Spira Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 When do you know it is time to break up & move on? When do you know a relationship is no longer going to work? This is not so much a question about what action your partner would have to do to have you immediately terminate the relationship... It's more like, when you're hanging on and trying to make things work, when do you know it's time to let go?
savethedrama4allama Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 I think if you're asking this question, its time.
Author Spira Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Heh, probably true. And this might apply to my relationship / situation. But I wasn't really asking for advice for myself, I just wanted to see what everyone thought about the whole thing.
iceisles Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama I think if you're asking this question, its time. I have to disagree with this. I think if you can take a step back, put EVERYTHING into perspective, and realize that you have done all you could, then it's time to throw in the towel and move on. In the case with my ex, that will include letting her know much I care, giving her space via NC for periods at a time, and respecting her wishes - whatever they may be. I think you are more likely just to wake up one day feeling like it's time to move on, rather than meeting any kind of criteria, though. Just my two cents.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 The way I see it, when you find yourself spending all your time focused on 'fixing it' instead of 'living it' - then there really is no point in keeping it going - its pretty much over.
iceisles Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia The way I see it, when you find yourself spending all your time focused on 'fixing it' instead of 'living it' - then there really is no point in keeping it going - its pretty much over. Even if you feel that the relationship has potential and can be fixed? Just like a car, sometimes things break down, but it doesn't always mean you give up and say it's not worth the repair job.
savethedrama4allama Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 I have just found that when you've reached that point, the relationship is never the same again. Congrats if you've done it, though.
iceisles Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Yeah, and I'm probably fooling myself that I will be able to restore mine. It's just that I connect with so few people that I feel the need to fight to save whatever relationship with them I have left.
LiveLoveLaugh Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 For me, when the bad out weighs the good, you feel sad or lonely more often than not, and have tried but it seems to fall back into the same pattern, time to call it quits. Or, when you watch them sleep, and instead of getting that warm feeling of wanting to cuddle up against them and just hold on, you want to take a pillow and hold it over their face, pretty good indicator
blind_otter Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by LiveLoveLaugh Or, when you watch them sleep, and instead of getting that warm feeling of wanting to cuddle up against them and just hold on, you want to take a pillow and hold it over their face, pretty good indicator Is it bad that I've periodically felt like this throughout every relationship I've ever had? Which explains why I'm not in them anymore, but I would go through phases and then go back to this joyous sexually-charged honeymoon period, even with the ones who weren't abusive. Every now and then I would just think to myself "when I look into your eyes, I feel nauseous". If you can't separate at the stage where you just don't like your lover as a person, though, then I suppose (at least from my experience) - you end up having one of those spectacularly-awful-breakups.
Naive Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by Spira When do you know it is time to break up & move on? When do you know a relationship is no longer going to work? This is not so much a question about what action your partner would have to do to have you immediately terminate the relationship... It's more like, when you're hanging on and trying to make things work, when do you know it's time to let go? When 90% of the time you are not happy in the relationship and 10% you are.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 when the bad out weighs the good Yup, that is my motto too. Also, if you feel unhappy most of the time around that other person, don't enjoy spending time together, and the sex is bland no heart in it then I think it is time to walk away...Not all relationships end badly, some just end sadly.
iceisles Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 I was having more and more problems getting "in the mood" for my girlfriend, which I never thought would be a problem being a guy. She kept asking me what was wrong and I wasn't sure. She was definitely hot, but could our declining relationship have really been enough to alter my desire for her?
LiveLoveLaugh Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Absolutley. I believe there is either the passion of a new relationship, or the love and comfort of a steady secure relationship that creates desire for the other person, if you have neither, then there is no desire. JMO
VirginiaBob Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 If you are type to bail and not work things out, that's too bad. Enjoy your many divorces.
