Lesbian...3 month coming up...GF is showing an ugly side

[AlexAD]

I have been with my GF for almost 3 months now and she is showing a very ugly side to her over the past few weeks. I am really disappointed in the way things are going as of late. I have seen red flags though, so I cant say I am surprised but things like being rude to a waiter, or impatience....

 

Honestly though...I am so sad because I really wanted it to be her. Shes a physician, attractive, and WAS so nice, generous and fun. Maybe that's the thing though, and I am just in "like" with the idea of her...but it's like she was so charming and so interesting in the beginning and treated me so nicely, and this is so sudden to be turning. 3 months-I mean, wow, couldn't she have taken a little more time? or is 3 months just as long as these people can hide it?

 

See-she is rude and her tone is horrible and I just don't think that changes. It's to the point where I could say, "The weather is weird today," and she will respond, "it's not weird, it's WINDY," and just contradict the stupidest crap just to do it. If I compliment her, she retorts with some type of anti-sentiment and reverses what I say, while laughing in an arrogant way. I answered the phone the other day, waking up from a nap, and she snapped at me, "You're mumbling and I don't understand a word you just said :::scoff:::" It comes across so harsh. I am just not that way. While my dog was sick and I was paying $500 for vet bills, she found it necessary to tell me how "unattractive" it was that I didnt get her professionally groomed when we first met?

 

Her mother was very abusive an borderline (think Black Swan) so maybe that has to do with it...but I am just feeling bad now and thinking about how i dont think I can be with her....

[melell]

I would say that if these things are this clear to you already- wait until a year of the same thing.

 

You can wait it out and see if it improves/can be worked on, or, you can walk away now.

 

Either way don't leave it too long...

[smuggy95]

I remember learning about the 4 horsemen who signal the death of a relationship. One of them is contempt.

When one partner loses respect for the other...it's a hard thing to overcome. You can't do anything right.

And maybe it's her mom, maybe it's her needing some space/boundaries. BUT you can't just wait it out. Either you discuss it and work on it (maybe counseling, though 3 months..really?)

Sometimes, when i want out of a relationship, i subconsciously make myself as unattractive as possible.

And sometimes, when i have a bad day, I take it out on everyone.

Either she's wanting out, a horrible person, or is having a rough time at work.

The only way you can tell is by talking. Steady yourself for the worst, hope for the best.

/also a physician, also a lesbian, knows bad days can get rough but usually my partner isn't my punching bag, but a source of comfort.

[Grumpybutfun]

Being on the receiving in of contempt is never pleasant. I don't care how she looks on paper, if she is treating you this bad so early in your relationship, the future doesn't look bright. Your partner should be someone whom you feel comfortable with who treats you well even if the rest of the world is falling apart.

Good luck,

Grumps

[madjac74]

Some people are hard because they are scared of being loved and scared of opening up and being vulnerable. It is usually because of something in their past and they built up emotional walls around them over the years.

 

If you really love her and want to continue the relationship then you need to break her. Even the toughest people can break down if you continue to love them and push them. I know this because I am one of these hard people who does everything to push away people who love me.

[AlexAD]

I remember learning about the 4 horsemen who signal the death of a relationship. One of them is contempt.

When one partner loses respect for the other...it's a hard thing to overcome. You can't do anything right.

And maybe it's her mom, maybe it's her needing some space/boundaries. BUT you can't just wait it out. Either you discuss it and work on it (maybe counseling, though 3 months..really?)

Sometimes, when i want out of a relationship, i subconsciously make myself as unattractive as possible.

And sometimes, when i have a bad day, I take it out on everyone.

Either she's wanting out, a horrible person, or is having a rough time at work.

The only way you can tell is by talking. Steady yourself for the worst, hope for the best.

/also a physician, also a lesbian, knows bad days can get rough but usually my partner isn't my punching bag, but a source of comfort.

 

Everything you said makes a lot of sense to me....

 

1) Agree...no way would I get counseling after 3 months lol. Just not happening. Getting counseling at 3 months would speak to itself in that you just shouldnt be.

 

And yes...I do believe maybe she needs to be broken and these are defense mechanisms....but that's not my way either....

 

Its not like I can tell you all everything on here but in the past few days, it has just gotten worse....uninvited me from a trip to NY to meet her family for her sister's graduation, claiming that she was just going to go for the night....first stating that she had to see if it was okay with them if I came and stayed....then two days later saying that (They live in a giant home in upstate NY).

 

2) I agree fully with you that my partner is a source of comfort. FULLY. And that's that. She has been rude to me since month two when I got there at 8 PM after she worked a 10am-8pm shift and she was "tired." Guess what, we all work. We're all tired. Maybe we're not "Doctor's" but it's not excuse...I am not a punching bag and I am tired already of the treatment. It's not like I am some weakling either.

