Opposite-Sex Friends

[JennyJennifer]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I have been dating my boyfriend for 16 months now, and he’snormally a compassionate person. He recently expressed that he would like tomeet with one of his opposite sex friends for a pizza dinner on a Friday night.I am divorced with two kids, and we usually spend the weekends together. He’sgreat with the kids and I can see a future together. Before he met with her, Iexpressed my concerns over the meeting. He said, he would never cheat on me,and I truly believe he’s not interested in her sexually. I know however, thatthey have been in contact via text messages, and he had expressed to her thathe misses her smile and would like to meet. We had all worked together at onepoint, both of them had found other jobs, and she does not know that he’s in arelationship. I prefer that she doesn’t know that he’s with me (don’t wantother people at the company to find out), but I expressed to him that he shouldacknowledge to her he’s not single. I agreed to the meeting because I don’twant to be controlling and I think you can be friends with the opposite sex.They ended up going to a fancy restaurant (not a pizza dinner) and had a drinktogether. He later invited her to his apartment, as it was on her way home.When I spoke to him about it afterwards, I told him I did not feel comfortablehe met her one-on-one on a Friday night,and that she was at his apartment, to which he said I’m trying to be the upperhand and don’t trust him. He also did not acknowledge that he’s not single toher because he was afraid it would come back to me at work. He told me he lovedme and would not cheat on me, but will continue to see his friend once in awhile without any conditions from my side (that it cannot be on a Friday night,etc.). How should I behave? [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[Mr.Mango]

On the surface I don't think he did anything wrong. He didn't say he was dating because he didn't want to risk work issues, that's understandable. Maybe he wanted to keep talking after dinner and since his apartment was on the way back that made sense. From what you've said, they sound like good friends, but we'd need more info to clarify.

 

Truth be told, if he was cheating on you, there'd be other indicators. I'm not saying don't be cautious, but going overboard isn't very tactful either. I personally have more female friends (as a guy) than guy friends, and treat them pretty much the same. So if a GF of mine would tell me to stop hanging out with them because their girls, I'd probably find that a pretty ridiculous request. People of the opposite sex can totally go have dinner as friends, I do it all the time.

 

I mean, would you feel better if he wasn't upfront at all?

[d0nnivain]

You can express your discomfort -- I'd be furious that this woman came to his house -- but after that you have to drop it.

 

 

Do you know her? Can you get to know her? Maybe next time you can all go out for pizza.

 

 

If he continues to want to have fancy dinners & alone time with her in his or her apartment, I would assume the worst & act accordingly.

[Phantom888]

Ok..I have to comment on this one because I am a mature single dad dating a single mom, and there is always an understanding regarding this issue.

 

Even though opposite sex people can be friends, there is a certain amount of courtesy and appropriateness that need to be considered. My GF and I have no problems having a friendly meal one-on-one with a friend of opposite gender, but when drinks are involved and there is a private apartment to access, this is just plain inappropriate. It's true that he didn't have to disclose your dating relationship, but he should know better than to act inappropriately. You have every right to question and even get upset. He says he is not cheating. Fine. But why is he acting like a cheater? Unless she is BUTT UGLY and SMELLY, he will be motivated to have sex with her while they are both drunk in an apartment late at night. This is not a matter of trust or jealousy. It's a matter of courtesy and consideration on his part. He should not be behaving like this.

[salparadise]

There is no right or wrong response, I don't believe, but there are a number of considerations and how you feel does matter.

 

First, if the two of you are usually together on Friday nights and he leaves you sitting at home to have a date with "the friend" then you are essentially being asked to sit in the back seat so she can sit in front with him. If they are going for fine dining rather than just a pizza, well, that seems a little over the top. I wonder if they went dutch? Going back to his apartment after they'd been drinking and fine dining, well, I guess that's icing on the cake. I'm guessing she must be pretty darn attractive or have high status for it to have transpired this way.

 

Frankly, I think it's humiliating for him to do this to you, and then to assert that he will do so again if he pleases, regardless of how you feel about it... and then he says you're the one trying to have the upper hand?

