Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I have been exclusively dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. We are together all of the time, have met each others' families, and we have both decided to give this relationship a real shot with a goal of marriage and kids. We are early/mid 30s. Neither of us have been married or engaged before. Ever since the beginning he has been the one to initiate talks, arguments/discussions, etc to progress our relationship. He takes it fast usually and I'm into taking it slow. We are opposites of each other in that I like to build things with someone before I fully open up and he gives it right at the beginning if he senses potential. I have a calm demeanor and he is the creative, brain going a-mile-a-minute, over analyzer. He has brought up his past relationships as being passionate, very sexual, and they end up crashing and burning. He has dated more of the crazy, unpredictable, highly sexual types and stated that is what attracted him. The arguments and ups and downs is what he is used to. I don't really give him that. He has been in love twice, he says, but it has sounded more like lust to me since he felt that way from the starts of those relationships. I have also been in love...once. It took me a while to feel that way. Anyway, the last topic of discussion a week ago was moving in together. He has his own place, as do I. He is at mine about 5 nights a week. This would be convenient as we could save money, pay off our debts, and of course....see if we are going to work out. Thing is, I told him Saturday that I love him for the first time. He did not reciprocate. He said it's been on the tip of his tongue quite a few times, but he just isn't sure and wants to get there... Hence the moving in discussion. I am confused as to why someone would want to live with me without being in love with me. Also, he acts like he is. He has been an amazing, thoughtful partner. That's why I said it. I thought he'd reciprocate. Afterwards I felt like an idiot. He told me I'm 10,000x better than any other woman he's dated and I am the first woman he's been with that he has respected. Yet...he doesn't love me and he loved them. This is his first really mature relationship and he says I'm the first person he could actually marry. I proceeded to tell him that moving in wasn't a good idea because I don't move in with someone out of convenience only...I was assuming he loved me since he brought it up. I also told him I felt vulnerable and stupid and shouldn't have said anything at all. He still wants to move in with me to "get him there," and was frustrated that I initially said yes and then after not hearing ILY back changed my mind and became unsure.Anyone have experience with this? Any input?
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 He told me yesterday that he can see me withdrawing. It's true. I don't want to get hurt, naturally. He was afraid I was going to go home, call him, and end things. It's not true...I still want a relationship. I just don't want to waste my time on someone who is waiting for something to make him fall in love with me. I'm not like his past women. I think that may be part of the problem. It just hurts that right off the bat, he could love the crazy one, but after 6 months, he's still trying to get there with me. Or maybe I'm being too sensitive...
Mascara Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. Your stated goals as a couple are marriage and kids, and so moving in together is usually a temporary measure in those cases. It's not something that you do to "see how it goes". In your case, I think you're quite right to want to be in love before you take that step. When you're in college or 20s, I think it's fine for couples to live together as an extension of dating. It's acceptable for it to be more for convenience, or even just to "practice" living with someone. I'm a bit older than you, and I see where you're coming from. At my age, I wouldn't live with someone I wasn't in love with either. I have no need to live with someone for the sake of convenience. 1
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Thanks for the reply, Mascara. I just assumed he does love me since he's so good to me and always showing tons of affection. He even bought my sister a gift for her birthday (as well as her kids on theirs)! So I was a little shocked because it FEELS like he does, yet he says he's not sure. I'm beginning to think he doesn't know what it even is. I'm still considering the moving in thing since his lease is up January 1st and he could move in my place for 3/4 months as a trial. I want our relationship to move forward.
Omei Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I think you should stop analyzing so hard before it becomes your end If you guys are happy move in together dont say I love you again until he ever does dont pressure everything. 1
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 With regard to him not telling you he loved you - I get that this does not feel nice, but why is it such a big issue? Did you say it so that he would say it back? You should say it if you mean it. You cannot expect him to say the same if he does not feel it. I do feel it and actually thought he felt it as well. I thought that's why he wanted to live with me in the first place. Right now I'm regretting saying it at all.
