When your Spouse doesn't let you know...

[winterpast]

What exactly do you think I am bragging about??

[Eivuwan]

well you ask..........sounds like you sit all day long on your ass and dont get it that he have to work and have no time to baby you and answering every little questions about his hours.

i think you do for some part. but i think if you want to work its important to know. and also generally..

 

for the kids also.

 

You don't make any sense. He is able to tell his coworkers his hours so why can't he tell his wife? Also, she doesn't sit on her ass all day. She does all the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, and childcare. That is a lot of work.

[Iguanna]

Some thoughts I have (no offense): is it possible that "subconsciously" you don't want to work so you use this as an excuse?

If this is not the issue, I think you should talk to him seriously about this matter, and this will happen a Sunday when he is relaxed, not on working days. A husband has to be there for things that make his wife sad and nervous. He seems not to care for your feelings. In my opinion this is a deeper "problem" in the relationship than the one you are describing (not informing you about his schedule). I think you should have a long conversation with him, tell him with simple words and without whining what bothers you and how you would prefer him to act in a daily basis (men are not that "smart" like we are and things we find simple like, just send an sms saying "i'll be late" don't even pass their minds so they may need guidance). After that give him some time and see if he follows what you told him. If not, then there are more serious stuff you got to deal with than him informing you he'll be late...

[winterpast]

Some thoughts I have (no offense): is it possible that "subconsciously" you don't want to work so you use this as an excuse?

If this is not the issue, I think you should talk to him seriously about this matter, and this will happen a Sunday when he is relaxed, not on working days. A husband has to be there for things that make his wife sad and nervous. He seems not to care for your feelings. In my opinion this is a deeper "problem" in the relationship than the one you are describing (not informing you about his schedule). I think you should have a long conversation with him, tell him with simple words and without whining what bothers you and how you would prefer him to act in a daily basis (men are not that "smart" like we are and things we find simple like, just send an sms saying "i'll be late" don't even pass their minds so they may need guidance). After that give him some time and see if he follows what you told him. If not, then there are more serious stuff you got to deal with than him informing you he'll be late...

 

No I want to work and I'm not using it as an excuse. If I was able to get a job that would allow me a set, same schedule then I could use daycare.

 

I would use a day off as an attempt for conversation but he currently does not take days off. He will be at work from 7am-9pm each day (according to schedule). I asked him if he could trim that down and he said he could get off at 8:30pm. But in the end, he never gets off when he says he will try. Usually it's 1-3 hours later.

 

Honestly, I've started to get use to the late nights. I figure if I can be home in the evenings with my son then DH can work as late as he wants. What caused me to create the thread was the day he was going to throw night stock. On those days, he usually goes in somewhere between 9pm-10pm and work till open the next day. The last two weeks he's been trying to go in earlier and want to stay later on the next day. The problem is, when I asked him to give me a realistic idea of when he could watch our child (so I can give my availability to potential employers) he told me that those days would be open. If he goes in earlier on Thursday (around 3pm) and stays later on Friday (till 3pm) that would make it a 24 hr straight shift for him and he will no longer be able to watch our son on those days. These work times are not required for his job and is doing this voluntarily.

 

BTW, I'm not 'waiting' around for him to grant me permission to work. I have and will be applying to any and all job openings. I will not turn down a job because of him. I started this thread to gain insight and how things should work in the marriage. I believe that both spouses are suppose to give each other common courtesy, especially with children, and his stance is he shouldn't have to let anyone know.

Edited November 17, 2013 by winterpast

[CA2TN4Love]

If you really want to work, give potential employers your availability based on your husband's SCHEDULED availability (not his volunteer hours) and get a job. Of course he feels fine with putting in additional, voluntary hours right now. You're not working. Once you secure a job, provide him with a schedule and hash out a plan. You're overthinking it (I can see why the poster above asked if you were using it as an excuse).

 

I don't work nearly as many hours as your husband but a few days a week, I work in the field conducting inspections. These days are completely unpredictable and I could find myself putting in a 12 hour day. Being that I was working and busy, the last thing on my mind was texting my ex to tell him when I'd be home (he knew the nature of my job), BUT if I knew that I had to be home at a specific time, I made sure to manage my day accordingly. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt, and go get your job. There are plenty of couples who work in the retail sector and can manage their families just fine.

