Is Cheating An Inherited Behavior?

[BrookeRL]

In my family growing up my dad cheated on my mom and they almost divorced but they reconciled and are still married to this day. But as a teenager I saw the pain that my dad put her through, I love my dad but I vowed that when I married my husband I wouldn't cheat on him, we have been married for 8 years and have 2 beautiful sons and I have cheating on my husband with another married man for 3 years. Last month my older brother admitted to his wife and us that he has been having an affair with another women, right now my brother and his wife are separated.

 

Is Cheating An Inherited Behavior or Not?

[janedoe67]

Cheating is not biological. What we grow up with may shape us, but no, there is no DNA link for cheating....regardless of what I have heard people postulate in the wake of their own situations.

[lollipopspot]

It probably causes you to feel that marriage is less "sacred" and maybe not "forever."

 

But I had cheating parents, and I never cheated. Although I have been cheated on.

[MissBee]

Like jane, I don't think it's a biological thing, but certainly, your upbringing has an effect on you in one way or another and many times people do repeat behaviors they were taught or act them out in different ways.

[KathyM]

I think sometimes it is learned behavior, meaning that if a parent cheats, it gives the child a message that cheating is not so bad, or it becomes normalized to the child that this is what people sometimes do. In other cases, if a child takes it particularly hard when a parent cheats, the traumatized child may grow up to have a need to relive the trauma in order to process it, and so they engage in the behavior themselves. Of course, there are children who are traumatized by the betrayal, and their anger and hurt manifests into some other form of maladaptive behavior/disorder, such as depression or anxiety. Then there are those children who may have the coping skills that they are able to see it for what it is, and use it as a measure for their own behavior and vow that they will never treat a spouse like that. Children cope in different ways to the betrayal, often in a maladaptive way.

[Artie Lang]

i think that's a cop-out. when there is choice all the other ruminations about infidelity being an inherited trait or otherwise(nature/nurture) fall by the wayside.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Artie Lang

[MissBee]

i think that's a cop-out. when there is choice all the other ruminations about infidelity being an inherited trait or otherwise(nature/nurture) fall by the wayside.

 

It's not as simple as that unfortunately.

 

It's not that one has no choice, but our choices are not things made in a vacuum, with nothing influencing them, but rather, what people choose, why they choose them, how they choose them etc are all influenced by several things, one of which is your upbringing.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Cheating is not biological or genetic. It annoys me to infer it is because it removes some accountability and excuses away choice and free will.

 

My father left my mother for the OW.

 

I detest infidelity in all forms. It is a deal breaker for me, without doubt. I am certain and my H and I have had this conversation several times.

 

My sister is a serial cheat.

 

We each cope with the lessons that dad taught us in different ways.

[Ladydrib]

I think sometimes it is learned behavior, meaning that if a parent cheats, it gives the child a message that cheating is not so bad, or it becomes normalized to the child that this is what people sometimes do. In other cases, if a child takes it particularly hard when a parent cheats, the traumatized child may grow up to have a need to relive the trauma in order to process it, and so they engage in the behavior themselves. Of course, there are children who are traumatized by the betrayal, and their anger and hurt manifests into some other form of maladaptive behavior/disorder, such as depression or anxiety. Then there are those children who may have the coping skills that they are able to see it for what it is, and use it as a measure for their own behavior and vow that they will never treat a spouse like that. Children cope in different ways to the betrayal, often in a maladaptive way.

 

You mention betrayal several times. This is not the perspective a child has when they catch their parent cheating. I did not feel betrayed. I felt confused. I knew my cheating parent loved me. I knew the cheating parent loved my other parent. The initial problem was about my understanding of what a marriage was. The example had always been it was two parents, sharing responsibilities, and two parents sharing a bed and was unique because it was only between my mother and father. When I discovered the cheating, it undermined the understanding I has developed about marriage. To resolve that, and through the years, I began to wonder and believe that what I had witnessed was not what I thought it was. How could that be I kept asking myself? Wasn't I too young to understand something that complex, let alone intimacy itself? So as I grew older I questioned my perception of what I had seen. In the end I did ask about it as an adult and confirmed my perception had always been right. But the feeling was never one of having been betrayed. I believe that feeling is unique to the BS and the kids do not feel that at all.

