What BSs are thinking being long time Betrayed?

[Mount]

Let put OWs or MMs case aside, in my case, yes I had feeling for MM (that is why how affair began anyway), but if you ask me to be the spouse of the MM, I won't say yes.

 

For them in marriage so long 36 year-ish, and also my gut tells me the MM is highly possible being the repeatedly having affair, even though he firmly told me that I am his first affair:eek:, that I highly doubted.

 

Anyway, I don't think BS does not the true color of this MM, but how come she still likes to put the facard together? MM told me that wife does not leak any of our affair information to their adult children, that I might believe.

 

The wife is strong keeping the good man image for him, why is that? Because the MM is the king of maniuplation? Why is she mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Mount

[whatatangledweb]

I didn't tell my adult children. He did this to me not them. They have their opinions about him based on how he treats them. His affair had nothing to do with them. It didn't concern them so they were not told. I didn't go around telling people as it is humiliating to be cheated on. I am also a private person and I didn't want people to know. I did protect him also but it was mainly protecting myself.

 

36 years is a very long time to be together. Your affair lasted a very short period compared to that. She most likely looked at how the good years outweighed the bad.

[Mount]

What about lying, especially my gut strongly tells me the MM is the veteran philanderer...or I guess wife iss more "open minded" than usual women.

 

I didn't tell my adult children. He did this to me not them. They have their opinions about him based on how he treats them. His affair had nothing to do with them. It didn't concern them so they were not told. I didn't go around telling people as it is humiliating to be cheated on. I am also a private person and I didn't want people to know. I did protect him also but it was mainly protecting myself.

 

36 years is a very long time to be together. Your affair lasted a very short period compared to that. She most likely looked at how the good years outweighed the bad.

[whichwayisup]

38 years vs an affair. She feels that the life they built together is more important and has given him a second chance. Rightfully so. Many forgive and don't want to lose all that they know and love. It takes a special person with a big heart to deal with a WS, sounds like his wife is one of them. Like it or not, agree with it or not, a BS has every right to fight for her/his marriage.

[Mount]

I agree part of it, but as I mentioned earlier, my gut strongly tells me it (her husband seeked outside affair) happened before a few times or many times already (unless I am imagining), so this is not second chance, could the 50th chance, you know what I mean?

 

38 years vs an affair. She feels that the life they built together is more important and has given him a second chance. Rightfully so. Many forgive and don't want to lose all that they know and love. It takes a special person with a big heart to deal with a WS, sounds like his wife is one of them. Like it or not, agree with it or not, a BS has every right to fight for her/his marriage.

[whichwayisup]

I agree part of it, but as I mentioned earlier, my gut strongly tells me it (her husband seeked outside affair) happened before a few times or many times already (unless I am imagining), so this is not second chance, could the 50th chance, you know what I mean?

 

Yeah but Mount, you're trusting your gut with a guy who lied and treated you like crap at times, he's done some pretty shi.tty things to you as well! So your own experience and trust issues with him taint what you believe *could* be the truth. Nobody knows but him.

 

It doesn't matter how many chances she gives him, it's her right to if she feels she wants to stay married. You imagining and gut isn't fact. You really do not know.

[Mount]

I am a bit lost about what you are saying....

 

Yeah but Mount, you're trusting your gut with a guy who lied and treated you like crap at times, he's done some pretty shi.tty things to you as well! So your own experience and trust issues with him taint what you believe *could* be the truth. Nobody knows but him.

 

It doesn't matter how many chances she gives him, it's her right to if she feels she wants to stay married. You imagining and gut isn't fact. You really do not know.

[krazikat]

I am a bit lost about what you are saying....

 

I believe what she is saying is that your own issues with him are causing you to expect the worst, so to speak, but how he treats/talks/lies/loves his wife well be completely different from your experience.

 

I am a BS whose wh had a long term affair. I did not think I would/could stay with him after dday, but I did stay for a few reasons. Almost a year later and I can say that I am hspot with my decision to stay with him.

 

Now my backstory is different from most, but whatever his BS has decided, she has her reasons. As does he for staying with her.

[MissBee]

I don't know why this woman is choosing what she is choosing. I don't have enough information.

 

But I am always confused as to why if an OW is willing to currently be with a man who is cheating, downplaying you, lying about your relationship and so on, if he stops the affair and tries to make up with his spouse, why is that seen as preposterous? I feel it is two sides of the same coin. An OW trusts she's special, trust he's not having sex, trust he will leave, trust he doesn't have other OW and believes A LOT of things that often are not verified or even verifiable. In reconciling and rebuilding usually transparency to build trust again occurs and people go from there.

