CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I was reading another post and thought about a statement made 'sometimes we look back at our ex and the relationship through rose colored glasses'..and I thought, how true...why is that? in the relationship I just got out of, me and my ex fought constantly about something, we could not go to dinner, or even play tennis without getting in a fight and it escalating into one of us leaving or getting mad....there were more apologies in the relationship than anything I have ever seen, yet now that we are done, my mind literally will not let me think about those bad times....I can only conjure up positive images for some reason....the times we made love, or sat around and actually got along and had some fun, the times we went to the beach...those were great times, but unfortunately the bad outweighed the good....but for some unknown reason my mind will not let me think about the bad times and the reasons I SHOULD BE GLAD its over...instead, I can only think about why it SHOULD NOT be over....is that weird, and does anyone else have this problem? Thanks, Merry Christmas to all!
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Sort of, I'm thinking of the good stuff, but at the same time, I'm making a point of thinking of the bad stuff. It takes effort to think of the bad for some reason. Let me list them again now that I'm on the subject: saggy boobs brown teeth bad breath moles all over her body stretch marks never happy controlling hypocrite liar damaged goods ex-husband to deal with kids from ex-husband to deal with worst possible mother-in-law if we married left me right before finals left me right before the wedding took out bad stuff that happened at work on me and her kids divorce-proned non-committed purposely hurt me used me for money manipulative this list could go on and on now that i think of it
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 While your at it, let me compile a list myself: controlling selfish no self respect damaged goods ( big time -save that for another topic ) hardly anything in the boobs Dept. bad temper judgemental unforgiving snobby unstable vain lack of self esteem /self worth easy irrational used me/ money hypocrite shall I go on??
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I'm curious about the damaged goods item, do tell! In my case she was married and had kids which resulted in her body being all nasty. Not to mention the psychological effect the divorce left on her making her a man-hater and never happy.
alphamale Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Yes I call this Selective Positive Recollection or SPR. Is is common and normal. For some reason the mind tends to recall the positive vs the negative cause this increases the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain. And these 2 chemicals (among others) make us feel GOOD. The brain likes to feel GOOd, not BAD. You are not alone in suffering this innocuous malady.
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Well, as far as the damaged goods thing goes...well, here it is: we were well into the relationship, about, oh I would say 8 and a half months....so one day we had just, um finished, and she was in the bathroom getting ready to go with me to get something to eat, and I was sitting on the end of the bed putting my shoes on, and she goes ' would you be OK if I told you something?' and I said ' well, it depends, is it bad?' and she says ' well, no I don't think it is ' so she proceeds to tell me this: ' I Have been with 23 people while I was in college' WOW. To say I was floored would be an understatement. She went to the University of Alabama, I went to the University of Florida ( Go Gators!!! ), so I know how it is, but she went for only 2 years...she went to a little community college in her hometown for a short time before that, so all that in 2 years??? I felt like, you know, we are well into the relationship so I cant bail on this fact alone...I felt like I would be seen as insecure in myself.....but anyway, I asked her why so many? and she said she was known as a good time girl and all that ( and she does not look like the type of person to handle herself in that manner, she was very sheltered in her life, and I think she let herself get a little out of hand down there )....anyway, I just sat there and was stunned by this revelation, and it was never brought up again....she never cheated on me, but thats why I feel she used a half-@ss excuse to end things, because she missed that college life.....its sad...thats why I said she has no self respect, esteem, or self worth....because she simply does not. I went to UF and know how much partying can go on, and I am not saying I am some angel.....but in my humble opinion, thats excessive, almost troubling.
azzer2000 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Was that last bit true (spr) or just made up
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 what bit? everything I said is true.
alphamale Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by azzer2000 Was that last bit true (spr) or just made up that was made up
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 The last bit was all true...yes, it is unreal, but she told me that she had been with that many people....its quite excessive, I know...but that is what she said, honestly. It rattles around in my mind all the time, and had been everyday since she told me.