 

As for your husband not communicating with you, that's a different issue and boils down to a lack of respect. Maybe he figures he doesn't have to let you know because he knows you don't have prior commitments. Perhaps it will be resolved when you get a job and he has to carry some of the household duties.

[winterpast]

If you really want to work, give potential employers your availability based on your husband's SCHEDULED availability (not his volunteer hours) and get a job. Of course he feels fine with putting in additional, voluntary hours right now. You're not working. Once you secure a job, provide him with a schedule and hash out a plan. You're overthinking it (I can see why the poster above asked if you were using it as an excuse).

 

I don't work nearly as many hours as your husband but a few days a week, I work in the field conducting inspections. These days are completely unpredictable and I could find myself putting in a 12 hour day. Being that I was working and busy, the last thing on my mind was texting my ex to tell him when I'd be home (he knew the nature of my job), BUT if I knew that I had to be home at a specific time, I made sure to manage my day accordingly. Give your husband the benefit of the doubt, and go get your job. There are plenty of couples who work in the retail sector and can manage their families just fine.

 

As for your husband not communicating with you, that's a different issue and boils down to a lack of respect. Maybe he figures he doesn't have to let you know because he knows you don't have prior commitments. Perhaps it will be resolved when you get a job and he has to carry some of the household duties.

 

I agree and plan to try all of this.

[Iguanna]

All these practical things can happen, you will find a job, he'll fix his schedule etc. My feeling though is that this problem is not really what is bothering you (and me to be honest). First of all how can a person go through life without rest even on a Sunday? The body and mind can't take this for a long time, he will get exhausted sooner or later. I find this irresponsible for his kid first of all and then for you and himself. I understand that things in the working field are tough, but I can't imagine he won't have the chance to at least take a day off in a week... I don't want to be indiscreet, but how is your life other than this communication problem? Is he a good husband and parent? I find it really difficult to imagine you see your husband for like 2 hours a day after a tough day at work, and I worry about the feelings of the kid, he doesn't see his father enough and that can be troubling for him. Anyway I'm sorry to intrude, the questions are for you to answer and not to me, i'm just a stranger. I just want you to think and consider everything, cause the solution of you getting a job and then not being with your husband at all (cause you'll work when he rests and vice versa) shows me there will be no communication at all.

Good luck with what you do.

[Got it]

winterpast - I understand, it sounds like he is in the food or retail industry. As a GM (I am assuming he is the GM), of a store his schedule will be dictated by the production of his team so if someone doesn't come in then he will need to cover, etc.

 

BUT!!!! To be an effective manager he has to be able to proactively and correctly communicate with his team. There are schedules that are done including the GMs for all stores so the company can track labor (even if he is salaried). His manager will want to see when he is in the store and what he is doing, how his store is running, etc. Your husband may be a manager where he is just trying to be there all the time to fill in the holes but that is not properly managing his team nor he is developing them. He needs to be able to get the team developed where they can execute without him there all the time (this is crucial to his upward mobility as well).

 

So I would ask him, how does he communicate with his team? Take this situation and roll it into his business and ask him how he handles it? How does he handle an employee that comes and goes with no notification? You guys are running your own business, it is your family, and he is now needing a Performance Improvement Plan as he is really dropping the ball.

 

He does a schedule for work, ask to see it and then you guys can go from there. If he is refusing then you need to look at this as if you were a single parent and figure out your child's care around a job. Getting a job, I would definitely agree, is crucial, you need to be self sufficient for your own well being. If you can't rely on him, figure it out on your own and then have a serious talk with him. It sounds like he may be passively aggressively trying to thwart your desire to work or to be asked to be a partner. This is not going to lead to a long or happy marriage.

[janedoe67]

you dont make sense ! why do you ask me? do i look like her husband?

 

its just a topic so cool down

 

Letting your SPOUSE know when you will be home is common courtesy. In a successful marriage, there is not this "I have no idea where my spouse is or when they will be back" nonsense. I have to say I am blown away that there are comments on this thread indicating that the OP should just be fine with not knowing when her husband will be home. And anyone who has ever actually had children knows that a stay at home mom does NOT sit on her butt all day.

