What a dumper feels.

[forgetmenot75]

I'm a dumper. And I was a dumpee too. But now I am a dumper.

 

DUMPEE:

 

My ex husband is begging me to love him. He's desperate to restart our relationship again.

He cries. He gets angry with me. He begs. He asks me if I love him twenty times a day. He's starting counseling because he cannot let me go. He punishes me for not replying as he wants me to do. He's obsessed.

 

DUMPER:

 

Me. I don't love him anymore. I told him so, but I feel so guilty because I know he's suffering. I don't want to talk to him, still I have to because I feel sad for him. He calls me al the time, and I reply because I know he's suffering.

I give him breadcrumbs because I think he'll feel better.

I want him to move on. I want him to stop obsessing with me.

I want him to be happy. I care for him. I just don;t love him anymore.

He can't do anything to change this even if I force myself, I can't love him again. I want him as a friend.

I feel miserable because of this situation. I'm suffering too, but not because I love him. I'm suffering because I don't want to hurt him anymore.

 

Seeing things from the other side opened my eyes. this is so extremely painful for both parts. I realized I'm in a place where I can separate my feelings, which he can't. He's immerse in a sea of emotions, he's angry, sad, depressed, then happy when I give him a breadcrumb, then angry again because it's not enough for him.

[Zahara]

If you don't want to hurt him, don't give him breadcrumbs. It doesn't make him feel better, and if it does, it's temporary. Crumbs just keeps his hope burning. He needs to kill that hope and attachment. That would mean he has to go cold turkey NC with you. The best thing you can do to help him feel better in the long run, is to grant him that. It may hurt him now, but it is what he needs to get to the other side. He can't deal with grieving, accepting the loss and moving forward if you're still there enabling his dependence on you.

[forgetmenot75]

If you don't want to hurt him, don't give him breadcrumbs. It doesn't make him feel better, and if it does, it's temporary. Crumbs just keeps his hope burning. He needs to kill that hope and attachment. That would mean he has to go cold turkey NC with you. The best thing you can do to help him feel better in the long run, is to grant him that. It may hurt him now, but it is what he needs to get to the other side. He can't deal with grieving, accepting the loss and moving forward if you're still there enabling his dependence on you.

 

Just posted this for others to see how it feels to be a dumper. some ask if the dumper remembers the dumpee. answer is yes.

Some ask if the dumper hurts. answer is yes.

some ask if the dumper cares, answer is yes.

 

I just want him to be happy and let me alone.

 

Just to a different extent, but this is equally painful.

[Zahara]

My ex-husband is in the same boat. It is equally painful.

 

Just responding in terms of his suffering and relation to crumbs. We know how crumbs hurt us as dumpees, just as it keeps on hurting your ex-husband.

 

I think he can't leave you alone because he wants you. You have to do that for him by going NC.

[LimboDancer]

forgetmenot75, As a dumpee I peruse this website on a daily basis to find strength to leave my ex alone and to move on. This is one of the most helpful posts I've found here ever. My thread is like so many others here - struggling to let go but can't. In part, due to breadcrumbs - albeit very likely misinterpreted breadcrumbs.

 

Thank you for this post. It provides incredible perspective. Even if you consider your ex the most evil person on the planet, standing in their shoes for a moment helps so much.

 

Although my body and soul still screams against it, this will help me move through another day and take another step towards what needs to be done - letting her go.

[forgetmenot75]

I'm so glad, Limbodancer. I wanted to give some perspective so dumpees can understand that nothing they do it'll change dumpers feelings.

[reddragon588]

This was really helpful, thank you for sharing. If you don't mind me asking, how long did you feel this way before ending it?

 

Also, I agree that it may be time to go NC and end giving him breadcrumbs. As you know, this only stokes the fire and will let him retain hope.

[forgetmenot75]

Reddragon, this was a long process for me. i stopped loving him long ago, very long ago, more than one year ago. But since we've been together for so long, I didn't want to hurt him. We've been separated for some months now, still he cannot let me go.

Not giving breadcrumbs is difficult as I still care for him, I understand though that this is hurting him more than helping.

[forgetmenot75]

this is another example for you guys.

