Girl I've been doing stuff with recently, just invited me to her birthday party?

[drg2365]

Ok, I'm pretty bad and inexperienced with this kind of stuff. So if you guys could give me some advice that would be great.

 

So I've been doing some stuff with this one girl I met in our senior seminar together. She is pretty comfortable around me and I can always make her laugh/smile. We went to a campus basketbball game last week (it was on her college bucket list, never went) and we had a blast, the game was absurdly exciting, and I followed it up quickly with a nice/easy dinner together a few days later that went well.

 

The quirk in all of this is I haven't 'made a move' yet on her. She seems like a relatively good girl and hasn't blatantly green lighted me yet, but I do try to keep it fun and do my best to be flirty. Like at the game, instead of flop sweating over holding her hand/kissing her, I just showed her a great time at/in a place she had never experienced before, just kind of hoping if things would work, they would work.

 

Seems to be working. We had our seminar today, and were talking afterwards. I was gathering up the courage to ask her out on a 'real date' then and there so to speak but I got an unexpected turn in my favor. I ask her what she was doing this weekend and she says its her and her (female) two friends (combined - because of Thanksgiving) birthday party and that I should come. I of course say yeah I'd love to, sounds awesome. She IMMEDIATELY texts me the address to the house its at and tells me to text her Saturday for more specifics about it.

 

Well that's good right? Issue: While we were talking about it, she says she was kind of nervous because she's afraid too many people would come and her little party planning committee or w/e had to start 'uninviting' people/groups, guess it got out on FB idk (smelled like drama, but it is college, this happens). But assured me I was invited and should come. It sounds like a big party, she mentioned kegs. But I'd be bringing only myself it seems and she wants me to come. Don't have too many experiences doing that.

 

So what's good with this? Advice on what to do from here?

[drg2365]

bump?

 

I think this is an interesting/peculiar situation

 

I've been invited to someone else's party by a girl that I like/might like me, I've been to invited to a girl's own party that I had a absolutely no shot with. But I've never been invited a girl's own birthday party, that I also like and hang out with one on one, so I literally have nothing to gauge this with.

[nescafe1982]

Sounds like fun! Dont over think it. Go to the party, have fun, and ask her out on that date after! She def sounds into you.

[drg2365]

Sounds like fun! Dont over think it. Go to the party, have fun, and ask her out on that date after! She def sounds into you.

 

I'm not trying to overthink it. I just have no clue what this means, and the downside is pretty bad.

 

a friend of mine said this would be the ultimate litmus test. "If her or none of her close associates pay you any attention, you're totally hosed. If she's all over other dudes and knowingly invited you to a party where you know nobody, then sir, to those about to die, we salute you." Funny, but true. She is literally my only connection to this party. I'd have to make the best of this while basically on my own, of which I really don't have that much experience doing.

[nescafe1982]

...the downside is pretty bad..

 

Really? going to a party where you don't know anyone is a "pretty bad" situation? I mean, I get that can be awkward for someone who is shy... but come on, man. At worst, the girl isn't all that serious about you, she ignores you, and you chat up some other nice girl.

 

Doesn't sound too bad to me at all! Win-win.

[drg2365]

Really? going to a party where you don't know anyone is a "pretty bad" situation? I mean, I get that can be awkward for someone who is shy... but come on, man. At worst, the girl isn't all that serious about you, she ignores you, and you chat up some other nice girl.

 

Doesn't sound too bad to me at all! Win-win.

 

I don't think its win-win. Win-win is assuming that the girl I have put some serious effort into getting to know on a personal level and all, is either a) into me and we have a 'great' time together...of which my gut says probably not or b) she's not into me at all, is just doing this to get all-square from me taking her to the basketball game, yet I pull another random girl basically effortlessly/on the spot.

 

B is not likely at all. A is up in the air despite my gut feeling.

 

C however sees me watching her get with some other dude the whole night, while I try to make the best of it and try to fit in/have fun with a bunch of random people I don't know. Which 100% honestly, has happened with me before, and it hasn't and led to a pretty awkward time. I'm just a quieter person by nature.

