next? After first date he agreed to me then left me waiting

[ldrgirl000]

We went on a first date. It was really nice, I didn't want it to end.

 

He told me, I could come to his faculty, study with him so he can help me to find some helpful materials there. So we agreed to meet for the second time. He seems to like me but he acts very cool around me.

 

But something really came up (I had to help my mum), I text him to rearrange our meet up. He said 'okay' but didn't say which date we could meet'. I have been waiting for 3 days after that 'okay'.

 

I really need his help and I like him too. So I want to see him and really need to see him. But I don't know if I should text or call or Facebook so I don't seem desperate.

 

Actually I cancelled our first date once, but he didn't get upset. He even asked me once again and volunteer to pick me up even though I live really far from him. After the first date, he told me to call him sometimes to hang out.

 

What do I do next? I have next week because I start working full time after that. I wouldn't have so much time for my thesis. I want him to volunteer to help me so we can continue to date sometimes or if he is not interested in me I could be pragmatic and be like 'You do me a favor, I do you a favor'.

[MidwestUSA]

I wouldn't normally recommend initiating a date, or 'hang out', if you want to call it that, but seeing as you rearranged one meet up and cancelled a first date, it shouldn't be out of line for you to call or text him with a very firm date, time, place to meet. He may very well think you're not all that interested. Come up with a definite plan, and ask him. Don't wait for him to 'volunteer'. Good luck!

[mammasita]

Why do you "need" his help so bad. Surely you have the resources to figure out how to do what you need to do on your own.

 

That said - sending him a text with a solid date and time that works for you is not a bad idea. If he doesn't respond then let it be.

[Lansing]

He probably was thinking "next" after you cancelled on him and already had rearranged the other meetup. Really if you cancelled you should contact him again. Don't just use him for the "help" that you need though.. Good luck!

[ldrgirl000]

First of all, thank you guys.

 

Actually, I really like him. But we started dating in a awfully busy week of mine. I tried to explain to him but I know he only hears 'busy' as an excuse. We were supposed to hang out on monday morning since we don't have class. But I got a call from a new job to start immediately.

 

The next time, he offered to come up me pick for the date. He was slightly flirting but I am really shy. He said 'you agreed to everything i said, maybe you would agree to be my gf now if I ask'. I am not good at responding to flirts.

 

When we were on his car, i mentioned what I was doing with my thesis and I was stuck in a part related to law and I don't understand it. He said he could help me to talk to his lecturers and have access to some useful stuff. I was really happy, he is the only law std that i really know.

 

I hope he would understand. He is a full time master student while I study and work. I really don't mean to use him.

 

Seriously, if he is not interested, I would definitely back off.

[CarrieT]

You cancelled a first date and then cancelled a second date. You look like a flake to him.

 

The ball is in your court. If you want to see him again, you should contact him and apologize first and then ask HIM out.

[ldrgirl000]

I guess it's too late. I texted him. We texted back and forth but I replied much faster than him. I asked him to come with me to meet the lecturer. He said he would think about that.

I asked if I can come to study with him as he said. He told me 'class ended last week'.

I know if I ask him out, he will reject me so i didn't.

 

He still replies my sms but clearly he is being mean to me. I should move on right?

Edited November 16, 2013 by ldrgirl000

[CarrieT]

I guess it's too late. I texted him, I asked him to come with me to meet the lecturer.

Not very romantic, huh?

 

I asked if I can come to study with him as he said. He told me 'class ended last week'.

Well, duh... You were just looking to use him for your gain.

 

I know if I ask him out, he will reject me so i didn't.

You DON'T know it but are assuming as such because he rejected the other things that you asked for which would benefit you. Why not ask him out on a proper date that has nothing to do with school?

 

He still replies my sms but clearly he is being mean to me.

How is he being mean? You were the one who blew him off - twice. And then only wanted to hang with him for your own selfish gains.

 

I should move on right?

Yeah - I think you should.

 

Look, you said you were interested in him, but he is not a mind-reader and wouldn't know it from your actions. All he knows is that you need help with your classes and have only been in contact with him to further that endeavor.

 

If you want to make amends, offer an apology and suggest a proper date at YOUR expense. Go the extra length and make it worth while. Then - maybe - he will reconsider.

[ldrgirl000]

Wow, hey I'm a nice girl. Maybe I messed up and made a mistake here but I am not using him.

 

I asked if i can study with him so I could be around him. But I wouldn't say it out loud.

 

I want him to come with me, so he doesn't just give me that contact of the lecturer, then I can't see him.

 

I don't know what he wants now. Can anybody tell me I am not that evil here. I'm just doing it wrong because I am bad at flirting with guys.

