How badly did I screw this up?

[knh3999]

This is my first post on here...I'll post the whole story.

 

In May of this year I met a guy on a dating website. We went out, hit it off immediately. Saw each other for about a month- we were about to have the relationship talk when he found out that he was being transferred to Miami for 5 months for work beginning in July. We decided to see each other until he left, keep in touch while he was gone, and see how things played out when he returned. Before he left we spoke every single day- texts mostly, occasional phone calls. At that time he wasn't working full time due to a work related injury that he was recovering from. He had a lot of free time.

 

Anyway, he left, and our contact dwindled. He texted me out of the blue in September and told me he was coming back early- that he hated Florida, that he missed me, etc. I was beyond excited. He came back and didn't contact me right away to make plans. I gave it a little time- eventually I said something about it (about 3 weeks after he had returned), and he said he was still getting everything together with being back, settling back in to work, etc. We made plans, which he canceled twice. I got really upset and was ready to be done with it and I told him that. Then we finally saw each other, and it was great all over again. Saw each other twice the first week, then didn't see each other for two weeks, then did twice last week again. Last week our dates were amazing. Felt great. But here is the problem- since he's been back he is HORRIBLE at communication. We rarely text anymore- most of the time he drops out of conversations out of the blue. It bugs me. I mentioned it once in person- that I wished that we spoke a little more since we don't see each other in person that often (we live an hour apart). He acknowledged by concerns, but said that he was really busy and it was hard sometimes.

 

Then this week I messed everything up. We didn't speak Monday, Tuesday I texted him, got one response and then he didn't answer again. Come Wednesday I was frustrated. He had been on facebook commenting on things that morning, so I knew he had a little free time. Yet didn't respond to my text from the night before. So I sent him a message basically saying that I was confused by his actions and how him not responding is coming off as him being disinterested. He sent me a long text back saying that he understands. that he wishes i didn't need the validation. that he knows this is hard for me and if its too hard i need to let him know. that hes doing the best he can. And that he feels pressured to make time to see me when he is so busy with his own life. I don't think I handled it super well. This was our convo:

 

Me: "i'm sorry..its not that i need validation of what it is. i'm not trying to push anything here. i just honestly feel pretty vulnerable considering i'm having a really hard time reading into how you feel about any of this. i'm not really sure what to say. i wasn't complaining about not getting to see you that often. i'm busy too and i get it. and the time that we do get to spend together has been great in my opinion. i like you and i don't want to stop seeing you. and i do understand that its an effort to make time to see each other/talk. i do wish that you didn't feel like its unfair though. i'm not trying to force this. sorry i brought it up"

Him: "I'm not trying to force anything either. idk what to say now either."

Me: "I have to laugh a little. I didn't mean to turn this into a big thing at all. I'm cool if you're cool. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass and I hope I didn't stress you out..just kinda wanted to figure out where you were coming from and now I know. "

 

then I sent a funny video that we both normally would laugh at... this was all around noon yesterday. no response from him.

 

today I sent him one more message saying this:

"hey...i feel like an ass for what i said yesterday. I know I've been kind of selfish lately and I feel bad. anyway I'm sorry and I hope your day is going well :)"

 

no response.

 

I'm just lost as to how I should handle this. When I first read his response to my initial text I didn't really get that he was being kind about it. And I guess in retrospect I should have told him that I appreciated his response.

 

What the heck do I do? Do I have to just step back? Did I damage this as much as I think I did?

[Uwaae]

I think youre fine. You already apologized, you dont need to do anymore.

 

He'll come around. I personally hate texting as a guy, call him and talk to him on the phone. Its much MUCH better

[winny]

Don't do anything right now.

If he really likes you... he will miss you and come back..

 

Else after 2-3 days text him:

Hi.. Because I have not received any responses from you since few days I am wondering whether you want to continue dating me or not. In case if you are still interested then give me a call.

 

If he doesn't call in the next 24 hrs after you send the text, you have to move on unfortunately

 

But what you did wasn't wrong. So please don't feel guilty...