 

That's why I posted this. I think this is going to go pretty bad.

[d0nnivain]

You're in dude. Be happy.

 

Get her a funny, flirty birthday card & a sweet gift (I'm thinking something like a Yankee Candle) You know her so if there is something you know she'd like get that but nothing too personal -- no jewelry, perfume or clothes (other than maybe a T -shirt because it said something funny)

 

When you get to the party find her, hand her the gifts, say Happy Birthday & lean over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

 

Spend the rest of the party as you would any other party & ask her out soon thereafter. When she blows out her candles she'll probably wish for a boyfriend so make her wish come true.

[drg2365]

You're in dude. Be happy.

 

Get her a funny, flirty birthday card & a sweet gift (I'm thinking something like a Yankee Candle) You know her so if there is something you know she'd like get that but nothing too personal -- no jewelry, perfume or clothes (other than maybe a T -shirt because it said something funny)

 

When you get to the party find her, hand her the gifts, say Happy Birthday & lean over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

 

Spend the rest of the party as you would any other party & ask her out soon thereafter. When she blows out her candles she'll probably wish for a boyfriend so make her wish come true.

 

Tbh, I don't think this is a gifts type of party, or would be appropriate. I'd risk looking like a total tool. From what she said and given the facts (its two of her friends bday parties as well) it could be quite large.

 

I'm getting nervous about this. I'm not going to know anyone there, but its HER night to do whatever / talk to whomever she wants. I literally have never been in this situation before:

 

I've been invited to someone else's party by a girl that I like/might like me, I've been to invited to a girl's own party that I had a absolutely no shot with and would be promptly escorted to the door for trying. But I've never, EVER, been invited a girl's own birthday party, whom which there could be mutual interest, so I literally have nothing to gauge this with.

 

Just talking past experience for both guys and gals.

 

-If you invite someone to your party, 'you should come, your invited' over 'want to come, there's a keg'; combined with the fact that you guys have been out a few times recently - had fun AND you tell this person its going to be big, we're actually trying to get people not to come, but reassuring me though to come (ie please don't invite people). Realizing the person you invited won't know anyone ver batum: "haha some of my friends are a little weird but they are cool"

 

From experience direct/indirect; What do you expect from this person?

Edited November 16, 2013 by drg2365

[d0nnivain]

If you want to date this girl, get her a birthday present even if it is a bottle of her favoriet alcohol but don't show up empty handed. Besides my way gives you an excuse to kiss her.

Edited November 16, 2013 by d0nnivain

[drg2365]

If you want to date this girl, get her a birthday present even if it is a bottle of her favoriet alcohol but don't show up empty handed. Besides my way gives you an excuse to kiss her.

 

Because I'm risking a sum of money (also:its not her house, gifts could get 'lost/consumed'), and she might just be planning/wanting to hook up with some other dude. To show up with a 'gift', at a huge party no less, in my opinion shows a sign of beta/weakness, not kindness in this type of situation.

 

Although in all truthfulness, I do see your points. But I'm not her boyfriend or anything close to it. If anything I've been friendzoned and I'm going to watch her hook up with someone else all night. All going back to my OP, this might be her way of evening things out for taking her out to the home-opener basketball game.

[clia]

I don't think you should bring her a gift to a party like you are describing.

 

I do think you should bring a friend or two! Going alone would be awkward.

[d0nnivain]

drg2365

 

I don't see where you are friendzoned. Your buddy put this worst case scenario in your head & you're buying into. STOP.

 

If you were being friendzoned, she would have invited you to bring a date

 

Your reason for not bringing a birthday gift is that you would be "risking a sum of money" ? That sounds so cheap. Part of winning a woman's heart is to stand out from other guys. You want to be seen as generous & giving, the kind of guy she can count on. Being able to do that shows that you are an alpha male not a beta. In college most boys fail that test. I always assumed it was a fear of looking dorky rather than a true character flaw.

 

I also said you should get her a candle. . . which is about $20. Anything more expensive that $25 would be overboard.

