blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Even though my exboyfriend is a violent, drug-addicted, abusive, mentally unstable dirtbag... I did care about him. There were good things. I have to remind myself not to remember them. And even though I wanted to break up with him, and I needed to, to get away from the abuse and control - it still hurts. You get used to having that person around. There were reasons that you loved that person, even if you can't or won't love them any more. It's hardest to sleep alone, for me, after having someone there. Even though, at the end, I was more scared of him than in love with him. It was more about having a warm body, I guess, about feeling as if there was someone that you were connected to in some way. The night after my ex broke down the door and tried to choke my friend, I asked to sleep in the bed with my friend. It wasn't sexual at all - I was scared, I couldn't sleep, and my friend is really protective of me anyways. He just held me and told me that one day I would find a good man to be with and I should try to think better of myself. He has called me a few times from CA to check up on me and make sure I am OK and to remind me to stay away from my exboyfriend and to not let him back into my life. It's strange, how someone can hurt you so much, over and over again, yet you still love and forgive them - you still remember and miss them. Even though I know it's better this way, and that two people so broken as we are should not try to be with one another. I look forward to lonely nights. In the past, I would just find a new relationship to distract me. But I don't want to do that, I can't. My heart is broken. I just need to be alone for a while. But it still hurts.
Matilda Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Blind otter, From the little I know about you from what you've posted on this message board, I would say you are craving some sort of security and stability in your life. You've said you had a difficult childhood, and I'm assuming you never felt very secure. Maybe always waiting for your world to fall apart around you, again. I'm guessing that even "bad" security feels pretty good to you.
Author blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 You're right. I do want some security or stability. I've never felt safe before, and even though I never have, not when I was a child, not now - I crave it, I want it desperately, even though I probably wouldn't recognize it if I did have it. I know how to be provocative. I know how to use my sexuality, I am very familiar with being a sex object. I know how to draw people in, I just don't know how to maintain. There's something slightly off about everyone, I suppose. We all learn to work around it. I'm still trying to figure myself out. I get frustrated easily because I want to be in a healthy longterm relationship. I just can't seem to get it right. I feel like I'm lagging 2-3 years behind my peers. Probably my drug problem stalled out my emotional development... Anyways, thanks for listening. It is a hard time for me right now. I've exhausted my sounding boards IRL and am on the verge of doing the same to my online friends as well. People can only handle being around a major downer like myself for so long...
tattoomytoe Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 People can only handle being around a major downer like myself for so long... there is truth to that, but Mainly...if the person does not make any effort to change their situations then that is when i get perturbed..... and not by the Person, i get frustrated that they are not willing to change. not that i am frustrated at you hon!
Matilda Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Anyways, thanks for listening. It is a hard time for me right now. I've exhausted my sounding boards IRL and am on the verge of doing the same to my online friends as well. People can only handle being around a major downer like myself for so long... Honey, there are lots of folks on this message board, I don't think you can exhaust all of us, at least not at the same time. You've had a lot of major issues happen in your life, 2 of them in the last month. You can't expect that you will get a handle on them overnight. Take it day by day, and keep your sights on your goal. Shoot for what you really want, and what will be healthy for you. Don't settle for less.
Author blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe People can only handle being around a major downer like myself for so long... there is truth to that, but Mainly...if the person does not make any effort to change their situations then that is when i get perturbed..... and not by the Person, i get frustrated that they are not willing to change. not that i am frustrated at you hon! Thanks I am normally a very hyper, chipper person. I can talk to a brick wall, if given the opportunity. So my friends are all like, woah, otter is SO BUMMED. I usually make a lot more effort with my appearance, and when I'm talking to them on the phone. One friend, B, was pn the phone with me and said, "well I guess I'll let you go since you sound like you don't want to talk to me." whatever, I do, I just barely have any energy, and I am usually the person thinking up all the random, bizarre topics of conversation - like that lady who spent $50,000 to clone her cat - so if I'm not being a spaz, the conversation falters. This, too, shall pass. Time heals all wounds/wounds all heals. At least I'm seeing a therapist.
tattoomytoe Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 you have just gone thru a crap load of emotions and loss...of course you are bummed...to say the least. add on the holidays and hormonal upheaval, that makes for a pretty depressed persona. keep with your therapy, maybe try an anti-D, to ease the transitioning....and do things for you. be a selfish, moody b!tch, if need be....but get all your crap out now...why bag it up and haul it around through life?
