WiseOwl Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 When I discovered my husband was cheating, I didn't feel anything. I lost all respect for him in an instant and never looked back. I don't understand wanting to be with a deceitful person. I'm glad I found out and have moved on. I also never blamed the OW. I think a lot of men who have one gf on the side, have many. My ex husband had 4-5 going at the same time plus prostitutes. He was home every day right after work from a 9-5 job. When I found his texts and chat logs, he made each of these women feel like they were the only one, they were beautiful and sexy,............he would basically copy and paste the same info onto the next one. "Good morning sexy" or, "can't stop thinking of you, not getting any work done"..... Generic texts or chats that could be for anyone. You might think your relationship with your MM is special but I assure you, it's not always the case. You are in a relationship with a liar and a person capable of deceiving those closest to them so make sure you get regularly tested for STD's and try not to buy into the stories they know you want to hear. I had no knowledge I was in a relationship with a professional liar but you as OW or OM do. This is very unhealthy and can't lead to anything substantial. There are good people in this world. If they wanted to be with you 100%, they would. You should really put yourself first. I am, for the first time, putting myself first, and it is the best and most freeing feeling in the world. It's a great place to be. I would rather have this freedom than all the money in the world! 5
skywriter Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Thank you for sharing your story here WiseOwl and I am happy for you that you were strong and wise enough to get out of such a toxic marriage. It's hard to be strong when you love someone and believed you were in it for the long haul, but, as you said, he wasn't even who you thought you loved anyway. That's scarey, being married to a stranger. It makes my stomach nausiated thinking about how you must have felt when you saw those text messages to other women. It had to make any words that left his mouth absolutley uncredible. I just hope it doesn't cause you to have trust issues and not open your heart to someone trustworthy and loving in the future. You definitly deserve that after your surviving your exhusband.
Author WiseOwl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Thanks Skywriter, yes, I am totally fine. I was reading posts about OW and OM and some are so desperate and lonely and narrowly focused. My post was just kind of a heads up to all the other women/men that this liar and cheater you are with most likely doesn't have the intentions you hoped and are longing for. Give yourself better. No matter if you are a BS or OW or OM, if feels great to give yourself better. 3
JamesM Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 First off, are you really doing better? Not long ago you were looking to get into an affair with an ex. Is that over? Second, yes, I think many MM/MW are good at lying. BUT I think the reason they are good is not just them. It is also that their betrayed spouses are unsuspecting and trusting. This is a virtue that is taken advantage of by the cheating spouse. Truthfully, many of the cheaters would be caught if the trusting spouses took a moment to listen to their gut or instincts. Third, HOW did your husband conduct that many affairs while only having a day job with no extra hours? You mentioned that it was through the internet, but was "that all" that it was? When did he find the time? I feel for you. Your husband took much away from you and the biggest thing is probably the ability to ever trust another man again so deeply. 2
goodyblue Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Meh. All relationships are different and lumping all MM into one category is a mistake. Some of us on this forum are happily married to our MM, and trust abounds in our relationships. I am glad you are happier now though. We all deserve peace. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 All I can say is WOW. First of all, when did he have the time for all of this - especially since you say he was home after work. It's hard enough with one, but many? I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It, unfortunately, shows his view of women is not very good. 1
JamesM Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Meh. All relationships are different and lumping all MM into one category is a mistake. True. I think we can all agree that in order to conduct an affair means that the person must be capable of lying convincingly to at least the BS. Some of us on this forum are happily married to our MM, and trust abounds in our relationships. With all due respect, in many/most marriages, the BS would have said the same thing before discovering the affair. It is well known that crossing the line one time makes it easier the next time. While I do understand why people get into affairs, I think by definition, all affairs must be built on lies of either commission and/or omission. This means that the WS needs to be capable of saying one thing to the face of his current spouse while saying something different to the face of his AP. Since about 10% of all affairs end in a marriage of the affair partners, then one has to consider that perhaps those few DO actually build a new relationship on some sort of trust.
Author WiseOwl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 My husband did all his "business" on his lunch hour. I could never understand why he didn't answer his phone when I would call. He would also go out one in a while on Friday nights to "watch the neighbor bowl". I never had an affair with anyone before, during, or after my marriage so clean conscious for me. I did have an old ex-boyfriend curious but after a few exchanges, it was a turn off. My point is, anyone can be blindsided. Just because you are the OW, does not mean you are the only OW. You have to have a lot of trust to think you are the only other woman and that it is difficult because your lover already lies. If you don't think he or she lies to you, you are fooling yourself. I'm sure all my husband's girlfriends thought they were the only one. I'm sure they believed everything he said about himself and the details of his marriage. He was lying to them. I don't miss my husband at all. I thought I would miss the money but I don't even miss that. I gave up my beautiful home too. I have a modest life now in a cute condo and I have not dated. I probably have built walls but I am having fun doing things with friends and I am still a mom so I'm constantly busy. I thought it would be much harder but it is not. My ex husband is a decent father but I know the next woman he is with will be lied too at the very least. It's just who he is. 1
Cocochai Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) It's so amazing to me how the MW feels and see's the signs and still chooses to ignore that their Husband maybe cheating on them. Can I asks whose at fault? The person who knows and allows it but continuing to still be involved with a Cheater or the cheater??? I applaud you for leaving OP Edited November 15, 2013 by Cocochai
Mount Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I had gut feeling from the first day, that the MM is the veteran but he denied all along. You are an exceptional woman that not in denial, as my another post pointed out, the MM's wife would choose to believe, as least going along with the life being with MM that keeps her in deceiving. All I can say she is a great woman with BIG heart. I admit I could not do that. My husband did all his "business" on his lunch hour. I could never understand why he didn't answer his phone when I would call. He would also go out one in a while on Friday nights to "watch the neighbor bowl". I never had an affair with anyone before, during, or after my marriage so clean conscious for me. I did have an old ex-boyfriend curious but after a few exchanges, it was a turn off. My point is, anyone can be blindsided. Just because you are the OW, does not mean you are the only OW. You have to have a lot of trust to think you are the only other woman and that it is difficult because your lover already lies. If you don't think he or she lies to you, you are fooling yourself. I'm sure all my husband's girlfriends thought they were the only one. I'm sure they believed everything he said about himself and the details of his marriage. He was lying to them. I don't miss my husband at all. I thought I would miss the money but I don't even miss that. I gave up my beautiful home too. I have a modest life now in a cute condo and I have not dated. I probably have built walls but I am having fun doing things with friends and I am still a mom so I'm constantly busy. I thought it would be much harder but it is not. My ex husband is a decent father but I know the next woman he is with will be lied too at the very least. It's just who he is.
Author WiseOwl Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 I never knew and never ignored. I was totally blindsided. I separated two weeks after I found everything out. I am aware of a man who let's his wife cheat because he is too embarrassed that if he divorces his wife, people will find out his wife is cheating. Utterly ridiculous! 1
PoohGirl90 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I think you're absolutely right! That "well he'd never cheat on me," mentality is so sickening. Wake up, people! Good for you WiseOwl for getting out of that! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I had the miniature version of this with my husband. I found this message to a woman he had been seeing telling her how she was his "Dream Girl." It completely shattered my heart. The next message. A copy and pasted version of the first one to the next girl he was seeing. In a messed-up way that made it better. He also showed me the website he copied-and-pasted it from. Voila, instant romance! 1
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