 

Also it is good manners to not show up at a house party empty handed.

 

Do whatever you feel comfortable with.

[clia]

It's a college house party with kegs. I think showing up with a gift there will be awkward, if college parties are anything like I remember. This doesn't sound like its going to be some small intimate gathering or a house party you might have as you get older, where it would be rude to show up without something. It's a kegger where probably 100 people will show up.

 

I do think you should get her something small, but don't bring it to the party. Give it to her when you take her out for her birthday.

[kassy]

I invited my now boyfriend to my party for our 4th date. It was a joint party. He didn't know anyone. It was probably about 120 people. We had not kissed at this point.

 

I invited him because I really thought hooking up with him on my birthday would be awesome. I didn't want to hook up with anyone else.

 

I obviously had a lot of things to do greeting people etc. however, my friends had been told to make sure he was included.

 

He had a great time and met all my friends. He was so nervous, is a bit of a geek and English isn't his first language. He now still says he nearly didn't go.

 

He brought beer for himself and a bottle of champagne for me (what I drink because I don't drink often and enjoy it). So it was very appropriate. We drank it on our 5th date.

 

So take her a bottle of wine. Give her a kiss when you give it to her and assume you are invited because she wants you to be there to hook up with you.

 

Worst case scenario you feel like a lemon and leave after 2 hours... Hardly a disaster. You might meet some cool people. I don't understand your negativity. I would say you are totally in.

[drg2365]

I invited my now boyfriend to my party for our 4th date. It was a joint party. He didn't know anyone. It was probably about 120 people. We had not kissed at this point.

 

So take her a bottle of wine. Give her a kiss when you give it to her and assume you are invited because she wants you to be there to hook up with you.

 

Worst case scenario you feel like a lemon and leave after 2 hours... Hardly a disaster. You might meet some cool people. I don't understand your negativity. I would say you are totally in.

 

That story does make me feel a little better. My negativity just kind of stems from past experiences where things are totally unknown/up in the air, in the past I've expected the best and got the worst. Obviously has nothing to do with this girl, but still makes me nervous.

 

Tbh, I really don't want to go. I will go 99% sure. But I only like giant parties like this if I know a bunch of people, and even then its not my favorite thing to do. I'm your now bf in this case, it worked for him/you guys, and that's really great. But I just can't 'envision' this working in my favor. I see myself walking in the door (alone) in a sea of people and being like ...uhhh, and even worse there are going to be a bunch of dudes all over her/giving her attention because its her bday and she's an attractive girl. ONLY if she REALLY likes me, will I be 'in' with her. Anything less and nada.

[drg2365]

This is long but emotional for me, deals with a death of someone close.

 

Ok well I just kind of want to tell what is probably the end of the story. And see what people say. I feel kind of crappy right now, responses will be greatly appreciated.

 

Ok so the evening of the party. Text her what time to come? and she gets back to me about an hour later. 10:00. At about 8:30, I get a call from my dad saying that my uncle had passed away earlier in the day, albeit not totally unexpectedly, of complications from cancer. I was pretty shocked and devastated, he was supposed to make it. And had a decision to make. A) Not go and not tell her why and look like an a$$ (in the moment only), because she might have really wanted me to go. B) Not go and tell her why, and risk really bumming her out right before her party. C) Just go and see what happens and try not to think about it. After all I would of been more sad if I was all alone. I went with option C, the other two just seemed kinda selfish and I would have probably blown it on top of being down and out.

 

Well the party wasn't to surprising. I get there, she greets me, there were probably like 30 people there at that point with more ever arriving. I didn't know a single person. She gave me a quick hug, said she was glad I came, and pointed me to the keg. She was pretty drunk and getting more so, she never really introduced me to anyone, I was kind of upset about that. But I knew that standing alone was no good. I quickly start to mingle. Take a keg stand (to which the party stopped, counted, and cheered) she actually came up to me and gave me a hug again and 'Was like haha I'm glad you did that, that was awesome' talked very breifly, she went to go mingle. I start a game of flip cup which was fun, she plays like two of three rounds next to me, but quickly left because the pace of drinking was too much.

