Relationship anxiety

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Hello! I have a question about relationship anxiety.

 

I have been experiencing relationship anxiety lately. And I want to learn how to cope with it. I know I have an anxiety disorder and have Xanax for it, but I only take it when I have panic attacks which lately, haven't been around.

 

I am in constant worry and panic though. Always analyzing every word and action and making a big deal out of nothing or creating something to make a big deal out of. I create unnecessary drama and panic for myself and my boyfriend. Our fights (maybe once every other week) are usually stupid and pointless and we always make up and laugh about it because it's like "why did that have to happen?" He is quite patient with me, but I then get nervous/anxious that one day he will get sick of it and leave. Do you see how the cycle repeats? It's like I need constant reassurance from him. I am living with him soon so maybe that will alleviate worry.

 

My anxiety usually starts when my boyfriend doesn't text back right away, or if he texts back and is short in his message. Or if he goes out with the boys and I don't hear from him. Or if I'm at work and I start analyzing the relationship and creating worry and anxiety over nothing.

 

I know I have a problem and I'd like to fix it. How do you cope with relationship anxiety?

[Omei]

Sounds more like you need to work on your trust and that's what's causing it.

 

He will def leave if you dont stop.

 

Don't pester him, trust until he actually DOES something for you to not trust.

 

Stop being hung up on his text reply's or his every move when he's with his friends your gonna suffocate him people like to feel they're still free and in control of their actions without having to worry if it's gonna cause problems for their partner.

 

Dont make him a prisoner to your relationship.

 

Maybe you have too much time on your hands.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Sounds more like you need to work on your trust and that's what's causing it.

 

He will def leave if you dont stop.

 

Don't pester him, trust until he actually DOES something for you to not trust.

 

Stop being hung up on his text reply's or his every move when he's with his friends your gonna suffocate him people like to feel they're still free and in control of their actions without having to worry if it's gonna cause problems for their partner.

 

Dont make him a prisoner to your relationship.

 

Maybe you have too much time on your hands.

 

I know what my issues ARE, I need help coping with them.

 

I don't usually react to him not texting me back or whatever the case is. It's all in my head and makes me question things. To the extent of my anxiety, he has no idea how bad it is. I don't show him. I suffer in silence.

[NJtoDC]

Hello! I have a question about relationship anxiety.

 

I have been experiencing relationship anxiety lately. And I want to learn how to cope with it. I know I have an anxiety disorder and have Xanax for it, but I only take it when I have panic attacks which lately, haven't been around.

 

I am in constant worry and panic though. Always analyzing every word and action and making a big deal out of nothing or creating something to make a big deal out of. I create unnecessary drama and panic for myself and my boyfriend. Our fights (maybe once every other week) are usually stupid and pointless and we always make up and laugh about it because it's like "why did that have to happen?" He is quite patient with me, but I then get nervous/anxious that one day he will get sick of it and leave. Do you see how the cycle repeats? It's like I need constant reassurance from him. I am living with him soon so maybe that will alleviate worry.

 

My anxiety usually starts when my boyfriend doesn't text back right away, or if he texts back and is short in his message. Or if he goes out with the boys and I don't hear from him. Or if I'm at work and I start analyzing the relationship and creating worry and anxiety over nothing.

 

I know I have a problem and I'd like to fix it. How do you cope with relationship anxiety?

 

I'd see a counselor/psychologist. You experience anxiety. Talk therapy can be helpful. Having someone to talk through those obsessive thoughts with can help ease those anxieties and to learn to work through them. It isn't good to keep dumping your anxieties on the BF when your worrying gets overwhelming.

[jphcbpa]

Therapy would help. You might be a love addict or similar. Have you been like this in other R's?

 

Try to imagine your life with you BF as partial overlap. Where you both have lives, get feed and loved interdependently.

 

You moving in with him will not change your insides.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Therapy would help. You might be a love addict or similar. Have you been like this in other R's?

 

Try to imagine your life with you BF as partial overlap. Where you both have lives, get feed and loved interdependently.

 

You moving in with him will not change your insides.

 

I probably was in other relationships, I dont remember.

 

I guess I analyze things too much. I texted him I love you today and he didn't say anything back. I then start to wonder if he is annoyed that I said that. Or if he doesn't feel the same.

 

He does say I love you, but not often.

 

I think I might talk to him tonight in a calm way and just let him know how I feel.

[Lokie]

It's best to work on this type of issue while you are not in a relationship, but you can also grow within the relationship if you are willing to do the hard work. The hard work involves you doing things that are counter intuitive to you.

