Dumper on my Facebook??

[mirage12]

I'd been dating a girl recently and we broke up this weekend. We were together since January but officially dating for 8 months. We spent our last year of grad school together. I've been in this place before - I know the NC rules, I know about the almost nil chance of reconciliation, I know I'm going through the motions right now. Like a lot of you that are hurting, I feel it too - an empty void where she used to be, completely lost like I'm walking through fog and I can't stop thinking of so many memories we shared.

 

I was talking to a friend of mine who also knows her, and he was telling me about a conversation he had with her. He couldn't remember when it was but it was before she an I started dating. She was asking him about another guy she had gone on a few dates with, and talking about how this guy was great - smart, had money, etc. but the issue was that he was serious, and at the time she wasn't - she understood that it was her last year before she began working and she'd never be able to have fun this way again...and she just wanted to have fun.

 

When I hear about that conversation and translate that to our relationship, part of it makes sense to me, especially if it was always her plan all along to focus 100% on her career and be single when she started it so she could do that. But what doesn't match is how our relationship carried on, and how/when we broke up. The "fun" for us ended in May, 6 months before we broke up, when we graduated from school. At that point, we began studying for the hardest test of our lives and for many months it was so difficult to have a relationship/be dating someone during that stressful time. To stay together during that horrible period, that took work and even more stress - she could've easily broken it off right at graduation and have had her fun.

 

And then after that we were apart for weeks because we both went on separate trips and travelled...we both went to different places, and it would've been a lot more fun to be single on these trips. She could've easily broken up before then. But we still stayed together through all of that.

 

And then there was the timing of when we broke up. It wasn't right before work, which would have made sense. Why not end things before starting, so that she could begin her career with a clear head and not the burden of a breakup? To give you all a bit of background, my ex didn't deal well with stress, she tends to shut people out when she's very stressed. In the month since she started working, she changed. The job she has is a lifestyle-type job, one that is incredibly demanding, extreme pressure and horribly long hours. It's a lifestyle job because many people have a hard time maintaining social lives or relationships while going through it. On top of that, she's had added stress because she took our state's bar exam and the results come back in 1.5 weeks. She's very worried she might fail.

 

I could see the toll the job was taking on her over the past month - it went from extreme stress/anxiety in the first two weeks, she was constantly feeling like failure, like she was going to get fired. And then in the past two weeks it turned to misery/depression - something I'd never seen her before. Nothing I could say could help it, she was just miserable about everything in life - didn't want to do anything. Maybe it was also because the relationship to her was failing, but I think it was the job that did it to her - the changes began right when she started working.

 

When we were breaking up, it wasn't contentious at all...it was just sad. I thought for a while that she just wanted to give me the usual BS answers about how "it wasn't me, it was her" and she did say over and over again that she needed to fix herself, that she knew she was broken. But she also kept saying things to me like "you're perfect" and "you're incredible" over and over; while it was happening and in the last text she sent to me afterward. It didn't make sense to me why she would need to say those things - it was more than was necessary at that point.

 

The only possible conclusion I can come to is that although she didn't ever intend to have a serious relationship this past year, we lasted longer and stayed together through all of those transition points because she ended up falling for me. I think that one of the reasons why she didn't end things before starting to work was because she really wanted to try to do both. And I think she underestimated the horrbile effect work would have on her.

 

Am I just spinning my wheels? Or does this make sense? I know that once something is done that it's almost always for good. But I also can't help thinking that this is a situation of right person, wrong time. And if that's the case, couldn't it be OK for me to stay a little bit in her periphery? To reach out to her every now and then, with maybe a short call? I don't want to drag myself on with false hope but eventually things will get better for her, and she'll figure out her job. We ended things on such a sad note, but in a good way - with me telling her how much I loved her and that I knew she needed this but whether we can't be in a relationship now or ever again, I'd still always be there for her. I'm worried about her, her state of mind, because I was the one she confided in/vented to, not even her parents or her best friends. I don't know who she's going to talk to now. I want to be there for her and to reach out when we get our test results in a few weeks. Am I a fool?

[mirage12]

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading

[melell]

I don't think you are a fool.

 

If she was really depressed and struggling to work out what to do then perhaps she was hasty in her decision.

 

In my experience, having times of very bad anxiety and depression, that never made me stop loving someone. It is really hard for someone to break up with someone they love, so I would perhaps think she is just not feeling it the way you are.

 

As for the compliments- that is something people do to relieve themselves of guilt when they know they are hurting someone.