 

I am successful, very smart, nearly completing my masters degree, very attractive, work out daily, excel at work, great personality....I'm a catch. I am not about to stick around. I was supposed to see her yesterday, which was since Monday that I would have been meeting up....I cancelled because of my sick pet...now I won't see her till Sunday. When I do see her Sunday, I will decide how I feel. If I am not happy, then next week I will make a big decision.

 

It seems like my mind is already made up though.

[AlexAD]

Some people are hard because they are scared of being loved and scared of opening up and being vulnerable. It is usually because of something in their past and they built up emotional walls around them over the years.

 

If you really love her and want to continue the relationship then you need to break her. Even the toughest people can break down if you continue to love them and push them. I know this because I am one of these hard people who does everything to push away people who love me.

 

Part of me believes this and more power to you for knowing this about yourself....

 

With her....as a "physician" I feel like she is so used to bossing everyone around, with such a giant ego over what she overcame and now what she has accomplished that she isn't going to be someone who admits fault or will break....She wants love but her way.

[AlexAD]

I would say that if these things are this clear to you already- wait until a year of the same thing.

 

You can wait it out and see if it improves/can be worked on, or, you can walk away now.

 

Either way don't leave it too long...

 

Agree...I have tried to talk about it too....and all that happens is she says I am picking on her and, "Oh I don't like where this is going."

[smuggy95]

How are you approaching the conversation? Sometimes writing out your thoughts first can help you line up what you really want to say.

And I totally agree...she might just need to be pushed to love. But who is the real her...was fun/generous girlfriend the real her, or is this her real side showing up?

It sounds like you have a good plan and good head on your shoulders. We are here to support.

[AlexAD]

How are you approaching the conversation? Sometimes writing out your thoughts first can help you line up what you really want to say.

And I totally agree...she might just need to be pushed to love. But who is the real her...was fun/generous girlfriend the real her, or is this her real side showing up?

It sounds like you have a good plan and good head on your shoulders. We are here to support.

 

I broke up with her.

[smuggy95]

Good for you. I hope it went ok, and not too much nastiness?

[AlexAD]

Good for you. I hope it went ok, and not too much nastiness?

 

Ayee....

 

Not well.. She was not happy, and still isn't, but then sincere. She is really upset and I am upset too. I was very honest and her reaction was defensive. I feel like she pushed me away so so much thinking I was going to wallow or something at some point and beg her to not get rid of me, or be nice....but instead I said **** this.

 

It happened on the phone because she works a lot but also brought it up...I am going to see her Wednesday and have a discussion. The thing is though, I have been very kind and rational, and she has been completely, "I am hurt," "You must not love me the same as I love you," "I cant believe youre not coming here tonight, one of us could die and we arent seeing each other and its my one free night..." etc. etc. Like...um.

 

Now she just told me she is getting a kidney stone. All of this is ugh and basically, feels manipulative but maybe thats what people do when they panic. I will see her Sunday and have a conversation like an adult and because I owe it to her as a human being. I love her but I don't know what I can tolerate. I cant never see her again, not after we said I love you, and had a relationship. I can have a conversation though and tell her I want to be able to talk to her without her getting upset or mad at me. I will see how she reacts and if it's very bad then I will leave and know it is just not going to work and that I did everything I could and I have to walk away, but I wasn't a coward and that I wasn't unhealthy or scared and I didn't lead her astray.

[dreamingoftigers]

Agree...I have tried to talk about it too....and all that happens is she says I am picking on her and, "Oh I don't like where this is going."

 

This really says it all right here.....

 

If someone in a relationship with you for THREE months acts as though its a chore to hear you....blech. No good.

[dreamingoftigers]

It happened on the phone because she works a lot but also brought it up...I am going to see her Wednesday and have a discussion. The thing is though, I have been very kind and rational, and she has been completely, "I am hurt," "You must not love me the same as I love you," "I cant believe youre not coming here tonight, one of us could die and we arent seeing each other and its my one free night..." etc. etc. Like...um.

 

Do you really think she didn't expect it after she uninvited you to NY?

By the way, I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s. You mentioned that she had a BPD mother? This line of conversation sounds exactly like I would've responded at 19 (when I "qualified" as BPD).

 

Now she just told me she is getting a kidney stone. All of this is ugh and basically, feels manipulative but maybe thats what people do when they panic.

 

This strikes me as pure manipulation. She's a physician. If she's concerned about kidney stones, she knows where to turn and the resources available to her. Furthermore, you just broke up, if it was me I would stop confiding about "potential" health issues. Notice she said she "might be getting a kidney stone." Yeah, me too, I also "might be" getting a Private Jet or the Ebola Virus. "Might be" "someday."