Mr Spock Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Sometimes your brain would rather keep you mentally exhausted than have to run the gamut of emotions you're feeling right now. Remember your hormones are F*CKED for at least 6 weeks after a termination of a pregnancy. Keep that in mind. If it REALLY becomes too much for you, go in and talk to your doctor. I know you did have a substance problem but sometimes a person NEEDS a tranquilizer. Ditching the human parasite was probably your first, best step to healing. It is entirely possible to love an a*shole, and you WILL remember him with fondness because time tends to soften the uglier memories. The only way I can deal with my overload of emotions (hence this past week) is to surround myself with friends, and DO stuff. Also don't forget to look the best you can-looking good is the best revenge you could ever have, on anyone.
guest Posted December 24, 2004 Posted December 24, 2004 It kinda sounds like you aren't totally happy with who you are- if I got it right it sounds like you feel like you have to be happy and 'spazzy' to be yourself- you don't have to always be like that if you don't feel like it- you can just be whatever you feel like being. Sometimes people use that kind of behaviour to divert attention from who they really are or from what they are really feeling- kind of using it as a defense mechanism to keep people at a bit of a distance. Does that sound anything like you? If not then ignore it but if it does then just concentrate on being yourself- however you are at the time not what you feel you have to be.
Author blind_otter Posted December 24, 2004 Author Posted December 24, 2004 Originally posted by guest Sometimes people use that kind of behaviour to divert attention from who they really are or from what they are really feeling- kind of using it as a defense mechanism to keep people at a bit of a distance. Does that sound anything like you? If not then ignore it but if it does then just concentrate on being yourself- however you are at the time not what you feel you have to be. Keep people at a distance? who? me? It's so true, it's funny that you mention it. I think I am finally being myself for the first time in a while - I was miserable in my relationship, and everyone knew it. It was the elephant in the room, so to speak. So I did make an effort to put on a happy face. It is a defense mechanism. The more miserable I was in the relationship, the more brittle and fake I became in my demeanor. Now I am freer to be myself. I tend to do this big life review thing when I go through emotional upheavals. Unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, breakup with abusive boyrfriend --> otter sifts through the storage units inside her head and convinces herself to throw away a handful of crap from the baggage. Emotional pack rat, I am.
SamiJ0 Posted March 2, 2005 Posted March 2, 2005 Hello there I am 22 now and 2 months ago my boyfriend who is also a drug addict and abusive went to jail and drug me with him. When he was arrested he told the police I knew mor ethan I wa stelling and I was arrested for obstruction. He was in jail for a year while we were dateing when he got out it was right befor ehis birthday. On his birthday I spent 500 dollars on him and planned a romantic night. His brother cheated on his girlfriend one of my freind and I told her. She brought Mike a card. Mike then told me that he didn't want to hang out with me on his birthday so i left with his brother to go get something to eat ad cry. He had sex with his brothers girlfriend while we were gone. I took him back. Then he robbed my grandmothers house. We went to a club and he pushed me away when i tried to kiss him and rubbed his brothers exgirlfriends back in front of me. I ran out crying when i got to my car my window was busted and my purse was stolen. I always wondered if his brothers exgirlfreind did well anyway my point is i am there now how do I get over him and what is the best revenge. I need help all i do is remember good times we shared and then piss myself off by remmebering those things he did to me. I can't let him go I don't know how.
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