[knh3999]

Thank you for the input. I do feel guilty because things were going well. Just slow. And the problem is that I have really strong feelings for this guy and want a little more. I realized today that I haven't been totally fair in how much I've been asking of him/expecting of him. I kinda expected us to fall back into our routine that we had after two months of dating, rather than really starting from scratch again.

 

I'm going to give him space. We have plans for Saturday afternoon that we've had for awhile. I guess if I don't hear from him by Saturday morning I'll give him a call?

[CC12]

I'm going to give him space. We have plans for Saturday afternoon that we've had for awhile. I guess if I don't hear from him by Saturday morning I'll give him a call?

 

I think if you don't hear from him by Saturday, you can just assume it's over. No need for phone calls. But to be completely honest, I think you should just accept that it's over now. Communication hasn't been good and now he's ignoring you after you had sort of a "where are we at?" talk with him, and that seems like a pretty strong signal. Also it's just plain inconsiderate. I get that you think you messed this up so there's a natural tendency to want to fix it, but you really didn't do anything that bad. You might have come on a little too strong for him, but you explained yourself and apologized and if he was into you, it wouldn't be that big of a deal and he wouldn't leave you hanging for days after.

 

And like I said, he's being inconsiderate by ignoring you. I don't think you should be involved with guys who treat you that way.

[NJtoDC]

I think if you don't hear from him by Saturday, you can just assume it's over. No need for phone calls. But to be completely honest, I think you should just accept that it's over now. Communication hasn't been good and now he's ignoring you after you had sort of a "where are we at?" talk with him, and that seems like a pretty strong signal. Also it's just plain inconsiderate. I get that you think you messed this up so there's a natural tendency to want to fix it, but you really didn't do anything that bad. You might have come on a little too strong for him, but you explained yourself and apologized and if he was into you, it wouldn't be that big of a deal and he wouldn't leave you hanging for days after.

 

And like I said, he's being inconsiderate by ignoring you. I don't think you should be involved with guys who treat you that way.

 

Agreed! OP- you expressed your needs when it comes to communication. You are not being unreasonable. He has not been very active in contacting you. He misses you, even suggests its part of his reason for moving hack, but three weeks after moving back hasn't contacted you? He is too busy, doibng the best he can to communicate, has time for commenting on FB posts but won't respond to direct communication from you?

 

THEN!...When you call him on it in a small way, he turns it around on you- basically says you are needy and clingy and he wishes you weren't. Don't take his bull$h!t. You are very accurate that his actions and words do not match.

 

He doesn't seem nearly as interested as what he says he is. If you need more than he is offering, which you obviously do and it's perfectly reasonable to want, move on. He is NOT the one. Frankly, he doesn't even seem very interested.

 

Please stop blaming yourself for 'messing up' just because this jerk tried to turn your legitimate concern into an issue of insecurity on your part. I honestly wonder if he is being intentionally manipulative. Look how he has managed to get you to backtrack from your communicating your needs. He even got you to APOLOGIZE for expecting communication? You needs didn't go away, don't apologize for them!

 

Please move on. What is so great about this guy? Find someone who is crazy about you and wants to speak to you and not think that equals validation.

Edited November 15, 2013 by NJtoDC

[knh3999]

Thank you all. This is basically what all of my friends are saying too. They don't know why I am giving him time of day. Problem is our connection is so great in person that it's hard to cut it off just because he's busy and i feel insecure about it. He still hasn't contacted me. I might send him a text later to ask about tomorrow.. i don't know if that makes me look desperate though.

[StarsOnFire]

Thank you all. This is basically what all of my friends are saying too. They don't know why I am giving him time of day. Problem is our connection is so great in person that it's hard to cut it off just because he's busy and i feel insecure about it. He still hasn't contacted me. I might send him a text later to ask about tomorrow.. i don't know if that makes me look desperate though.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't send him another text. The ball is in his court. And you could come off as more clingy than what he thinks you are now (which I personally, don't think you're asking too much or being too clingy). But from his interactions, seems like you're gonna push him further away with more texts.