 

Yesterday I agreed to meet him, even though I didn't want to hear his sorrow anymore, and I'm so tired of all this. He cannot understand I stopped loving him. He looked at me with tearful eyes. He cried. He tried to kiss me. He wanted me to say I loved him. I couldn't

I feel miserable because he's hurting so much. I just don't know what to do with his emotional charge, and I feel drained. I wish he could move on.

[organizedchaos]

this is another example for you guys.

 

Yesterday I agreed to meet him, even though I didn't want to hear his sorrow anymore, and I'm so tired of all this. He cannot understand I stopped loving him. He looked at me with tearful eyes. He cried. He tried to kiss me. He wanted me to say I loved him. I couldn't

I feel miserable because he's hurting so much. I just don't know what to do with his emotional charge, and I feel drained. I wish he could move on.

 

What happened that lead to this?

 

He won't move on until you cease all contact with him.

[xUnknown]

forgetmenot75, As a dumpee I peruse this website on a daily basis to find strength to leave my ex alone and to move on. This is one of the most helpful posts I've found here ever. My thread is like so many others here - struggling to let go but can't. In part, due to breadcrumbs - albeit very likely misinterpreted breadcrumbs.

 

Thank you for this post. It provides incredible perspective. Even if you consider your ex the most evil person on the planet, standing in their shoes for a moment helps so much.

 

Although my body and soul still screams against it, this will help me move through another day and take another step towards what needs to be done - letting her go.

 

Call me being cold and selfish...

 

Granted, that this did give me better insight to how the dumper feels, I still feel like the dumpee feels worse overall. The dumper knew what they were going to do, they were prepared...it hits the dumper all at once, especially if things come out of the blue. I know its because this is my situation, and frankly, I don't care if she is/was (but more likely is) hurting, because I feel like I was blindsided...its my time to be selfish because that is what she was, so the feelings the she (dumper) is feeling deserves these feelings because that is the course of action she chose to take.

 

When I say "She" above, I mean my ex...not you Forgetmenot...please don't get that misconstrued.

I understand that the dumper hurts, but that is the action that they chose to take...their feelings are due to their course of actions. The dumper, (I feel) hurts more because their love is still there. Their heart is broken. Sure, the dumper's heart is broken, but it was all about them in the first place.

 

Again, this is not all scenarios. I'm just relating that to mine. We broke up quite amicably...and it took every in me to take the breakup like a man, not break down infront of her, agree with everything...as much as it hurt, I can't change her mind...the dumper wants the dump, the dumpee can't do a thing about it.

[Zahara]

this is another example for you guys.

 

Yesterday I agreed to meet him, even though I didn't want to hear his sorrow anymore, and I'm so tired of all this. He cannot understand I stopped loving him. He looked at me with tearful eyes. He cried. He tried to kiss me. He wanted me to say I loved him. I couldn't

I feel miserable because he's hurting so much. I just don't know what to do with his emotional charge, and I feel drained. I wish he could move on.

 

He can't move on if you are enabling him to be dependent on you. I hate to be harsh but you know how this works. You have been the dumpee and you know that NC is the only thing that will allow him to move on. Not just wishing for him to move on but doing what YOU need to do to help him move on and that is cold turkey NC. You see how dumpees suffer when the dumper throws a crumb.

 

If you truly want him to heal and move forward, you would cease contact. Anything other than that is just leading him on.

[forgetmenot75]

Call me being cold and selfish...

 

Granted, that this did give me better insight to how the dumper feels, I still feel like the dumpee feels worse overall. The dumper knew what they were going to do, they were prepared...it hits the dumper all at once, especially if things come out of the blue. I know its because this is my situation, and frankly, I don't care if she is/was (but more likely is) hurting, because I feel like I was blindsided...its my time to be selfish because that is what she was, so the feelings the she (dumper) is feeling deserves these feelings because that is the course of action she chose to take.

 

When I say "She" above, I mean my ex...not you Forgetmenot...please don't get that misconstrued.

I understand that the dumper hurts, but that is the action that they chose to take...their feelings are due to their course of actions. The dumper, (I feel) hurts more because their love is still there. Their heart is broken. Sure, the dumper's heart is broken, but it was all about them in the first place.

 

Dumpers heart is not broken. I am not in the same place as the dumpee. I know I don't love him. I don't want to kiss him (I still could, but I feel nothing), I don't want to have sex (I could, but it'd be strictly sexual, and honestly, I'm not interested. I know what he has to give, I'm not interested in what he has to offer me anymore).