 

I do agree that she may have really underestimated how close you two were- but that wasn't enough for her to stay with you...

 

My advice is to move on, and forget about it. Act as though you will never be close again, but do so with your head held high.

 

In all honesty, I don't feel like this relationship was on equal ground- ie one person cared and was more open than the other. Sadly, that is a prime way to get ones heart broken.

[todreaminblue]

I know when you make major decisions when you are depressed they are normally not the same if you weren't depressed so I have had therapy and recognise when I should leave major decisions

 

 

My advice is to stay but that advice is motivated by knowledge of my own depression when I am going under I tend to swim away from those I love not wanting to make their life harder trying to pull me back I am no lightweight no one can save me but me and god which he has many times

 

 

I am an over achiever ill try to be everything do everything and of course I fail because I can't be that not meant to be and do everything what I do really need is that companion I can confide in who understands me I am ready for that has taken a while but I have prayed and feel I can have that kind of love again for someone and by someone

 

 

study and or work is secondary to me always has been to maintaining a balance between my personal health and happiness of those around who love me

 

 

I have my projects i am working on involving people I have to help

 

I don't work or study at the moment because I am treading water not completely down but on my way if anything goes wrong or I take on too much

 

 

I am under observation I know the fine line between sitting on a pier and diving in the water and giving in

 

I have a team that visits and calls me no doubt if I clam up they will put me in hospital I don't cry out for help I am the opposite so if I stop talking they put me in not voluntarily under request from family

 

 

Stay with her make sure family and or friends know she is down there is a chance with help that is she will come back to you she sounds like an overachiever who needs to talk be there if you feel you can be there

 

 

I wish her a quick recovery and knowledge that she is loved I wish you and her happiness

Edited November 13, 2013 by todreaminblue

[mirage12]

I don't think you are a fool.

 

If she was really depressed and struggling to work out what to do then perhaps she was hasty in her decision.

 

In my experience, having times of very bad anxiety and depression, that never made me stop loving someone. It is really hard for someone to break up with someone they love, so I would perhaps think she is just not feeling it the way you are.

 

I think so too but it's hard for me to describe the pressure of the career she's entering into. She's known for the past year that her life as she knows it will be ending and that her job will be all-consuming. I think it's definitely possible you're right - that the amount of feelings were off-balance. If that was the case though, I can't stop thinking about the timing. Why wait to end things after the job had started for a month? A breakup is horrible even for the dumper...I can barely focus at work at my job. It seems to me like she tried to see if she could make both work but that the pressure of juggling new career and relationship was too hard, especially at a time when she's in an awful place and trying to figure out how to cope with the job stress. I guess I took the timing of the breakup in a different way than you did - that she waited to try it for a month after starting to work because even though she guessed she couldn't handle both, she wasn't willing to let go without trying? Am I totally off base?

[mirage12]

Todreaminblue: you said some things perfectly. She doesn't handle extreme stress well and she is the type of person that has horrible anxiety and feels constantly as if she's failing - although she never shows it to most people. There was a two week period before we graduated when she was under extreme stress from finals and she went MIA - I didn't see her, couldn't contact her for a while, like she just shut me out and went into a hole.

 

I also do want to be there for her because I'm really worried about her. I don't know how to stay in touch though - we are broken up. I want to reach out to check up on her and remain in her periphery but I just don't know if there's a point or how to do that.

[mirage12]

Also to add to my last post, this time it was more than just extreme stress and anxiety - she was absolutely miserable. She said she hasn't been so down for years and she also felt like she was on an island/alone this time because even I couldn't know exactly what she was going through (my job doesn't have the same horrible pressures). I think not only is it her instinct to shut down/push people away when she's under extreme pressure but it's also that this time was worse, stress seemed like it was turning into depression...even though she was still able to maintain some fun/still go out with friends and look smiling in pictures, I know that isn't how she's been feeling.

[mirage12]

Sorry for bringing this up again but something small/minor happened. My ex has been through many breakups before - she knows nC and how it's the best way. She also is the type to break things off/never look back, not the type that would purposely mess with my head.

 

Yesterday I changed a profile pic on Facebook. I'd previously changed it another time last weekend, after we broke up. Last night she liked the older profile pic - not the new one that I put up yesterday, the one put up last weekend. Why was she on my page? Why do something like that? It's very minor but it's something I was not expecting her to do...

[mirage12]

Hello. Thanks for those if you that have been helping me through this hard time. 15-second summary of my breakup - dated a girl at the end of grad school for 8 months. She broke up with me recently because she started a very high pressure career and it's having a horrible effect on her - first two weeks on the job she was feeling constant anxiety/stress, last two weeks before we broke up she was miserable/sounding depressed.

