Sweetz Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Well I was doing really good up to today. Over a month ago, I confessed to my H that I cheated on him and I started that day to re-invest into my marriage 110% to make sure it was going to work. I cut off all ties to the OM and had moved on. At least I thought I had. Today I got an email saying Merry Christmas from him, to which I replied. I know I should have deleted it and not replied, but I got weak, did the wrong thing, and just wrote back 3 sentences back to him. He replied to my reply naturally. Why am I going down this path again? I felt like I had it all going on strong, and now I feel weakened. I just need some words of advice and support if anyone has any to share. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone here at LS.
Sukotto Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 If you can block his email then do so. You should be telling your husband when he contacts you regardless of the meduim used be it email, phone, letter or carrier pigeon. Its up to you if you tell your husband that he emailed and you replied. Owl will probably have some better advice on what to do. Its natural to want to talk to someone that was part of your life, dont feel weak.
Author Sweetz Posted December 21, 2004 Author Posted December 21, 2004 You are so right. I need to block his email. I will do that right now. A part of me doesn't want to do it but honestly I have to. Otherwise I will always be in a pinch. Thank you.
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 JUST FOR THE RECORD I WANTED TO LET EVERYONE HERE KNOW THAT I AM AN IDIOT!
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!!! You made a small mistake, replied back without thinking. End of story. Please don't beat up on yourself over this. Forget and move on. Don't let this ruin your success and good feeling of how well you've done...Okay?? Take it easy on yourself.
Sukotto Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 The curiosity factor is what stops you from doing it. I still have my ex's phone numbers in my phone, I dont want to delete it because it makes it seem more final that its over. I will get around to doing it eventually but I guess i'm an idiot too! Don't beat yourself up about this, everyone has a moment of weakness. Now how many strong moments have you had, surely this will out weight this tiny little slip.
StillHurtin Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 You're not an idiot, you just made a mistake. I agree, I think you should block his email. You also need to delete his email from your address book if you haven't done so already. If you want this marriage to work you need to have NC w/ this guy. I know it's hard but if you love your H and want your marriage to work you will have to do this. GL!
Naive Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 You have gotten through much more than other people on here. You should be proud of yourself. No one is perfect and we ALL commit mistakes, what you do from now on is what counts.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Tell your husband about the email and what it said. Tell him what your response said. Tell him that you made a mistake. Then, ask him to block OM's email for you. Finally, I think now would be the perfect time for your husband to send a message to OM, telling him to stay away from you. That will communicate to OM that you're telling your husband everything that goes on, and that you and your husband are once again a team.
OnTheTruePath Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 You are definetly NOT an idiot. Idiocy can be directly grouped with stupidity which can be replaced with ignorance. So to say that you are an idiot is to somehow imply that you were unaware--or ignorant--of what you were doing. No, when you typed those three sentences, you were perfectly cognizant of your actions. Even after all the heartache and turmoil that you've subjected yourself--as well as your marriage--to, you still managed to retreat to the source of those problems. You've invested so much time and effort (a whopping 110%!) into your husband and your marriage; may I ask why? I realize that you are a wayward spouse and, thus, compelled to make up from your past wrongdoings, but why invest so much of yourself only to flush that energy down the drain? Instead, why didn't you give your husband the chance to find someone that hasn't and, hopefully, will not hurt him in the way that you did? It astounds me how you can pledge to remain faithful to this man only to make contact with your "partner in crime." Does your husband know yet? I'd be interested to hear about his reaction to you breaking the NC agreement; especially considering these circumstances (impending holiday, a small kernal of trust in you). In theory, it should all come crashing down around you once the cat is out of the bag. But, I don't know what kind of man your husband is. Perhaps he'l accept it and let it fester inside until he can't look at you without losing his lunch. Maybe it'll be an immediate reaction in which he'll throw you out of his life for good. Either way, I tip my hat to you as commiting one of the worse mistakes of the year ^_^!
Bryanp Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Hello, Here is a thought for everytime you feel weak. Please ask yourself the following question: How would I feel if my husband was doing to me what I am doing to him. Also imagine your husband saying he has had enough and divorces you. Imagine in the near future he marries someone else and seems happy. Do you want this as your future. It can be. The choice is yours.