 

She was getting attention from other dudes for sure. Not like all other them, but it was definitely there. But it was her friends and her party, I was doing my best to just mingle, have fun, and in a way show her I can function around her friends. Not follow her around, be all over her, etc. Well after the flip cup game and getting to know some more people (past 11 now) the party was big. A legit kegger. I had lost her for awhile, and we met up again. She's really drunk at this point, and she goes to the dance floor, which had newly formed. She touched my shoulder/arm before she went, but not in a 'follow me' type of way. I was about to follow her and start dancing, but she was dancing only with her girlfriends in like a circle. Didn't know what to do lol. Well around midnight its completely packed. I started to get sick of meeting new people, every person I saw/talked to was the first time I saw that person in my life, and now it was packed and loud, rendering convo not there. I see her dancing with some other guy, kind of grinding up on each other. Made me really uncomfortable, but again its her party and it is that type of party.

 

Just kind of standing in a sea of people, didn't know anyone, girl was dancing with someone else. I started to remember what had happened earlier when someone said my uncle's name. I had done decently enough (surprised myself) how quickly I forgot about it, but it really did only last so long, happens when you get drunk. I was there two hours the size had gone from ~30 and fun, to 100+ and cowded/loud with no one to talk and getting depressed about things. I just slipped out the door and left. I had done my best.

 

Walked home, really didn't have a good day Sunday. Fast forward to this morning. She texts me 'Hey I hope you had a good time, I would have said bye to you but I never saw you leave' which was nice. I told what what had happened before the party and I went because I wanted to see her and wish her a happy birthday. She immediately was shocked and said sorry, said I was brave for coming. Talk a little bit about school, asked her if she wanted to take a study break with me at the campus dining hall. She says yeah, she'll be in the library all day, stressing about tests/papers.

 

Meet up at the dining hall and its fine. She was really stressed out about school since its 'hell week' right before fall break. We talked about the party. She had a lot of fun, but was totally oblivious to a lot of stuff. Asked me if I had known anybody coming there - I said no only you. Didn't remember too much from earlier in the party, only vaguely aware I was even there (as in she knew I had come but had very little specific details) I was kind of put off but wasn't sure if that was the right mindset. Kind of inquired how she ended her night (attempt to see if she hooked up), seemed like she didn't, got a ride home with her friends from a DD, but who really knows. Let it all go. Asks if I want to come to the computer lab with her to study a bit. We are in the same class and have a test tomorrow.

 

Studied a bit. Like an hour. Both of us were tired, her way more so, and she was really concerned about her school stuff. But its all fine. We are in my car and we get to her house. I thanked her for coming with me to eat. She said she was really sorry about my uncle and we had kind of a brief quiet moment together. She asked what happened, I told her the story. Told her I had fun, she said she was glad I came and smiled. I looked her in the eyes, but she looked back, but I could tell how exhausted she really was, chuckles and she says "On that note, I'll see you tomorrow, don't be down". Wasn't close to me either, would have really had to grab her and kiss her without thinking. But I was thinking, I just told her a really sad story.

 

I really feel like crap. My uncle was my Godfather and really close, like a second dad. Really miss him. On the same time, I think I am just friendzoned and that's that, and that feels like crap. I was starting to really get to know her and fall for her a little before the party. Now no clue. The break and vacations don't help either.

 

Can you guys offer some insight or advice please? I know its long, and thanks so, so, so much if you read that. I'm really bumming it.

[drg2365]

Cliffs since that is LONG lol:

 

-2 hours before girl's party, informed of uncle's death. Decide to still go.

- Its a big party, have fun at first, she' soaking up her own party, not a whole lot of attention (but some I'll admit) and getting really drunk.

- The party gets HUGE, I see her dancing with someone else, start to think about my uncle. Leave after 2 hours.

-Asks me Mon. morning if I had a good time.

- Tell her what happened.

- Agrees to take a study break and grab a bite, later that night.

- Bite goes fine, she's really tired and stressed out.

