Author sun1972 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 I think you have to let her off the hook for being skeptical of your commitment to the relationship. You did break up with her, so it's natural she's stepping back a little while she sorts out her vulnerability and trust. I know myself, that if I truly loved someone, I'd be willing to give up an awful lot to be with them. I think you have to take time to assess if this is truly what you want. I was dating someone a while ago, we worked together, and he got a transfer 6 hours away. He wanted me to go with him, but in my heart I just knew I literally couldn't go the distance with him, I didn't see the same future he did. I liked him a whole lot- but not enough to pick up and move. I missed him, and I still do- but not enough to make the sacrifices he was asking me to make. I think you have to take some time to decide if this girl is worth the move, and worth the sacrifice. I don't think you've decided that yet. It's taking a plunge, and that's understandably scary. You owe it to her, and you owe it to yourself to figure this out before you make an important life decision. TBH im 99% sure she will end it for good on monday (we agreed to take a day off talking tommorow), she doesn't believe ill do the commute, i think she believes im just saying it to cling onto her and she has a point, i agreed to this insane commute ..2? years ago, thought about it and changed my mind, so i can hardly blame her at all! i am torn on the NC, I believe friends is impossible really, i do need to go nc for my own sanity, or ill become an 'online stalker boy' ...sounds stupid but im sure i wouldnt be the first she has test results due in a week (serious health ones) and although i know she wont be part of my life i am desperate to know she is gonna be ok i think if she ends it ill wish her well, tell her i have happy memories and go nc, but ask her to send me a short mail with test results i know everyone is going say no.....just go nc, but its hard to explain how important it is to know her health is ok and its only 1 mail ?
2fargone Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 funny you say this tonight she has basically said 'its obvious that neither of us will quit our jobs, things have just got too unstable for that risk' 'i always love our time together, that is never in question' and then said (in a nutshell) that she doesnt think ill handle the commute... and that i have to much to lose yet when i asked if she wanted to give up ...wouldnt give me an answer, just said she didnt know im tired of it now and want to move on, or move forward See.... this is you swinging along with whatever side you think she will take.... DON'T DO THAT !
D-Lish Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 (edited) Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it's like you're needing her to absolve you of the guilt you're feeling for not loving her in the way you think she deserves to be loved. You can love someone, but not be in love with someone. That situation can cause a lot of guilt, and it's no one's fault, Edited November 17, 2013 by D-Lish
Author sun1972 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 See.... this is you swinging along with whatever side you think she will take.... DON'T DO THAT ! im not sure what you mean?
r321148 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 I think you have to let her off the hook for being skeptical of your commitment to the relationship. You did break up with her, so it's natural she's stepping back a little while she sorts out her vulnerability and trust. I know myself, that if I truly loved someone, I'd be willing to give up an awful lot to be with them. I think you have to take time to assess if this is truly what you want. I was dating someone a while ago, we worked together, and he got a transfer 6 hours away. He wanted me to go with him, but in my heart I just knew I literally couldn't go the distance with him, I didn't see the same future he did. I liked him a whole lot- but not enough to pick up and move. I missed him, and I still do- but not enough to make the sacrifices he was asking me to make. I think you have to take some time to decide if this girl is worth the move, and worth the sacrifice. I don't think you've decided that yet. It's taking a plunge, and that's understandably scary. You owe it to her, and you owe it to yourself to figure this out before you make an important life decision. I agree with you in general but I do think there are limits. In some cases (such as the OP) the situation is just so unmanageable that it will destroy the quality of life and the relationship along with it. There are times when you have to be realistic. I really think that in this situation you would move there and the lifestyle would take its toll within months, if not weeks. You can't maintain a relationship with that much stress no matter how much you love the other person. That's life unfortunately. If the only solution is the one suggested then I really don't think it's a good idea. If one or both of you could change jobs to be together then it might work as long as you didn't end up resenting each other for causing the change (assuming you both currently enjoy your jobs). Good luck.