Still, falling out of love is not something I've chosen, nor something I could change. even if I force myself to love him, I can't

[forgetmenot75]

He can't move on if you are enabling him to be dependent on you. I hate to be harsh but you know how this works. You have been the dumpee and you know that NC is the only thing that will allow him to move on. Not just wishing for him to move on but doing what YOU need to do to help him move on and that is cold turkey NC. You see how dumpees suffer when the dumper throws a crumb.

 

If you truly want him to heal and move forward, you would cease contact. Anything other than that is just leading him on.

 

Oh, not my intention to ask for advice on this, though I really appreciate advice with my other little problem you know what I'm talking about.

It's hard to stop contact, since I care for him and I only wish we couldl hang out without feelings being involved. I'm selfish.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh, not my intention to ask for advice on this, though I really appreciate advice with my other little problem you know what I'm talking about.

It's hard to stop contact, since I care for him and I only wish we couldl hang out without feelings being involved. I'm selfish.

 

Well, you have to stop immediately. You are torturing the guy even more. It'll likely take years for the two of you to ever be able to hang out without feelings, if ever.

[xUnknown]

Dumpers heart is not broken. I am not in the same place as the dumpee. I know I don't love him. I don't want to kiss him (I still could, but I feel nothing), I don't want to have sex (I could, but it'd be strictly sexual, and honestly, I'm not interested. I know what he has to give, I'm not interested in what he has to offer me anymore).

Still, falling out of love is not something I've chosen, nor something I could change. even if I force myself to love him, I can't

 

I meant the DUMPEE*** I miss typed that.

I understand that the dumper hurts, but that is the action that they chose to take...their feelings are due to their course of actions. The dumpee (I feel) hurts more because their love is still there. Their heart is broken. Sure, the dumper's heart is hurting, but it was all about them in the first place.

 

--Edited to correct mistake

Edited November 15, 2013 by xUnknown

[Zahara]

Oh, not my intention to ask for advice on this, though I really appreciate advice with my other little problem you know what I'm talking about.

It's hard to stop contact, since I care for him and I only wish we couldl hang out without feelings being involved. I'm selfish.

 

You know what, Forget. I hate to be harsh but I'm going to just say this.

 

You had an affair while married to your husband. That in itself was selfish.

 

Now you act this way and say that it is hard to stop contact because you care for him and that you wish you could hang out without feelings? Selfish again?

 

When does the welfare of your ex-husband take priority over what you selfishly want?

 

What you are doing is wrong. You had no care for the feelings of your husband when you were cheating on him but now you do, especially now even when you know that your needs should be taking a step back, and HIS needs should be of priority.

 

It's good to hear you acknowledge that you are selfish. As much as you preach on LS about cheaters/selfish dumpers and sad dumpees that lap it all up, you aren't any different, are you? Selfish because you want your ex-husband in your life on your terms.

 

I have a feeling that you are doing this because again, you need attention. It isn't because you care about him, because if you did, you wouldn't be selfish. You would put him first.

[me85]

I think you should have that final conversation over the phone. Tell him you wish him all of the best but that you can not speak to him anymore.

 

Let that be that. It will hurt him. He will cry. I know this because I cried too but you need to be brutally honest. Tell him you DO NOT love him anymore.

 

I resent my ex becuase he probably had the same thought process as you but told me he "loved me very much" ... "we don't know what the future will hold" blah blah blah...

 

It's a whole lot easier and better for us as dumpees just to hear the truth flat out. I mean, why not? We've already been dumped. Obviously they don't have strong enough feelings for us so just be an adult and SAY IT then let me live my life in happiness. Don't try to be our friend. WE DON'T WANT THAT. At least not for a long time.

 

I've been a dumper too. Never married though.

 

You obviously feel a lot of guilt but do the right thing and completely detatch.

 

This is only prolonging his pain & your guilt.

 

Life's too short.

 

Say goodbye.

Edited November 15, 2013 by me85

[forgetmenot75]

Zahara, you hate to be harsh, yet you are...specially with me. I still care about you have to say, and appreciate it.

Yes, you know my story, but only 75% of it. It wasn't the intention to get advice here, I only wanted to give some input about the dumpers feelings after the breakup. It's hard to break contact with a person you've loved for so long. It's a painful process, I'm not ready to cut off contact with him. I think about him, I'm probably not doing things right, but I myself have been in a rollercoaster the last months. I do what I can.