 

However, BSs are all different. Many women, OW, BS, single women, etc get into relationships that are dysfunctional. Being married doesn't necessarily mean you should have been married or that the relationship is good. For my parents for example, my dad is a serial cheater, but he will NEVER divorce my mom and ALWAYS begs for forgiveness, and she ALWAYS forgives. I COULD NOT! But...she chooses to and they both gain something from that dysfunctional scenario. So maybe he and his BS are in something like that. I wouldn't encourage an OW to worry about it though, just be glad you can choose differently. I understand the concern about the MM and BS post affair, it's normal in many ways. But at the end of the day, they had their marriage before you and if the MM chooses to stay married, it will go on after you and however dysfunctional or genuinely loving it is or isn't shouldn't be your worry anymore as all it does is keep you stuck thinking about them and their life.

[Mount]

Thanks for all the replies, quite insightful.

 

Just notice I made typo in my post - Why is she NOT mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

 

I missed the "NOT" word in the post.

[krazikat]

Thanks for all the replies, quite insightful.

 

Just notice I made typo in my post - Why is she NOT mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

 

I missed the "NOT" word in the post.

 

Just because you don't see or hear her anger, I can guarantee it is there. My h fOW did not hear our convo. She may have assumed that h got off Scott free, easy, no consequences. However...I lost my **** on him. Multiple times. For me, the sheer rage scared even me. It was black out fight time type rage. Body shaking, nausea inducing, living off coffee and cigarette kind of.rage.

 

Again, ow was not privy to this rage.

 

So just remember, you don't have to see it to believe it. The anger is there.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for all the replies, quite insightful.

 

Just notice I made typo in my post - Why is she NOT mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

 

I missed the "NOT" word in the post.

 

How do you know she's not mad or resenting? I have not read any of your other posts, but if you really think she is well aware of her cheating husband's long-time serial cheating, I would guess that she IS mad AND resenting, she just keeps it to herself.

 

Why would she keep it to herself?

 

Fear she can't do better than him.

Financial reasons.

Loss of appearance/respect from others for "long happy marriage and happy family"

Low self esteem

Doesn't care about him anymore and has lost her sex drive

Has done even worse to him than he to her

or any of a thousand other reasons or dysfunctions

 

By the same token, I think the more puzzling question to me is, Why does the WS stay with the BS if they want to cheat on them for the whole marriage?

 

And also, I'm sorry if you are the OW/OM, but I also wonder why even bother getting involved with such a dysfunctional person and their dysfunctional spouse?

 

There's probably more than enough dysfunction to go around in these situations.

 

My feeling is that when a BS stays with an obviously cheating and unremorseful WS, usually the BS feels trapped for some reason. I really feel sorry for the BS. Maybe the WS feels trapped, too, for some reason. Who knows?

[Owl]

Thanks for all the replies, quite insightful.

 

Just notice I made typo in my post - Why is she NOT mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

 

I missed the "NOT" word in the post.

 

How do you know that she knows he's cheated in the past? He claims he hasn't, and HER actions kind of indicate that perhaps he hasn't, and that your 'gut' could be wrong. Have you considered this as an alternate explanation to the dichotomy you're seeing?

 

Why do you think she should do anything other than what she's been doing? DO you have any evidence or proof that she has been given enough information to know that he's cheated in the past? If she's not had reason to do so...why is it surprising that she'd choose to forgive and work on the marriage?

 

You were (are?) willing to forgive this man for far more...you KNEW what he was doing to her...and yet you remained in a relationship with him with full knowledge of his duplicity. She's not had nearly as much evidence as you've had...and she's invested far more time and energy into her relationship with him thatn you have over your short affair with him...why do you expect her to react differently then?

[Mount]

OWL - you have a very interesting point defending the MM now.

 

My gut or my instinct keeps telling me he has done that many times, also he seems to have many female work friends rather than male. But I don't have way to prove the history, also I don't believe those women would open mouth telling me so either.

 

I am not saying his wife is not supposed to maintain the marriage, it is their job. I am just saying what kind of woman can tolerate husband keeps having affair behind her back, while she at least keeps cool. It must require big heart a lot.

 

 

 

How do you know that she knows he's cheated in the past? He claims he hasn't, and HER actions kind of indicate that perhaps he hasn't, and that your 'gut' could be wrong. Have you considered this as an alternate explanation to the dichotomy you're seeing?

 

Why do you think she should do anything other than what she's been doing? DO you have any evidence or proof that she has been given enough information to know that he's cheated in the past? If she's not had reason to do so...why is it surprising that she'd choose to forgive and work on the marriage?

 

You were (are?) willing to forgive this man for far more...you KNEW what he was doing to her...and yet you remained in a relationship with him with full knowledge of his duplicity. She's not had nearly as much evidence as you've had...and she's invested far more time and energy into her relationship with him thatn you have over your short affair with him...why do you expect her to react differently then?