Author sun1972 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 ive just mailed her and told her to take 2 weeks without contact to think but that ill leave my job if we try again... and yes ill do it
soccerrprp Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 ive just mailed her and told her to take 2 weeks without contact to think but that ill leave my job if we try again... and yes ill do it LDR are inherently risky. For 5-years w/o a plan is just insane. But you are now to the point where you are willing to make some sacrifices. Good. Keep to it if you really want her. I'm in a LDR and making plans to move out to where she is. I will have a job and we will be moving in together, so no great uncertainty. I have about 8-months to plan all of this; selling my house, finding new job, etc. Confident in both... But, even before we decided on LDR, we made expectations and goal very clear. No guarantees, of course, but goals hashed out. Go get her. If it was all about distance, it should work out right? But my suggestion is, after 5-years together, don't make it much longer before you make the next relationship leap. It's already been 5-years.... Good luck.
r321148 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 ive just mailed her and told her to take 2 weeks without contact to think but that ill leave my job if we try again... and yes ill do it I'd definitely make sure you have a new job to go to before you leave your current one! Not to sound pessimistic but you are taking a hell of a gamble on this girl. If it doesn't work out then you stand to lose a lot!
Author sun1972 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 I'd definitely make sure you have a new job to go to before you leave your current one! Not to sound pessimistic but you are taking a hell of a gamble on this girl. If it doesn't work out then you stand to lose a lot! not being willing to take a risk is what got me here, i agreed to look ages ago and did look for a while, then decided it was too much to give up the only job ive known for the unknown now, i know the thought of losing her is worse than the thought of losing my job i am not sure ill get the chance anyway - i think she believes im just promising the earth to keep her...and wont actually do it ill do 2 weeks nc with her... then see how she feels if she has moved on in those 2 weeks... well ill know that the feelings werent there on her side, if she comes back saying ok lets go for it, i will
Author sun1972 Posted November 18, 2013 Author Posted November 18, 2013 Hey all for those who have seen me babbling on, its day 8 post BU We split over distance, i was the one who agreed to relocate, but i kept chickening out, a 6 hour commute was too much - and ive had the same job since leaving uni..its the only job ive known apart from holiday jobs. I was the one who actually broke it off, but she probably would have anyway it was just a matter of time I totally regretted it before i was half way home. Anyway we have talked via email every day since breakup for a couple of hours (apart from last night), i agreed to do the commute her responses have gone from 'if you do move maybee we will try again' to 'if you move we will live together, im sure it will happen' then we had a bit of a blow out.. i tried to call her saturday, she rejected the call..and mailed me and told me 'we are split up until things change so i think id rather not speak on the phone' and on the nighttime she said it was hard to trust id actually do the commute, because ive agreed to it before, then changed my mind. And for all she knows i could just be saying all this and we would be back to square one. She is right of course and i fully accept its my fault. I did point out it has always been me that has to make the sacrifice..and she agreed and said she felt bad about it. Then things went really downhill - she said that we have always been good when together, but it falls apart when not together. That she always loves being with me, but- its like a rollercoaster at times That MAYBEE too much water is under the bridge now, and that she is worried about what i need to do to make it happen, and she would feel awful if it didnt work out and id made the move I told her to sleep on it and we would not talk the next day (sunday) i managed all sunday daytime....but sunday night just mailed her telling her i realise now what i have lost, that i will do whatever it takes to make it happen if she wants to try (including leaving my job) and i just want the chance to prove it. But that i needed to be out her face for a bit so she can think so asked her to take 2 weeks to think about things She didnt reply, though i did send it fairly late (9.00pm) she is usually playing her facebook games about then so i know she would be online. Now, i KNOW im being needy, clingy etc and pushing her away arent i? And i know i need to maintain NC completely for these next two weeks.. not just to 'get her back' but for my own sanity.. so i can eat again, sleep again, and function like a human being again. I am just worried that 2 weeks will help her 'move on' from me, and its fustrating, that i had all these chances to do this (move, get a new job) and only now that it may be too late am i totally willing to make the necessary changes So, those who are early NC, how do you deal with it when you want to contact them? Even now im dying to mail or text her, even though i know its an utterly stupid thing to do Im thinking rejoin the gym and just go for it there? And put myself into a mindset that i WONT initiate contact again, and i should assume i simply wont here from her again? Thanks
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