 

I will see her Sunday and have a conversation like an adult and because I owe it to her as a human being. I love her but I don't know what I can tolerate. I cant never see her again, not after we said I love you, and had a relationship.

Yeah, you really can. You already sound pretty far past this as it is.

Good thing you didn't bring the U-Haul on the second date.

 

I can have a conversation though and tell her I want to be able to talk to her without her getting upset or mad at me. I will see how she reacts and if it's very bad then I will leave and know it is just not going to work and that I did

everything I could and I have to walk away, but I wasn't a coward and that I wasn't unhealthy or scared and I didn't lead her astray.

 

I think given the circumstance you handled it and are continuing to handle it well. Congratulations, that's rare.

I'm sure there are many well-groomed dogs in her future.

[smuggy95]

hehehe well groomed dogs.

 

Do what's best for you. and I thought I could never completely cut ties with my ex. But i'm starting to realize through NC that....i'd rather not talk to her than to see her go on with her life with me being a side character, who will be forgotten as soon as she finds someone to make out with.

[AlexAD]

Do you really think she didn't expect it after she uninvited you to NY?

By the way, I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s. You mentioned that she had a BPD mother? This line of conversation sounds exactly like I would've responded at 19 (when I "qualified" as BPD).

 

 

 

This strikes me as pure manipulation. She's a physician. If she's concerned about kidney stones, she knows where to turn and the resources available to her. Furthermore, you just broke up, if it was me I would stop confiding about "potential" health issues. Notice she said she "might be getting a kidney stone." Yeah, me too, I also "might be" getting a Private Jet or the Ebola Virus. "Might be" "someday."

 

 

Yeah, you really can. You already sound pretty far past this as it is.

Good thing you didn't bring the U-Haul on the second date.

 

 

 

I think given the circumstance you handled it and are continuing to handle it well. Congratulations, that's rare.

I'm sure there are many well-groomed dogs in her future.

 

I know what you mean...friend is a physician so friend rx'd her the meds. Sent me a photo of them...conveniently, in the rx bottles, and the dates are right. Asked my friend who is a doc if these help with the pain as she mentioned she feels better this AM (I am humoring it and seemingly, having a heart), and he said the pain stops when it passes but theres no telling really, but more or less shes probably being truthful if she does have it.

 

Either way, I could call my friend too and say, "Ow I think I have a kidney stone starting, please RX me something," then send a pic of it to her, and ask for sympathy.

 

I agree with you fully that this sounds BPD. Have I mentioned that my masters is in "Family/Marital Counseling and Drug Rehabilitation," AKA Mental Health Counseling, and I study it on my own as well...

 

In addition, I have been to a number of psychs and therapists on my own...my father died at 9. I know a great deal about these things. I also was a drug rep and sold Bipolar meds/Schizo meds.

 

On Wednesday (*I meant Wednesday before not Sunday), I will go see her, and judge her reactions and see how she responds to what I say. So far, not so good. She has been the victim here and ever so *hurt* when I have been the one who was treated with contempt. But....it's early enough on too where I can see if this is just a defense mechanism learned from her shi**y upbrining in which maybe she pushed and pushed and pushed and thought I'd say, "Please just be nice, babe, what did I do," and wallow, but instead I said, "F this..." because the last time I had a girlfriend treat me poorly, I let it go on for months and it completely polarized and depleted me financially, mentally, I lost 20lbs (I dont need to lose even 10), lost my job, and became a disaster. So one glimpse of that and I said hell no. Baggage from both is crazy. I feel sad though that maybe she f*d up the whole relationship though because she was scared and now she is majorly regretting it.

 

I need to see how she reacts Wednesday. As of now, I am just not convinced...I feel upset.

 

Thanks guys.

[AlexAD]

hehehe well groomed dogs.

 

Do what's best for you. and I thought I could never completely cut ties with my ex. But i'm starting to realize through NC that....i'd rather not talk to her than to see her go on with her life with me being a side character, who will be forgotten as soon as she finds someone to make out with.

 

 

Thanks Smuggy....after Wednesday (I meant Wednesday before, not Sunday)....I may just go NC, and I've done it before, and it was what I had to do.

[reddragon588]

Have you talked to her about this? Communication and honesty and openness are the keys to healthy relationships.

[AlexAD]

Have you talked to her about this? Communication and honesty and openness are the keys to healthy relationships.

 

We have a little and will more on Wednesday...

 

Thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

Its pretty early for a "breakup and salvage" job if you know what I mean.

 

Good for you for looking it over but man....three months.....

 

I mean if we were talking 3 years and living together etc etc etc.

 

But a three-month dump and recon?

