My ex really wants things to be cool between us despite her having someone new

[ABrokenNerd]

The backstory. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/436771-i-broken-up-her-about-year-never-begged-but-still-made-mistakes

 

She keeps inviting me to go to her birthday party. She texted me personally inviting me to it, stating that If I was up to it, I was more then welcome to come. I was more then pissed at first because I know she invited her new boyfriend and he is definitely coming. Last time I talked to her she insisted that she was hesitant and there was nothing going on between the two of them as of yet, but even though I am pissed, I waited a couple of hours to let the over analytic part of me subside before I told her that I have work (which is true, so even if I wanted to go, I can't because of work)

 

She has told mutual friends that she really wants me to be friends with her. She wants everything to be okay between us as fast as possible which makes no sense to me because she knows I have feelings for her. She wants me in her future as a friend, and that hurts me because she is in a new relationship, and it doesn't seem that she has any understanding of how ****ty I feel because of this. Is it because of guilt? Does she really value me as a friend? At this point, even though I am for all intents and purposes in no contact with her, I just find that whatever she is doing, her hopes and wants, she is selfishly not realizing that it is hurting me more deeply then the break up ever did. The next time she contacts me, I will tell her that she doesn't understand how hard this is for me and that she really does need to give me space because I am not taking this **** any ****ing longer. I have every right not to want to be her friend, because the way she has treated me says the exact opposite. What she wants and what I want are two separate things. I'm just looking out for me.

[d0nnivain]

I think you hit the nail on the head. She has moved on & wants to be "nice" so she can soothe her conscious for hurting you in the 1st place.

 

Yell & curse if you want but I think a calmer -- I'm not ready to be friends -- please leave me alone b/c you being nice actually hurts -- will leave you with more dignity.

 

You are never obligated to be friends with an EX.

[Sandy99]

I am having the exact same problem with my ex. He keeps telling me how wonderful I am and how he wants to be friends with me forever after breaking up. But he also has been casually dating somebody else since we ended. It's very confusing. We, however, were long distance, and we actually live quite far from one another, so he could just be doing this to keep me on the back burner if for some reason we live closer in the future and could date again. I think it's guilt too. But I think in a way you should take it as a compliment. This person dated you for however long and realized at the end that you're still great. I have had relationships end and I highly doubt the guy was thinking how great I was at the end. So take it with a grain of salt. It's sort of a compliment to want to keep you in their lives (when they could be ignoring the hell out of you), but at the same time it is probably to assuage some of their guilt and to selfishly make sure you don't go too far if things don't work out with the rebound. In my situation, circumstances more than anything kept us apart, so I sort of accepted the "friendship" offer after a while and I found it gave me some peace of mind.

 

You're going to realize anyway in like 6 months to a year that you over reacted to everything during the break up anyway. I'm not great during the break up phase and I usually realize this after some time. But the great thing about "friendship" offers is that you can always get "busy" when they ask you to hang out. Yes, this is passive aggressive, but it beats having a long conversation about why you can't be their friend...which if you think about it is kind silly because you just dated them and they obviously were a friend to you. So just be pretend friends. That's what I am doing. Unless the person did something really hurtful like cheat on you, lie, steal, etc. I think if you accept their "friendship" it makes getting over them easier in the end and might keep the door open for a reconciliation if that is what you are hoping for. If you don't want a reconciliation then tell them no thanks to their friendship offer. I think it's all about what you hope happens at some future time.

[Sandy99]

I also have found that most dumpers generally experience little guilt in the beginning stages of the break up. They only feel guilt if they like you still. If they don't, and have wanted out for a while, they are telling themselves how they are glad they finally broke up with you, and what a mistake it was to date you, etc. This usually wares off after a few months, after they forget about the bad, but most dumpers I know don't initially feel guilty unless they worry they are making a mistake.

[toolforgrowth]

What she wants is irrelevant. How she feels is irrelevant.

 

What IS relevant is what YOU want and how YOU feel. If you don't want to be friends with her, don't. It's YOUR life and you are under NO obligation to explain yourself to her. She wants you to be okay with something you are not okay with. That is extremely selfish of her and not fair to you.

 

If she doesn't like it, tough. She can put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

[Never Again]

What she wants is irrelevant. How she feels is irrelevant.

 

What IS relevant is what YOU want and how YOU feel. If you don't want to be friends with her, don't. It's YOUR life and you are under NO obligation to explain yourself to her. She wants you to be okay with something you are not okay with. That is extremely selfish of her and not fair to you.

 

If she doesn't like it, tough. She can put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

 

Seriously.

 

I wish I had heard this advice after my break up. I met up with my ex four days after (I was prompted to go by our mutual friends who thought we'd get back together). Turns out she just wanted to make everything "okay". She felt guilty and wanted to ease her conscience... I ended up only feeling vulnerable and ****ty.

 

Didn't cry during the breakup, but I sure did at that "second breakup talk".

 

My ex did it for her, so she could feel good and face our mutual friends without shame. Had nothing to do with me.

 

Avoid the trap. Don't let her try to make anything okay; she's only trying to make things okay for herself, not for you.

[ABrokenNerd]

Just for the record,the only reason I responded to her, was because she seemed dead set on me actually coming to this party. Which was counter intuitive and all that, yes I know.

 

And again, just for the record, although I am using profane language in the original post, it does not mean I would respond that way if I do end up telling her not to no contact me. I'm generally a very calm, collected dude. But the fact that even after a year of break-up, to what I can only chalk up to pure selfishness, she wants to keep me around as a friend. I'm only just ranting here because it helps me cope, hence the title of the sub-forum

 

And I consider what I'm doing still no contact, although I've responded to her like once or twice. (Hey we are all allowed to have slip ups) I will never again initiate contact with her simply because I'm not obligated to be there for her emotionally. If she doesn't understand that is all on her. I don't want to invest my time into someone who doesn't give two flaming turkey nipples about my emotional well being, even if it's only as friends.

 

Hey part of me will have feelings for this women. We had a great two years and I had great memories, but I've starting to move past that. Past greatness does not make up for current horsecockery.