 

How is the relationship otherwise? Have there been other instances of him disrespecting you, being inconsiderate, or dismissing your feelings? Is there a power struggle aside from this episode? How committed are you to each other at this point? Is the relationship progressing, talk of future plans or not?

 

So the potential for actual cheating notwithstanding, all of these other things are adding up to a picture of a guy who thinks that doing as he pleases is more important than how you feel, and who does not value the relationship since he's willing to put it on the line. Now he has put you in the position of having to swallow or push back. I think he sounds like the kind of man who will give you only as much respect as you demand, and that's not a place I'd want to be. If you opt to swallow then the paradigm and power in this have changed.

[FitChick]

Sorry, but Friday night is date night everywhere in the world. He could meet her for lunch or meet for drinks after work on a week day on his way home to have dinner with you.

 

You had all worked together at one point but don't now. Who cares if coworkers know you are dating him? If the three of you all know each other, why can't the three of you get together to talk about old times?

 

If you still don't want coworkers to know you are dating him (are you ashamed?), at the very least he should have told that woman he has been in a relationship with someone for over a year. That is the major red flag for me.

 

Too bad you couldn't accidentally bump into her and casually mention his name. I wonder what she would say, i.e. "We've just started dating."

 

She might not want to date him if she knew he was dating you. She may think he is single. Too bad you couldn't send her an anonymous note saying he is seriously involved with someone.

 

Perhaps you should have a conversation with the boyfriend about the future of your relationship. He is seeing what you will put up with. Are you normally a doormat?

[salparadise]

She might not want to date him if she knew he was dating you. She may think he is single. Too bad you couldn't send her an anonymous note saying he is seriously involved with someone.

 

Yea, this. I think the only one who's not seeing this for what it is, a date-date, is Miss JJ. He's shoving it down her throat and saying I don't care how you feel, she's just a friend and this is how it's going to be. Which translates to... he's mesmerized by the friend to the extent that he'd walk away from his relationship for a chance with her. He's seeing her as a potential upgrade.

 

I personally think JJ should walk on this one but I realize that sixteen months of attachment makes it easier said than done. There are just too many circumstances... keeping the women separate and the relationship secret, fine dining on friday night, etc., etc. JJ, I'm sorry but he's treating you horribly. Your choices are to pretend to buy into this friend crap as an avoidance strategy, or not.

[mammasita]

I think what he did is completely unacceptable. I don't care how you or he want to spin it. I'm not a fan of one on one male-female friendships when you're in a relationship to begin with so this is coming from a biased place.

 

He is wrong.

[LovelyLamb]

I think that there are some very blurred lines here that need to be solidified. If it makes you uncomfortable and he refuses to admit that he has a girlfriend to her, then you need to speak up and tell him that you think there's too much room for inappropriate behavior. Even if he doesn't intentionally try to lead her on, she may think he's interested due to his comments and actions, and from thinking he's not in a committed relationship. It's just a recipe for disaster.

 

That being said, men and women can definitely have friends of the opposite sex, especially when in a relationship. If both parties keep the lines drawn between the friends, then there shouldn't be an issue.

 

And if all else fails, just befriend her since you know her anyway. Keep your friends close, and enemies closer after all.

[soccerrprp]

I truly believe he’s not interested in her sexually.

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?

 

I know however, that they have been in contact via text messages, and he had expressed to her that he misses her smile and would like to meet.

 

He told you all of this or you saw the texts? His expression of missing her smile and wanting to meet is a RED FLAG big time. So, he initiated the meeting? Is this an ex? Sounds like one...

 

...but I expressed to him that he should acknowledge to her he’s not single.

 

And he later told you that he didn't do this to protect your identity. BS. He could have done this w/o it getting back to you.

 

They ended up going to a fancy restaurant (not a pizza dinner) and had a drink together. He later invited her to his apartment, as it was on her way home.