 

I believe you are reacting because you are afraid he will leave (abandonment/rejection). These fears are YOUR responsibility to heal. When you transfer the responsibility of these fears onto your love interest, and rely on him to fill your emotional needs, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain if/when the relationship ends.

 

When he does not get back to you in a way that makes you feel secure, recognize this is YOUR issue and seek a way to take care of yourself instead of relying on him to take care of you.

 

Make sense?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It's best to work on this type of issue while you are not in a relationship, but you can also grow within the relationship if you are willing to do the hard work. The hard work involves you doing things that are counter intuitive to you.

 

I believe you are reacting because you are afraid he will leave (abandonment/rejection). These fears are YOUR responsibility to heal. When you transfer the responsibility of these fears onto your love interest, and rely on him to fill your emotional needs, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain if/when the relationship ends.

 

When he does not get back to you in a way that makes you feel secure, recognize this is YOUR issue and seek a way to take care of yourself instead of relying on him to take care of you.

 

Make sense?

 

YES! Thank you. I will keep this in mind. I realize also that when I start to get this way, I distract myself by cleaning, or focusing on work that needs to be done, or maybe listening to a good song while working out. These little things help a lot.

[jphcbpa]

I probably was in other relationships, I dont remember.

 

I guess I analyze things too much. I texted him I love you today and he didn't say anything back. I then start to wonder if he is annoyed that I said that. Or if he doesn't feel the same.

 

He does say I love you, but not often.

 

I think I might talk to him tonight in a calm way and just let him know how I feel.

 

Best advice is not to talk to him about this. Keep talking with us and a therapist. He is not going to fix you. Fix yourself. Be thankful this R is bringing this out in you. You cannot run from this and this must be faced and worked through. It could take months or even years.

[jphcbpa]

I texted him I love you today and he didn't say anything back. I then start to wonder if he is annoyed that I said that. Or if he doesn't feel the same.

 

He does say I love you, but not often.

 

.

 

Do not over think a text. If you really felt love for him when you sent it, then that is the purpose. His response is not necessary if you love yourself. You are assuming and taking things personal. Google "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

The truth is, he is probably not the type to say "I love you" all day. That has nothing to do with you and is not a projection of how he feels.

[jphcbpa]

Pick up "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody and see if that book resonates with you.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Best advice is not to talk to him about this. Keep talking with us and a therapist. He is not going to fix you. Fix yourself. Be thankful this R is bringing this out in you. You cannot run from this and this must be faced and worked through. It could take months or even years.

 

Really? so I should just not tell him about my anxieties or let him know why sometimes I act a certain way? You don't think that would be good? I know we talked about it once before awhile ago and he said he also has fears and issues with commitment. he says he gets anxiety from time to time. but i think his anxiety and fears have become mine.

 

Do not over think a text. If you really felt love for him when you sent it, then that is the purpose. His response is not necessary if you love yourself. You are assuming and taking things personal. Google "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.

 

The truth is, he is probably not the type to say "I love you" all day. That has nothing to do with you and is not a projection of how he feels.

 

You are right. I said I love you because I love him, I shouldn't expect a reply, but it's always nice to hear it back. He told me once he thinks actions are more than saying those words. He will say it once and awhile and when he does, I know he means it because it doesn't come often! haha

 

But thank you for this advice, i'll check out the four agreements.

[jphcbpa]

Really? so I should just not tell him about my anxieties or let him know why sometimes I act a certain way? You don't think that would be good? I know we talked about it once before awhile ago and he said he also has fears and issues with commitment. he says he gets anxiety from time to time. but i think his anxiety and fears have become mine.

.

 

not just yet...you need to process this more and feel it. you do not want to dump on him. you want to come from a place of love so he can also hear it with love.

 

in the near future perhaps, but it would just have to flow in a conversation after a weekend where you guys were really feeling connected. again you need to get filled up with love from yourself and outside of this R.

 

do you have a journal? I would suggest writing these feelings down. Put it in black and white. Take the thoughts out of your head and see them in front of you.