Cecelius Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 I know there are a lot of posts on this particular story, but I'd just keep saying over and over that the BEST way to guarantee that you will never be loved or trusted by anyone (husband or otherwise) is to keep communicating with this guy. When the teacher said that the cheater really only cheats himself, the teacher was only half right of course, but was VERY right on that half. I wouldn't bother feeling guilty about it since guilt is really just a way of getting past what one has done. Just don't do it again. Also, can we give a hearty round of applause for the husband? Holy -- . This guy has stones to put up with this nonsense.
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 Tell your husband about the email and what it said. Tell him what your response said. Tell him that you made a mistake. Then, ask him to block OM's email for you. Finally, I think now would be the perfect time for your husband to send a message to OM, telling him to stay away from you. That will communicate to OM that you're telling your husband everything that goes on, and that you and your husband are once again a team. Sweetz... ResDog has the best advice here.................STAY STRONG....SWIM AWAY, SWIM AWAY As for the OM......Sweetz....he's fishing.....thats all it is.....he will drop a line here and there....to see if you'll bite....and looky there...you just did. I garrantee you....when he got your reply, a snicker came upon his face...saying...."HA...I got her". And since you replyed.....I'm telling ya...he will try again. IMO...this guy is slime.......TRUST me....in 6 months you will be replaced with another OW....I feel sorry for his wife....didnt you say she was pregnant?. If ya dont mind me asking....what was your reply to his email?
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Thanks everybody. I feel so lost sometimes and can't believe I put my H through this. And I can't believe he puts up with me sometimes. I told him about the email and what it said which was Merry Christmas. He asked me what I did and I told him that I replied back saying, "Thanks. Hope all is well. Take care". My H got a little quiet after that, and then changed the subject to something that we are suppose to be doing today. I told him I screwed up and I was sorry but he didn't need to worry about me reconnecting with the OM based on one email. He said he believed me, but was shocked as to why the OM is even emailing me anymore. It seems that my H is just as mad at me as he is the OM because this guy was a good friend of his and knows us and our relationship and is taking advantage of it. I know deep down I love my husband very much and would be devastasted if we were apart, so why I keep doing this, I dont' know. I need to work on me a lot. I messed up I know this. I will be starting counseling in a few weeks, much needed therapy more like it. I am going to re-read everybody's posts again as you all make very good points and drive them home well. Thank you all.
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by Bryanp Hello, Here is a thought for everytime you feel weak. Please ask yourself the following question: How would I feel if my husband was doing to me what I am doing to him. Also imagine your husband saying he has had enough and divorces you. Imagine in the near future he marries someone else and seems happy. Do you want this as your future. It can be. The choice is yours. This statement is very powerful and thought provoking. I in all my fogginess never looked at it this way. I guess I always felt like he would never leave me and maybe I feel that and take advantage of that. I know it's me I need to work on right now. But this and all you say is very true.
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by Cecelius I know there are a lot of posts on this particular story, but I'd just keep saying over and over that the BEST way to guarantee that you will never be loved or trusted by anyone (husband or otherwise) is to keep communicating with this guy. When the teacher said that the cheater really only cheats himself, the teacher was only half right of course, but was VERY right on that half. I wouldn't bother feeling guilty about it since guilt is really just a way of getting past what one has done. Just don't do it again. Also, can we give a hearty round of applause for the husband? Holy -- . This guy has stones to put up with this nonsense. I can't argue with this. Even knowing this my logic becomes illogical for reasons I can not justify. But you are correct in stating that my H is nothing but upstanding to deal with this whole mess. And I am cheating us out of love by doing these stupid things.