 

So, it went from friendly pizza to FRIDAY NIGHT dinner at a "fancy" restaurant and drinks. He could have had a daylight lunch to catch-up. HE invited her to his apartment. Absolutely no need for this. You don't invite a friend of the opposite sex to your apartment after a "friendly" meal if you care about your relationship with your current SO. This was a date, imo.

 

he said I’m trying to be the upperhand and don’t trust him. He also did not acknowledge that he’s not single to her because he was afraid it would come back to me at work.

 

He became defensive. RED FLAG.

 

...but will continue to see his friend once in awhile without any conditions from my side (that it cannot be on a Friday night,etc.).

 

He put his foot down and TOLD you that you have no say. He is not considerate of your concerns. RED FLAG.

 

I have exes and friends of the opposite sex. My gf knows this and does not like it. I am completely considerate of my gf's concerns and don't do anything that even remotely casts doubts. All of my female friends know of my gf, I've sent pics, and there is NO doubt to whom I belong. A guy who really cares about you lets the world know that YOU are the one he's with. NO QUESTION.

Edited November 15, 2013 by soccerrprp

[kassy]

To play devils advocate. I would be annoyed if I wasn't allowed to have dinner and see good friends of mine or carry on and have a drink at my place with them. If I am in a relationship I am not going to cheat. I have never had a partner be worried about this. The guys might as well be girls as far as I'm concerned. I also have never had a male friend who I was alone with make any form of move on me or anything inappropriate.

 

However, the concern here is that she didn't know he was in a relationship. If I am good friends with a guy they are probably right up to date with my dating drama and me theirs and so part of catching up without our partners would be to talk about them and our relationships. I've had some great advice from guys on how to deal with problems, and also to celebrate my partners awesomeness and vice versa.

 

I know in America this seems to be really a no no. But in the rest of the world not so much in my humble experience.

 

If you trust him then it should be ok. If you don't trust him to spend 4 hours in another woman's company by himself then I suggest that there is a much bigger problem in the relationship.

 

I assume I will get ripped apart from all the Americans for this.

[soccerrprp]

I know in America this seems to be really a no no. But in the rest of the world not so much in my humble experience.

 

 

I am an American that celebrates the crap out of the SO I'm with and want the world to know. Is this what non-Americans think of us?

[kassy]

I was meaning having one on one time with opposite sex friends seems to be a no no in America.

 

Of course celebrate the awesomeness of your SO. I clearly worded my response badly. Sorry for the confusion

[vtran31]

an issue with relationships is that men want to talk and even flirt with other women when anchored to another. There is no real solution to this :bunny::bunny:

[phineas]

Ok..I have to comment on this one because I am a mature single dad dating a single mom, and there is always an understanding regarding this issue.

 

Even though opposite sex people can be friends, there is a certain amount of courtesy and appropriateness that need to be considered. My GF and I have no problems having a friendly meal one-on-one with a friend of opposite gender, but when drinks are involved and there is a private apartment to access, this is just plain inappropriate. It's true that he didn't have to disclose your dating relationship, but he should know better than to act inappropriately. You have every right to question and even get upset. He says he is not cheating. Fine. But why is he acting like a cheater? Unless she is BUTT UGLY and SMELLY, he will be motivated to have sex with her while they are both drunk in an apartment late at night. This is not a matter of trust or jealousy. It's a matter of courtesy and consideration on his part. He should not be behaving like this.

 

What this guy said.

 

If I was dating someone and she did this she'd be gone because in the past when they did do this it turned out they were either cheating or they just didn't respect me much.

 

These day's I really do not have problems with women being disrespectful because they can just tell i'd drop them in a heart beat.

 

OP obviously is way too attached to a guy who still wants to act single.

Or he's too stupid to know how to behave when with someone.

 

And why the secrecy again?

I though OP said her BF & this woman left the company.

[phineas]

an issue with relationships is that men want to talk and even flirt with other women when anchored to another. There is no real solution to this :bunny::bunny:

 

SOME PEOPLE want to do this.

Don't try to single out one sex.