Ive got a second chance, but its on harsh terms.

[sun1972]

Hey all

 

Its day 4 post breakup here, havent started NC we are still talking every night all night (i know i know)

 

Our split was down to distance..

 

Over the years ive had the chance to solve this by a long commute (3 hours each way) and we even looked at houses but i backed out of it - stupid me!!

 

i just thought i couldnt handle 6 hours a day travelling.. so we went back to ldr for ages.

 

Anyway now that we have split over it (i was the one to end it) i want to commute.. its just horrid without her, even seeing the 'single' on her fb winds me up every time . (i did unfriend her but she mailed and asked why and i readded her )

 

But she is understandably VERY skeptical about me doing the travelling, and has put pretty harsh terms on stuff

 

Basically i asked if she wanted to try again if i move near her workplace and she said (near enough exact words)

 

"Im thinking of trying again but only if u have moved and to be honest im skeptical of u with all the travelling cos that put u off before but we shall see."

 

So basically i need to relocate near to her before we can try again, and she hardly seems over keen. I can understand it, like i said i changed my mind before about the travelling.

 

Now i only rent here, so no issue there, but its going to mean finding a lot of money FAST, and actually living alone (but near to her) for a while before we move in together.

 

Pretty harsh terms for getting back together..if she agreed to us BOTH moving now, id do it and carry it through - i appreciate what i had more now ive lost it.

 

So i dont know what to do?. My concerns are

 

1) cash:- travelling costs of $600 per month and rent on my own will be really tight.

 

2) doing all this over the next month and finding she has moved on or met someone else by then.

 

Finally, i ended it..but ive definitely been the one most 'needy' post breakup - ie mailing n texting more etc..

 

Do you think maybee im pushing her away by over communicating?

 

Thanks

[sun1972]

I should add - ive only been single 4 days, but ive already had someone ask me out for a drink! (a works colleague)

 

Obviously i said no, im still hung up on my ex..

 

But my ex is an attractive woman, the same is bound to be happening to her.

[emz23]

The fact you've been asked out for a drink isn't really relevant. Nothing stopping her saying no as well if she's asked.

 

It seems a bit of an unreasonable request for a "maybe". You will be putting yourself under a lot of strain financially and emotionally for something that may not even work out.

I don't really like demands in relationships. Seems a bit like demanding the power when really there should be balance.

Why does it have to be you that moves? Would she be prepared to move for you? If not then why should she expect it of you?

Is there no way she'd be interested in carrying on without you moving?

[sun1972]

We looked at both moving half way but it was unfeasable because of travel costs (200 miles a day rail travel is $600 dollars, 100 miles a day is $500 dollars!) so half way means no money to live

 

And i initially said id do the big commute (we would still have both moved but it would have been by her workplace which is just about commutable for me) but like i said i changed my mind when faced with reality of 6 hours a day

 

I think she is insisting i move first simply because she believes ill agree to do this commute, we will get back together and then ill just simply not do it again.

 

I can see her point, i dont like being away from her in the week, but i didnt struggle with it as much as she did.... to her 3 days a week is not a proper relationship

 

To be honest ...this is hard to explain but i dont have worries that we wont work out if living together.

 

We went through a bad patch while apart last year.. yet when we actually met again.. within 2 mins we were hugging and cuddling, within ten mins we were kissing and within an hour we were...well you get the idea

 

and that always how we are when together, i worked out yesterday that we have had 1000+ actual days together, and havent had an argument on any of those days ... just when apart.

[strive]

There's always a way if you really want something. There's always an excuse if you don't truly want it. -- a friend told me that

 

Idk, for me if you both truly want to be together, then in your mind the sacrifices should be justifiable (either moving or ldr). But if you're both unsure, then it won't work out in the end even if you find a compromise. You might even end up resenting each other for the compromise you did.

 

Just my 2c.

[sun1972]

There's always a way if you really want something. There's always an excuse if you don't truly want it. -- a friend told me that

 

Idk, for me if you both truly want to be together, then in your mind the sacrifices should be justifiable (either moving or ldr). But if you're both unsure, then it won't work out in the end even if you find a compromise. You might even end up resenting each other for the compromise you did.

 

Just my 2c.

 

LDR is pointless to her without a future living together.. id prefer we lived close and could live together but i got to see her every week and could live with it

 

Maybee i let others influence me too much about the commute (everyone thought i was crazy to spend 1/3 of my nett salary on travel and travel 1/3 of my waking day)

 

But i think more likely i didnt appreciate the importance of what i had until it was lost...

[emz23]

everyone thought i was crazy to spend 1/3 of my nett salary on travel and travel 1/3 of my waking day

 

I agree with them.

That's crazy. Have you thought about the stress that'll put on you? You'll be working what 9 hours, commuting 6 that's 15 hours. You'd be a zombie within weeks and all the time you did get to spend with her you'd be so tired you'd barely want to talk. That's no basis for a relationship. I think that would put you under enormous stress and would eventually take its toll on the relationship....maybe you're stronger than me but it would for me!