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I think you should stop analyzing so hard before it becomes your end If you guys are happy move in together dont say I love you again until he ever does dont pressure everything. Thank you. That felt like a breath of fresh air reading that. I know over thinking has the potential to ruin.
clia Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I would never move in with a man who couldn't say "I love you." No way, no how. If he isn't able to "get there" after six months of dating and five nights a week staying the night with you...well...that's concerning. What does he think is going to change? You are already spending a substantial amount of time together. It's almost like he is putting you on probation to see if you are good enough to fall in love with. Yuck. Sounds like a lot of upheaval for what could potentially be a very disappointing scenario for you. 3
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 What does he think is going to change? You are already spending a substantial amount of time together. It's almost like he is putting you on probation to see if you are good enough to fall in love with. Yuck. Sounds like a lot of upheaval for what could potentially be a very disappointing scenario for you. Yes, he wants more intimacy to be able to fall in love, he says. In more ways than just sex.
clia Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Yes, he wants more intimacy to be able to fall in love, he says. In more ways than just sex. Why does he think seven nights is going to be so much more different than five? I could see it if you were long distance or only saw each other once a week, but you are already spending a ton of time together.
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 We have found that we actually work better in a domesticated environment. Things flow more smoothly when we spend lots of time together. So that's his reasoning. You're right, though, on feeling like I'm on probation. I told him that after we discussed everything.
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I am really confused how someone could say they're with the best woman they've ever dated, she's 10,000 times better than anyone else (even the ones he "loved"), may want to marry her...yet not love her after 6 months of a serious relationship... 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 You'll be hurt...he's keeping you at an emotional distance, he's more than likely moving in with you for more rational decisions than emotional, after all he's not stepping into that emotional zone with you....saying he's "going to get there" is just his way of buying time. He has a greater plan or agenda, and you seem like the right person to fit the mold. You're a different type of person than he's likely dated in the past....someone maybe more conservative and more relative to his values...or what he'd like to value. He didn't respect the women in his past, there's this double-standard with a lot of men where your behavior devalues you while his does not, after all they are likely more emotionally invested than he is anyway, just like you are. But he's chosen your type for a reason. He's going to tell you whatever it takes to convince you, he's already experienced and sounds like a guy who is manipulative anyway...he'll never be completely honest and transparent with you IMO. He's only going to try and say things that would erase your doubts...buy more time, push the marker a bit forward. This guy already has an agenda or idea of what he wants out of this relationship, that's why he's with you...emotions are likely something he'll have trouble getting into, he likely also has trusts issues and therefore needs to ask about your feelings to keep tabs on where you are emotionally, but it doesn't mean he's going to reciprocate he just wants that knowledge. This guy has a history you are ignoring and sweeping under the oh so convenient "past" rug that many people like to do, because they want to believe people can change and of course YOU are the difference maker, you are what is different which is why he is going to change or will change or has changed...you'll have trouble distinguishing which one he's actually talking about if you actually tried to make sense of it. You're a balance for this type of guy, you provide some stability...a yin and yang kind of thing, but it doesn't mean he's past his issues or this will be any different...after all he's rushing into things with you still, he's just doing it under the guise of *insert reason here which is only half convincing*...once the reality hits and the honeymoon phase is over, you might find yourself with a completely different man than you had met in the beginning...after all, the guy is likely charming and good at being a certain guy that he wants you to see, but eventually you'll start seeing little warning signs that you'll try and shake off even thought your gut feeling is kicking in. You're not going to get all of this until later of course, like most women you don't see the light until afterwards...there's a side of this guy you don't understand, and the way people ignore the history and the behavior/pattern is unbelievable but the true colors will come out in time...yet again women think they are "special" and can change a man...if you think this guy is magically going to change and be someone else just for you, just for this relationship, you're going to learn the hard way and feel like a fool in the end...that's if you even can see clearly what a man is doing, some men are very good at manipulation and they won't let you ever see the truth. If you think this guy is going to settle into the "good guy" role you're in a for a big surprise, he sounds like a guy with a lot of personal issues. You've only seen the beginning in terms of the cracks in this potential long-term relationship...enjoy "sticking it out", you're the perfect kind of girl to take advantage of because you're completely clueless and unaware.
