Jealousy

[longjourney]

I have been reading here every day. I find myself admiring all the strong BW's on here who sprang to action and are getting their lives in order. I find myself wishing I was strong enough to follow their examples, but yet here I sit. I sit still in a M that I wish I could end, even though I love my WH very much (which is a whole other issue, why do I still love a man who could betray me for years?)

 

I am starting to see that I am jealous of the BW's who did/are leave/leaving their WH's. I see the BW's who are still in their M, in R and write with such admiration to the BW's who do leave. It sounds as if the BW's who are in their M are envious and are living vicariously through the ones who were actually strong enough to go through with it and leave. So here I sit in the same boat as you, on the River of Envy.

 

I wonder if any of the strong BW's on here through their posting actually caused/inspired the envious readers into taking action and truly following down the same path. I am sitting here hoping it rubs off on me because I KNOW I will NEVER love my WH the same as before, and that is sad but truthful.

[Clay]

You will come to a point in time when you have had enough. That is when your strength will kick in and you will be able to be strong like the women you are reading about.

 

I think things I asked myself why my xW cheated on me was do I really deserve this. What did I do so wrong that pushed her to do this over and over again to me. These are the questions I think everyone finds.

 

The truth is you did nothing to deserve that. If they were descent people then they would have left first. They are not descent people and never will be.

 

You deserve better. There is much better men out there.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[Sub]

Why are you still trying to make it work? Loving your WH isn't really enough, in my opinion.

[underwater2010]

I am a BW that has stayed. I am not jealous nor envious of those that have left. I am proud that they have taken the step that is right for them. And that they are finding peace in their choice.

 

Yes my marriage is different....but I don't want to leave. I have 3 kids to worry about and I still believe that stay is better for them.

[janedoe67]

I think it depends on the situation. For some people, leaving a marriage after infidelity is absolutely the right choice and the strong choice. But who is to say that redemption, forgiveness, and reconciliation with a WS who will do the work is any less strong or brave? Never judge your own story by someone else's. And the reverse of that statement is pretty good advice too.

[yellowmaverick]

I have been reading here every day. I find myself admiring all the strong BW's on here who sprang to action and are getting their lives in order. I find myself wishing I was strong enough to follow their examples, but yet here I sit. I sit still in a M that I wish I could end, even though I love my WH very much (which is a whole other issue, why do I still love a man who could betray me for years?)

 

I am starting to see that I am jealous of the BW's who did/are leave/leaving their WH's. I see the BW's who are still in their M, in R and write with such admiration to the BW's who do leave. It sounds as if the BW's who are in their M are envious and are living vicariously through the ones who were actually strong enough to go through with it and leave. So here I sit in the same boat as you, on the River of Envy.

 

I wonder if any of the strong BW's on here through their posting actually caused/inspired the envious readers into taking action and truly following down the same path. I am sitting here hoping it rubs off on me because I KNOW I will NEVER love my WH the same as before, and that is sad but truthful.

 

I am one of those BSs who has chosen not to reconcile, and I assure you that there is nothing to be jealous about my situation. I actually envy those couples who can reconcile successfully. I loved my H and I wished to God that he was man enough to do the work to reconcile....but he wasn't/isn't. Although he broke off the affair and is remorseful, he wants to pretend the affair never happended. He thinks that he is just entitled to a "do-over". Because he will not do the work, we cannot heal together as a couple.

 

My family was absolutely EVERYTHING to me. I have always worked full-time, but I put advancements on hold to raise my children. For 20 years, I thought that my H was on the same page. His betrayal cut me deeply and even more than two years later, I am still heartbroken.

 

BSs who reconcile are not weak. On the contrary...they have to live every single day with thoughts of the betrayal and with the knowledge that they may never love their WS the same. You have to be a very strong, loving, and forgiving person to do this, but you also have to have a spouse who does his share of the work. Because my H will not do the work, I believe that he will be susceptible to an affair again. I cannot spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. I refuse to live like that.

 

My H broke my heart and broke the hearts of our children. He destroyed our family unit. None of us will ever be the same. Do not be jealous of that.

[Snowflower]

I have been reading here every day. I find myself admiring all the strong BW's on here who sprang to action and are getting their lives in order. I find myself wishing I was strong enough to follow their examples, but yet here I sit. I sit still in a M that I wish I could end, even though I love my WH very much (which is a whole other issue, why do I still love a man who could betray me for years?)

