tigerskye Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Hey ladies. I need some help! My boyfriend and I have been together for a littler over 3 years and after about nine months of dating I went off to college and a little later he went into the army. We were serperate for 3 months not seeing each other and then 4 months of only seeing each other on the weekend. While he was away we discussed getting married and even thought we would do it right then. We decided we better not because it is too soon. Then I decided to come home to go to school and since he is in the national guard he got to come home. We still had a close relationship but did not talk about marriage much even though I kept thinking he would ask me. I moved in with a girl that was engaged and we became best friends. She asked me to be in her wedding(just thought you should know) which keep my mind off me wanting to get engaged. Though at our 2 year anniversary I thought he would ask me. Then he got papers to be sent to Iraq on Jan. 3rd. I thought for sure he would ask me before he left but he did not. They got delayed and he stayed till Feb. 22nd(my birthday) and I thought he might ask me on valentine's day or my birthday and he did not! I kept getting upset and feeling horrible! Now I am living with another girl who just got engaged(and I am in her wedding too) and he thinks I want to get married because they are. That is not it. I want to get engaged and get married because I love him and I know it. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I want the world to know. I thought he would ask me on our 3 year anniversary but he did not and I don't think he is going to ask me a christmas. I keep getting upset about it and I cannot stop it. I need help. I need to know what to do. How do I stop for hurting? How can I stop making him feel bad for not being ready? What is wrong with me?
Anais Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I am sorry you are sad now. I am not good in giving advice but here is what I thought you could do. Tell him you are over the engagement thing now and try to really get over it. I know this might be hard. But you cannot force him to be engaged. And there is no way that he does it only not to upset you. I am sure it is not what you want ether. Try to find some other life goals and focus on them. Only patience and time can solve your problem.
Author tigerskye Posted December 23, 2004 Author Posted December 23, 2004 Thank you for the advice. I am trying to put some of my focus into college but for so reason I cannot stop thinking about him not wanting to get married to me. I feel as though he is not in the same spot in our relationship as me. He says he is but I truely don't think he is there yet. I feel that he is not ready to committed to me even though he says he is. I tell him this and he thinks I am being mean but it is the truth or at least I think it is. I just don't know how to stop thinking about it. I keep thinking that he is not as committed as me and start question whether he will ever be ready to committ to me. I have a feeling he has a fear of committing to marriage and truely trusting someone. His parents spilt up when he was 15 and they fought over custody of him till the day he turned 18 and he dad then threw him out. Both parents have got remarried but his mom has got a divorce again. He lives with his friend's parents. He dropped out of high school, which he finally went back when we got together and finsihed. Then joined army to pay for school. He missed a year of school because of army. went half a semster lost another year of school because of army. He is now finally got back into tech. and he is telling me he wants to wait till he is out of school and finicially ready before getting married so he knows he can support me. I don't need supporting I need a man that loves me, which is him. But anywayz....how can I stop thinking about this? How can I stop getting depressed when I think he will ask me and I get a necklace instead?
fancypants Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 men are strange little creatures. They seem to think we need this big huge expensive ring, a huge wedding and so on. They get all paniced about things that have to do with weddings. I was with my husband for four years before he even asked! I wanted to marry him do bad! Every time a holiday would come around I woudl think he was going to ak me, but he never did, then one day out of the blue he asked me...It was just his time, and he was finally ready! So just be patient! Or find out how he really fells about you!
blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Sorry about your frustrations. Having been divorced I now think marriage is highly overrated....I went into it thinking that the marriage would make my ex more responsible, that he would just know how to be a "husband". Ah, bitterness. Anyways, don't fixate so much on your relationship - I am concerned about the fact that you mention it interferes with your focus on your studies. This makes it a problem, and one that needs to be addressed. Your college/university probably offers free counseling. Please talk to someone about this so that you can focus on what is IMPORTANT.....YOU.