Omei Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Keep in mind that some of these reply's are by hurt people ALSO analyzing too hard. You say you guys are great you say you're happy he says your different and he cares for you and you say you feel his love, he may not he ready to say it just yet when things are going so well. Again, if you guys are really happy try living together that's part of falling for someone harder dont let a sentence ruin it. If it's just those 3 words bothering you and nothing else. Don't make it into something else. Don't let someone else's fears put fear into you do what you feel is best.
heartshaped Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I don't think you should regret telling him you loved him. You said it because you did and that's always the best (and only) reason to say it. He didn't say it because he doesn't feel it yet. I think it says more that he was honest rather than would lie about how he feels. However, I do find the fact that he is not sure or does not feel he loves you concerning after all the time the two of you have spent together. I think the problem here may be that he is with you because of your long term potential and because he respects you, but you aren't usually the type of woman he goes for or is attracted to (emotionally speaking). I would be concerned that he may never get to that point. If he isn't crazy in love with you now what's going to change in the long term? It could be he's trying to force something that simply isn't there on his side of things. I definitely would not move in and I think this all calls for more serious discussion and reflection.
Omei Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Talk it out more with him. @ninjainpajamas that is way too much assumption on someone you dont know. 1
NJtoDC Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I do feel it and actually thought he felt it as well. I thought that's why he wanted to live with me in the first place. Right now I'm regretting saying it at all. No, don't regret being true to yourself. You may not like the feeling that came from him divulging his uncertainty about his love toward you, but is that a reason to avoid the topic? I think, after six months and talk of marriage and children (if not sooner), it is perfectly reasonable to express love for your SO. I wonder what's going on in your BF's head that he acts and talks like he is madly in love with you but can't figure out if he 'loves' you. What's up with that is what I would want to know. If he can't figure that out in six months, is he going to? 1
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 However, I do find the fact that he is not sure or does not feel he loves you concerning after all the time the two of you have spent together. I think the problem here may be that he is with you because of your long term potential and because he respects you, but you aren't usually the type of woman he goes for or is attracted to (emotionally speaking). I would be concerned that he may never get to that point. If he isn't crazy in love with you now what's going to change in the long term? It could be he's trying to force something that simply isn't there on his side of things. Those are my concerns as well. I know he is highly attracted to me physically, but my personality isn't what he typically goes for. And to be honest, his isn't what I typically go for either. It just happened that way. We have both brought things to the table to allow the other to grow. Even if it doesn't work out, I'll be thankful for this experience. I also know that just because he treats me so well and respects me, this does not equal love. I really do want him to get there though.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) Talk it out more with him. @ninjainpajamas that is way too much assumption on someone you dont know. Why do people think you need to know someone to understand how they think or what they are up to? it's just weird man...the evidence is in the behavior and history, that's what tells you more about a person than their own revised version of what they think of themselves and what you know about them...so far. Think of it like playing charades, you put the pieces together using the clues. However, you make this statement..."Keep in mind that some of these reply's are by hurt people ALSO analyzing too hard" Lol, so basically you're not following your own advice...or do you somehow know me enough to somehow come to that conclusion? Your assumption is that only "hurt" people, don't shoot rainbows out of their arse with "optimistic" advice... The difference is you're not a man, and you don't know how men work or what they do...yet as always, you advise other women on how they work........CLASSIC. Learn the hard way ladies...it's what you do anyway, the writing is on the wall as usual, but you refuse to read it...and then you claim men are "confusing"...really? are they really that confusing? or do you just confuse yourself? as if you aren't smart enough to figure out when a man is BSing you. Either way, the situation will speak for itself in time...there's no need to convince anyone. I'm sure you all can swap irrelevant details and information that only women care about that really doesn't change anything in a man but makes you feel better for the time being. Edited November 15, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
jphcbpa Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Truth is, imo, he has never been truly in love. Oh yes this boy has been in lust. He cant say it because it does not feel like lust. Give him time to see this is what love really feels like. He said he respects you...he never respected the other women he claims to have "loved". IMO, I would not move in with him until he sees that for himself. Keep being you and showing love. Do not pull away. He loves you, but he does not know what he is feeling is real love. 1
Author Addison312 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Truth is, imo, he has never been truly in love. Oh yes this boy has been in lust. He cant say it because it does not feel like lust. Give him time to see this is what love really feels like. He said he respects you...he never respected the other women he claims to have "loved". . That is a good point and I was thinking of that possibility. I do believe he has some unrealistic expectations of what a real relationship should be...brought on by his past, most likely. I'm just not sure I can be the one to wait around and keep trying to get him to love me if it hasn't happened yet.
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