 

I have always been an advocate for truth and honoring commitments and a very loyal person. I never had an interest in cheating and was proud of my ethics. It had nothing to do with the affair my parent had though. I'm just an empathetic person with morals. I also used to be quick to judge. I still believe you cannot excuse away bad behavior but I learned in the most painful way that everyone is vulnerable to an affair given the right mix of circumstances in one's life to increase the probability of their moral structure breaking down and an affair actually happening. BS's who forgive their WS's should understand this, why else would they reconcile?

 

I believe if my parent's infidelity had any impact on the fact I eventually became a victim and participant of infidelity, the role it played was one more of nature vs. nurture.

 

Anyway, that's my take on the children who experience infidelity through their parents' actions.

 

Let's not all forget that most statistics show both women and men have a near 50% chance of having an affair. That puts nearly half off all marriages in an affair or an affair at some point in the future. Perhaps infidelity is none other than a human thing. Nature is, after all, cruel.

[experiencethedevine]

My parents are swingers, does that count?

 

That would be the result of your parents mutually agreeing to the activity and as such does not warrant any clandestine behaviour.

[experiencethedevine]

My youngest daughter witnessed the destructive aftermath of her Father's affair in her pubescent years. ( I suffered a major nervous breakdown).

 

Has she been affected by that in her adult relationships? Most certainly.

 

Is it inherent? No.

 

Is it affective? Yes.

[twosadthings]

We learn by example. Your sons, in my opinion, are at higher risk to be unfaithful when they learn about your faithlessness.

 

Twosadthings

[janedoe67]

We learn by example. Your sons, in my opinion, are at higher risk to be unfaithful when they learn about your faithlessness.

 

Twosadthings

 

Interesting....I wonder if that changes the perspective that children - even small ones - should ALWAYS be told about the parent's A.....

 

Cheating is a choice. A person who cheats will give themselves any number of excuses and justifications as to why they cheated, and yes, sometimes there are pretty sad circumstances and loneliness in a marriage...but the bottom line is that cheating is a choice to cope with...whatever by being dishonest and putting self first.

 

It can't be blamed on genetics.

 

However, I do think that the environment one grows up in can influence their vulnerability to cheat....just like the kind of marriage that a person has modeled for them growing up can affect how neglectful or cold or unaffectionate or workaholic they turn out to be.

 

We choose how we treat our spouse and we choose whether or not we cheat.

[Journee]

I'm adopted so I'm not sure if I can quality about genetics. I did grow up in a home where my father was a serial cheater. They kept it under wraps for many years. So much makes sense now though. Some of the bickering between them. Even the strain between my mother and I when I was younger. I defended my dad a lot when she would make little comments about his women friend's. They weren't his friends. Little did I know.

 

 

Imagine my dad's chagrin when I ended up marrying a serial cheater myself. He feels that they didn't give me much of a model to go after. I tend to think that anyone can be cheated on. No one's anatomy is extraordinary enough ,personality delightful enough to fully ensure another person's actions. Sometimes people are just messed up and do messed up things.

 

Is it nature vs. nurture? Possibly. So many experiences shape our lives it's hard to say what makes person A. more vulnerable to an affair than person B. Two people can be in the same situation. One will cheat the other will not. There is a whole world of psychology behind it.

 

I think it's unfortunate in all cases. Who wants to live life like that? More people than I had ever imagined.

