Inovermyhead Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 As I stated in previous posts, my marriage has its troubles. One thing I am certain of is that I DO love my husband. Also, I DO have a major problem with his weight gain. In 7 years he has gone from 190 to almost 250 . Now, I realize it sounds very judgmental and superficial to make this such a big deal, but, really, it is to me. When we met, we both had strong physical attraction. Now, he is still very attracted to me, but, when I look at him, I see his fat gut. Like I said, I know that is awful, but, it's how I feel. We have talked about it. I am NEVER condescending, and don't make a joke out of it. I wouldn't do that. However, he doesn't seem to care. He says, oh well, so I'm fat. Now, I have offered to join a gym with him, tried to make a bet with him about losing the weight, told him of the health risks, but, nothing helps. This is killing our sex life. I will and do have sex with him, but, I'm just not into it anymore. Alot of times I try to make it seem as if I am enjoying myself so not to make my husband feel bad. At least one of us should be into it, right? Our other relations have always been a bit rocky, but, we have held it together. The bedroom was always our strong point, until this. It was like making love was our reconnection; not after a fight, just after the craziness of life I guess. So, last night I came home and found MANY porn sites visited. I also found a lonely housewives site that had been visited. I don't understand why he doesn't clear the cookies and/or the history so I don't see these things?? I am not sure what my POV is on the porn. I guess it's not that big of a deal. BUT, the lonely housewives site REALLY has me wondering! Is he looking? Or, does he not trust me? See, I did have issues with my ex. Not anymore. Nothing physical happened between us, so, it's not about that. Somehow, I might have thought he was an escape from my present, but, that was a farce. I don't feel like I want to look at other men. I have no interest. At the same time, I have lost physical attration towards my husband. Any input and/or advice is greatly appreciated!!
tattoomytoe Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 well how long have you 2 not had sex? maybe he is feeling pushed away, unattractive, so he is seeking visual pleasure elsewhere.
Author Inovermyhead Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 I was afraid I wasn't clear enough. It's only been a week since we have had sex. It's not like I am saying, no way, no how. I have just lost the attraction. Maybe I should add this too. Please do not compare him gaining weight to getting a terminal disease. My MIL tried that. I would NOT leave him nor hold it against him if he were to have cancer, etc. That would not be his doing. He would have no control over the outcome. However, weight is something anyone can control. I know it's not easy. I have had 3 children, and it wasn't easy for me to get to pre pregnancy weight, but, I did it. He just isn't willing to try.
Debster Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Instead of putting the pressure on him, why don't you come up with ways to help him lose weight. Cook with a cooking spray, instead of butter. Use low-fat dips/sauces instead of regular. DOn't buy the cookies, ice cream, etc. Make low-fat meals. Watch portion size. Think of activities you can do together that will help burn calories - without making it seem like working out.
Author Inovermyhead Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Thanks, Deb! I have tried all of that. He eats more than one plate at dinner. I cannot tell him, that's enough. He has to be willing to control his food intake. I also stopped buying most junk (though it's hard with 3 little ones who want cookies, lol), but, he buys it himself. I tried to switch soda for him. Instead of full calorie, full sugar cream soda, I suggested soda made with splenda (he doesn't like aspartame). Am currently trying to find a store that sells Weight Watcher's in the can. I do worry about the lonely wives site though. What was his point in going there?
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I was kinda in the same boat. Both my wife and I gained weight over the years. In our early 20's I was about 175 and she was about 125. By our late 20's early 30's I was up to 220 and she was 165. We did lose some weight...i got down to about 182 and she got to about 150. Now to our mid 30's....I gain most of mine back (202) but she continued with losing and she is down to about 135 and she looks awesome. Now, during this time....she made comments about my wieght....i knew or had the feeling she wasnt attracted to my appearance. She did not really say it, but I felt it. I want to be attractive to her....not only that, but she looks so good now, i feel like I have to get my weight back down so we can both be phyiscally attractive to each other. Its a choice I made for myself and for her. SO I am back on the plan and have started to lose some. I am down to about 185/188 wiht a goal of 175. So I guess what I am saying is......in your husbands case.....losing weight is a individual choice. You cant make him do it, he has to want to himself. Some people become complacent. But I bet deep inside, your husband does feel bad about his weight, but he may not express it. SO....find a way to tell him, that you care about his health and well being. You need to find a way to tell him that his body image is not attractive....not that you would ever leave or cheat on him....but that if he were to get back in shape, you would find him MORE attractive and pleasing to you. Tell him he'll get more nookie..hahahahaha. Seriously though...its a sensitive subject for man....but you need to tell him how you FEEL...not what you think. Dont say I think your fat.....say you that you love him, but dont feel the same physical attraction you did when he was thinner....and that if he were to work on it....then you would be more attracted to him physically. There is no easy way....and I;m not even sure if this helped you.....but for me, the subtle comments from my wife gave me the hint to get back in shape.....not only for the "attractive" purpose...but I dont wanna be 40 and fat and unhealthy.......when I get older, I wanna be a hot middle aged man...hahahahah
Ladyjane14 Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by Inovermyhead I do worry about the lonely wives site though. What was his point in going there? That's probably just curiosity. Most men are intensely curious about sex. If you ask me, I think they're just checking in to see if they're doing it right. You don't have anything to worry about unless you find out he's chatting with people he met on porn sites. Even that can be innocent, but does bear keeping an eye on.
TMCM Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 Inovermyhead, If your H has tried losing weight in the past, succeeded but failed to keep it off, he could have lost all hope and now views anymore attempts as nothing more than an exercise in futility. Probably the best way for him to lose weight is to set a realistic goal of losing a few pounds [5-10 lbs] in a one month period. If he achieves this, it may give him the encouragement he needs to repeat the procedure over and over again. Remember that success builds on success. As far as the porn thing is concerned, you could use it to your advantage by saying to him that women, in general, are attracted to a kind and loving man who takes care of his health and body, including those so called 'lonely wives' and leave him alone to ponder your words. He may come to the conclusion that you are right, that women are NOT going to be attracted to a man who has physically let himself go to pot, and finally decide to take your advice to lose the excess weight that has made him look unattractive. Good luck. TMCM
Mr Spock Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 This is interesting-if you were a man complaining about your wife you'd be getting shot down in flames at the moment. What can you do? Nothing really. He'll lose the weight if and when he wants to. Is it fair to you to suffer through sex while you're not attracted to someone? No. But if you love him you do it (and you are). It sounds to me like the porn is him shutting himself away from reality. In porn, he's not a big fat chunk of lard he's the M A N. I would suggest that the two of you see a marriage counsellor. You need to explain to him that you feel the relationship is entering a danger zone (and it is. This problem is a set up for infidelity) and there are issues that you need to work on together. Do not mention weight to him, tell the counsellor. Please, if you love your husband and value your marriage seek out the advice of a professional. This is a cross roads that could end up strengthening your relationship as you work the issue out together or destroying it by choosing to do nothing. You can't control this-it's something he needs to work out on his own. If you don't, you'll lose him because it WILL kill your love-how the heck can you expect your relationship to survive if you're not getting your needs met? Not everyone is Hokey, and can cut that part out of their lives.
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