 

We ended on good terms and I think it was a right person, wrong time type of breakup. But I got a mixed signal from her yesterday - we've been NC since the breakup last weekend. But last night she "liked" a profile pic I put up over the weekend...which I had changed to a new one yesterday. Normally I'd think she's just messing with me or this is small and stupid. But:

 

1. She's dated many more people than I have and she knows how the game works, esp. with NC.

2. She's not the type to mess with me, but she IS the type to never look back once she's cut something. So knowing her, this tiny reach out was very unexpected.

 

I know it's impossible to know why she did it (maybe it's an accident, maybe it's her trying to reach out) but I was just starting to stop thinking about it and now I am again. She's very smart...seems like a deliberate move and that she would know it would get me thinking of her again. Why? What should I do? I want to break NC to reach out to her, especially to see if she's ok...but I don't think this tiny sign is concrete enough? What is she trying to do??

[Tomthetiger]

Bloody fb:mad:

[forgetmenot75]

Mirage:

 

"Hello. Thanks for those if you that have been helping me through this hard time. 15-second summary of my breakup - dated a girl at the end of grad school for 8 months. She broke up with me recently because she started a very high pressure career and it's having a horrible effect on her - first two weeks on the job she was feeling constant anxiety/stress, last two weeks before we broke up she was miserable/sounding depressed"-

 

 

those are EXCUSES.

 

If you want to believe she loved you but she had to resign her love because of the stress of her job, its your choice.

 

she liking your pic could mean she still wants something with you, specially if she knows how NC works. she is messing with you. She probably likes you, but not enough. she probably has someone else in mind, but as if it's not for sure, she still wants to have you as a second option.

 

Either way: SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU. SHE IS GIVING YOU BREADCRUMBS RIGHT NOW.

 

TELL HER YOU ARE BLOCKING HER ON FACEBOOK AND IN YOUR LIFE AND MOVE ON.

[mirage12]

Mirage:

those are EXCUSES.

 

If you want to believe she loved you but she had to resign her love because of the stress of her job, its your choice.

 

she liking your pic could mean she still wants something with you, specially if she knows how NC works. she is messing with you. She probably likes you, but not enough. she probably has someone else in mind, but as if it's not for sure, she still wants to have you as a second option.

 

Either way: SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU. SHE IS GIVING YOU BREADCRUMBS RIGHT NOW.

 

TELL HER YOU ARE BLOCKING HER ON FACEBOOK AND IN YOUR LIFE AND MOVE ON.

 

Normally I would tend to agree with you...but I've gone over this with many of my friends who also know her, and I do honestly think it's more than excuses. Unless you were in our industry, you couldn't understand the pressure of the type of job she has - it's all consuming. The general belief by people working the job is that it is difficult, if not impossible to maintain a relationship while working it. I also know how she normally has horrible anxiety and she deals with stress very very poorly. So I saw her slowly start to fall apart. I'm also almost certain it's not that there was someone else in the picture.

 

Blocking her on the FB is too extreme. Our breakup was also not at all contentious. We left on great terms, I told her i still loved her and would always be there for her, especially through this hard time, etc. It doesn't make sense to me that she's doing It to mess with me - there's no point for her to, she's not mad at me.

 

I do think the like wasn't for my benefit but was somehow for hers. Maybe to communicate to me she wants to keep the door open in the future? Maybe her way of trying to say she wants to talk? I know she's in a very bad place right now and she's struggling, so I don't think this is malicious in any way, even though she did the dumping.

[forgetmenot75]

If you want to live in a bubble, as I said, it's your choice.

all breakups are the same: one dumper and one dumpee. If she's not with you right now, it's because she doesn't want to.

she may be stressed, crazy, maniac, all those things together. Reality is: SHE'S NOT WITH YOU.

Reality is: SHE IS GIVING YOU BREADCRUMBS.

 

Breakups are difficult, I'm glad you have some friends there for you.

you have your own ideas, though, it's ok, but you'll soon or later realize how things really are.

[mirage12]

No I absolutely hear you and thank you for what you're saying. I know you're right about almost all of that, and it's true - we aren't together right now. I've been through breakups before and I know how they work...this one is especially hard for me because I really don't think we split because we weren't great together. She's at a really hard point in life and I know she tried to maintain the relationship, but how could she, if she could barely keep herself together at work? And yes, I do also think work is very important, it's the start of her career. I can't fault her for not wanting to jeopardize it...she tried.