 

Sorry you're in a sucky situation, but I agree with everyone else. It's not you. Good luck!

[LivingDeadGrl]

Thank you all. This is basically what all of my friends are saying too. They don't know why I am giving him time of day. Problem is our connection is so great in person that it's hard to cut it off just because he's busy and i feel insecure about it. He still hasn't contacted me. I might send him a text later to ask about tomorrow.. i don't know if that makes me look desperate though.

 

I wouldn't bother. He doesn't sound interested anymore and I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with what you said to him. He had lost interest long before any of this happened.

Just because you feel such a great connection doesn't mean he does. If he did, he wouldn't be ignoring you and commenting on Facebook while in the meantime ignoring your text that he clearly had read.

I would let it go, don't contact him unless he contacts you. You'll just seem even more clingy and needy by doing so and push him away more.

Good Luck!

[winny]

Thank you for the input. I do feel guilty because things were going well. Just slow. And the problem is that I have really strong feelings for this guy and want a little more. I realized today that I haven't been totally fair in how much I've been asking of him/expecting of him. I kinda expected us to fall back into our routine that we had after two months of dating, rather than really starting from scratch again.

 

I'm going to give him space. We have plans for Saturday afternoon that we've had for awhile. I guess if I don't hear from him by Saturday morning I'll give him a call?

 

No please don't call. You have tried enough already to get back in touch and initiate a conversation.

If there was this great connection.. it's not only you who is missing that right? Shouldn't he also miss it? Shouldn't he ever think... did I hurt her by not responding to her? Isn't he also supposed to stress like you are doing now and try to talk to you?

Give him time to miss you...

If he does and come back then good... else... maybe he didn't feel any connection... or doesn't care for you...

[NJtoDC]

Thank you all. This is basically what all of my friends are saying too. They don't know why I am giving him time of day. Problem is our connection is so great in person that it's hard to cut it off just because he's busy and i feel insecure about it. He still hasn't contacted me. I might send him a text later to ask about tomorrow.. i don't know if that makes me look desperate though.

 

Don't call him. Stop trying to force it, which is what you are doing.

 

One, he is not that busy. He has time for what he makes time for, as you see from the facebook example. Unless he is a doctor in residency and works 48 hour shifts, where he sleeps instead of texts when he gets a moments rest he could reach out. It is an EXCUSE. Look at Bill Clinton. He was running the country and managed to juggle two women.

 

This man ain't that busy. He just chooses to use his free time for things that don't include you.

 

Secondly, the idea that you are just being insecure was HIS suggestion. You even defended to him that you weren't lacking in validation but the lack of communication was sending mixed signals which it was. You are putting a blame on yourself that is uncalled for.

 

So don't call him. He is now ignoring you. Pestering him will not only not get him to reply but imagine trying to build a relationship with a man who handled your simple and reasonable request for communication the way he did. His level of communication wouldn't improve and would you be happy?

 

No. Go find someone else who values you and wants to spend time with you in person and keep in touch while you are apart. If that is the type of man you want, which is pretty basic expectations, there are plenty of men who would happily date you I am sure.

 

Ask for what you need, don't settle. Don't sell yourself short.

Edited November 15, 2013 by NJtoDC

[clia]

I agree that it's over. He wasn't acting all that into you since he's been back, and then you pushed a little too hard. Make it a rule to yourself not to have such serious conversations over text or chat. Keep it fun and light. One sentence texts. You over explained yourself and made everything into a big deal. Easy to do over text.

 

I do not think you should contact him again. You have already sent him two texts that he hasn't even acknowledged. You should not send a third.

 

As far as tomorrow, personally I would continue on as though you still have the date if he hasn't cancelled on you. If you are supposed to meet him somewhere, go there. If he is supposed to pick you up, get ready. If he doesn't show up, then he doesn't show up. Go do something else.