gris Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Because I love him and all he does for me. This is a two-part rant that probably should be two separate posts but they feel so connected in my tired, tired head. 1: He claims he does all these things for me and, yes, he makes about twice as much as I do because, yes, I am in the pursuit of self. I am applying to graduate school and doing CV-building research and only work about 20 - 25 hours per week. It's nice of him. I could do it without him, but I'm with him and I love him, so there's no reason to do it without him. And he's doing these things for me. All these things for me. I get it; he's said it. I wish he'd stop saying it. I group up wildly independent and he grew up a bit differently, so he likes to boast that he's taking charge, paying most of the rent, helping me with medical bills (I recently had a hefty bout of awful illness and he cared for me throughout and I'm working to become body-aware and body-gentle). Y'know, I let him talk; it's just talk and he really does love me. He's a Momma's Boy; I was parentified early. We're wading through some insecurities and making uncomfortable changes and growing, and I'm fine with it. 2: The real point is that I feel silly because I love him and all he does for me. He works. All the time. He's in Sales and he works nights, and mornings, and weekends, and holidays and ah, that's the problem. He and I moved 300 miles away from family (where we were most recently) for me to pursue further education &c. (Please note: I didn't tell him to follow. He wanted to follow. This is the third time he's followed.) Momma, Grandma, Sister and Me used to spend it all together. They used to rely on me for so many things and now they seem to be doing just fine and that's great but now I'm 300 miles away (like I was in college, but it's different now somehow because it feels less intentional). I can't tell how the three of them feel or how they are doing and I've never spent a Christmas away from them and I've always bought them blankets and socks so their various illnesses didn't freeze them to death. I've always made them Christmas baked goods. I've always poured them alcoholic apple cider (the older two, anyway). I've always opened gifts with them and thrown wrapping paper everywhere, all over the floor. And I've always sat around with them and waited for estranged Other Family to arrive and eat up all the dinner we cooked. But boyfriend's gotta work on Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. And so I've gotta spend a Christmas away from them because no one's gonna drive 6 hours to hang out for four hours then drive back. OK - why am I whining about spending Christmas away from my family? I don't know! That's part of why I feel silly. It's not OK to leave him here to spend Christmas alone, and I know that much. But should I resign myself to a life of spending Christmas Eve waiting for him to get off work? I mean, probably. That's not some big deal. I just have to alter my traditions and these are just the compromises you make when you enter into a long-term relationship and decide to live together and plan marriage and... So, I should just spend it with him and see family later or earlier, right? Right. Settled. Yeah. Dealt with. So why do I feel so incredibly lonely and miserable right now? This is the kind of thing that makes me want to prematurely make several babies with this gentleman so I can establish my own cute tradition and not feel terrified that one of My Three Girls is going to die at any moment and I'm going to wish I had stayed near them and spent a final Christmas with them because god knows his healthy, robust, driven ass won't die anytime soon of anything other than a work-related heart attack. I'm sad because I miss him and he's never here. I'm sad because I miss my family. I'm sad because I miss my friends. I'm sad because I have no idea if he's the one but I'm trying to force him into being the one because no one has ever allowed me to focus so strongly on my ambitions. I'm sad because he treats me so well but I feel like something's missing still and whatever it is will never click. I'm sad because the love languages we speak aren't the same and Acts of Service don't do it for me quite as much as Physical Touch. I'm sad because he gets mad when I get sad and I can analyze the hell out of it and I know it's one of those fear reactions but he doesn't understand how frustrating everything I'm sad because I can't type well anymore because I'm about to cry so the text looks dumb and red eyes look dumb. I'm sad because I have never in my life lived in one residence for longer than one year and it's just now hitting me how isolating things are when you don't feel needed. I'm sad because the only two people I'll have to spend Christmas Eve with are alcoholic eggnog and my allergenic kitten. Christmas is going to be very hard for me this year and he will have no idea because I am really really really good at holding it all together hedon'tknow This all makes me want to make babies, and I don't even like him very much today. (This was a three-part rant. Sorry.) Addendum: Don't worry- I ain't having no babies till I can stop being sad, I swear.
Author gris Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Sheesh- screw this trite, incessant rigmarole.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 gris: Glad you established baby-making is not the solution. Having a relationship with someone else is always about negotiating for what you need. There are several things I thought of when I read your post. One is how my wife made Navy life work for us by just making up her own rules as she went along. To say I was gone a lot is an understatement. Months and months. 1. We rarely had holidays on the assigned days. She would move birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and celebrations around so that it fit both of our schedules. Christmas can be celebrated on his days off. 2. She never let my job impede her happiness, and I was grateful for it. If I had duty (working most of the day) during a holiday, she would say, we will celebrate it on the 28th when you will be home. I am going home to be with my grandparents or sisters because sitting here is going to make me sad. I got it, and I imagine your bf will too. 3.The dichotomy in being with someone you feel helps you meet your goals and someone you love just because they are special to you is definitely something you need to explore. I can't imagine though that you are feeling much of a connection with your bf if you are homesick, miss him and feel lonely too. Best of luck, Grumps
Recommended Posts