 

The Facebook interaction just makes me wonder how I should react - seems like she's still inviting some type of interaction. I already know any such interaction wouldn't be us getting back together - at least not nlw (if ever), until she figured out how to handle her new career. But I don't want to fall out of her periphery either, especially because of the how/why we split up. Seems like she doesn't want me to completely either?

[reddragon588]

Didn't read your post fully, but I'll say the same thing I do on every Facebook thread. Delete her. Your situation is not unique and it won't ruin any chance of reconciliation if that chance is still there. Just delete her and stop wasting time thinking about Facebook and more time on things that actually matter in your life.

[Minneloa]

FB is a den of false hope. OP, see how one tiny "like" has you in analytical overdrive? This is not good for you or your healing. I strongly urge you to put the focus on you and your emotional health, rather than on your ex's tepid breadcrumb on social media. Who knows what it means? Unfortunately, the hard, cold fact is that you are broken up; that's the reality you have to accept. I strongly urge you to delete her as a friend or at least deactivate FB for awhile so you can get your own house in order, emotionally speaking, without having the setback of pseudo-contact.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[mirage12]

What if....I follow her lead and just like one of her pictures back? Not breaking NC really, equally passive?

[reddragon588]

What if....I follow her lead and just like one of her pictures back? Not breaking NC really, equally passive?

 

It's totally breaking NC. Just delete her. What is this going to do? She's dropping lame breadcrumbs and you're feasting on them. Just delete her. Deleting my ex was the most important step for me in my healing. If there is a chance of reconciliation, deleting her won't affect it.

[mirage12]

I know you're right on all of this. I guess I'm just thinking it might encourage her to continue reaching out/actually say something, and not sure how it hurts me more.

[Minneloa]

I know you're right on all of this. I guess I'm just thinking it might encourage her to continue reaching out/actually say something, and not sure how it hurts me more.

 

If she wants to reach out, she will find another way.

 

Having her on FB hurts you by allowing hope to remain in the forefront of your mind because an avenue of contact is still open. It hurts you because it keeps you suspended, rather than allowing you to heal and move on. Fundamentally, it hurts you because it keeps her on your mind and on your radar.

[Minneloa]

It's totally breaking NC. Just delete her. What is this going to do? She's dropping lame breadcrumbs and you're feasting on them. Just delete her. Deleting my ex was the most important step for me in my healing. If there is a chance of reconciliation, deleting her won't affect it.

 

It was a huge step for me, too. I kept putting it off, but when I finally did it, I felt a whoosh of relief. Liberation!

[reddragon588]

I know you're right on all of this. I guess I'm just thinking it might encourage her to continue reaching out/actually say something, and not sure how it hurts me more.

 

Do you want her to reach out, or do you want to reach out with something of substance. It takes about 1 second to like a picture on Facebook. There is no substance ther. If she's going to reach out to you, it should be with something to offer to you, like getting back together. I like pictures of cats on Facebook but I don't want to date them. Let her give you something meaningful, not this.

[mirage12]

This takes a bit of backstory to explain, but I do want her to reach out with substance but there's a situation which plays into why we broke up. We are both awaiting the results of a huge test we took, which will have a drastic effect on our careers. Test results come back next Friday. She legitimately fears she may have failed the test, and if she does the results would be horrible - she might lose her job outright, she might not but might have to move home, she might have to retake it which would be a 7-month process. To add to her already developing anxiety/depression, the stress of the test results coming up was completely overwhelming to her (she already can't handle stress - shuts down and pushes people away).

 

I guess the point of the FB like is that it seems like she's making a minor effort to reach out in a time that's very hard for her. Of course I want to talk to her and hope she wants a reconciliation but that's not something that could possibly happen until she first passes, and second learns how to do well in her career, or at least how to balance it with life/relationships. But I want to see how she's doing, and if the test results come back bad, to be there for her.

[mirage12]

I also realize I know it sounds like I'm making a lot of excuses for her. The reason why is that I think I understand why she broke up - I know how she is, I know how she handles situations like the one she's in, and I've seen her change in a bad way once she started working. I think she tried hard to juggle the relationship and the career but the pressure was too much and she had to take a step back - I totally understand. But I just want to stay even slightly in her periphery because of that.

[organizedchaos]

My ex was liking several of my photos on Instagram. I thought the same thing. I would return the likes thinking hey, we're communicating..Maybe this means something. Her response when we finally talked about it, "I just like looking at your photos".

 

Meant nothing.