TheLoveMan Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 his may sound funny to some of you. Ive been dating this girl for almost 3 months now, she is really great and we have finally expressed our love for one another. She told me about her sexual past before, it diddnt really bother me. But now that I have feelings for her, feelings about the situation are coming up. The past few days thinking about it makes me anxious, makes it hard for me to sleep or even eat properly. Cliffs: -she is 19, im 24 -my sexual past= lost virginity at 22, ive had issues with anxiety but that never really effected me with girls. Ive always pushed girls away when things got close. Had plenty of chances, had a girl in my room twice wanting to screw but i put the TV on instead and tons of other examples. Im attractive and somewhat confident. My previous relationship was largely about sex (she was very sexually experienced, so i guess I learned everything with her), because I felt like I needed it. Tons of sex, everywhere, even made a porno, limited oral and even did anal once. She ended up saying she was pregnant possibly to keep me around longer, then a few weeks later faked a miscarriage. Ive only had sex with my current girlfriend and previous girlfriend. Ive traded pics with women, had women get on cam for me for me to fap to. Ive told her about this instance, she dosnt know ive only been with one person though or lost my v card at 22. She thinks ive got lots of booty back in the day. -her sexual past= all within the past few months before meeting me. She said she felt like it was needed to be done, she was lonely and she does have very few friends. She sucked some dude off, when she swallowed his load he said "like a boss". She brought that up because I said like a boss one time and she was like "thats what he said". Her second sexual encounter was losing her virginity, she said she only had sex once. She also during her college days got into camming with guys on omegle, where she would get their skype and cam with them. It spiked up more yesterday, she was showing me this book she was writing about her past experiences. Down the list she shows "i sucked a dudes dick" that worked me up, made me very anxious. What im even thinking about more is that she wrote nothing about me. She was probably seeking validation from guys, she said guys never really paid much attention to her. -Its like I keep visualizing her going down on another dude, the place I kiss. -we ourselves have tons of sex. 3 times last night, nothing sunday, 2 times saturday, 2 times friday, 4 times thursday. For some reason this bothers me and I really want to get over it because she is a great girl. I partly feel like its my ego taking a hit because she has had more sexual partners then me even though I have more experience. She was originally quite clueless about sex and very tight. Does anyone have any advice on getting over this hurdle? I dont want to run away from this, partly because ive always ran away from relationships in the past; for what reason im not sure. I really do have some strong feelings for this girl; she is very special. Ive almost thought about just going on a break and going out and quickly getting laid a few times to see if this changes anything but that is quite selfish. Anyone have any constructive input? Ive read elsewhere many people have similar issues and it does go away with time.
HomanWater Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 If it were me, I'd be bothered too. It's one thing that your gf sucked some other guy, it's not like it was with a bf she loved, which would be understandable, just some random dude so she could get it over with and "lost her virginity". BTW it's kinda hilarious how she can be considered a "pure, innocent" virgin after sucking off some guy . I'd run after discovering that revelation. I don't think there is a way to get over this without dumping her. Maybe if you give similar treatment to some other woman so you get down to her level, but that would be cheating, so I don't recommend it.
Author TheLoveMan Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 yea, but I dont think its quite possible to find a woman above 19 that hasnt had sex or sucked someone off that I am attracted too. Its quite unrealistic and she does have a magical personality. I dont consider her that innocent, but being compared to my last lady friend she is quite innocent.
HomanWater Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 The point isn't that she sucked some guys off, as you quite astutely observed, there are few women who didn't suck any guy off at that age, and that would be for a reason. Problem are circumstances in which it happened. It's understandable if it was great love bf, but less so if it is some totally random guy. Besides, how classy of her to actually bring that up. You should actually be grateful to her, she's not hiding her true colors yet. And even if she started to, you've seen enough already.
Author TheLoveMan Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 She said she liked the guy and wanted to be with him but he pushed her away shortly after. Same with the guy who she lost her virginity to. This was in her college days. Ive posted this on two other forums, Pickup artist forums and the general consensus was that she was experimenting, learning a phase most people go through. She has never had a true boyfriend until me, she was very "prude" back in highschool.
HomanWater Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 he said she liked the guy and wanted to be with him but he pushed her away shortly after. Same with the guy who she lost her virginity to. That could be backpeddaling on her part. She probably sensed you are not taking this news well and tried to appease you a bit.
Author TheLoveMan Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 I will dig into this a little further and see what happens.