 

Welcome, longjourney! You know, this is the hardest thing to deal with after an affair...you still love the person who hurt you so badly. Remember, our feelings don't have an on/off switch. We don't just stop loving somebody when they have done us wrong.

I am starting to see that I am jealous of the BW's who did/are leave/leaving their WH's. I see the BW's who are still in their M, in R and write with such admiration to the BW's who do leave. It sounds as if the BW's who are in their M are envious and are living vicariously through the ones who were actually strong enough to go through with it and leave. So here I sit in the same boat as you, on the River of Envy.

 

Careful here. What BWs here post is only part of their individual stories. Everyone's marriage is different so be careful about comparing your situation to others you read here.

 

TBH, the idea that BW who have remained in the marriage are somehow jealous of those who divorced is a bit insulting. It is not hard to get a divorce and is someone wants one, they will get it. After all, if the cheating husband decided to get the divorce, the BW would have absolutely no choice in the matter, she would be getting divorced.

 

We all have choices.

I wonder if any of the strong BW's on here through their posting actually caused/inspired the envious readers into taking action and truly following down the same path. I am sitting here hoping it rubs off on me because I KNOW I will NEVER love my WH the same as before, and that is sad but truthful.

 

So, BW who stay in their marriage are not strong?

 

Reading here can be really helpful and therapeutic. However, I would caution anyone to not make such a big decision such as divorce based on what they read on an internet forum.

 

I wish you luck on your journey through the horrible fallout after your H has betrayed you and hope that you can arrive at a decision that works for YOU.

[Spark1111]

I applaud ANYONE who knows their heart and has the courage to either divorce or reconcile.

 

I also tell other IF you don't know your own heart, take all the time you need to decide or NOT to decide.

 

IF it is not the relationship that heals, loves, cherishes you and fosters growth, for GOD's sake, do not have it!

 

It's your life...don't let it pass you by while you wait for someone else to step UP or AWAY from the plate.

 

What is your story? Does your spouse know how you FEEL?

[Spark1111]

I have been reading here every day. I find myself admiring all the strong BW's on here who sprang to action and are getting their lives in order. I find myself wishing I was strong enough to follow their examples, but yet here I sit. I sit still in a M that I wish I could end, even though I love my WH very much (which is a whole other issue, why do I still love a man who could betray me for years?)

 

I am starting to see that I am jealous of the BW's who did/are leave/leaving their WH's. I see the BW's who are still in their M, in R and write with such admiration to the BW's who do leave. It sounds as if the BW's who are in their M are envious and are living vicariously through the ones who were actually strong enough to go through with it and leave. So here I sit in the same boat as you, on the River of Envy.

 

I wonder if any of the strong BW's on here through their posting actually caused/inspired the envious readers into taking action and truly following down the same path. I am sitting here hoping it rubs off on me because I KNOW I will NEVER love my WH the same as before, and that is sad but truthful.

 

The very fact that you are admiring those who left over those who stayed, and are projecting admiration for that choice, tells me you know exactly how you feel.

 

SO, why are you still there?

[harrybrown]

So you found out or caught him. Did he confess?

 

Is he sorry for getting caught or sorry that he broke your heart, ripped it out of your chest and threw it in the fire?

 

Has he stopped all contact and become transparent for you?

 

Was this an emotional affair or a PA? How long?

 

If he does not have remorse for doing what he did, and is not trying to repair the marriage, or going to counseling with you, then you should file for divorce.

 

If he is trying, and has changed, then I would ask if you feel you can still try in this marriage or if you are finished?

 

Do something for yourself this week. Just for you. I do hope that you will find peace in the future.

[Journee]

I don't think that it is unreasonable to kind of bounce between one extreme to the next after DDay. You love your WS then you darn near hate them. It's a very confusing time. I think the problem with reading on any of these boards is that there is a hierarchy of opinion. You are a loser if you take back a cheating person or a loser if you are the WS or AP. Then once you get out of the land of sweeping generalization's you get into the depths of betrayal forrest. Some BS can forgive a. or b. but could not imagine forgiving c. It's all betrayal, it's all cheating. It's all nasty stuff. Not anything to be proud of. You are not less than if you decide to forgive something that another poster would or could not.

 

It all boils down to what is best for you. Only you can decide what it is that you can move through. It's a very scary place to be. I'm sorry that toy are here and hurting.