Author tigerskye Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 I just wanted to write to yall to tell you what is going on now! The day before Christmas Eve my boyfriend and I talked about getting engaged and I actually told him I wanted one for Christmas and would be upset if I did not get one. He got really upset about it and we got in a huge agruement about it. I felt bad all Christmas Eve morning while I was at work and started thinking. I love this man, yes we have our ups and downs just like everybody esle but I really know he loves me and will ask me. He told me he would never do it on a holiday because I expect it too much. I think he wanted me to want to marry him but wanted me to let him do it on his own. So I decided I would put this thinking about having to get engaged and have fun with my great relationship I do have. So on Christmas Eve night when we exchanged gifts and I got a SRL camera I was actually more happy than I have ever been because I think if I had got a ring for Christmas I would feel like I was pressuring him to do something he was not ready to do. We have actually been more happy this week than I think we have in the last month since I am trying to let him do it on his own. I know he will ask me, I just need to give him time. We are only 21 and both in college and broke. So I figure once he has his moment he will get me the ring and be ready! I still have to say I want it more than anything but I think right now I am learning and still learning to keep my relationship happy and fun so once we are ready and he does ask me we will still have a strong relationship becuase if I keep having my thoughts and wants to be engaged it will hurt our relationship and I may not get to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. So I wanted to say thanks to the girls that responded to my post and the other girls that started threads and the ones that posted to them. Yall really helped me!!! Thanks!
FolderWife Posted December 31, 2004 Posted December 31, 2004 Geeze! Ok, since you want to be engaged so badly, I'm SURE that you hint around about it a lot. I'm sure that he KNEW that you were expecting it for Christmas, and New Years, and Valentines Day, and Your Birthday, and the first day of summer, and the first day of fall, and Halloween, and Thanksgiving......... I'm sure that he knew that you were expecting it. So maybe he wants it to be a suprise? Maybe since you expect it every holiday, he can't do it on a holiday, because you're EXPECTING it. I'm also sure you whined and told him how disappointed that you are that he hasn't proposed yet. I'm sure you ALWAYS bring it up, and talk about your friends being engaged. Leave it to a man to do exactly opposite of what you want. THEREFOR, you MUST not EVER mention your new "Wedding" magazine, or the ring that you saw in Zales, or the Flower Girl dress you stumbled across on Ebay, or your friend's engagement EVER AGAIN. Don't even act interested in engagement. Let him think that you're over it. Let him think that you couldn't care less whether or not you ever get engaged. Then and only then will he propose. Why you ask? Because he's a man, and he'll only do it if you don't want it. I'm reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and it is a GREAT book! It tells of how men need to be needed, but they are turned off by neediness. Men need to be trusted, and whenever a woman is disappointed in him for not proposing, or always bringing it up, he feels like she doesn't TRUST him to propose, or TRUST him to make her happy. It also tells how men can't STAND to feel controlled. Men want to do it their way. Hence the reason they don't ask for directions. If you'd suggest that he ask for directions, not only are you not trusting him to get you there, but you are trying to control him. So by you expecting him to propose, you are trying to control him. So you don't trust him to propose. That's your number one mistake. You're coming off as needy. That's your second mistake. You are REALLY let down when he doesn't propose when you think he should....because you want to be in control of when it happens. That's your third mistake. Lighten up! As long as you expect it, it ain't going to happen!