Phantom888 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 There is plenty of resources online about retroactive jealousy. It's a real issue, and can destroy relationships. It's basically being jealous or anxious about your partner's sexual past. For women, retro jealousy is about "love", like who you used to love. For men, retro jealousy is about sex, like how many partners, ONS or blowjobs your partner gave BEFORE she met you. Yes most people don't want to think about their BF/GF having sex with someone else, but the thought usually just passes and does not linger. For those people who is bothered by Retro jealousy, the thoughts linger on, like a movie, that you can't stop playing. From personal experience, there is a way to lessen this awful feeling. I am 39, and I suffer from this from time to time, so it has nothing to do with your age or experience. You will not likely have those retro jealous feelings if your GF experienced those acts during a committed relationship. The reason why you feel anxious about it is because you had her on a pedestal and the fact that she did something so casual violates your views about her. You brain is trying to process this, and it's difficult without help. I get retro jealous feelings from time to time....most recently when I found an opened box of condoms in my GF's dresser from a year ago. She was dating people before we met, so I know she had sex. But the opened box of condoms confirmed in my mind that there was sex, and made it real to me. Your logics and emotions do not matter when you experience retro jealousy. I mean, logically, a beautiful sexy blonde 38 year old woman will have sex with someone she was dating. But I felt bad about it, because it was not a serious relationship, and I just don't like the idea of my beautiful woman with another man. But I didn't get upset. It's a natural feeling. I told myself I'm glad she was protecting herself and was smart about it. I'm also glad there was no real contact, as a condom is really a barrier so to me that's not real intimate sex. She and I have unprotected sex, which is way more intimate. Basically I trained my mind to think positive, and justify my thoughts. It's all about perspectives so you can make your mind think anything you want. Bottom line: you need a way to re-train your brain. Think about the present. Think about the good stuff, like how much you love your girl. If you can't do that on your own, you need to see a therapist. This retro jealousy thing is very real. It can destroy a relationship, and will only get worse over time. Best of luck. 1
ConstantVoyager Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 OP, your girlfriend is an adult who had a (very limited) sex life before you. Tell her to keep it to herself and then get over it. 2
lino Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Doesn't sound so bad to me. Pretty normal actually for someone her age. If you really appreciate her I'd over look it. It's not like she's been porked by 20 guys.
Author TheLoveMan Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 . It can destroy a relationship, and will only get worse over time. what exactly do you mean? Worse as in my current relationship? -I showed my girlfriend this thread. We are here right now.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) The Love Man: Insecurity is the only thing I can think of. I personally think you are overreacting. Perhaps she shouldn't have trusted you to be mature enough about her sexual past to handle it? Did you expect her to sit in her room and not have any sexual experiences when you admit you had a sexual experience before? Jealousy destroys relationships because it isn't logical. You feel what you feel, I suppose, but if my wife acted like I was doing something wrong because of my past, I would think she was delusional and wouldn't trust her with any more of my past. If my gf did this to me, I would move on. I am a dude who is very territorial of my woman, but what is in her past is in her past. You are reacting to something she did before she even knew you....if she did it inside of your relationship while you were dating I would agree with homanwater (though the name womanhater misspelled should give anyone pause to listen to this guy about dating issues with a woman) but since it was before you two got involved, it isn't your business really except for what she is willing to share for safety purposes such as STD's or babies. Good luck, Grumps Edited November 15, 2013 by Grumpybutfun 2
Author TheLoveMan Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Thanks Everyone. My girlfriend came over, I showed her this thread and a few others. Feelings were hurt but im big about expressing what im feeling. She dosnt see why im making it a big deal and is afraid I will leave her because of this. I assured her I do not. We had a chat afterwords that helped clear up some confusion. The guy she had sex with was someone she knew from elementary school, she also had some alcohol in her system. She hated him for two weeks, got over with it and wanted to be friends with benefits but he turned her down. Few months ago he hit her back up and she turned him down. The FWB thing hurt a little, but it is what it is. Time to move on and deal with this.
bulls42 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 yeah listen man ive been with 25 women if i was worried about who they were with before me id b with barely a third of them, hey man it happens your only 24, i'm 28 and i dont care who they were with before me, cuz they must know ive been with a lot of people too
thebt Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 ive never heard of this retroactive jealousy thing until I came on to this site last nite. I wish I had heard of this years ago when I suffered from this to the point of becoming very depressed and needed therapy. I was 30 and had no LTR and very limited sexual experience. I missed out on all that stuff. I was self conscious I didn't want to go to weddings or other couple type events ect because I was always alone and people thought I might be gay or "why don't you have a g/f ect. Like you had anxiety issues which I pushed women away. I also had no confidence...at all and the jealousy made it worse. After I started a LTR with someone it finally went away. Im 42 now and still single and sometimes those feelings still come back usually during dry spells but I can manage it to where its not an issue. Usually its my obsessive thinking that brings it on. this girl doesn't seem that experienced compared to most. It would bother me more if she nailed 20 guys or something. With today especially with online dating that "dating" is actually sex with someone your attracted too until someone meaningful comes along..... Wait til your in your 40s....most women have done everything by then and their numbers are well in the double digits.