 

I don't believe the reconciling BS are jealous. I just think they know these situations are all so individual. What is good for them may not be good for others. They could leave their WS and move onto other relationships even marriages but they choose their WS for their own reasons.

 

Is your WS remorseful? Is he in complete NC with the OW?

[whatatangledweb]

I stayed in my marriage and I couldn't be happier. He was very remorseful and has done everything and anything he could to help me heal. It has been a very hard road but we were worth it. I stayed because it was what I wanted and not for any other reason.

 

The wives who stay are not envious of the ones that leave. We celebrate the BS doing what is best for them. What will make them happiest in the long run whether they stay or they divorce. We want them back in control of their lives whatever their choice may be.

[yellowmaverick]

I stayed in my marriage and I couldn't be happier. He was very remorseful and has done everything and anything he could to help me heal. It has been a very hard road but we were worth it. I stayed because it was what I wanted and not for any other reason.

 

 

 

Love this!! I am happy for both of you.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm with YellowMaverick.

 

I'm jealous of those who kept their families, but I know in my situation it wasn't going to work.

 

I was one of those who did try like hell to reconcile. Maybe divorcing right away would have been more effective, but I had to try everything else first being a n00b...sigh. This isn't something you should have to have experience with

 

Know that divorce is it's own hell, and I still struggle with guilt. See my thread from the other day:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/439227-i-trigger-hard-stories-about-forgiveness

 

I advocate divorce in many case, but in many other cases I advocate staying together if possible. I think it just depends, depends on the WS's actions, if you have kids or not, if you can forgive, etc.

[Sub]

I'm happy I reconciled with my WS. It's what I wanted. Things have been great. I'm in love with her, and I feel her love every day. I do wonder, though, if it would have happened if we didn't have a 5-year old son.

[dichotomy]

I am a BW that has stayed. I am not jealous nor envious of those that have left. I am proud that they have taken the step that is right for them. And that they are finding peace in their choice.

 

Yes my marriage is different....but I don't want to leave. I have 3 kids to worry about and I still believe that stay is better for them.

 

Yes - and yes. But let me expand upon the kids bit. It is better for the kids for me to stay - but conversely (mirror) it is better for me for the kids to stay. Does this make sense? I don't want to be a partime parent - I love, love, love being a dad FULL time, full access, full authority dad. It is about me too in lots of ways - selfish ways - but so be it.

 

Wether to work on reconilation or divorce - I am happy and supportive of anyone who "does the math" and figures out which is best (or maybe least worst) of their choices.

 

Beleive me I am very good at imagining the two diffierent life choices after an affair - and I choose the one that was best for me. Okay maybe sometimes I choose the one that was least worst.... but you get the point. Everyone has different needs, wants, and choices to make.

 

And just in case you think my wife is not part of this "math" - I do love her, and by this I mean helping her grow and improve and be healty - and have her back. Thats what a loving partner does - lift the other up. I only wish for the same from her.

 

I don't blame anyone for making the choices if they are right for them. I do feel sorry for people who either stay or leave who honestly believe there would be more happiness if they made another choice.

Edited November 14, 2013 by dichotomy

[eleanorrigby]

We reconciled and I'm happy about it, but I can understand the jealousy I think.

 

I'm jealous of any BS that told their spouse after D-day to move out or go to the AP and meant it. I didn't do that, I was too scared, too attached, too needy I guess.

I'd like so much to look back and have memories of myself reaction to the betrayal with strength and confidence. But all my memories are of me crying till my eyes were swollen shut, drinking wine and trying to fix all the problems I felt that I had created.

 

(hugs)

[underwater2010]

Yes - and yes. But let me expand upon the kids bit. It is better for the kids for me to stay - but conversely (mirror) it is better for me for the kids to stay. Does this make sense? I don't want to be a partime parent - I love, love, love being a dad FULL time, full access, full authority dad. It is about me too in lots of ways - selfish ways - but so be it.

 

Wether to work on reconilation or divorce - I am happy and supportive of anyone who "does the math" and figures out which is best (or maybe least worst) of their choices.

 

Beleive me I am very good at imagining the two diffierent life choices after an affair - and I choose the one that was best for me. Okay maybe sometimes I choose the one that was least worst.... but you get the point. Everyone has different needs, wants, and choices to make.

 

And just in case you think my wife is not part of this "math" - I do love her, and by this I mean helping her grow and improve and be healty - and have her back. Thats what a loving partner does - lift the other up. I only wish for the same from her.