[MalachiX]

Let me give you this from a guy's perspective:

 

It feels absolutely humiliating/awful to be chasing someone who doesn't seem interested in you. We're constantly told that if you a girl is really interested she will make time for you and "I'm busy" is a nice way of saying "I'm not interested." We're also aware that a girl can seem quite interested one moment and go cold shortly after without much of an explanation (I'm sure guys do this as well). Given that, continuing to pursue someone who has cancelled on you multiple times or told you she's busy multiple times feels really bad. You start to assume it's one of the following things:

 

 

a.) She's not really interested but feels awkward saying so. Thus, she keeps coming up with excuses or suggested super-casual dates (like a lecture). Thus, you feel foolish for pursuing someone who doesn't want you.

 

b.) She's interested but is flaky. She might want to spend some time with you but doesn't really prioritize going out with you. She wants you to do all the work because you're not that important.

 

c.) She doesn't really want to date you but likes the attention of texting and having you on the hook. Both genders like to use certain people to feel attractive without actually wanting any kind of relationship.

 

d.) She's seeing someone else but has you on the back-burner. Similar to (c.) this sucks and can be pretty humiliating.

 

e.) She's testing you. You may really want to go out but feels she has to make you chase her. Many guys find this game incredibly infuriating.

 

Now, I'm not accusing you of any of these things. It seems like you sincerely like this guy but are going about it the wrong way. I'm trying to give you a guy's perspective because I'm actually going through a similar thing with a girl right now.

 

Great first date. Lots of texts. But she keeps pushing back our second date (saying she's busy) despite continuing to insist she wants to go out. Last night I called and invited her out again only to be told this weekend had filled up. Assuming this was a sign of one of the above, I said, "That's a shame. Let me know if you're schedule ever clears up and maybe I'll be around." I didn't mean it to sound bitter, I just didn't want to be in the situation of chasing someone who wasn't that interested. Right after I said it, she suddenly sounded super apologetic and a little panicked. She suddenly said, "No, it doesn't mean we can't do it. We can do something during the week. It's just really hard for me to plan these things."

 

Honestly, I found the whole thing really confusing. I told her the days I tend to be free and that she should text me if one of those is open. We chatted for another few minutes then said good night. Even though I really was interested in this girl, I know that this is the last time I call her or initiate a text. Despite her insistence that she really wants to go out again, I still have trouble believing she's interested because of how she acted and because of the awkwardness of all this. Even if she does text in the next few days wanting to go out I don't know if I'm really going to be up for it. Once again, I really like her but it's actually rather hard to get excited about going out with someone again after you've been given the runaround several times. Whether they meant to or not, they sent a clear message that something is wrong and you're either being used or are not very important to them. It's kind of hard to be open and vunerable to somebody (which you have to be when you start dating); after they've made you feel that way.

 

For all I know, this guy may have just gotten his feelings hurt and is in the same place I am. He also could be a player who is now making you chase him (but I tend to doubt that).

 

If you really want to give it another try, I think you have to go a lot bigger than inviting him to a lecture. You kinda have to be the "guy" in the relationship and pursue him. Come up with a real date idea and invite him out. Romance him. I know it might sound silly but it's probably the only way he'll feel like you actually like him at this point.

 

P.S. Hope I didn't vent on you too much because of my situation. Sometimes one thinks the only positive to a bad dating experience is to inform others of it so maybe they'll be better in the same situation. Good luck

[ldrgirl000]

I feel extremely awkward now. I think I should not do anything and wait a while. Anything I try to do now, he would think I am using him, even inviting him out on a date. Even though I really want to see him again.

 

I always assumed he is a popular guy. It seems like a lot of girls like him, he has a lot of friends. I thought he is not really into me and I could just make an excuse to see him.

 

It's hard to know since it has only been one date.

 

Dating is so tricky. My ex boyfriend used to be so bold and aggressive in chasing me. I never had to do any chasing or put too much effort into getting a guy.

[CarrieT]

Can anybody tell me I am not that evil here.

You are not evil, but we are trying to tell you how you come across to this guy.

 

Wow, hey I'm a nice girl. Maybe I messed up and made a mistake here but I am not using him.

That isn't what he is going to see based on how you have told us you have been trying to contact him.

 

I asked if i can study with him so I could be around him.

What I said before: He is not a mind-reader and is probably basing his actions on YOUR actions.

 

But I wouldn't say it out loud.

Why not? Why can't you just straight-up CALL HIM (no texting!) and say, "Hey, I really would like to spend some time with you - how about we go grab a burger?"

 

I want him to come with me, so he doesn't just give me that contact of the lecturer, then I can't see him.

Manipulation tactics. You are trying to work this into another event when you need to be direct and forward. It isn't about "flirting" it is about being honest and stop this game-playing.