 

Would a better solution be for one of you to move jobs if possible? If not is there any possibility of long distance working in the short term until a better solution comes up?

You never know what's round the corner after all.

 

I really hope you can sort this out x

[sun1972]

everyone thought i was crazy to spend 1/3 of my nett salary on travel and travel 1/3 of my waking day

 

I agree with them.

That's crazy. Have you thought about the stress that'll put on you? You'll be working what 9 hours, commuting 6 that's 15 hours. You'd be a zombie within weeks and all the time you did get to spend with her you'd be so tired you'd barely want to talk. That's no basis for a relationship. I think that would put you under enormous stress and would eventually take its toll on the relationship....maybe you're stronger than me but it would for me!

 

Would a better solution be for one of you to move jobs if possible? If not is there any possibility of long distance working in the short term until a better solution comes up?

You never know what's round the corner after all.

 

I really hope you can sort this out x

 

this is why we have been ldr for 5 years, there is no simple solution

 

both travelling 90 mins means we cant afford it, plus i think it is worse if there isnt one of us with a short journey able to cook etc

 

we are both in the only jobs we have known since leaving school

 

i have looked but got nowhere aside from one job which was a big salary drop for me..

 

and to be honest leaving a job of 20 years terrifies me anyway especially as we have split twice now

 

anyway she mailed me today so i responded

 

this is sum of what she said

 

'she wont be finding anyone else, it wont happen'

 

'if i move we will DEFINITELY try again, she just needs to see ill do it and not back out' and we will shortly after move in together

 

'no more ldr, end of'

 

so the ball is well and truly in my court

 

finally, she is still showing 'single' on her fb...i bloody hate fb u know, and when im about to do all this for her it winds me up...

 

im an idiot for focussing on it right?

[Simon Phoenix]

So she expects you to move to her town and take a massive pay cut? There's no way she could move to your town?

[sun1972]

So she expects you to move to her town and take a massive pay cut? There's no way she could move to your town?

 

when i was offered the badly paid job she agreed it was a none starter

 

basically im taking a short term rent by her, within 3 months we live together

 

no she wont move to me she feels the commute is too much for her

 

she thinks it is too much for me to do as well , but we have no other answers, i either do the big commute, give up my job or we split

 

im portraying my partner unfairly here, she was str8 up from the start about leaving her job ever

 

(oops ex partner)

 

we dated without thinking through the future really...

[Simon Phoenix]

when i was offered the badly paid job she agreed it was a none starter

 

basically im taking a short term rent by her, within 3 months we live together

 

no she wont move to me she feels the commute is too much for her

 

she thinks it is too much for me to do as well , but we have no other answers, i either do the big commute, give up my job or we split

 

im portraying my partner unfairly here, she was str8 up from the start about leaving her job ever

 

(oops ex partner)

 

we dated without thinking through the future really...

 

This is more reason for you to step away temporarily. I mean, this is a lot of risk on your part for someone who you've broken up with twice.

[sun1972]

This is more reason for you to step away temporarily. I mean, this is a lot of risk on your part for someone who you've broken up with twice.

 

the splits were always over distance though...distance wont b an issue if i do this

 

but yeah its a risk

 

am i right in thinking you suspect im in 'omg im losing her' mode? and thinking irrationaly ?

[Simon Phoenix]

the splits were always over distance though...distance wont b an issue if i do this

 

but yeah its a risk

 

am i right in thinking you suspect im in 'omg im losing her' mode? and thinking irrationaly ?

 

Yes, I think you are thinking purely on emotion and aren't really using logic. You need to integrate brain and heart.

[sun1972]

Yes, I think you are thinking purely on emotion and aren't really using logic. You need to integrate brain and heart.

 

you may be right- i am feeling a lot of wierd emotions right now

 

we are talking exactly as we did when together, still kisses everywhere... the only difference being we arent signing off with the usual love u or calling by fone

 

we are talking more than we did before the split, im the one ending each chat tho..

 

so maybee i havent given myself a chance to reflect on what im letting myself in for, and ... im getting wound up over stupid stuff

 

she said only the girls in her office know we split - and thats cos she was crying at work

 

and she hid the actual news feed about status change

 

yet already im getting annoyed because she is asking me to do this, yet keeping that 'single' in her status!! u know what? i should have said no when she asked me to refriend her on there, i frigging HATE fb lol

 

hmmm sorry..im ranting, your right, im emotional ...

[heartshaped]

I've been in a LDR before. Basically, it comes down to this- either close the distance or break up. The two of you have been together for five years already. It's time to either close the distance or end things for good.

 

Long term, you probably will have to give up your job. Just not realistic to commute. Even if you took a huge pay cut it may equal out as you have to factor in the cost of the commute everyday + just the quality of life.

 

I wish you the best.

 

P.S. If I were you, I'd move.

[Eggplant]

If you were madly in love, you wouldn't need to ask anybody what to do. The fact that you're asking means she's not the one.