[whichwayisup]

My gut or my instinct keeps telling me he has done that many times, also he seems to have many female work friends rather than male. But I don't have way to prove the history, also I don't believe those women would open mouth telling me so either.

 

He likes attention from women PERIOD, it feeds his ego and it makes him feel like a man, I guess? He probably is intimidated by men in general therefore feels more comfortable with women friends. He enjoys the flirting and dynamic of a friendship with a woman. Maybe he has had other affairs, maybe he's just had inappropriate flirting and sexting...Again, only he knows the truth and honestly, if he did have other affairs, it isn't your business so don't go asking them! It'll just make you focus more on him rather than letting go and trying your best to detach and not care anymore.

I am not saying his wife is not supposed to maintain the marriage, it is their job. I am just saying what kind of woman can tolerate husband keeps having affair behind her back, while she at least keeps cool. It must require big heart a lot.

 

Yes it does require a big heart and someone who believes in their vows, believes that they can work through it. She feels for whatever reason he's worth fighting for and maybe he IS giving her indications that he is remorseful and doing all that he can to show her he's worth it too. Put on the crocky tears and say I love you and I will continue to work hard to regain your trust and respect again, then yeah, she sees he's working hard and is deserving of a chance to make things better

 

Remember this man, like many MM, are skilled and masters at lying and they KNOW how to deceive well to get their way. Whether or not he's sincere doesn't matter right now. he's not in your life anymore Mount and as sad as you feel, it's time for you to get busy and let go of him...

[dreamingoftigers]

My mother who had ZERO history of violence and didn't get into rages at all toward my father hit him so hard she broke her finger.

 

It now has a permanent bend in it.

 

I bet 110% that his fOW never heard about it.

 

OW/OM don't know what goes on in a marriage just about as much as BS don't know about OM/OW. What you know is the illusion that the WS weaves for you.

[waytogo]

Let put OWs or MMs case aside, in my case, yes I had feeling for MM (that is why how affair began anyway), but if you ask me to be the spouse of the MM, I won't say yes.

 

For them in marriage so long 36 year-ish, and also my gut tells me the MM is highly possible being the repeatedly having affair, even though he firmly told me that I am his first affair:eek:, that I highly doubted.

 

Anyway, I don't think BS does not the true color of this MM, but how come she still likes to put the facard together? MM told me that wife does not leak any of our affair information to their adult children, that I might believe.

 

The wife is strong keeping the good man image for him, why is that? Because the MM is the king of maniuplation? Why is she mad or resenting her husband's lying constantly? I am very curious about that.

 

 

Mount, please tell me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you are annoyed and disappointed BW doesn't leave MM. If I am correct, is this because you want her to leave him so he will be with you?

 

If BW leaves him and he is with you and you are correct he cheats over and over, how will you handle it? Are you going to leave him the first time he cheats on you? The third or tenth? Do you have a number of betrayals in mind that will be your limit per year or decade? Why are you worried about her reaction to things you aren't even sure have happened? You've put a lot of thought into what she has or hasn't done. What is it you want her to do?

[Mount]

No, I won't want to be with MM in the formality of marriage for sure. I did not expect her to anything, but I am just curious about how she is able to be convinced by MM and totally blindly trusting MM. Even though I did not hear their conversation, you can image who is the bad gal in the affair with her husband.

 

Mount, please tell me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you are annoyed and disappointed BW doesn't leave MM. If I am correct, is this because you want her to leave him so he will be with you?

 

If BW leaves him and he is with you and you are correct he cheats over and over, how will you handle it? Are you going to leave him the first time he cheats on you? The third or tenth? Do you have a number of betrayals in mind that will be your limit per year or decade? Why are you worried about her reaction to things you aren't even sure have happened? You've put a lot of thought into what she has or hasn't done. What is it you want her to do?

[waytogo]

No, I won't want to be with MM in the formality of marriage for sure. I did not expect her to anything, but I am just curious about how she is able to be convinced by MM and totally blindly trusting MM. Even though I did not hear their conversation, you can image who is the bad gal in the affair with her husband.

 

So are you saying she knows of your affair with him? He tells you he has never had an affair before you. Do you know if she is aware of him ever having any affair with anyone including you?

[Mount]

That is my original question here, because obvious I had no time or it was un-necessary to ask her this question either.

 

My gut strongly tells me the MM has been in the affair many times, even he claims he was not. I wonder as his wife, she should have known her husband's true color, but still plays cool, that is outstanding.

 

So are you saying she knows of your affair with him? He tells you he has never had an affair before you. Do you know if she is aware of him ever having any affair with anyone including you?

[waytogo]

That is my original question here, because obvious I had no time or it was un-necessary to ask her this question either.

 

My gut strongly tells me the MM has been in the affair many times, even he claims he was not. I wonder as his wife, she should have known her husband's true color, but still plays cool, that is outstanding.