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Agreed, 23 ramrods in her in two years is quite excessive, that's an average of 1/month. The funny thing is that the fact that she told you probably means that she is actually proud of that fact and was in a way, bragging about it. I was only my ex's second, but then again she probably did it a lot of times with the first due to a 7 year marriage. When she pulled out the crotchless panties and the vibrator one day, i was like, woa, a little experienced for just being with one person.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by CA20 I was reading another post and thought about a statement made 'sometimes we look back at our ex and the relationship through rose colored glasses'..and I thought, how true...why is that? Because some small part of your heart is still infected with the relationship. I had a similar thing going on. I was supposed to be married to this guy I started seeing at the end of college - we dated a few years, and the night he was supposed to propose - he broke up with me instead. I was destroyed. After it was over, all I could think about were those things I missed: the good times. How he'd do this weird thing with his chin, our injokes, how his body looked, how his hair had soft curls, how his skin smelled, how passionate we were in bed, the music we loved, etc. etc. Man, I would cry when I thought about that. I'd get wrenching chest pains: physical manifestations of grief at what I'd lost. That went on for a while. Some part of me was still in love with him, thus the attacks of 'flashes of poignant sweet memories'. After a while, they faded and I began to see those memories for what they were: attempts by my mind and heart to block out all those really bad things going on in the relationship. How we fought. How emotionally immature we were. How miserable we were at the end. All the mean, cutting things he would say. How sarcastic, wishy washy and hypocritical he was. How he looked down on my family and mocked their simple 'southern' ways. How petulant and spoiled and irresponsible he was. I was not much better than he was. We were terrible together. Then after a time of remembering bad things, those began to fade too. Then eventually all those memories - good and bad - became just indifferent. Neither good nor bad, just history. That's when I knew for sure I was over him - when all the memories faded to indifference. Then I dated some and eventually met the man I'm married to now. All I can say now is that there is no end to how thankful I am that he dumped me. It never occurred to me that I would be happy in the way that I am now. There is no way on the face of the earth that I would have been this happy with him, no matter what I thought at that time.
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Yes, I know....from what she said, they were mainly one night stands....not actual relationships...she said she knew what she was doing, and that she enjoyed it...and when she told me, not one bit of regret or maybe I should not have done that type of attitude was present....she was so nonchalant about it...it made me think...you know? I got tested, as did she, and everything was fine, but I tell ya....it shook me when she told me that...I thought ' I am going to marry the town w****.
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Gosh, if you think about it, 1 out of every 2,000,000 men (not including boys and ederly) in the US has had sex with this women. Kind of weirds you out, doesn't it.
Troubled Heart Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I made a list of the bad things too. It was hard to start, but once I did, it was really easy to list things I didn't like about my ex. In fact, I read over the list when I can't stop thinking about our relationship. Instead of wondering what went wrong, I focus on what things are "wrong" with him. Its sort of mean but at the same time, very therapeutic to know that I'm not the only one with faults.
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 to add to my list: a judgemental fundie Christian (I'm Christian too, but she's the crazy kind) bad-tempered unforgiving unstable expected me to pay for her kids to go to private school if we got married expected me to pay to put her mother up in assisted living if we got married (either that or live with MIL) about 50 other things I could think of that relate to her having an ex-husband and kids: not getting to just be the two of us for awhile not getting to enjoy having my wife's first baby, etc etc
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 yeah that does weird me out....but what made me think even more was that is an astronomical number, even in college....she admitted that they were one night stands and that she did that...almost seemed like she was putting on this front like ' yeah I did it and no, you are not better than me because of it' and I never said I was, it just appeared that she was trying to make that seem normal and when I even hinted that it was not normal at all, she became quite defensive saying I was being insecure and that I need to focus on us, and not base anything on that, and I did focus on us...everything....but that knowledge bounced around in the back of my mind anytime she went out with her girlfriends from college or something like that, because when something like that is told to you, you cant help but think that the possibility of cheating is out there, and more so because of it...the possibility of cheating is always out there, but when you know something like that, it seems inflated.....but she has done away with me, so I cant help but think that some lucky new guy is already the recipient of her 'kindness' ......although she said to me when she ended things that this relationship has changed that part of her, and that she was not going to have sex again until she was married....who knows? people can change, but I just have a hard time believing that statement. .....
smile95 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 wow -reading your lists make mine look better! lol. I must have missed something....how many people did she sleep with??I doknow how it feels to think of only the good. I hate that! I had to make a list and not only read it, but think of how he made me feel in situations. It is not "her" you are missing and is is not "him" I was missing. It was loving and being in love.
