aybc123 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 So for anyone not familiar, i broke up with my ex at the start of july due to various issues, it was relatively mutual though 60:40 her (i was happy to keep the status quo but knew things weren't great). We stayed best friends for a couple of months and so the breakup didn't really hit me until she told me she had been on a couple of dates with someone new whilst living away temporarily for work. I kind of went off the deepend, acted out, tried to get her back we fell out and she ignored me (start of september). Left her to her own devices whilst i tried to move on sent a text at the start of october apologising for acting like a jerk but apart from that no contact. Anyway i've been feeling a lot more grounded and myself the last few weeks, i decided to contact her because a lot of my sadness was over how things had ended up (her refusing to talk to me). I knew from back in sept i had to keep it fun and light and not talk about anything, so i whatsapp'd her a couple of photos, first of me holding up a piece of paper saying 'i moustache you a question' (i have a moustache for movember like usual) and pulling a silly face then another with a silly sad face and a piece of paper saying 'can we be friends please?'. It worked at least, she sent me a smilie straight back which i took as a yes. It doesn't sound like a lot but when you haven't heard from someone you had daily contact with previously for 3 years for 2-3 months and thought that they now hated you i was pretty pleased and just sent my own smilie back and left it at that. Didnt ask how she was or readd her on facebook or anything like that, i just wanted things to be cool between us again and that's what I got. Overall im really glad that I did it, it has erased a lot of the negative thoughts i'd been struggling with about what her silence meant, did she hate me/ was she angry/ did she never want to talk to/ see me again? Also i dont need to worry about it being awkward if and when i bump into her when she moves back soon. On the negative the last couple of days i have been thinking about her more again, i think the barrier i'd erected about her being some inhuman bitch to protect myself has come down so i've been having thoughts about the relationship and regrets etc once more, but i think that was bound to happen and hopefully it isn't too much of a set back, still worth it though i think. From here i plan on just leaving things as they are, not going NC but not initiating unwarranted contact either. I think im at a place now where im still really sad, but more just because i dont have what i had before with anyone rather than her in particular i.e. i just want to be happy again now. I dont particularly like NC though i know it's a helpful concept and works so i'll be taking more of an approach of just treating her as i would a casual friend which is what we'll end up being eventually anyway. Well i guess this was more just an update and using this place to get my thoughts out on page. Comments etc are welcome
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Oh boy, here we go again. I only read the title, but I know the story, as it's been told many times... 2
Author aybc123 Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 Oh boy, here we go again. I only read the title, but I know the story, as it's been told many times... Well i guess it's true what they say about assumptions.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 If you want to reconcile, texting her like a casual friend when you haven't completely let go of the previous relationship (you haven't) is a bad idea. If you truly just want to be her friend it can work I guess, but I think you just have a contact high right now. If I were you I wouldn't initiate anything. 3
Author aybc123 Posted November 14, 2013 Author Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) If you want to reconcile, texting her like a casual friend when you haven't completely let go of the previous relationship (you haven't) is a bad idea. If you truly just want to be her friend it can work I guess, but I think you just have a contact high right now. If I were you I wouldn't initiate anything. Yeah i'm not going to initiate anything don't worry, im well aware that im not really over it enough to be casual friends (though im getting there) but essentially 'being enemies' for the last couple of months has been eating at me more than the actual breakup. However, casual friends _is_ where i want to end up eventually. Asking to be friends was really the only lighthearted way of doing it i could think of without bringing up anything from the past essentially it was more just an 'are we cool now?' and because evidently we are i think hopefully this will help me speed up the moving on process some more. Edited November 14, 2013 by aybc123
Simon Phoenix Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Yeah i'm not going to initiate anything don't worry, im well aware that im not really over it enough to be casual friends (though im getting there) but essentially 'being enemies' for the last couple of months has been eating at me more than the actual breakup. However, casual friends _is_ where i want to end up eventually. Asking to be friends was really the only lighthearted way of doing it i could think of without bringing up anything from the past essentially it was more just an 'are we cool now?' and because evidently we are i think hopefully this will help me speed up the moving on process some more. Well, now you know. Time to go back to NC and keep moving forward and let her make the next move.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Well i guess it's true what they say about assumptions. LOL!! I don't think there are any assumptions here... 1
forgetmenot75 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 what do you want? don't open the can of worms... 3
Confusedguy81 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 contact highs lead to lack of contact lows 2
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I've never seen this story on here before. This might be a first on this board. ..... *End scarcasm* As sure as the sun rises and sets, this won't bode well. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 NC is for yourself not to get someone back.
ks0985 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Hope the friendship works out, but good luck holding it together when you find out about the new guy thats banging her. 2
Author aybc123 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Not to mention the fact that he dumped her, and is now expecting her to be happy with the consolation prize. Like the friendship is sooooo awesome, they both can't live without it. It's a story written time and time again. As a dumper, if you're considerate and compassionate, you'd leave the dumpee alone. Uh, i didn't dump her. But ok. NC isn't a one rule fits all solution. Not everybody is the same. I feel a million times better now knowing that we're ok with each other, i don't particularly want further contact (no more than i did before). It's been nearly a week so i really doubt it's a 'dumpers high' or whatever other ridiculous terminology you guys can come up with to reduce peoples lives to a step by step foolproof playbook. It's weird how here any contact is seen as 'hahhahahah you talked to them you massive fool that's awful oh my god i cannot believe you' when the couple of friends and family thought it was fantastic for me. I mean part of that is that most of the people who have replied in this thread have clearly only actually read the title or skimmed the first sentence before weighing in which makes the attitude doubly frustrating. This forum is supposed to be about support yet time and time again i see certain posters taking any opportunity they can to try and bring people down when they don't share their opinion.
Author aybc123 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 NC is for yourself not to get someone back. I'm not doing NC because i think strict NC is just dumb and childish and I don't particularly want her back anymore than i'd like to meet someone completely new so i do not see your point at all. Hope the friendship works out, but good luck holding it together when you find out about the new guy thats banging her. She already is, it doesn't bother me, i have too since we've broken up, i hope she does find someone to be happy with, she's a good person. I dont want to be swapping ghost stories at night friends with her, that wouldn't be appropriate, i just wanted things to be ok between us, and they are.
Author aybc123 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) If you're an exception, good for you. But you're merely an exception that proves the rule. I dont think i'm an exception, contact has set me back a couple of weeks, no doubt. Contact is generally bad for moving on because it humanises the person we're trying to let go of, i couldn't agree more. But thinking someone i used to love and still cared about a lot hated me or never wanted to speak to me again was really doing a number on me, much more so than the breakup itself. That's why i feel like in this instance taking the hit of the setback was worth it because i got to erase all of the negative thoughts to do with being hated/ thought badly of etc by this person, essentially i feel like i got my closure that so many people are after and now i can move on properly. Edited November 15, 2013 by aybc123
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