blind_otter Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by VirginiaBob If you are type to bail and not work things out, that's too bad. Enjoy your many divorces. So, according to you, we shoul marry the first person we ever date. Woah. That's a lot of committment at 12.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles Even if you feel that the relationship has potential and can be fixed? Just like a car, sometimes things break down, but it doesn't always mean you give up and say it's not worth the repair job. I'm talking about the kind with no real potential - where one partner has absolutely no interest in staying. If someone is ready to leave a relationship, and the only thing keeping them in the relationship is guilt and obligation - then there is nothing to work out. Its over, and is only surviving on the artificial life support of false hope of the partner who doesn't want to let go. What is better to do? Cheat your mate out of the loving relationships they can have with other people, by allowing them to cling to you knowing that you will never be able to give them what they need out of the relationship? Or end the relationship so that you can both go and search out the relationships that will allow fulfillment and happiness for both partners? I do not believe in keeping relationships going if there is nothing keeping the relationship together but therapy and intervention initiated by the person who won't let go. I would not want to be in a relationship knowing that the only reason someone is staying with me is because they needed thousands of dollars worth of therapy to make themselves love me and want to stay with me. I wouldn't force that on anyone who wanted to leave, nor would I allow someone to force me into therapy or counseling when I knew without a doubt that I wanted out of the relationship. If there was a potential to keep it going, and both partners realize that there is a potential then that is a different story. To put it in car terminology: There's a difference between routine maintenance and repair and trying to patch up a totaled vehicle with too many missing parts.
theone44 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by Spira When do you know it is time to break up & move on? When do you know a relationship is no longer going to work? This is not so much a question about what action your partner would have to do to have you immediately terminate the relationship... It's more like, when you're hanging on and trying to make things work, when do you know it's time to let go? I figure that people should not break-up unless it is physical,verablly,mentally or if that lying and cheating. other than that . the person who is doing the breaking up, is the one with the issues. these are the people,who don't want to work things out,but float from one relationship to another.
iceisles Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 I think part of the problem is that some breakups happen so suddenly, we just assume that it can be easily repaired. I really don't believe breakups happen instanty. They might feel that way, but they are usually the cumulative buildup of a large number of issues. Mine hit me like a freight train, but in hingsight (always 20/20), I probably should have seen it coming long ago.
tattoomytoe Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 well i need to know too. i have been w. my bf 2 yrs in jan. he cheated in july, i moved out in oct. we are still together, though i said we should see other people when i was moving out, but he did noty want to. i do love him, as we have been together 2 yrs...but i am not in love with him anymore. we do have fun together when we go out. but i do not enjoy hanging out with just him really. cause we always do what he wants, watching t.v or movies, listening to music, heck even making dinner. it is his relationship, and i a feel like i am just a convinience....but at the same time, that is how i see him too. it is a mess...... and i do not have enough gumption to send him off for good.
theone44 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe well i need to know too. i have been w. my bf 2 yrs in jan. he cheated in july, i moved out in oct. we are still together, though i said we should see other people when i was moving out, but he did noty want to. i do love him, as we have been together 2 yrs...but i am not in love with him anymore. we do have fun together when we go out. but i do not enjoy hanging out with just him really. cause we always do what he wants, watching t.v or movies, listening to music, heck even making dinner. it is his relationship, and i a feel like i am just a convinience....but at the same time, that is how i see him too. it is a mess...... and i do not have enough gumption to send him off for good. well did u set down and talk with him about it. communication is the key to any successful relationship.
theone44 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles I think part of the problem is that some breakups happen so suddenly, we just assume that it can be easily repaired. I really don't believe breakups happen instanty. They might feel that way, but they are usually the cumulative buildup of a large number of issues. Mine hit me like a freight train, but in hingsight (always 20/20), I probably should have seen it coming long ago. most break-up happen,because they figure they found someone better,and when that get bore then they will go an find another. i see here is a bunch of unstable men and women,who like breaking-up with-out trying solve the issues.
tattoomytoe Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 no...he knows how to turn all my arguments around to reflect bad on me....or somehow he justifies everything so logically, or enoughthat it blows whatever steam i had going into it...and i flounder.
theone44 Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe no...he knows how to turn all my arguments around to reflect bad on me....or somehow he justifies everything so logically, or enoughthat it blows whatever steam i had going into it...and i flounder. just back off from him doing the no contact fully,but don't tell him
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Originally posted by theone44 most break-up happen,because they figure they found someone better,and when that get bore then they will go an find another. i see here is a bunch of unstable men and women,who like breaking-up with-out trying solve the issues. ... and some happen because no matter how hard you try, after a while you realize that you just don't love the other person the same way and are not compatible with them. There are no issues to solve in a case like that. If you don't love someone, you don't and you shouldn't be with them. Nor should you allow yourself to be guilted or obligated into staying with someone you don't love or care to be with. Its unfair for both partners.
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