rec88 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Hey all, I've seen a lot of threads from people asking "when is it ok to break NC?" and I have a few thoughts I'd like to share. First, for most of the people asking, the answer will be 'not now'. Probably not soon either. Sickness, death in the family, etc. Doesn't matter. I've been there. I remember the hope that exists in the early stages of a BU all too well and they simply can't offer you the support you need. Get that out of your head asap. Now for the meat of the discussion: for me personally, I will not be contacting my ex anytime in the foreseeable future, as I have no reason to believe she has changed for the better. However, I would not be opposed to her contacting me, IF she is willing to have an honest conversation. What's that? I've already gotten the email that said things like "I think about you all the time" and "I want you to know that you mean so much to me" and, most ironically, "I respect your wishes to cut contact." That's not honest conversation. This is the ex tossing breadcrumbs to gauge how I react and it's disrespectful and shows immaturity. Though I understand why she does it: it's a defense mechanism that minimizes risk of rejection. That's just where her head is at. The problem is it's not being honest with me, and more importantly she's not being honest with herself. Now here's the crux of the argument so hear me out. I have a lot of friends with whom I have major disagreements, but I respect them because they are completely honest when they speak with me. They aren't afraid of my disapproval, they're not looking for a circle jerk conversation, and they know I'll be honest in return so they're not afraid of offending me. Even though we can have some pretty heated discussion, the honesty and integrity these people demonstrate is refreshing and builds respect. My ex and I cannot communicate on this level anymore, and that's what drives my NC. I feel that when she can find the courage to speak what's on her mind without fear, then it will be an appropriate time to reopen communication. This is what I expect from both my friends and romantic partners. In my mind, this would be an example of us 'coming back as two different people'. I'm very aware that she would likely have things to say that would royally piss me off. If it's to the point where I can no longer accept her in my life, so be it. But at least in that case we would be able to part ways with at least some level of respect intact on both sides. I can respect a person who can own up to their mistakes, even when they caused me a great deal of pain. That's called being human, and that's the kind of closure I'm looking for. So that's what 'the right time' looks like to me. What about you?
Philosoraptor Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 The dumpee need only reinitiate contact once they have fully healed and want no more than a friendship with their ex. If once you've healed you don't want a friendship, then you needn't ever talk to the person again.
2fargone Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 On one hand I see no reason at all. There is one favor I would like to ask my ex and I can only ask her and no one else, but I'm not doing it. 1st opportunity I get (her asking or saying something) I might do so, but no sooner. And then it's still just about the favor. I never look back. I thought I would do it differently this time but I wish I hadn't. On the other hand, I contacted an ex of 5 years ago to verify if what current ex said about me could be true (I was in huge emotional turmoil). As it turns out I somehow reignited her feelings, or they just reignited.... Life can be confusing and surprising sometimes...
Coombseyboy Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I always thought it was never okay to break NC unless it's for a legitimate reason like an emergency, but I've got a question, I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago and have been NC for about 2 months and I'm feeling ALOT better, but here's the thing, she told me to get my stuff from her moments before I completely deleted her from my life (as much as possible anyway) but I still need to get that stuff, so do I break NC to tell her to drop it somewhere or il go get it from someone etc? I thought I would be able to but after dangling over a text screen for about 30 minutes I couldn't bring myself to text her, I still get that lump in the throat feeling when I see her face or her name and my heart races, but the problem is I NEED what she's got of mine, so what do I do?
TylerDurdenn Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Don't ever break NC Please don't Learn from my mistakes
Nubcake Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Don't ever break NC Please don't Learn from my mistakes Ya you do have a good example of why you shouldn't from previous posts with your situation. Im too weak and stupid though. Im going to check her facebook tonight (which will hurt me a lot) and if she isn't still in a relationship with her bf she immediately hooked up with (If she is I will be hurt even more), then im texting her tomorrow. What will this accomplish? Absolutely nothing, but make me feel worse is a safe bet. I know she wont respond if said condition was met. I just cant handle it anymore and feel like im going to go insane and I know im not getting over her anytime soon anyway so screw it. Atleast I'll learn the hard way or maybe itll help me seeing her with someone else loving someone else i dont know.
TylerDurdenn Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Ya you do have a good example of why you shouldn't from previous posts with your situation. Im too weak and stupid though. Im going to check her facebook tonight (which will hurt me a lot) and if she isn't still in a relationship with her bf she immediately hooked up with (If she is I will be hurt even more), then im texting her tomorrow. What will this accomplish? Absolutely nothing, but make me feel worse is a safe bet. I know she wont respond if said condition was met. I just cant handle it anymore and feel like im going to go insane and I know im not getting over her anytime soon so screw it. Atleast I'll learn the hard way, hopefully. We're in the same boat, apart from I broke NC, got ****ed around with and got left with the 'glad we can be friends' bomb. Do not do it seriously.