- She seems oblivious (thought I knew people) and honestly didn't remember much of the time I was there, when she was drinking, no obvious evidence of her hooking up with someone else.

- Study a bit together

-Take her home, have a little quiet moment in the car about my uncle, move seems possible but very uncomfortable (she's tired, stressed, not very close to me), she didn't really let it happen but who knows

[drg2365]

bump, I could really use some input. I'm asking please...

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved uncle.

 

 

I don't think you were friend zoned. I do think that between your own insecurities, the alcohol & your grief your perceptions were not 100%.

 

 

Deal with your family issues. Get through hell week / finals & when things calm down ask the girl on a real date.

[drg2365]

I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved uncle.

 

 

I don't think you were friend zoned. I do think that between your own insecurities, the alcohol & your grief your perceptions were not 100%.

 

 

Deal with your family issues. Get through hell week / finals & when things calm down ask the girl on a real date.

 

Of course what ever plans being prepared are the first and foremost priority/responsibility, as is school and such.

 

But what do I make of all this?

 

After not knowing what to make of the party. Yesterday just made me more confused. She checked up on if me to see if I had a good time, recognized I had left without her knowing. A pretty good sign in and of itself. Told her the straight up truth, why lie? Spent time with me that day, she wanted to. Had a quieter moment in the car, one where two people can kind of connect. Granted said quiet moment is usually scripted for a move of some sort. But this was different and I that's why I didn't try.

 

And that's why this whole past 72 hours has just left me literally not knowing what to do about any of this. And that's why I came to here for some thoughts on the matter, because this is all different for me guys

[Lansing]

I don't see anything negative from what you posted except maybe the "grinding with another guy" part but isn't that what girls do nowadays?... Just go with the flow.. I think you are being too serious with her and expecting too much (like a "gf" vs. just dating her until you know her more). Just ask her out when you feel like it and go from there.

[nescafe1982]

I'm very sorry about your uncle. I agree with your friend that going to wish her a happy birthday despite what had happened was sweet, and brave. It probably meant a lot to her.

 

I agree with donnivain 100%. Give yourself a little time to just get through this week... and then ask her out! I think she's giving you the right signals and sooner or later you just have to put yourself out there and go for it! BUt if you need a week or two to collect yourself after the shock of the death in your family, that's totally understandable.

[carhill]

Bring an appropriate birthday gift and see the event as a gathering of friends and go enjoy yourself.

 

Ask her out on a date next week or at the party if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Accept her answer.

 

Since you're interested in dating her, you're not her 'friend', rather a potential beau/ lover/boyfriend. Make a clear distinction about that and act accordingly in the future. The past is the past.

 

------Since everything has transpired, still no date so I'd move on.

[drg2365]

I'm very sorry about your uncle. I agree with your friend that going to wish her a happy birthday despite what had happened was sweet, and brave. It probably meant a lot to her.

 

I agree with donnivain 100%. Give yourself a little time to just get through this week... and then ask her out! I think she's giving you the right signals and sooner or later you just have to put yourself out there and go for it! BUt if you need a week or two to collect yourself after the shock of the death in your family, that's totally understandable.

 

Thanks. Hopefully it did mean something to her, she was the only reason I went. I literally didn't know anyone there, but not going to be super serious only with her I do stress this. As for asking her out I really have no choice but to wait. Logistics completely messed up, regardless of what I have to do family-wise. I guess I'll see how much she contacts me over Thanksgiving break, that will be a good indicator. Remember we are in college. Not much else to do in the very short term, she's busy too. Just really uncertain all around.

[d0nnivain]

Hopefully she will contact you over Thanksgiving but don't make that a litmus test. In college I never would have reach out to a friend from school over break. If she calls, that's awesome but if she doesn't, you should reach out once you are both back on campus. At the very least wish her luck with finals. Do not leave school for winter break without a promise to meet up in the Spring. This time of year is logistically tough to start a relationship.

 

The fact that she called you after the party and came to console you is fantastic! She really does like you as more than a friend. She probably wouldn't have shown up for just a male buddy.