 

And...grammar is a good skill to learn, just sayin'

[winterpast]

All these practical things can happen, you will find a job, he'll fix his schedule etc. My feeling though is that this problem is not really what is bothering you (and me to be honest). First of all how can a person go through life without rest even on a Sunday? The body and mind can't take this for a long time, he will get exhausted sooner or later. I find this irresponsible for his kid first of all and then for you and himself. I understand that things in the working field are tough, but I can't imagine he won't have the chance to at least take a day off in a week... I don't want to be indiscreet, but how is your life other than this communication problem? Is he a good husband and parent? I find it really difficult to imagine you see your husband for like 2 hours a day after a tough day at work, and I worry about the feelings of the kid, he doesn't see his father enough and that can be troubling for him. Anyway I'm sorry to intrude, the questions are for you to answer and not to me, i'm just a stranger. I just want you to think and consider everything, cause the solution of you getting a job and then not being with your husband at all (cause you'll work when he rests and vice versa) shows me there will be no communication at all.

Good luck with what you do.

 

He doesn't get enough rest. He did this at his previous job after he was promoted to GM. They told him to put more responsibility on his team and to back off of his hours (he was putting in 90+ a week). He got cocky and said "I'm a machine, I don't burn out!" and also "I'm the BEST and they can't get rid of me when I'm making them sooooo much money!". After 4 months he was fired for not being an effective Manager. Of course, he believes they fired him out of jealousy.

 

He might get 2-4 hours of sleep at night. He will tell me one night that he doesn't think he can keep going like this and if I mention solutions to help him lighten his workload, he will get defensive and say that I'm talking down to him and telling him how to do his job. So basically, I can listen to him rant about being tired, coworkers not doing their job and how he can't stay awake during his commute but I better not say one negative word about it myself. He thinks I'm trying to control him when I am trying to help. At the previous job he would say things like "you don't own me!'.

 

Anyways, he's been a GM/SM for about three months now. He told me when he took the promotion that this all would get better by the three month mark and now he's saying to give it till the end of the year.

 

Everyone he knows has told him that he needs to take better care of himself. Everyone is afraid he will kill himself on the interstate. They all of BEGGED him to find better employment but all that has done is make him distance himself from everyone.

 

As far as being a good husband/father. He's a great father and our son loves him. He asks for daddy several times a day. They might get to see each other 3-4 hours a week.

 

As far a being a husband, depends on his mood. I don't know what else to say about that. I try not to need him for anything because I know asking for anything results with "sorry, I'm at work".

 

I'm not needing a job as a solution for our personal/marital problems. I know it will decrease our chances to see each other but at this point he's finding more time to spend at his job anyways. I'm want/need to work so I can pay for groceries and anything else my son might need.

[winterpast]

winterpast - I understand, it sounds like he is in the food or retail industry. As a GM (I am assuming he is the GM), of a store his schedule will be dictated by the production of his team so if someone doesn't come in then he will need to cover, etc.

His official title is Store Manager but that's basically the same. He says he is currently understaffed. There has been a lot of people quitting or just not showing up for their first shift.

 

BUT!!!! To be an effective manager he has to be able to proactively and correctly communicate with his team. There are schedules that are done including the GMs for all stores so the company can track labor (even if he is salaried). His manager will want to see when he is in the store and what he is doing, how his store is running, etc. Your husband may be a manager where he is just trying to be there all the time to fill in the holes but that is not properly managing his team nor he is developing them. He needs to be able to get the team developed where they can execute without him there all the time (this is crucial to his upward mobility as well).

I know this is one problem. He is such a perfectionist about things. He will tell someone to do something and find out the next day that didn't do it, so he does it anyway. I try to not bring it up because if I tell him he might want to try different management techniques, he gets defensive and says I'm trying to tell him how to do his job.

 

So I would ask him, how does he communicate with his team? Take this situation and roll it into his business and ask him how he handles it? How does he handle an employee that comes and goes with no notification? You guys are running your own business, it is your family, and he is now needing a Performance Improvement Plan as he is really dropping the ball.

According to him he's super strict with his employee's and doesn't allow this type of behavior from them. He just loves being salaried because he thinks he doesn't have to restrict himself hourly.

 

He does a schedule for work, ask to see it and then you guys can go from there. If he is refusing then you need to look at this as if you were a single parent and figure out your child's care around a job. Getting a job, I would definitely agree, is crucial, you need to be self sufficient for your own well being. If you can't rely on him, figure it out on your own and then have a serious talk with him. It sounds like he may be passively aggressively trying to thwart your desire to work or to be asked to be a partner. This is not going to lead to a long or happy marriage.