Nubcake Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 We're in the same boat, apart from I broke NC, got ****ed around with and got left with the 'glad we can be friends' bomb. Do not do it seriously. While im sure the experience was painful, it doesn't help knowing she wont ever take you back chopping away at hope which causes heartbreak to linger? If my ex is single and miraculously chooses to respond and we have a conversation thats positive, I'll be sure to let her know I can't be friends with her having a romantic interest in her. I probably wont text her anyway i dont know.
Author rec88 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Philosoraptor: Agreed! Ya Tyler you've definitely had a rough go. Sorry to hear that. My ex has respected my space for the most part so I've had comparatively smooth sailing. Goes to show that every situation is different. Nub. Lay off the hard stuff man! You got this! Coombsey: If you can't live without it, I mean really, then maybe consider asking a friend to handle the transaction for you. Just be sure you're not creating reasons to contact. 2 months was nowhere near enough time for me to be comfortable in that situation.
AnyaNova Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 In not responding to the email I sent him, my ex pretty much blew everything. Unless he has a really great reason for not answering it, like being kidnapped and trapped in a little tiny box, he can go entertain himself, if you know what I mean. He proved in not doing so, that he is not the person he made himself out to be while we were dating.
DarkestBeforeDawn Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) most ironically, "I respect your wishes to cut contact." Rec88, Have a question for you, funny that you bring up the response "I respect your wishes to cut contact." I sent her a message a couple days ago saying, "I know you want me as your friend, but I can't do that. I would appreciate it if you don't contact me again in any way. Not to talk, not to see what's up, not for anything. I'm happy to have known you. And thank you for everything. Take Care." (With some help from a fellow LS'er) She responded with, "Ok. If that's how you feel fine. I will respect your wishes. Makes me very sad." I said this because a month ago I told her that we couldn't talk anymore because she was currently seeing somebody and the feelings I have for her I can't just be her friend, so it'd be best if we go our own ways. After about a week or so she started to call me a couple times and send me some text's, and I broke the NC to tell her that message above. I feel ****ty about it, still think about her every day, but I feel it was the right move to do, and I've been told it was the right and mature thing to do. So, I wanted to ask you, being that you brought up that response and she said those exact words, what do you take of that? Edited November 15, 2013 by DarkestBeforeDawn 1
Nubcake Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) Wow FML FML FML...... Visit her facebook and my heart races 200 beats a minute seeing her pictures and a wave of emotions run through my heart of love for her then pain. I check her relationship status, yep still with him. Intense pain. I scroll through her posts and its lovie dovie stuff with him. Even more pain. Since she has been with him ~2 months I know they are intimate. Rock ****ing bottom. Now I go to my bed with a re-shattered heart that was broken so numb and devastated im shaking. This cant be real...... http://www.datfeel.com/drupal/sites/default/files/field/image/1349421692000.jpg Edited November 15, 2013 by Nubcake
Author rec88 Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 (edited) DBD, I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You gave a polite but no BS reminder of what you need. I did the same. Just remember that she didn't listen the first time, and she may not listen this time. If she slips up again, just let it go because more reminders won't do anything. My take on it, they are having trouble dealing with the unintended consequences of their decision, which means accepting your terms of the breakup (NC). They say "I respect your wishes to cut contact" but the very act of sending these texts, emails, etc. is disrespecting that. It takes some serious mental gymnastics to rationalize that. I've stopped trying to understand the thought process. Maybe just take it as a compliment. Edit: her whole response to me shows a lack of ability to see this from your point of view. Ending it with "makes me very sad." is just condescending. Probably another reason she sends you stuff after you ask her not to. It's a sign of emotional immaturity. Edited November 15, 2013 by rec88 1
DarkestBeforeDawn Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 DBD, I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You gave a polite but no BS reminder of what you need. I did the same. Just remember that she didn't listen the first time, and she may not listen this time. If she slips up again, just let it go because more reminders won't do anything. My take on it, they are having trouble dealing with the unintended consequences of their decision, which means accepting your terms of the breakup (NC). They say "I respect your wishes to cut contact" but the very act of sending these texts, emails, etc. is disrespecting that. It takes some serious mental gymnastics to rationalize that. I've stopped trying to understand the thought process. Maybe just take it as a compliment. Edit: her whole response to me shows a lack of ability to see this from your point of view. Ending it with "makes me very sad." is just condescending. Probably another reason she sends you stuff after you ask her not to. It's a sign of emotional immaturity. Rec88, Thanks for the response. I appreciate your insight, it is reassuring to hear I did/say the right thing. Yeah, not sure if it'll happen but if she tries to contact again, I think I have to stick to my guns and stay NC. I agree with your breakdown, it def. sounds accurate. I also agree, I think just gotta stop rationalizing everything because it'll just give you a headache and make you crazy. So, I will take it as a compliment, that sounds good. Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to take that makes me very sad statement. Kinda hurt a little bit when I first read it. Although it's tough for them to just say ok, I've made up my mind, i want to be with you. I firmly believe though that if they REALLY wanted to be with you or at least ATTEMPT to show you they want to be with you, they would send messages, call/text, try and facetime, just do anything that would show they care about you. It all that stuff doesn't happen, I feel like just other words are all nothing but "breadcrumbs" for lack of a better word. Actions speak louder than words in my eyes.
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