[sun1972]

If you were madly in love, you wouldn't need to ask anybody what to do. The fact that you're asking means she's not the one.

 

my heart 100% says do it- and i know within a month we will be living together, in fact she pretty much said last nite we should move straight in together near her work

 

im trying to consider the practical side

 

ill leave home about 5.20, so get up about 4.50

 

ill get home about 7.15

 

ill b knackered, prolly want to be sleeping by ten

 

what sort of life will we have??

 

one of her complaints about ldr is we only have sex on weekends and she wants more...

 

in all honesty i suspect sex in the week will be the last thing im thinking about? after a 14 hour day?

 

what a previous poster said is true ..in the long term it means another job

[sun1972]

it is odd though how her stance in the space of 2 days has gone from

 

'move near me and maybee we can try again'

 

to

 

'if you can do the move, we will definitely live together'

 

??? it confuses me

[2fargone]

it is odd though how her stance in the space of 2 days has gone from

 

'move near me and maybee we can try again'

 

to

 

'if you can do the move, we will definitely live together'

 

??? it confuses me

 

 

 

I wouldn't think twice and just do it, before she changes her mind again. But that's just how I am...

[sun1972]

I wouldn't think twice and just do it, before she changes her mind again. But that's just how I am...

 

you think with enough willpower i can manage the 6 hour round trip then? thanks

 

everyone keeps hammering at me that its insane lol, but i need to make my own decisions

 

and i think the 2 days have been her getting over the hurt of me dumping her basically?

 

i think i will do it, but request that we meet for lunch next week to talk about how this will work and how we really feel (no nights over, no sex, just talk over lunch)

 

its too big a thing to decide on just via email chat surely???

[r321148]

Yeah I'd say definitely too big to do over chat. you definitely need to meet.

 

As for willpower. There is only so long that willpower will get you through. Before too long you're going to be exhausted and then who knows what strain that'll put on you two? Can your relationship stand it? I'd imagine that'd be really tough even on the most devoted of couples.

 

Like you say though, you do need to make your own decision on this.

 

I have an ex who moved to New Zealand. Many years ago now (10+). that was a really sad break up as neither of us wanted it but we had to be realistic that our lives just weren't compatible even if our personalities were. I still keep in touch with her on Skype now and I consider her a good friend. I've had 3 long term relationships since (all of which she's known about) and she is currently in a 5 year relationship. I'm really happy for her although of course its sad that we couldn't be together. I know we can't be and I'm really glad for her that she's got a great guy who makes her happy.

What I'm saying is sometimes it's just life. Things aren't meant to be and all you can do is wish them well and move yourself forward.

 

Good luck with your decision. I know it's painful.

[sun1972]

well i decided to call her and tell her its on

 

...although i know she probably doesnt believe me till it happenss cos i changed my mind before

 

..but she didnt take my call! then mailed me and said

 

"I don't really want to speak on the phone at the mo...at end of day we are split up until things change so think that's the way it should be."

 

how much to read into this??

[angelcake]

well i decided to call her and tell her its on

 

...although i know she probably doesnt believe me till it happenss cos i changed my mind before

 

..but she didnt take my call! then mailed me and said

 

"I don't really want to speak on the phone at the mo...at end of day we are split up until things change so think that's the way it should be."

 

how much to read into this??

 

She was probably in "angry mode" over the break-up, but she also sounds controlling to me. She is not realistic to think you can handle a commute like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you a few weeks after you move. Tread lightly and think this through fully.

[sun1972]

She was probably in "angry mode" over the break-up, but she also sounds controlling to me. She is not realistic to think you can handle a commute like that. I wouldn't be surprised if she dumps you a few weeks after you move. Tread lightly and think this through fully.

 

funny you say this

 

tonight she has basically said

 

'its obvious that neither of us will quit our jobs, things have just got too unstable for that risk'

 

'i always love our time together, that is never in question'

 

and then said (in a nutshell) that she doesnt think ill handle the commute... and that i have to much to lose

 

yet when i asked if she wanted to give up ...wouldnt give me an answer, just said she didnt know

 

 

 

im tired of it now and want to move on, or move forward

[D-Lish]

I think you have to let her off the hook for being skeptical of your commitment to the relationship. You did break up with her, so it's natural she's stepping back a little while she sorts out her vulnerability and trust.

 

I know myself, that if I truly loved someone, I'd be willing to give up an awful lot to be with them. I think you have to take time to assess if this is truly what you want.

 

I was dating someone a while ago, we worked together, and he got a transfer 6 hours away. He wanted me to go with him, but in my heart I just knew I literally couldn't go the distance with him, I didn't see the same future he did. I liked him a whole lot- but not enough to pick up and move. I missed him, and I still do- but not enough to make the sacrifices he was asking me to make.

 

I think you have to take some time to decide if this girl is worth the move, and worth the sacrifice. I don't think you've decided that yet. It's taking a plunge, and that's understandably scary. You owe it to her, and you owe it to yourself to figure this out before you make an important life decision.