JPik Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 My boyfriend of 11 months (age 28, let's call him Jake) has a female friend (we'll call her Elle) who has been around in his core group of friends since middle school. They also all went to the same local 4 year college together and spent most of their time together, including guys and gals. This girl in particular dated one of his roommates and turned into a roommate as well (along with 2 other guys) in college and stayed after breaking up with a roommate. I know that he has had a huge crush on her in the past, most recently last year before we started dating. At this time, he also had a crush on another girl that he's known forever who already had a boyfriend. Even though this other girl already had a boyfriend (of a couple of years), she still would cuddle with Jake and kiss him, leading him on and just fade away from contact. This was only during holidays and before I was in the picture. This girl is now engaged as of this summer. Poor fiance. Anyway, Elle is currently located out of the country and has been for about a year. Jake and Elle skype about once a month to catch up, which is fine by me. The thing that bothers me, though, is that she comes up quiet often in conversation. "Yea back in 2008 we went to an x shop looking for y and blah blah" or "I went on a trip with X, Y, Z, and Elle and blah blah". I do realize that she's been in his life and his friend for so long, she's bound to be in a lot of his stories. But he also brings her up a lot lately regarding their last skype conversation. "Yea when I was skyping with Elle (but he uses her nickname), she said" and this will usually come when we're talking about some random topic. This has happened several times in the last 2 weeks, the last skype call being two weeks ago. I'd say she comes up more in the conversation than when he shares stories about his close guy friends. He's also looking to book a trip to go visit her, as she lives in a place he's never visited before and would like to add to his travels. He has been looking forward to having an out of country vacation for a while and would like to go visit her as well. She currently has a boyfriend where she's located. When he told me about this possible trip, he said, "Looks like Elle doesn't have enough money to come back for the holidays, so it looks like it's on me to go see her!" He makes a good living and the trip wouldn't make a huge dent, but he has hesitated and not booked anything yet because the flights are ridiculously expensive. In some respects, I can see it as just a close friend who he's had forever and coincidentally wants to go spend a week with overseas in order to fulfill his traveling desire. However, it's also a female that I know he had a major crush on and yearned for, yet never got the chance to date. As for our relationship, it has been terrific with little to no complications. I recently discovered that I may have to move out of state and we had an important relationship discussion so that I could see what page he was on (not much talking of marriage before that)... I was so glad to hear that he said he'd follow me to wherever I need to move. I think he's also been messing with one of my rings to see the size of it. I guess I just want to see what everyone else thinks and whether or not my worries are worth worrying about or just coincidental/not really a big issue. Our relationship has gone so wonderfully and I think I'm just afraid that it could all come crashing down when he goes to visit her. I don't think she's ever expressed interest in dating him, but she's the type of girl who craves attention and is very flirty.
Philosoraptor Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Eh, so your relationship is terrific and he's willing to move with you if you have to move for empoloyment? If you trust him, you need to trust that they are just close friends. They seem to have a good friendship and keep in contact. Sure, he may talk about her a lot but is there a chance they just made a lot more memories together than he's done with some of his male friends? Any chance you can tag along for this trip and make it a nice vacation for the two of you? I'd say something to him like "I've been thinking about your trip to see Elle and if I can find a way would you mind me tagging along? I'd love to go on a vacation with you and make memories together". If he's estatic for you to go, you have zero to worry about. If you get pushback and he's adamant about going alone there is your other side of the coin.
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