 

I don't blame anyone for making the choices if they are right for them. I do feel sorry for people who either stay or leave who honestly believe there would be more happiness if they made another choice.

Finely another person that gets my choice!!!!

 

I left a great paying job to move cross country for my husband....who I do love and pray that he takes his second chance to heart. I have none of my immediate family within an 8 hr driving radius. We have 3 kids that I love more than anything in this world. He is a great father and very involved with their lives.

 

How could I support them without moving away? And I couldn't imagine being a part time parent. Nor could I imagine forcing that upon him or them.

 

All that being said...I am working towards being able to do it on my own if I have to. You know incase he does it again. But for now I am safe, loved and can hugs and kiss my kids goodnight....EVERY night.

[jnel921]

I have been reading here every day. I find myself admiring all the strong BW's on here who sprang to action and are getting their lives in order. I find myself wishing I was strong enough to follow their examples, but yet here I sit. I sit still in a M that I wish I could end, even though I love my WH very much (which is a whole other issue, why do I still love a man who could betray me for years?)

 

I am starting to see that I am jealous of the BW's who did/are leave/leaving their WH's. I see the BW's who are still in their M, in R and write with such admiration to the BW's who do leave. It sounds as if the BW's who are in their M are envious and are living vicariously through the ones who were actually strong enough to go through with it and leave. So here I sit in the same boat as you, on the River of Envy.

 

I wonder if any of the strong BW's on here through their posting actually caused/inspired the envious readers into taking action and truly following down the same path. I am sitting here hoping it rubs off on me because I KNOW I will NEVER love my WH the same as before, and that is sad but truthful.

,

 

LJ,

 

First of all we all must experience those things that make us stronger. The key is the response and the actions you take thereafter.

 

If your WH hurt you, how did you deal with him or the situation? turning a blind eye and living off of the love you say you had in earlier years will not help or heal what happened. Your WH needs to be remorseful and show you this. If he doesn't then that is a big clue to leave.

 

If you can't start preparing yourself to. Even if this means finding a job, going back to school, moving in with family, but you have to do something.

 

I am R with my WH. If I was at home thinking like you, I'd be packed up at the end of the day with my kids in my own space.

 

R takes work, and forgiveness. Getting cheated on sucks and of course you never forget. But I think as time goes by it hurts less. You start to build new memories and accomplish new goals. You are living the life you are meant to live with your spouse and hopefully it is an improved one.

 

Instead of being jealous, do the work!

 

It's like people who complain that they never win the lottery yet they have yet to buy a ticket!

[longjourney]

My pops never cheated on my mom, but she was unhappy in their marriage. When I was about 8 years old, I watched my mother make office space out of our kitchen where she started an at home temp agency for nurses. She took the money she made from her business & eventually divorced my father. I watched my sweet little momma, 5 foot 1 inches tall, fight for her happiness & fight for herself. That was the biggest lesson she ever taught me. What are you teaching your children? Or better yet, when are you going to wake up & fight for yourself? There is a beautiful new life waiting for you on the other side.

 

This is first of all my NEWEST thought in my journey. I have been thinking am I being selfish or not for wanting to stay with my child as a FULL time parent. Would my children be stronger adults by showing them me fighting for my own happiness and showing them my strength (if I could actually find it). Would that be a better value to instill in them? That is the question,

 

Also I did not mean to offend anyone when saying "ALL BW who stay and R are jealous". I am sorry if it sounded that way. I was referring to the posts I HAVE read on these boards by BW who post that they "commend" such and such for standing up to their WH, who post that they "look up to and respect" the BW for telling their WH "how it is" and speaking their minds. I am referring to the BW who post that they "wish they had this particular BWs strength and courage" and post that sadly and regrettably they did not. That is what I was referring to. I am all for TRUE R with a WH that is remorseful, but I am finding that it is a thin line between true remorse and wishing he hadn't been caught. Gosh the facts on every A are different. For me I am having a hard time because of my WH's LTA. He was in love with her. It is as if he compartmentalized that away in his brain due to the ugly light that was shone on his A. But I am not a fool, that DOESN'T mean that it has gone away. The fact that he would now be "the bad guy" with our friends and our family. I know my WH, he hates the thought of being "that guy", but is it enough to make him stay in our M? The first REAL truth I have come to learn about all of this is that my WH WOULD NOT be here if we did not have children. Yes he may "love me", whatever that means, but I know if that love were "the real deal" he wouldn't have found love with the OW. There was/is obviously a piece missing for him in our M puzzle. This is what I am sitting with at the moment. I suppose if I can work myself to acceptance of that fact, then I can work myself into staying in this M.

