sportygirl Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Hello - first post here so please be kind :-) I'm trying this online approach as I don't want to burden my friends with my 'guy' talk.... so my question is how do I be friends with a guy I once had deep feelings for? I'm battling with myself here as I know its just friendship on the cards for him, and I'd rather have him as a mate than nothing, but I find it hard sometimes to hear him talk about a life he doesn't really want me to be a part of... well not in the same way as I would! So a little history - we only dated for 3 months, but it was a fairly intense 3 months and we were good friends for a year before. What ended it for us was that an ex-girlfriend of his came back with news she was expecting a baby. He was an overthinking kind of guy and couldn't cope with trying to start a relationship whilst getting his head around being a dad. So he decided it was best for us to stop things before we both got hurt. Months on, the baby has arrived, he's settling into fatherhood now and maintains a friendship with the baby's mother. He also messages me every day just general chat like a friend would. He always initates this, but never agrees to actually meet up (and no - I'm not the pressuring / nagging kind!). The problem I find is that I find it still breaks me up a little when I hear about his new life... and I can't understand why he'd want to keep in contact if he never wants to meet.... surely that would be weird in a regluar friendship? I just hate feeling so low and I guess it makes me feel completely unwanted - I've not got the highest confidence, though no-one would know this from the outside. Trouble is no matter how much I try and distance my feelings - I always get pulled right back every time he messages.... I don't know how to get past this feeling of sadness. I've tried dating others, but he's the only one that seems to understand me.... I know that sounds lame, but its the truth (I'm 27 btw - he was only my 3rd boyfriend, and the shortest relationship, but the one I felt I could be 'me' in). Sorry for the long post - just kind of lost on how to get out of this cycle... and I don't want to lose him entirely. but I just don't know how to shake the feelings.
Author sportygirl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I should add that I've tried keeping my distance / keeping messages short, but it does stop or slow down the comms from him... and I'd feel childish asking him to keep out of contact for a bit. I think the hard part is that I know he must be a great dad to the little one, and I feel like I'm missing out somehow.... even though its not my life to be missing out on.
CarrieT Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I am friends with almost all of my Ex's and I can tell you that the ONLY way you can be friends with an Ex is to have enough time apart to NOT have romantic feelings for them. As long as you still have romantic feelings for the guy, you can never be "just mates." You will always wonder and question what could have been... It is only after the heart has healed from that loss that you can re-address those initial feelings of caring that the friendship can exist. Don't feel childish for asking for No Contact. Tell him that seeing him hurts you too much and you need the space apart from him to heal. It is not childish - it is mature and adult of you to do that. 2
Philosoraptor Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 You need to go NC and lose the feelings before you can have a real friendship with this person. If the feelings of anything greater than friendship are there... there is always the potential of pain and suffering by maintaining contact with this person.
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 You have to lose him entirely because you want more than he can give you. Every day you see or talk to him but can't be with him is painful. Do yourself a favor & let go.
Author sportygirl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Were you ever scared that if you went NC then you wouldn't be able to re-initiate the friendship?
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 The whole point of NC is to put time, space & distance in the relationship so that you can heal. After you don't feel as bad about the break up & could emotionally handle being just friends, you may find that you are no longer interested in being friends. In the begining, want to be friends is lie people tell themselves so they don't have to admit the secretly want the other person back. 1
Author sportygirl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Thanks for your posts... it seems uanaimous... so when you have gone NC have you explained any reasoning to the ex? Or just made your responses few and further between? I guess I still just care what he thinks (which is telling)! Added complication is we have mutual friends that we're all going on holiday with in Feb... I don't want to make that wirder than it needs to be!
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Bow out of the February trip now. It will be too close quarters. You will end up being miserable & making everyone else miserable. I usually put some finality on the NC. I'd say something like I need to heal. I can't do that if you are still here. To the extent that you ever cared at all about me just stay away so I can get over you. If I was the dump-or, the conversation would be the reverse: You aren't moving on & I hate to see you in pain. I think the best thing we can do is stay away from each other -- no calls, no contact -- until the acute pain goes away. I want the best for you but this relationship isn't it.
CarrieT Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 so when you have gone NC have you explained any reasoning to the ex? Reread what I said: Tell him that seeing him hurts you too much and you need the space apart from him to heal. That is all. You don't need to explain anything else.
Author sportygirl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Really? Lose te Feb trip? Our friends don't know what went on between us... we kept it to ourselves... made sense at the time!
BC1980 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 The whole point of NC is to put time, space & distance in the relationship so that you can heal. After you don't feel as bad about the break up & could emotionally handle being just friends, you may find that you are no longer interested in being friends. In the begining, want to be friends is lie people tell themselves so they don't have to admit the secretly want the other person back. This is true. You want to hold onto anything with the secret hope he will change his mind. I did this for 4 months before if became too painful. My ex was the one who kept texting me, and it's really a lazy way to maintain what he is trying to pass off as a relationship. It's not even a real friendship. It's just him keeping his foot in the door in case he changes his mind. I say cut excess baggage loose. I hate it for you, but you can't control other people. I know you hate to loose a friend, but the alternative is pretty bad too. As long as he knows the door is ajar, he is content to maintain this farce of a friendship. Does he even call or want to meet you? If not, he is putting in bare minimal effort to keep you on the line. If we didn't have texting, would he ever make contact? Don't sell yourself short. You deserve someone who is totally in the relationship.
BC1980 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Thanks for your posts... it seems uanaimous... so when you have gone NC have you explained any reasoning to the ex? Or just made your responses few and further between? I guess I still just care what he thinks (which is telling)! Added complication is we have mutual friends that we're all going on holiday with in Feb... I don't want to make that wirder than it needs to be! I kept it short and said I needed time and space. I said I would be in contact when I felt ready. Don't get emotional. Just now out gracefully.
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Really? Lose te Feb trip? Our friends don't know what went on between us... we kept it to ourselves... made sense at the time! Good for you for not dragging all your friends into your relationship / break up. Do what is best for you but if it was me, I wouldn't want to be anywhere I would have to see my so soon EX that much that soon.
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