Author tigerskye Posted January 1, 2005 Author Posted January 1, 2005 Here is a update on me. Tonight my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner and a movie because we have not been out in a long time because I had my wisdom teeth out right before Christmas and I have had a bad time with it and I have not been up to going out. Everything was going perfect till he answered his phone in the movies(one of my big pet peeves) and was having a conversation. I nudded him and after a bit he got off. Then after movie I went to bathroom and came out and he was talking on phone. I asked who he was talking to and he was like why do you have to know and that kinda of talk. and we start a fight because he was saying I always started stuff when we were having good nights. It came out to be his mother but I was so mad at him for trying to make me untrusting of him. It is like he wants me to not trust him or have doubts about him. I really hate it. I don't understand why he is acting this why? I feel like I am not doing anything right. I have tried to let go and be happy with our relationship and it bits me in the butt again! I have no idea what to do. We have came home and he left and told me I could go to his place. So I am sitting here writing this and trying to figure out what to do! I feel like I am having tons of ups and downs and cannot find middle ground. To let you in on my background. My mother and sister have both been through depression and on medience for it. I think I am always nervous about myself being the same way. I have tried to talk to my dad about it but he blows it off that everyone goes through those moments. I have talked to my sister about it and she doesn't know what to tell me because she has the same problems I have with being depressed. And I am too scared to talk to my mom about it. I feel like I am stuck in a spot I will never get out of and be happy with! Thanks Monday for your advice. I think I really need to read that book it may help me out more than I know! I know I really need to let go of the engagement thing esspecially around him. I really love him and we do usually have a really good time together but we do have our downs and I wonder if that is why he has not asked me. I think I feel that after so long with someone you know if they are the one or not and that if you cannot ask them then you should not be with them! If anyone has more advice for me...please let me have it! I am also needing it!
VirginiaBob Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 Just so you know, in today's world of equal rights, it doesn't always have to be the man that proposes to the woman. It sounds like you are so upset about him not proposing to you, but maybe you should be the one making the initiative rather than forcing him to.
Barby Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 With the arguing and fighting that seems to be going on it sounds like neither of you need to be "proposing" you need to work on the jealousy, mistrust, and communication issues first so you don't end up getting married only to end up divorced because you two didn't fix this before hand. Marriage doesn't solve the problems you have in a relationship, the relationship needs to be good and solid before trying to move on to the next step.
Author tigerskye Posted January 1, 2005 Author Posted January 1, 2005 We actually finally made up last night after a long discussion about me and my agrue and depression. I keep blowing things up. I am thinking about taking blind_otter suggustion to me to go to counseling. I think I need it more for myself than anything. I need myself to grow and be able to be happy! I am really an old fashion girl so I don't think I could ever propose to him.
FolderWife Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 It sounds like you are scared to death that he's going to leave you. Also, you sound a little controlling. If he wants to talk on the phone in the movie theater, and you don't like it, don't demand that he get off the phone, just don't go to the movies with him any more. You wouldn't demand that your cousin get off the phone. You just would either suck it up, or not go with them any more. Don't tell him what to do...you're not his mother. I'd never tell my husband to get off the phone. He's a grown man, and as long as what he's doing doesn't hurt me, or directly effect me, then by all means! If he wants to spend the night at his uncle's, that's ok...but if he does it in excess, then I'll let him know that I don't like it. If he does it even though I don't like it, then I can either accept it, or divorce him. You can't change people, so stop trying to change him. Accept him, talking on the phone at the movies and all, or dump him. There's no other ground. You can calmly tell him how you feel about it, but it's still his decision whether or not to do it. I get so mad at my husband when he gets angry at me for not doing what he TOLD me to do. Um, You're not my boss, you're my husband! It would absolutely piss me off if I was on the phone, and someone (hubby, mom, anyone) nudged me to make me get off. I'd talk that much longer! I think you want to get engaged, because you are afraid of him leaving you. The faster you marry him, the faster you think you'll be able to relax.
7on Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob Just so you know, in today's world of equal rights, it doesn't always have to be the man that proposes to the woman. It sounds like you are so upset about him not proposing to you, but maybe you should be the one making the initiative rather than forcing him to. Yeah, didn't Monica propose to Chandler on "Friends?" haha, I've already discussed marriage with this FWB I'm hanging with. Not specifically about her, just asked if she could see herself getting married someday. So yeah, I'm just a bit odd and out there with my feelings.
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 I think the bottom line is, he will ask you when he wants to, no sooner. You can't make someone do something they aren't ready to do.
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