He does have a schedule that they do weekly on paper BUT doesn't want to bring it home because he says his part of the schedule is just a "template" and will never reflect the paper one. I think he doesn't want to bring it home because he thinks I will try to hold him to it.

 

 

Since you are a GM yourself I would love more input on this, thanks!

[Iguanna]

What you describe is not healthy or responsible for himself and the kid. Other than that, I want to ask yourself: is this fair for you and your son? Is this the life you dreamed for yourself and your son? I suggest you let some time pass and see if your husband will calm down with the job, try to talk to him also on Christmas holidays maybe? and tell him all the complaints you have. You deserve to be treated better and your son deserves to spend more time with his dad. Your husband needs to know that this lifestyle can't go on like this for much time more. Well you know better what you want, express your needs and be really strong minded about them.

[winterpast]

Letting your SPOUSE know when you will be home is common courtesy. In a successful marriage, there is not this "I have no idea where my spouse is or when they will be back" nonsense. I have to say I am blown away that there are comments on this thread indicating that the OP should just be fine with not knowing when her husband will be home. And anyone who has ever actually had children knows that a stay at home mom does NOT sit on her butt all day.

 

And...grammar is a good skill to learn, just sayin'

 

Sitting on my butt all day is entirely impossible with a two-year-old toddler. If I were to do that, the house would burn to the ground or something. I'm either trying to fix something, keep him from climbing something dangerous, keeping him from terrorizing the dog, going outside to play, coloring, kissing boo-boo's, telling him "don't lick that!" or "get that out of your mouth! That's not food!", calming a tantrum because he can't wear six pairs of pants at the same time, calming him down because he can't walk in my pair of heels he found, etc.

 

Seriously, I could write a book of the kinds of things he is doing in a day.

[winterpast]

What you describe is not healthy or responsible for himself and the kid. Other than that, I want to ask yourself: is this fair for you and your son? Is this the life you dreamed for yourself and your son? I suggest you let some time pass and see if your husband will calm down with the job, try to talk to him also on Christmas holidays maybe? and tell him all the complaints you have. You deserve to be treated better and your son deserves to spend more time with his dad. Your husband needs to know that this lifestyle can't go on like this for much time more. Well you know better what you want, express your needs and be really strong minded about them.

 

You are right, it's not healthy. I've been trying to get that across for the past year. He acts like he doesn't have any other options. He believes this is how it is for everyone. At this point, I can't get it through to him. I try to do what I can myself and for my son.

[Eivuwan]

You are right, it's not healthy. I've been trying to get that across for the past year. He acts like he doesn't have any other options. He believes this is how it is for everyone. At this point, I can't get it through to him. I try to do what I can myself and for my son.

 

It seems like you might as well be a single mom getting child support in the situation you're in.

[winterpast]

It seems like you might as well be a single mom getting child support in the situation you're in.

 

Pretty much how I've been feeling for a while. And, yes DH knows this but thinks I would have it harder without him.

[Eivuwan]

Pretty much how I've been feeling for a while. And, yes DH knows this but thinks I would have it harder without him.

 

how much harder?

[Got it]

Since you are a GM yourself I would love more input on this, thanks!

 

Winterpast - I am not a GM, I am just very familiar with the industry. I can tell you what he can do and not do, I can tell you that he isn't actually running his store properly because running himself into the ground is not how you train people. I can tell you he has a schedule that he does follow to a large part. But none of it matters if, at the bottom line, he isn't wanting to meet you half way.

 

That is what this is coming down to, is he willing to overcome this marital obstacle together? I know many GMs, and it is a very important and hard job. BUT there is structure to it and there is the ability for a work/life balance. Most are expected to work a 50 hour work week. They are not expected to be doing 80 hours as that is unproductive.

 

What is his manager doing to help him? HR? Recruiting? He has ways to solve the problems if he wants them solved. But the most important thing, what is he doing to try and focus on his family?

 

You can't make him want to fix this. You can't make him want to care. That is his call. At this point, I would focus on you and your son, get that job, figure out child care on your own and expect to act as a single parent for the time being. I think marital counseling is in order for you two as I don't see this marriage being successful with his current mindset.