[salparadise]

Try to realize that you are creating this anxiety by making up stories that feature worst case scenarios and playing them over and over in your mind. They are imaginary and have no basis in reality. They are a product of your insecurities and a tendency to dwell on the negative. So change the stories using rationality and objectivity. If he doesn't text back right away, don't think the worst thing possible... hush the thought before it triggers anxiety and ask yourself what are some of the most likely reasons you haven't heard from him... maybe he's in the shower, driving, phone is in another room, he didn't hear it beep, etc. Objectively speaking, it's almost certainly some little practical reason that has no meaning whatsoever. If you refuse to abide irrational thought the anxiety will have no spark or fuel and will be extinguished before it gets started.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

not just yet...you need to process this more and feel it. you do not want to dump on him. you want to come from a place of love so he can also hear it with love.

 

in the near future perhaps, but it would just have to flow in a conversation after a weekend where you guys were really feeling connected. again you need to get filled up with love from yourself and outside of this R.

 

do you have a journal? I would suggest writing these feelings down. Put it in black and white. Take the thoughts out of your head and see them in front of you.

 

Thanks!! I will most definitely buy a journal!

 

So whenever I get a feeling, write it down? And then what?

 

Oh and I read this:

 

“The Four Agreements

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don’t take anything personally.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

4. Always do your best. ”

 

“Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

 

"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally."

 

I think all this is sooo true, but I don't quite understand "Be impeccable with your word"

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Try to realize that you are creating this anxiety by making up stories that feature worst case scenarios and playing them over and over in your mind. They are imaginary and have no basis in reality. They are a product of your insecurities and a tendency to dwell on the negative. So change the stories using rationality and objectivity. If he doesn't text back right away, don't think the worst thing possible... hush the thought before it triggers anxiety and ask yourself what are some of the most likely reasons you haven't heard from him... maybe he's in the shower, driving, phone is in another room, he didn't hear it beep, etc. Objectively speaking, it's almost certainly some little practical reason that has no meaning whatsoever. If you refuse to abide irrational thought the anxiety will have no spark or fuel and will be extinguished before it gets started.

 

So true. And most of the time that is the case. Well actually all the time. I always find out later that I freaked out over nothing!

 

This guy wants me to move in, he is going to spend Christmas with my mom and I, he already has my Christmas gift picked out and when I'm with him (which is almost everyday) he cuddles me and gives me bundles of love. When I'm with him, everything is great. When I'm not near him for whatever reason, I start to question things and get scared. I have broken up with him a few times because I feared love and commitment.

 

Thankfully, he has stuck by my side. I think because he understands the fear himself. In a way, we are both trying to overcome it...together.

[jphcbpa]

Thanks!! I will most definitely buy a journal!

 

So whenever I get a feeling, write it down? And then what?

 

 

I have 2 journals. 1 is a gratitude and prayer journal. I write what I am thankful for and what I want to create in my life.

 

The second journal is my crazy thought journal.

 

Here I write the crazy thoughts at the top of a page.

 

 

Situation example: I sent him a text and and he did not reply.

 

Crazy thought: He is ignoring me. He does not love me. He is cheating ect.

 

How it makes me feel: I feel insecure. I feel does not love me ect.

 

Reality: He is busy working.

 

As you learn more about the reality you can go back in fill in the blanks. Perhaps later you learn that he was in a 3 hour meeting and his phone was turned off. Go back and write that in.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I have 2 journals. 1 is a gratitude and prayer journal. I write what I am thankful for and what I want to create in my life.

 

The second journal is my crazy thought journal.

 

Here I write the crazy thoughts at the top of a page.

 

 

Situation example: I sent him a text and and he did not reply.

 

Crazy thought: He is ignoring me. He does not love me. He is cheating ect.

 

How it makes me feel: I feel insecure. I feel does not love me ect.

 

Reality: He is busy working.

 

As you learn more about the reality you can go back in fill in the blanks. Perhaps later you learn that he was in a 3 hour meeting and his phone was turned off. Go back and write that in.

 

WOW! That is an awesome idea. I'm gonna go get me a notebookie now! ;-)

[panoramicview]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I experience the same type of anxiety that you do in relationships. My relationship recently ended because these anxieties were constantly causing problems in my relationship. I tried my best to control them, but the emotions I felt would become overwhelming at times. I also would constantly break-up with him and then recant when he wouldn't try to convince me otherwise. If this issue isn't worked through, it will be detrimental to your relationship. Mine imploded.

 

Also, my ex was cheated on in the past and acted in ways similar to your boyfriend. He often would not say he loved me or missed me after I'd say it. This increased my anxiety times 1000 and was what led me to act impulsively and cause our relationship to end. I always thought he didn't care about me as much as I had. The truth was that he couldn't trust me to open up and develop those feelings because I was always pushing and pulling.