[KathyM]

You mention betrayal several times. This is not the perspective a child has when they catch their parent cheating. I did not feel betrayed. I felt confused. I knew my cheating parent loved me. I knew the cheating parent loved my other parent. The initial problem was about my understanding of what a marriage was. The example had always been it was two parents, sharing responsibilities, and two parents sharing a bed and was unique because it was only between my mother and father. When I discovered the cheating, it undermined the understanding I has developed about marriage. To resolve that, and through the years, I began to wonder and believe that what I had witnessed was not what I thought it was. How could that be I kept asking myself? Wasn't I too young to understand something that complex, let alone intimacy itself? So as I grew older I questioned my perception of what I had seen. In the end I did ask about it as an adult and confirmed my perception had always been right. But the feeling was never one of having been betrayed. I believe that feeling is unique to the BS and the kids do not feel that at all.

 

I have always been an advocate for truth and honoring commitments and a very loyal person. I never had an interest in cheating and was proud of my ethics. It had nothing to do with the affair my parent had though. I'm just an empathetic person with morals. I also used to be quick to judge. I still believe you cannot excuse away bad behavior but I learned in the most painful way that everyone is vulnerable to an affair given the right mix of circumstances in one's life to increase the probability of their moral structure breaking down and an affair actually happening. BS's who forgive their WS's should understand this, why else would they reconcile?

 

I believe if my parent's infidelity had any impact on the fact I eventually became a victim and participant of infidelity, the role it played was one more of nature vs. nurture.

 

Anyway, that's my take on the children who experience infidelity through their parents' actions.

 

Let's not all forget that most statistics show both women and men have a near 50% chance of having an affair. That puts nearly half off all marriages in an affair or an affair at some point in the future. Perhaps infidelity is none other than a human thing. Nature is, after all, cruel.

From what I have learned in my studies, what I've read about infidelity and its impact on the family, and from what I have heard first hand from adults whose parents were unfaithful who are now in treatment because their lives were so messed up by it, children very much do feel betrayed when a parent cheats. They feel the parent betrayed the family, not just the BS. They lose trust in the unfaithful parent, and believe he wronged the family, not just the BS. But I do agree with you that they also may get a misconception of marriage that is confused or skewed. But children often do feel betrayal as well, and consider the betrayal to be against the family, not just the BS.

[carhill]

OP, you might want to spend some time perusing genetic studies, such as those with the DRD4 gene, to gain further insight on how our genes affect our body chemistry and the brain's interaction with such chemistry.

 

As each of us is a unique byproduct of all the genes in our genetic lineage, it's entirely possible that our most immediate ancestors, our parents, could have little to nothing to do with the genetic side of the structures and chemistry which 'cheating' rests upon in ourselves. That said, as our primary role models and socialization guides in the traditional nuclear family, parents have a large role in molding the genetic 'stuff' we are made of, both by how the interact with us as well as the examples they set in their own words and actions.

 

In my own case, any deviation from social norms regarding infidelity had nothing to do with my parents as role models or socializers. I was completely responsible for my choices and responses to my social environment and demographic. If anything, their role-modeling and socialization limited my excursions into anti-social behavioral sets through both active example and teaching, as well as inhibition to dishonor the family reputation. Perhaps that's why I always stopped short of 'cheating', meaning active deception, as well as inappropriate sexual relationships. Regardless, to the extent I did depart from socialized lessons in interpersonal relationships, that was on me, with zero known family ancestors, dead or alive, to pin it on. Was it possible some long-dead ancestor provided the genetic material to form my brain in a certain way which left me vulnerable to and interested in/motivated by such pursuits? I guess so. Anything is possible. Research continues.

[Shepp]

nope, it is 100% your free choice!

 

To say anything else is purely an excuse of cowardness and lack of integrity.

[TheGuard13]

Actually, I think I saw something about people being genetically disposed to infidelity in some study or other.

 

Which doesn't change the fact that people still make their own choices.

 

So even if it is, it doesn't matter. Behavior is learned, certain things may be predisposed, but actions must be acted.