milkbomb Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I’ve had an on again, off again relationship with the same guy for approximately 2-3 years. At the very beginning of our rocky relationship, I discovered him cheating on me with another girl. This started a relationship of patterned, varied fidelity (on both parts), due to trust and jealousy issues. We split last November, but have remained in contact in varying degrees. Around 2 months ago, we discussed and agreed to try to rebuild trust and work on getting where we needed to be to treat each other well and have a good relationship. Recently, I noticed 2 things: one, that he remains friends with his ex (one of the girls he was texting things like, I’m thinking about ****ing you, I want to be there to rub your feet when you get home, etc), on Facebook and has some level of interaction with her there. I’ve expressed how uncomfortable this makes me, and he reacts mostly with anger that I would be bothered by something as silly as Facebook. I reason that if it’s silly, and if that relationship means nothing, it should be an easy choice. Am I being controlling by expecting him to end that relationship in order to build one with me? Additionally, I found out this past weekend that he invited and took another female on a trip out of town. There were also other guys going, so it wasn’t just the two of them, but it still doesn’t sit well with me. I knew he was going to this festival out of town, and he didn’t ever mention she was there with him, or going with them, except for in this text exchange Saturday night. Him: People we know are already showing up Me: Yeah? Like who? Him: Andy, Lisa, and Jennifer are here. Me: oh, ok. Cool. I knew Jennifer to be a girl he admitted he had some dirty talk exchanges with, supposedly prior to meeting me. I asked a mutual friend to look at her Facebook (I don’t have one) and discovered that she went with this guy and his friends, and this guy was picking her up at a certain time. I feel his description was intentionally misleading, perhaps so he could later have an out if I discovered she had been there by allowing him to say he had told me. He became very upset that I would check into it before directly asking him, and was angry that I was mistrustful, but I feel like no one would say, “showed up” and include a person who came with them in that list. I’ve second-guessed myself for the duration of this relationship, so I need some outside input (honest outside input) to the reasonability of my expectations. I feel like these behaviors are disrespectful if he wants to sleep with me, say he cares about and loves me, and wants to rebuild a relationship. When these issues come up, he points to my behavior about them as the reason he won’t commit or have a real relationship with me, but I feel like that may be an excuse to continue this “relationship” on his terms. All answers much appreciated.
pteromom Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 one, that he remains friends with his ex (one of the girls he was texting things like, I’m thinking about ****ing you, I want to be there to rub your feet when you get home, etc), on Facebook and has some level of interaction with her there. I’ve expressed how uncomfortable this makes me, and he reacts mostly with anger that I would be bothered by something as silly as Facebook. I reason that if it’s silly, and if that relationship means nothing, it should be an easy choice. Am I being controlling by expecting him to end that relationship in order to build one with me? Yes, that is controlling. The issue isn't whether she is his Facebook friend or not. The issue is - can you trust him? If you can trust him, it won't matter who his FB friends are, because he won't be doing anything inappropriate. If you can't trust him, well, you have a bigger issue than this girl. You can never control someone's environment enough to prevent them from cheating. If he is going to cheat again, he will, even if you are watching everything he does and spending all your energy trying to build a fence around him. Additionally, I found out this past weekend that he invited and took another female on a trip out of town. There were also other guys going, so it wasn’t just the two of them, but it still doesn’t sit well with me. Again - it doesn't sit well with you because you know he's a risk. I’ve second-guessed myself for the duration of this relationship, so I need some outside input (honest outside input) to the reasonability of my expectations. I feel like these behaviors are disrespectful if he wants to sleep with me, say he cares about and loves me, and wants to rebuild a relationship. When these issues come up, he points to my behavior about them as the reason he won’t commit or have a real relationship with me, but I feel like that may be an excuse to continue this “relationship” on his terms. All answers much appreciated. Yes, his behaviors are disrespectful. That he has cheated on you is disrespectful. That he has dirty talked with his friends is disrespectful. If he was a trustworthy guy, then it wouldn't matter if he had female friends at all. I agree with you that he's likely turning your behavior back on you in an effort to keep having the freedom to do what he's doing. But again, you can't box him in and expect him to turn into Mr. Faithful, because he isn't, and he's proved it multiple times.
Angry bird Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I would leave that alone, he needs to grow up and not play games.
Author milkbomb Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Yes, his behaviors are disrespectful. That he has cheated on you is disrespectful. That he has dirty talked with his friends is disrespectful. I agree with you that he's likely turning your behavior back on you in an effort to keep having the freedom to do what he's doing. I have a hard time reconciling that you say both that my behavior is controlling and at the same time he's being disrespectful. I don't mean this as a contradiction, only asking to gain understanding. It seems being controlling means trying to regulate behavior that isn't unacceptable. The two things I mentioned, to me, seem unacceptable. Or is it just that while it's controlling, the reason I'm being that way is a red flag response to disrespect?
Author milkbomb Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I would leave that alone, he needs to grow up and not play games. Is it reasonable to assume it is games, and not just him avoiding true commitment until I "treat him right" by trusting him, as he claims is the case?
pteromom Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I have a hard time reconciling that you say both that my behavior is controlling and at the same time he's being disrespectful. I don't mean this as a contradiction, only asking to gain understanding. It seems being controlling means trying to regulate behavior that isn't unacceptable. The two things I mentioned, to me, seem unacceptable. Or is it just that while it's controlling, the reason I'm being that way is a red flag response to disrespect? I don't think his having female friends is disrespectful. I think his cheating on you and sex-talking his female friends is disrespectful. You cannot regulate behavior of another adult. I know my spouse won't cheat (and if he did, I would be OK because I wouldn't want to be wasting my time with a cheater anyway). He's gone out of town with groups of friends that included females, he's got tons of female friends he talks to online, and I have no need to regulate his behavior because I trust him.
Author milkbomb Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I don't think his having female friends is disrespectful. I think his cheating on you and sex-talking his female friends is disrespectful. You cannot regulate behavior of another adult. I know my spouse won't cheat (and if he did, I would be OK because I wouldn't want to be wasting my time with a cheater anyway). He's gone out of town with groups of friends that included females, he's got tons of female friends he talks to online, and I have no need to regulate his behavior because I trust him. I don't feel like people in relationships can't have friends of the opposite sex, though I do feel like inviting and going on overnighters together might a stretch. Where is the line drawn? People are people, and things happen. From playing fast and loose with expectations of behavior of people in relationships in my past marriage, I have a slightly different opinion on how people in relationships might be better safe than sorry in some situations. That said, I don't feel like behavior should be regulated in most cases. But you keep making reference to this situation compared to yours. It sounds like you have had no fidelity or trust issues in your relationship with your spouse. It doesn't sound like there's much relatable experience. Obviously, my guy did cheat. Obviously, there are trust issues. The goal of my post was more to see if my behavior or expectations were reasonable considering our relationship and circumstances, or purely if someone could relate and advise me to cut this one loose vs alter my behavior and expectations.
pteromom Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 But you keep making reference to this situation compared to yours. It sounds like you have had no fidelity or trust issues in your relationship with your spouse. It doesn't sound like there's much relatable experience. Obviously, my guy did cheat. Obviously, there are trust issues. Yes, I did refer to my situation, but it was only to make a point. I don't think our situations are the same at all. The goal of my post was more to see if my behavior or expectations were reasonable considering our relationship and circumstances, or purely if someone could relate and advise me to cut this one loose vs alter my behavior and expectations. OK, then I would cut him loose. I don't think there's any scenario where he's going to agree with your behavior and expectations about this. If he does, it will be a lie.
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