 

I can tell you, how he is doing things will not get him promoted to a District Manager/multi store manager. It is not efficient and he won't be able to cover multiple stores in his current thought process. If he wants to move up, he needs to learn how develop people so they do what they are supposed to do, and he can actually manage them. If not he will be stuck at this level forever spinning his wheels. He has to learn how to develop people. That is the key to upward mobility.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Got it

[crederer]

So she's just supposed to be at the mercy of his "unpredictable" schedule?

 

Well yeah, he is at the mercy of his unpredictable schedule as well. How else would you suggest he handle it?

 

He could maybe get another job eventually (could take years if he's working full time and not able to make most interviews if he's even lucky enough to land an interview) and work for less money. But I have a feeling that would all cause a set of different problems.

Edited November 19, 2013 by crederer

[janedoe67]

Well yeah, he is at the mercy of his unpredictable schedule as well. How else would you suggest he handle it?

 

He could maybe get another job eventually (could take years if he's working full time and not able to make most interviews if he's even lucky enough to land an interview) and work for less money. But I have a feeling that would all cause a set of different problems.

 

So, in your mind, his wife deserves no idea of when her husband and the father of their children MIGHT be available, whether he will ever be home for diner, where he might actually be? She should just do her thing and not even care that she knows nothing about where he might be when?

 

I cannot imagine anyone being self-centered and thoughtless enough to actually think that is loving or okay.

[Got it]

Well yeah, he is at the mercy of his unpredictable schedule as well. How else would you suggest he handle it?

 

He could maybe get another job eventually (could take years if he's working full time and not able to make most interviews if he's even lucky enough to land an interview) and work for less money. But I have a feeling that would all cause a set of different problems.

 

You are assuming he HAS to work these hours. That may not be completely the case so it isn't even about needing to find another job, just being more effective at his current one.

 

I think there are still many options out there for compromise on this issue as well as his work ones. It is about being open to them and wanting to actually change things.

[winterpast]

He already said if he were to change jobs it would be for the same atmosphere. He doesn't want to change his work habits.

 

When he was working the previous job as a SM/GM, he would comment about that being his life/career. If I mentioned him possibly looking at other job options he would say he would divorce before giving up that job.

 

 

Anyways, DH called while on his way into work. Wanted to tell me about a conversation with his mother. During the call he asked why I was stressed. I told him "same stuff you already know about" and he asked if he is contributing to the stress. I told him "being away 90% of the time does add some of the stress" but also told him that his working wasn't the whole reason I'm stressed out. He gets upset and says he doesn't understand why I'm not supportive of his work.

 

I don't understand why he's always surprised by my response. He asks me this every week and I always give the same answers. I guess he's looking for a different response.

[Iguanna]

The more you post about him the more I see a selfish and self centered person who thinks is the center of the world, that only he has real problems and that you and your son should be always in the waiting list to get his precious attention. Only thinking of being in your place makes me feel really betrayed and hurt, hearing that he prefers more to fight for a f...ng job than his marriage. At the level he has gone with work I'm not sure anymore that he does it to bring money to his house and not because he just want to prove to himself and his boss - coworkers that he can be successful. This starts to become an illness and I'm not sure how long more you will be able to take this. I can understand that you love him and you have dreamed a life with him obviously, but is this bahavior one you think you deserve?

[winterpast]

I'm always #2, I know that now.

 

One of DH's coworkers was living with us temporarily while I was pregnant. I made a big deal to DH because this guys started to be disrespectful in our home (trashing the place and bringing drugs in the house). I told him to make this guys move out ASAP because he was trying to stall and didn't want to move out. DH said "I gave this guy my word and I won't go back on it". I told him I would leave if he doesn't make the coworker leave. DH threatened divorce if I pushed the issue. I called his bluff and left for a few nights and DH finally made the guy move out.

[michelangelo]

Just because a person puts in huge hours does not mean he is a good manager.

 

Add in that his spouse is severely affected by this choice, and having been fired for this very behavior, your H is blowing it.

 

That said, go get a job of your choosing. Deal with the day care issue as it comes up.

 

Draw a line in the sand about hours of availability--REASONABLE HOURS--and then stick to your decision.

 

If he can't do it, then walk.