Author CA20 Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 Yeah Beth, That is what I have been thinking more and more.....That the more I look back on it, the more I think that I was in Love with the relationship and the Idea of 'Being in Love' more than her the person. There were good times, no doubt, but the bad times far outweighed the good. it was along the lines of 90/10, with the bad being 90% of the relationship. we fought about everything..and it was little arguments that always grew to something they should not have and that took a toll on things...I think she was the same way....she loved the idea of being with someone and the whole getting married and all idea, and we both were not ready....she is gone now, and left me over something very trivial and it could have been worked out easily if she cared, but her actions tell me she did not want to, so I hope she gets what she wants....and yes, she told me that number ( 23 ) and it shocked me....she is the type of person who can put on a front when we were around people that she is miss personality and seems on top of things, but I knew better than most that she had extremely low self esteem and absolutely no self worth ( as evidenced by her college days ) and I felt like I could take care of her so to speak and be the person she could lean on, and all I did was fight with her due to her temper and her unhappiness with herself that she manifested into fighting about ANYTHING...it was truly unhealthy but like anyone who gets caught up in something like that, I thought I could weather it and things would end up great and wonderful, so I think everyday that her doing this may be the best thing that happened to me, even though that nagging thought of ' I wish we were still together ' still occasionally creeps back in my head. I will meet that someone one day who will be the perfect fit for me, but until then I need to take care of myself and repair the damage caused by things, you know?
Isabella82 Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 CA20, About your ex being with 23 people, I am not saying that this was okay. But I am a Senior at a University, and it almost seems quite normal. My brother has been with 60+ and although that might seem okay to some because he is a guy. It should be the same way for a girl. But unfortunately it isn't that way in our society. I mean I have this friend she is 22 and she has been with I think 18 people, her fiance has been with 85. I am not like this. But I will say that my freshman year I did a lot with a lot of people but I did not have sex if that makes sense. I think it is more common then what people think. I am not trying to defend your ex, you seem to be a decent person, but don't jugde people like that. I mean for all you know she could have been abused when she was little, and that makes people act out. I don't sleep with many people because I grew up with 2 older brothers who told me very young about guys and sex and everything. It just seems like its okay for guys to be like that but not girls. But anyway back to the main topic. I also had to do the samething, make a list of the things I hated about my ex. But it took me a while, because I loved him so much, that I accepted him for all of his faults. There are two that stick out most, after everything was over I realized how much he lied during the whole relationship, (found out from my parents) and two how much money he spend on his race car, showed me he wasn't ready to grow up, and that if we ever did marry it would always be a problem. I come from a very poor family, and I work full time and go to school full time, so I know what money is worth. I am a saver, i mean I go out, but I save what I can, he is a spender, he spends $20,000+ on his race car and then sells in for $11,000 so he can start all over for his "new project" Yeah drove me nuts, and first I thought wow my boyfriend has a nice car! But that faded real fast, I am not a person to be with someone because of their status or their car. I wanted him to be more responsible and save for our future.
Author CA20 Posted December 27, 2004 Author Posted December 27, 2004 I see where you are coming from....I honestly do, and I never, not once judged her because of that. all I did was love her, and I never brought it up...and yeah, it may seem normal...I mean I went to The University of Florida, and I had my share too, so I am not judging, but in my opinion, it shows a lack of self respect to sleep around like that in only a short time.....one night stands all the time are not normal, college or not....to have slept with people is in school...I have been there, but she even told me she was known as a '' good time girl '' and that was ok with her...I listened, understood, and dropped it....I never held it over her head....and no, she grew up in a happy home..I know her parents very well and she has 2 other sister who did not act out like she did when they went to school, so it tells me, as did other things she told me, that she has issues she needs to work through....I am in no way jumping on you or anything at all...I appreciate your response! its just that I knew her and she has some things she needs to work out...she has a massive inferiority complex, and I don't know why...she is a beautiful person, and as she told me, I think she slept with so many ' perfect strangers' as a way of getting some type of affection or love....she said that, not me.....so thats all really...I did not judge, I just felt like when she told me, that it took away from the special thing that we had....in her eyes it did not, but I felt like I was just another guy after she told me that....you know?
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