[Snowflower]

This is first of all my NEWEST thought in my journey. I have been thinking am I being selfish or not for wanting to stay with my child as a FULL time parent. Would my children be stronger adults by showing them me fighting for my own happiness and showing them my strength (if I could actually find it). Would that be a better value to instill in them? That is the question,

 

In all honesty, we don't know how our children will turn out as adults. We do our best as parents and try to instill them with the right values and tools to be successful as adults and then they go out in the world and make their own way.

 

We really don't know the impact of the examples we set as their parents. That won't be apparent for years. And remember, our children are their own individuals. They will make their own choices regardless of what we teach them when they were younger.

 

Also I did not mean to offend anyone when saying "ALL BW who stay and R are jealous". I am sorry if it sounded that way. I was referring to the posts I HAVE read on these boards by BW who post that they "commend" such and such for standing up to their WH, who post that they "look up to and respect" the BW for telling their WH "how it is" and speaking their minds.

 

Apology accepted.

 

I think any time a BW draws the line in the sand for her cheating-azz husband and stands by it is commendable. It can also be, as you mention, when she draws that line in the sand for herself...and what she will and won't put up with.

 

I don't know your particular situation (and you don't have to disclose anything if you don't want to), but based solely on what you post here, would it be possible to separate from your H for awhile before making any big decisions? You seem to really have some doubts, which is perfectly okay. I'm not sure how long you've been dealing with all this.

 

I once read advice that you should try to wait at least a year before making any major decisions regarding your future, if possible. Believe it or not, your perspective will change-probably many times-within that year and you may have a better idea of what is right for you after some time has passed and your emotional storm has calmed down.

 

And, don't just sit there during that year waiting it out. Do some active stuff to learn and grow from this. Do counseling, both individual and marriage, concentrate on your career, investigate the nitty-gritty of divorce in your state, live on your own if you think that is best for you, etc.

 

Keep posting and venting here too, if that helps! (((hugs)))

[Sub]

know my WH, he hates the thought of being "that guy", but is it enough to make him stay in our M? The first REAL truth I have come to learn about all of this is that my WH WOULD NOT be here if we did not have children. Yes he may "love me", whatever that means, but I know if that love were "the real deal" he wouldn't have found love with the OW. There was/is obviously a piece missing for him in our M puzzle. This is what I am sitting with at the moment. I suppose if I can work myself to acceptance of that fact, then I can work myself into staying in this M.

 

I don't think you have to accept that as the only reason he's there, though. I was in the same boat. My WW was honest with me. She loved me, as someone she had spent the previous 17 years with since college, but a huge part of why she was going to R was because of our son. A tough pill to swallow, because I wanted to know she WANTED to be with me. She told me straight out that she drifted away from me emotionally, kind of a "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" message. But, she said she was committed to finding her way back. Do you feel like he's committed to finding his way back to you, as more than just the mother of his children?

[longjourney]

Do you feel like he's committed to finding his way back to you, as more than just the mother of his children?

 

Do I "feel" like he is? Yes, but only to an extent. If she wouldn't have walked away from him I STILL believe he would be sitting here torn. Torn between being with her the woman he has loved for years or to stay and "try" and find his way back to me, which would mean an open door to his children. He is VERY dedicated to his children. THEY are his FIRST love, so yes, I am the avenue and the easier route to them, especially now in the dirty light shone on his A. Yes he will do the work to try, but if it were real love to begin with, he wouldn't have ever been with the OW to begin with. In my case the OW was there first and I was second prize. Do I believe at some point my WH did fall in love with me when we were dating? Yes of course, but I don't believe in his heart I EVER held a candle to her. As I have read before...if you have to work at feeling love, it isn't real to begin with.

 

Am I more then just the mother of his children? Yes as well, but the problem is that the OW meant or most likely means more to WH then I do. I just don't believe that after a LTA and the years of history that OW and my WH had that it just disappears. My WH has a good heart, he means well and yes I believe he will do the right thing for his family and stay, but I also feel as if that flame for the OW will always be with him. He will compartmentalize it away, but in his quiet thoughts alone, I am sure he will be missing and wanting to be with her.