[ldrgirl000]

I tried again and got a 'no thanks'.

 

Thank you guys anyway. At least I got it out of my system. I can move on without feeling guilty

[ldrgirl000]

Hi guys, following that story. I think I screw up again. I really don't want to put myself in the position to ask a guy out when he shows that he is not that interested in me. I was very unsure about his feelings so I was just suggesting/ showing him signs to encourage him to ask me again.

 

So last time, on sunday morning, he initiated Facebook chat when I was wake up. So I asked if he wants to have breakfast/brunch with me. He said no thanks, he is already having it. OK! So I stopped talking to him.

 

He facebook me again yesterday to send me the documents and contact he promised.

 

I said I was sorry for acting pragmatic. I was ready to leave him alone and not bother him anymore. Then he asked my how was my job (going not so well). Then he told me he failed an very very very important exam and I remember he saying how long and how stressful it was for him, how he couldn't eat because of it.

 

I just send the '' emotion face because I don't know what else to say. He clearly feels very bad now and I don't know how to make him feel better. We don't know each other that well.

 

SO I told him I failed a job interview then I suggest if he is in the mood to go out. He hesitated so I saved my face by saying 'forget it I ever asked'.

 

He said he didn't really want to go out for the moment and he will talk to me in the next few days. And I was frustrated with the 'I will call you later'. It is just an excuse and said I won't bother him again.

 

I have my own pride. I don't want to put on hold like that. I don't know I am still so into this guy.

[Leigh 87]

Hey, if he is into you and you leave him alone, he will come around.

 

Just please forget about him for now.

 

Sometimes misundestandings happen, he may have throught you rejected HIM or that you blew him off the first time around.

 

So, there is a chance he felt rejected and he may take some time to warm to you again.

 

Your job is to leave him alone and forget about him.

 

By all means, if he initiates contact with you, talk nicely to him. Just don't suggest meeting up or hanging out... Let him come to you with that.

 

There is a chance he may still like you want ask you on another date.

 

IF he doesn't, it is safe to say he was never into you enough to bother.

 

GOod luck!

[CarrieT]

SO I told him I failed a job interview then I suggest if he is in the mood to go out. He hesitated so I saved my face by saying 'forget it I ever asked'.

That is not "saving face" - that is being VERY passive/aggressive and manipulative.

 

Please leave the guy alone and stop playing games with him.

[ldrgirl000]

That is not "saving face" - that is being VERY passive/aggressive and manipulative.

 

Please leave the guy alone and stop playing games with him.

 

Oh come on Carrie, you are being mean to me now. By now I have asked twice. What do I do? Throw myself to this guy? I said I appreciated his help and apologize for my behavior. Then I stopped talking to him to leave him alone. And he was the one keeping the conversation going. It's like he doesn't want me to leave completely but also he doesn't really want to go out with me now.

 

It's clear now and that's what I needed to now. THe old excuse to keep you hanging and waiting around.

[MalachiX]

I think it sounds like you've shown him your interested and he no longer is. That must be frustrating but I don't think there's a lot you can do about it at this point.

 

It may no longer have anything to do with his bruised ego. He may have now simply found an aspect of you he doesn't think he's compatible with.

 

I think you should stick to your instinct and stop trying.

[CarrieT]

Oh come on Carrie, you are being mean to me now. By now I have asked twice.

I sorry it comes across as mean. I see it as Tough Love. But you have asked twice and I have told you twice:

 

Invite him to a PROPER date. Not these veiled passive/aggressive comments via texting. CALL him and tell him that you screwed up and want to make it up to him with a burger or something. No school, no lecture, no studying. Just one-on-one.

 

And he was the one keeping the conversation going. It's like he doesn't want me to leave completely but also he doesn't really want to go out with me now.

Has he actually said this? Once again you are making assumptions.

 

Here is what I wrote in another thread that I believe bears repeating here:

 

I believe this is something that is happen to "your generation" via texting.

 

Something that those of us that are older seem to be able to understand is the importance of the human voice.

 

We who have been here for a while are starting to read these types of threads over and over and I am in the camp that the idea of projection and disconnect is becoming rampant as people are believing what they READ.

 

Start learning how to communicate more via conversation. Granted, people will lie and deceive if that is the type of person they are, but you will learn more about who the person is and how they work by LISTENING and WATCHING.

 

By not reading texted words, you won't fill in blanks of what you think they are thinking. You will learn and understand more about a person if the words come from their mouth and you can see their eyes. And you will also not make as many assumptions about their intentions.

 

I was one who fell desperately in love with a guy based on what we wrote to each other. In both our cases, we filled in the blanks on each other - creating in our minds what we wanted the other person to be, based simply on texted words that were exchanged. I hope this makes sense. Everyone who relies on texting is doing themselves a disservice when it comes to relationships.

