CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Well, here is my story about the end of my relationship that I feel I am starting to learn more and more about everyday. My Fiance ended things with me after a year and a half of a troubled relationship. We never had physical abuse or anything, but her temper and my stubbornness sometimes conflicted and we argued. a Lot. anyway, I treated her perfectly, we went to the beach all the time to get away and overall we had some really great times. She did some things that I feel would merit needing a second chance, which I gave her.. ( no cheating, but things that were very self destructive for her ) anyway, I made a mistake at the end of our relationship by lying to her. It was a lie, which is not good, but the lie itself was very minor. I told her that I had told my family we were engaged, when in fact I had told most, but not all...I had a few family members that I was trying to navigate so to speak to tell them, and at the same time, she was all over me about it demanding i tell them and I was going to. It was not that i was ashamed or not sure, it came down to trying to be tactful to these people...thats a whole other story, so I will save it. anyway, that was the first mistake I had made like that, I Never cheated, was always doing anything for her, and was by the accounts of her family, and friends, the best thing that had happened to her. well, she ended the relationship, the marriage ( which the dress, church, photographer, caterer, well, everything had been paid for ) she just cut and ran to use that term.....ended it. her explanation was she could not find it in her heart to give me a second chance....and that was that. literally. now, she said right after this had happened that she just wanted space, but she began eating lunch regularly with an old friend of hers from college named George...she said he was like her brother and she could never envision herself with him, blah, blah, blah....but I think and feel that her attitude changed so rapidly from ''we could possibly work this out'', to'' no, we are done, my heart says we are''....in the span of 3 weeks....now she has no contact and has moved in with her friend Kim from college. I have accepted everything now and I am moving on, but I cant for the life of me figure out how everything can be planned for a wedding ( that she was extremely gung ho about as was I ) and when someone who has done everything for you, and never needed a second chance on anything, who expressed his love for you in every way possible, and she did to me as well, that she can so quickly do an about face on things.....i feel that it was a minor thing, that yes she had every right to be upset, but if she was truly committed as she said, then I feel that things could have been worked out which I told her, and we could have gotten past this bumpy spot and been happy. now, she had just gotten out of college when I met her, I mean within 2 months and I think she just clinged onto me like that, and I feel that this gave her the excuse to use to find a new relationship....any thoughts? I could be wrong, but any help would be appreciated. Thanks
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by CA20 I cant for the life of me figure out how everything can be planned for a wedding ( that she was extremely gung ho about as was I ) and when someone who has done everything for you, and never needed a second chance on anything, who expressed his love for you in every way possible, and she did to me as well, that she can so quickly do an about face on things..... It probably wasn't as quick of an about face as you thought. People don't just abruptly turn off strong emotions like love. This guy George just happened to be there as her emotional attachment for you had faded. If she did/does have something going on with him - I don't think it was a case of dropping you abruptly for him. Her feelings for you must have already faded by that time. People who are in love don't just arbitrarily go looking around for new people to date. People who are deeply in love focus on the person they are with. See what I mean? By the time this guy came into the picture, she was probably already emotionally detached from you. If she is being truthful and he really is just a friend - then it could just be a case of reestablishing an old friendship for comfort - the chance to talk to someone who has no involvement with her current situation like her other friends do. My guess is that she had been emotionally backing out for a while, but out of guilt, obligation and consideration for your feelings - went through the motions anyway because it was the 'right thing to do' and she didn't want to hurt you. When it came down to the wire though - approaching the point where she couldn't get out of it, she bolted. It could be that she realized that no matter how much she tried, she couldn't find it in her to make that final step with you. For things to have worked out, she would have had to be willing to work it out with you. It sounds like all she wanted was 'out' - and found a pretty convenient excuse to bolt for the exit door. You can't fix a relationship if your partner is not willing to fix it and wants to leave you. All you can do, since she has cut you off is try to put your heart back together. One day, you'll come to realize that it was her loss - not yours.
Author CA20 Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 You are right. I appreciate your insight into this. I feel that when this happened, she was hurt obviously, but that the more she thought about it, it became a good excuse for her to use to get out of things. I told her I would do ANYTHING to make things right for us,and she knew that I had never done anything that warranted needing a second chance, and that this was by all accounts, me making a dumb mistake. Thats all it was, but she up and canceled everything we had planned and even had ready to go. ( church, photog.,dress, etc..) it was almost surreal how she reacted to everything after being so enamored with it all. I just feel that she thought about it after it happened, and she missed her 'experiences' shall I say, from college and wanted to re-live it. There was a lot of stress at the end of the relationship after it happened because she was depressed about everything and I wanted to make a realistic effort to save things, and she was not going to even make that effort...it seemed like she was set on what she wanted and was not going to budge no matter how clear it was that my 'track record' was clean and she knew I was not like that...she just put on the blinders and now here we are....she is doing what she wants now, and I feel that it may not be now, or 2 months from now, or a year, but I truly feel that one day she will step back and say to herself ' I may not have handled that right ' she is going to realize that she let a great person go because of a little hurt and a lot of pride. She really does have a lot of growing up to do, and I hope she finds what she is looking for out there, because as I said previously, she said it, her family said, even her co-workers were emailing me at work, saying ' I am what she has been looking for her whole life '. apparently not, because she is still looking. She is a very restless person as far as matters of the heart go, and I don't know if she will ever find 'it' Thanks again! Have a Merry Christmas!
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