL of it.

 

He seems cheap - and like he keeps score - that is NEVER attractive in ANY man or woman.

[petitefleur]

Damn, this is insane. I paid many movie tickets and drinks when I was bored and wanted to go out when my roommate was jobless! And she's just my friend. You are his girlfriend! Imagine how this dude will be of you ever marry... talk to him or just move on...