 

Like you, I am also looking for ways to break this pattern. At times I feel hopeless. It's hard to break a mindset that took 22 years to make. I hope you ultimately can get a handle on this and don't end up like me.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I experience the same type of anxiety that you do in relationships. My relationship recently ended because these anxieties were constantly causing problems in my relationship. I tried my best to control them, but the emotions I felt would become overwhelming at times. I also would constantly break-up with him and then recant when he wouldn't try to convince me otherwise. If this issue isn't worked through, it will be detrimental to your relationship. Mine imploded.

 

Also, my ex was cheated on in the past and acted in ways similar to your boyfriend. He often would not say he loved me or missed me after I'd say it. This increased my anxiety times 1000 and was what led me to act impulsively and cause our relationship to end. I always thought he didn't care about me as much as I had. The truth was that he couldn't trust me to open up and develop those feelings because I was always pushing and pulling.

 

Like you, I am also looking for ways to break this pattern. At times I feel hopeless. It's hard to break a mindset that took 22 years to make. I hope you ultimately can get a handle on this and don't end up like me.

 

To the bolded part, I know that feeling, I hate it!!! UGH

 

I was exactly like you, in the same spot you are in right now not too long ago. I just opened up with my bf and told him my fears and anxieties. I realized he had the same fears/anxieties. We have broken up a couple times, never lasted though. We always got back together. He told me we were just meant to be together. So instead of breaking up every time, we just work out are issues even if that means taking a day or two of space to find ourselves again.

 

It's very difficult, but something I am willing to work on and overcome. I don't want to lose him. Or myself in this anxiety.

[Delilah1623]

You sound exactly like me. What helps me sometimes is having a trusted friend you can text when you get anxious to help talk you off the ledge. It helps if they are a little crazy too so you can do the same for them and see how silly yours being sometimes.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

You sound exactly like me. What helps me sometimes is having a trusted friend you can text when you get anxious to help talk you off the ledge. It helps if they are a little crazy too so you can do the same for them and see how silly yours being sometimes.

 

haha I actually do have a couple friends that are like me and understand my anxieties. It's funny how us girls can get and she has backed me off the edge SEVERAL times. Thank god for her!

[Delilah1623]

It's comforting to know there are offers out there that go through this exact stuff. I know it's my issue but at the same time I also feel like off its the right guy he will be patient and understanding. My current bf is amazing and as time goes on our is becoming easier and easier to move past these issues.

[salparadise]

So true. And most of the time that is the case. Well actually all the time. I always find out later that I freaked out over nothing!

 

So use this rational understanding to dispel the cyclical fear-based stuff before you go into anxiety mode. Put your cognitive side in charge and set limits on what the emotional side is allowed to get away with.

 

 

I experience the same type of anxiety that you do in relationships. My relationship recently ended because these anxieties were constantly causing problems in my relationship. I tried my best to control them, but the emotions I felt would become overwhelming at times. I also would constantly break-up with him and then recant when he wouldn't try to convince me otherwise.

 

Whatever you do, own it and don't project it onto your sweetie. If you need a lot of reassurance and you have a loving, understanding man, just explain it and tell him that you would appreciate some words of affection and reassurance. It's so much more effective because he can actually give you what you need. When you project you push away.

 

I suggest that you all buy the book "A Guide to Rational Living" by Dr. Albert Ellis. He calls his technique Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). It works pretty darn well, and after awhile testing thoughts for rationality becomes routine. Nearly all of our emotional distress is based on irrational thinking and beliefs that simply are not true.

[csi]

You sound quite like me in my own relationship! I constantly get upset when he doesn’t reply to my texts quick enough, or doesn’t say ‘I love you’ first, or simple, silly things like that! My boyfriend is a very hard person to connect with emotionally, and doesn’t like to share his feelings, whereas I am the opposite and want to constantly tell him how I feel and how much I care for him and when he doesn’t do it back, it makes me feel like I care more! However recently, we broke up and then got back together after he said he wanted to give it another try, and I know it was my emotional problems and my dependance on him that was pushing him away, he said we were two different people and I was so ‘full on’ while he was happy just taking things slowly. This has opened my eyes to how I need to change, to give him space to hang out with his own friends and actually trust him and believe him when he tells me he loves me, instead of automatically thinking ‘but I love you more’. I hope you figure things out, I am still figuring things out, but I know that I have to relax more and not be so serious about the relationship because next time we reach an ultimatum, I know it will be over for good. So good luck, and if you need to talk, I would be happy to try and help you out if you do the same for me