Edited November 20, 2013 by CarrieT

[ldrgirl000]

I sorry it comes across as mean. I see it as Tough Love. But you have asked twice and I have told you twice:

 

Invite him to a PROPER date. Not these veiled passive/aggressive comments via texting. CALL him and tell him that you screwed up and want to make it up to him with a burger or something. No school, no lecture, no studying. Just one-on-one.

 

 

Has he actually said this? Once again you are making assumptions.

 

Here is what I wrote in another thread that I believe bears repeating here:

 

I completely agree with your quote about having a proper conversation instead of texting and reading. And thats what I was trying to get him to do. To stop texting and meet me face to face. I hate texting and all those social networks. I keep insisting that he meets me and i showed obvious signs that I want to go out. But for whatever reason, he is not ready.

 

Texting chatting without feeling the need to meet is a bad sign too. I had a guy texting me for a whole year, always looking at my Facebook but never agreed to go out with me. I learnt my lesson back then that he is just bored and doesn't bother to go out with me. I thought he was shy. I wanted to end the online chatting so I asked him out and he rejected me. Later, just because he saw a sexy Facebook photo of me. He suddenly realized I am attractive and asked me out all by himself but its too late of course.

 

I really don't want to waste my time on online friendship or whatever it is.

I want a real relationship so if he doesn't even bother to meet again I will stop too.

[ldrgirl000]

Hi guys, I have something to ask…again. I don't understand what this guy wants from me. The problem is that I like him, that I go an date other people but still feel happy every time he texts.

 

So the guy, lets call him Hugh, didn't ask em out again but occasionally still sms me asking some trivia things he could have googled. Recently, he started to flirt with me, reminding me details of our first date, saying 'whether I have feelings for him after that first date','that i'm sexy, hard to resist','i turn him on'. blah blah blah…

 

I don't know if I should be flattered or offended because he doesn't have any intension to meet me. He is single on Facebook but who knows. He said he is very very busy, that we still have plenty of times ahead, no hurry. I don't know what awful thing is going on in his life or just an excuse.

 

I did flirt back, but in the end, I told him I don't want to flirt, to chat with him anymore if he doesn't want at least see me face to face. He is playing with my head for more than a month now and I'm bored already.

 

A day later, he sms 'whatever happens, we are still friends', what's that? I said 'I don't know', if he isn't friend of my good friends, I would tell him to get lost.

[winny]

Hi guys, I have something to ask…again. I don't understand what this guy wants from me. The problem is that I like him, that I go an date other people but still feel happy every time he texts.

 

So the guy, lets call him Hugh, didn't ask em out again but occasionally still sms me asking some trivia things he could have googled. Recently, he started to flirt with me, reminding me details of our first date, saying 'whether I have feelings for him after that first date','that i'm sexy, hard to resist','i turn him on'. blah blah blah…

 

I don't know if I should be flattered or offended because he doesn't have any intension to meet me. He is single on Facebook but who knows. He said he is very very busy, that we still have plenty of times ahead, no hurry. I don't know what awful thing is going on in his life or just an excuse.

 

I did flirt back, but in the end, I told him I don't want to flirt, to chat with him anymore if he doesn't want at least see me face to face. He is playing with my head for more than a month now and I'm bored already.

 

A day later, he sms 'whatever happens, we are still friends', what's that? I said 'I don't know', if he isn't friend of my good friends, I would tell him to get lost.

 

This guy is not good. Don't reply to any of his messages. He is not worthy of any of your time.

[freetolove]

yah, it's up to you right now. the ball is in your court.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hi guys, following that story. I think I screw up again. I really don't want to put myself in the position to ask a guy out when he shows that he is not that interested in me. I was very unsure about his feelings so I was just suggesting/ showing him signs to encourage him to ask me again.

 

I have my own pride. I don't want to put on hold like that. I don't know I am still so into this guy.

 

You are so damn afraid of hearing "no" that it practically paralyzes you. You twist and manipulate every situation so that you don't have to really put yourself out there.

 

Crap, I've been flat out meanly reject 100 times a month by women. Straight up rejected for reasons that are silly, reasons that don't exist, and reasons that hurt like a knife wound.

 

Grow a pair of ovaries and just be straight about this stuff. You can't go through life curled up in a ball sucking your thumb. Be brave, be bold, be honest.

 

Also... Two massively passive aggressive people should not get together.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Untouchable_Fire

[CarrieT]

A day later, he sms 'whatever happens, we are still friends', what's that? I said 'I don't know', if he isn't friend of my good friends, I would tell him to get lost.

You could say something like:

"We are not friends. Friends don't play these types of games. I'm sorry you don't have time for me; I would have really liked to get to know you better."