[Simon Phoenix]

Zahara, you hate to be harsh, yet you are...specially with me. I still care about you have to say, and appreciate it.

Yes, you know my story, but only 75% of it. It wasn't the intention to get advice here, I only wanted to give some input about the dumpers feelings after the breakup. It's hard to break contact with a person you've loved for so long. It's a painful process, I'm not ready to cut off contact with him. I think about him, I'm probably not doing things right, but I myself have been in a rollercoaster the last months. I do what I can.

 

You have to. There's no wiggle room or grey area here. Keeping in contact with him is cruel if you have no intention of getting back.

[Zahara]

DUMPER:

 

Me. I don't love him anymore. I told him so, but I feel so guilty because I know he's suffering. I don't want to talk to him, still I have to because I feel sad for him. He calls me al the time, and I reply because I know he's suffering.

I give him breadcrumbs because I think he'll feel better.

I want him to move on. I want him to stop obsessing with me.

I want him to be happy. I care for him. I just don;t love him anymore.

He can't do anything to change this even if I force myself, I can't love him again. I want him as a friend.

I feel miserable because of this situation. I'm suffering too, but not because I love him. I'm suffering because I don't want to hurt him anymore..

 

I hate to be harsh but it won't stop me from pointing it out. And I think you skating around it because it suits your purpose is something that I felt needed to be said.

 

It's fine to give your perspective on how dumpers feel. No one said it was wrong. You posted about how you are handling your ex-husband. It opens to posters posting why what you are doing is wrong.

 

It's hard to break contact with someone you loved for so long? You said in your post you don't love him anymore, several times. YOu said you don't even want to talk to him. You however do care for him, but you actually care for yourself, your pains and your needs more than you do for him. It's pretty clear.

 

YOU yourself have been on a rollercoaster for months? Yes, battling trying to date emotionally unavailable men while your ex-husband was pining for you. It's all about you and your issues and what you need. I even believe this an ego boost for you. You need the attention.

 

The fact that you had the audacity to claim you are selfish in dragging this man through the mud because you want him on your terms, it's hard for me to ever read your advice advocating for dumpees to stand strong against cheaters, selfish dumpers and breadcrumbs. You've just proven that you are no different.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Zahara

[LimboDancer]

It's hard to break contact with a person you've loved for so long. It's a painful process, I'm not ready to cut off contact with him. I think about him, I'm probably not doing things right, but I myself have been in a rollercoaster the last months. I do what I can.

 

Your behavior has an uncanny resemblance to that of my ex. While I greatly appreciate the insight you offered in your OP, what you are doing is a huge contributor to your ex not being able to move on. I know it because I'm experiencing the same right now!!!

 

me85 is right on!!

I resent my ex becuase he probably had the same thought process as you but told me he "loved me very much" ... "we don't know what the future will hold" blah blah blah...

 

It's a whole lot easier and better for us as dumpees just to hear the truth flat out. I mean, why not? We've already been dumped. Obviously they don't have strong enough feelings for us so just be an adult and SAY IT then let me live my life in happiness. Don't try to be our friend. WE DON'T WANT THAT. At least not for a long time.

 

You've challenged dumpees to put themselves in the dumpers shoes, but how often do the dumpers put themselves in the dumpees shoes??!!

[Am4Real]

This is not what I expected to be reading...interesting...please go on!!!

[BC1980]

Your ex husband is not in a place to be able to cut contact with you. It tooke 4 months to get up the courage to go NC because my ex still wanted to hang out, reap the benefits of a relationship, ect.

[cavalier99]

If she wants to keep contact with her EX it is her business. He is the one that allows it to happen so it is ultimalty on him to go NC.

 

I have little pity for stupid dumpees who dont go NC and allow themselves to get strung along.

 

Is she being selfish? Sure. would it be healthier for both of them if she cut contact? Of course. But this is on him in the end.

 

He is begging for contact and she is getting some sotra weird satisfaction from it so i cant blame her that much for being a typical dumper. She actually benfits from the contact and slowly feels less guilty until she cuts him loose complety. He remains miserable.

 

I personally wouldnt do this to someone but at then of the day his recovery is on him and if he wants contact he pays the consequences.

Cav

Edited November 16, 2013 by cavalier99