 

Mount, I'm just going to post the obvious. You don't have evidence BW knows of any affair MM has had. Not even his affair with you. You are very focused on her reaction to all these affairs YOU believe he has had but dont know yourself.

 

What you DO know is he is at least engaged in affair number one, with you. You suspect there have been many before you but continue the affair with him. Shouldn't you be more concerned with how much you 'play cool' when you are the only person you can be sure knows of at least one of his affairs, the one with you?

 

Why are you thinking about what she should think feel and do instead of thinking about what you should think feel and do?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am going to jump in here because I have been both a MOW and a BS. When my dday happened, it was very very public. Our names read before the church in a worship service, etc.

 

When my husband had his affair and I confronted him, I wanted to handle things so much differently - with love. I knew he was hurting (still from my affair) and I also knew that he was very guilt ridden. I did not want this to be a huge big public thing like mine was. So I quietly let her stay ( she was an employee) for two months and then she left with some bs that she was going back to school (she never did as far as I know). I told my best friend and my sister because I needed someone to talk to and my husband eventually told our daughters (my son still doesn't know yet which is a problem for me but it will come in time).

 

We have been married 33 years - so there is a whole lot of reasons why she may look the other way (if in fact he has been unfaithful before). In my case, huge history, failing parents he doesn't want to disappoint and neither do I, kids, property, business, reputation in the community, etc. In my case, I took a huge hit when my affair was discovered, but being a nurturer at heart, I didn't want to see my husband go through that. First of all, I saw his grief and secondly having lived that I would never want another human being to experience that - ever.

 

I can't say why this particular BS would do what she's doing IF there have been other affairs (and you don't know that). But it appears we have been married about the same length of time and you just don't decide to walk away from something that has so many years invested in it. She might be scared of loss of reputation, status, home, money, etc. Some women will tolerate a lot for all of those things. I look at my situation and although I would be okay if my husband and I divorced, I know I wouldn't be doing the same things I do now and enjoying some of the same luxuries like going on vacation, etc. Also our family holidays would change. Change is very very hard and I am at the age where even though I think at times I would like change, I guess I would rather make change WiTHIN my given situation than change it completely by leaving. Four years ago I probably wouldn't have said that - but it is true today.

 

Hope that helps a little and I didn't ramble too much.

[Mount]

Thank you for you input...very insightful.

 

I am going to jump in here because I have been both a MOW and a BS. When my dday happened, it was very very public. Our names read before the church in a worship service, etc.

 

When my husband had his affair and I confronted him, I wanted to handle things so much differently - with love. I knew he was hurting (still from my affair) and I also knew that he was very guilt ridden. I did not want this to be a huge big public thing like mine was. So I quietly let her stay ( she was an employee) for two months and then she left with some bs that she was going back to school (she never did as far as I know). I told my best friend and my sister because I needed someone to talk to and my husband eventually told our daughters (my son still doesn't know yet which is a problem for me but it will come in time).

 

We have been married 33 years - so there is a whole lot of reasons why she may look the other way (if in fact he has been unfaithful before). In my case, huge history, failing parents he doesn't want to disappoint and neither do I, kids, property, business, reputation in the community, etc. In my case, I took a huge hit when my affair was discovered, but being a nurturer at heart, I didn't want to see my husband go through that. First of all, I saw his grief and secondly having lived that I would never want another human being to experience that - ever.

 

I can't say why this particular BS would do what she's doing IF there have been other affairs (and you don't know that). But it appears we have been married about the same length of time and you just don't decide to walk away from something that has so many years invested in it. She might be scared of loss of reputation, status, home, money, etc. Some women will tolerate a lot for all of those things. I look at my situation and although I would be okay if my husband and I divorced, I know I wouldn't be doing the same things I do now and enjoying some of the same luxuries like going on vacation, etc. Also our family holidays would change. Change is very very hard and I am at the age where even though I think at times I would like change, I guess I would rather make change WiTHIN my given situation than change it completely by leaving. Four years ago I probably wouldn't have said that - but it is true today.

 

Hope that helps a little and I didn't ramble too much.

[Owl]

Why are you thinking about what she should think feel and do instead of thinking about what you should think feel and do?

 

Mount, this is a key question you should answer.

 

You don't have any reason to honestly believe that she knows about ANY of his affairs. But you're focusing on why she doesn't do something about it. NON SEQUITER

 

She is still there because he's convinced her that he's trustworthy...which is a straight up lie.

 

YOU are there because he's NOT trustworthy...as evidenced by his affair with you.

 

Stop worrying about why she stays...start worrying about why YOU are still there!

[janedoe67]

I'm wondering why their marriage is any of the OP's business now that the WH and BW are reconciling. It's kinda weird.