 

I DO think you're handling it well, but it would practically have to be a 180 to fix it up at this point and a lot of time to see if it's genuine.

[AlexAD]

Its pretty early for a "breakup and salvage" job if you know what I mean.

 

Good for you for looking it over but man....three months.....

 

I mean if we were talking 3 years and living together etc etc etc.

 

But a three-month dump and recon?

 

I DO think you're handling it well, but it would practically have to be a 180 to fix it up at this point and a lot of time to see if it's genuine.

 

My Mom just yelled at me and said the same thing...lol. You're 100% correct. I am going to handle this tomorrow and tell you what happens.

[AlexAD]

Its pretty early for a "breakup and salvage" job if you know what I mean.

 

Good for you for looking it over but man....three months.....

 

I mean if we were talking 3 years and living together etc etc etc.

 

But a three-month dump and recon?

 

I DO think you're handling it well, but it would practically have to be a 180 to fix it up at this point and a lot of time to see if it's genuine.

 

Well it's done and its a nightmare...filled with explanations and long winded messages and badgering...and I'm just ignoring it but I'm annoyed.

 

She can go be a doctor now, be miserable, cold and guarded, and enjoy helping strangers who treat her like ****, while counting her money.

[pteromom]

Well it's done and its a nightmare...filled with explanations and long winded messages and badgering...and I'm just ignoring it but I'm annoyed.

 

She can go be a doctor now, be miserable, cold and guarded, and enjoy helping strangers who treat her like ****, while counting her money.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

Unfortunately, if she isn't willing to communicate and try to solve issues in the relationship, there's just nowhere for you to go but out.

[AlexAD]

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

Unfortunately, if she isn't willing to communicate and try to solve issues in the relationship, there's just nowhere for you to go but out.

 

I just feel sad and annoyed. I am in NC. I dont like doing this. I was so hopeful about everything. She really was quite rude and nasty the past few weeks.

 

I finally just said to her today while ending it, "I dont want a life like this." Even while on the mend, scheduling our time to meet together and the time leading up to it, you'd assume one would be on their best behavior, saying "I love you" and or, treating the other nicely? No, she punished me. I said, I love you, no response. Called her, had a dreary, bland, dreadful conversation that ended with.... "well.....:::pause::: okay.... bye?" her: "bye" :::click:::: for no reason!

 

If I was rude, I hurt my gf and she voiced it to me and asked to talk wednesday...I'd be saying, "Babe, I am so sorry. I cannot wait to see you Wednesday.. I miss you like crazy," especially after not seeing one another for a week...but no, I got nothing....and that's why I ended it today and didn't drive 35 min there to do so.

 

I have had it. And being gay is very hard. When I first came out my mom said, "I am just sad because it is a harder life." I didn't get that, now I do. Back then it was "fun" so hard wasnt part of it. I figured when she said hard she was comparing to Matthew Shepherd so I said no no. Well it is hard...and it's lonely. It's hard to find someone attractive, professional, and now I see....NICE TOO. I am these things....looks like it's another year...two....whatever, of solitude.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm fat if it makes you feel better. LOL

 

Misery loves company.

My particular brand of misery also likes chocolate cake and breaded chicken.

 

It is harder because there are fewer overall candidates?

Or am I missing something huge I should be getting?

 

My cousin says there's a common theme where you can pick two of three with gay guys:

 

1. Good looking

2. Responsible

3. Sane.

 

Frankly, I'm not sure anyone gets any of the three with my cousin. But that's another thread.

 

I just feel sad and annoyed. I am in NC. I dont like doing this. I was so hopeful about everything. She really was quite rude and nasty the past few weeks.

 

I finally just said to her today while ending it, "I dont want a life like this." Even while on the mend, scheduling our time to meet together and the time leading up to it, you'd assume one would be on their best behavior, saying "I love you" and or, treating the other nicely? No, she punished me. I said, I love you, no response. Called her, had a dreary, bland, dreadful conversation that ended with.... "well.....:::pause::: okay.... bye?" her: "bye" :::click:::: for no reason!

 

If I was rude, I hurt my gf and she voiced it to me and asked to talk wednesday...I'd be saying, "Babe, I am so sorry. I cannot wait to see you Wednesday.. I miss you like crazy," especially after not seeing one another for a week...but no, I got nothing....and that's why I ended it today and didn't drive 35 min there to do so.

 

I have had it. And being gay is very hard. When I first came out my mom said, "I am just sad because it is a harder life." I didn't get that, now I do. Back then it was "fun" so hard wasnt part of it. I figured when she said hard she was comparing to Matthew Shepherd so I said no no. Well it is hard...and it's lonely. It's hard to find someone attractive, professional, and now I see....NICE TOO. I am these things....looks like it's another year...two....whatever, of solitude.