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Literally 99.9% of people are going to have a sexual and/or romantic past. Unless you go out with a virgin and deny her seeing any other man for the rest of her life, it's just something you need to accept. Don't look back...
regine_phalange Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 (edited) The problem is not her experiences, but the fact that she shares every freaking detail with you! Passionkiller! Edited November 16, 2013 by regine_phalange spelling 2
smuggy95 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 she was curious, and explored that curiosity. How many of you guys tried to get a bj by that age from someone you didn't care about? Quite a few. It happens. She's not twisted. 2
GoodOnPaper Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 she was curious, and explored that curiosity. How many of you guys tried to get a bj by that age from someone you didn't care about? Quite a few. It happens. She's not twisted. The comparison's valid only if the guys GET the bj, not just try ...
Kate9292 Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 The comparison's valid only if the guys GET the bj, not just try ... That's the entire hypocrisy. Some guys will try to get blowjob or have sex with a girl, she turns them down, then they make out HER to be a slut. And God forbid that girl actually hooked up with someone who isn't them! Then all hell breaks loose! They try to paint themselves as some pure, innocent guys, nevermind they just tried to have casual sex. But they think that just because they didn't get it, they now can change colors and blast a girl for doing the very thing they wanted to do. I've had to deal with a few idiots like that in my life.
HomanWater Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Talk about about men having a precious frail ego! Both of you have past experiences, both you of you did rather kinky (camming? really? I wouldn't date a guy into that) sexually liberal stuff. The difference is when a woman does it she gets judged, but when a man does it its no big deal. Guys having casual sex with someone they aren't into = hes "just being a guy" Girls having casual sex with someone they aren't into = not relationship material Such bullsh** Barking up the wrong tree, ma'am. I don't do casual sex. And I never had sex with someone I wasn't into. I only had sex in commited relationships and expect any potential gfs to do the same. If a woman has casual sex, fine, none of my business. Doesn't mean I am obligated to date her.
Thierro Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 Some have different ideas about sex. It would bother me if my girlfriend had sex with someone else. It actually bothers me that I had sex with two other girls beside my current girlfriend. I only want to have sex with a girl that makes me think she's the one I will share my life with.
Tephros Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 The Love Man: Insecurity is the only thing I can think of. I personally think you are overreacting. Perhaps she shouldn't have trusted you to be mature enough about her sexual past to handle it? ... While I agree he overreacted, it was inappropriate for her to say, "That's what he said," in response to the OP saying, "Like a boss." Sharing graphic, uninvited details of your sexual past with your current sexual partner is a bad move. So says Captain Hindsight...
Grumpybutfun Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 While I agree he overreacted, it was inappropriate for her to say, "That's what he said," in response to the OP saying, "Like a boss." Sharing graphic, uninvited details of your sexual past with your current sexual partner is a bad move. So says Captain Hindsight... I agree Tephros, immature and inappropriate. That is why I think it is very important when a relationship starts getting serious to sit down and talk about boundaries. Boundary 1 may go something like this...do not correlate anything from your past to our sex life. Do not talk about your past sex life in a joking manner. One would think that would be obvious, since he is so sensitive about this stuff, but.... G 1
GoodOnPaper Posted November 17, 2013 Posted November 17, 2013 That's the entire hypocrisy. Some guys will try to get blowjob or have sex with a girl, she turns them down, then they make out HER to be a slut. And God forbid that girl actually hooked up with someone who isn't them! Then all hell breaks loose! They try to paint themselves as some pure, innocent guys, nevermind they just tried to have casual sex. But they think that just because they didn't get it, they now can change colors and blast a girl for doing the very thing they wanted to do. I've had to deal with a few idiots like that in my life. That kind of behavior toward someone you were going to have sex with is just plain rude, but I meant my comment in a broader retroactive jealousy context. I wanted casual sex when I was single but could never attract anyone for that. That doesn't mean that I should have to be comfortable with a partner who's had a lot more past sex partners than i've had. However, I think the pertinent lesson for this thread is don't encourage your gf to see other guys and "explore her sexuality" unless you really mean it. If a young woman wants to "explore her sexuality" she can do so in quite short order while the guy may be like a dog chasing his tail trying to find casual sex!
Recommended Posts