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay Sweetz... ResDog has the best advice here.................STAY STRONG....SWIM AWAY, SWIM AWAY As for the OM......Sweetz....he's fishing.....thats all it is.....he will drop a line here and there....to see if you'll bite....and looky there...you just did. I garrantee you....when he got your reply, a snicker came upon his face...saying...."HA...I got her". And since you replyed.....I'm telling ya...he will try again. IMO...this guy is slime.......TRUST me....in 6 months you will be replaced with another OW....I feel sorry for his wife....didnt you say she was pregnant?. If ya dont mind me asking....what was your reply to his email? I wrote back saying "Thanks. Hope all is well. Take care". I never thought of it the way you put it but it makes sense when you say he is fishing to see if I will bite. Now it's rumored that his wife is pregnant so we don't know what the real deal is.
Joyce Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Hi Sweetz, I am sorry to hear about your moment of weakness. You are not an idiot. People make mistakes. I was trying to remember if you ever sent him an email asking him to never contact you anymore. If you didn't then maybe you and your H should send him a note asking him to stop sending emails. Then you should block him from your email and from your phone.
stets1997 Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 Sweetz, One other thing to consider. Your husband may have installed monitoring software on your computer that send him an email of every message that you send and receive. It is something that I installed on my wife's computer when I found out she was having an affair and having cybersex with other men. The software hides from the user so you will not even know that it is there. If he installed this, he knew exactly when you received the message, what it said. He would then receive a message when you replied, again, what was said and when. If you then failed to disclose this to him, he would know that you were straying from your agreement and would then start thinking of his response. My advice, tell your h every time he communicates with you.
Author Sweetz Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 The email has been blocked now. The H is all updated on everything going on. I promised him I would do that so I am keeping that promise to him. I do love him. I really do. I know I am not as strong as I had hoped to be. This is a small setback but it will not keep me from going forward in my progress. I will keep you all posted on the latest. Thank you all again.
jmargel Posted December 23, 2004 Posted December 23, 2004 Sweetz, I really suggest both you and him go see a licensed marriage counselor.
Owl Posted December 27, 2004 Posted December 27, 2004 Sweetz- Take a moment and THINK about WHY you responded back. I really don't see anything hinting in your posts to note that. You say repeatedly that you were "weak"...so does that mean you were hoping something would re-spark between the two of you? If that is how you felt, and that is why you feel that you were "weak", then you really do need to discuss it with your counselor. Like you've heard before friend...that contact with the OM is like an addiction...and a little "taste" of it can do a lot to start things over again. Blocking his email is a good thing. I'd suggest you talk with your husband about any other things that you can do to end any type of contact with this guy, and get him totally out of your mind. I'd agree that his email was a "fishing" type contact...and he wanted to see if you'd bite. You "nibbled"...so you need to do something VERY clear to indicate to him that you want nothing further to do with him. Might I suggest a phone call to him, with the husband on the other line? Or an email to him...with your husband's email account clearly shown in the CC line? Anything that shows that you and the husband are a unified front...because I doubt he'll have the cojones to try to keep it going KNOWING that the husband is aware of it.
Author Sweetz Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Owl, I hate it when you are right! On a serious point, when I stated I felt weak and replied back to the email, what was I thinking? I would have to say that I also wanted to see if he would "bite" I guess I would say. I do not see myself getting together with him again. I have had time to reflect a lot lately and going through it all in my head, this man has put me through living hell and has never apologized or acknowledged it once. At this point, I couldn't feel more like a prostitute now if I got back with him. And to think he did this while married, why would I even subject myself to such abuse again? The only answer is what you stated, which is the draw, the attention, the drug like state that I fall into when we use to be together. The addiction is a high that I guess made it all worth it, at least in my head. When I look at it subjectively, it doesn't make sense but that is something I am going to discuss with my counselor when we do meet in a few weeks, and I am excited about it. I know how lucky I am now to have gotten out of this situation with my husband still by my side. I am such a fool to risk losing a great man like him, who I know I will never be able to replace. I am going to be spending a lot of time in counseling looking at myself and seeing how I can better myself and my life and my marriage and "affair proof" my life so that I am never in the situation that I have put my H and my life through the last few years. Owl, you are so great to take the time to help someone like me. Believe me when I say, I don't think I would of had the guts to advance my life and marriage without your advice and great words. I want to say thank you again. I hope others realize that too.
Owl Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Sweetz- Just saw that you were on. Haven't heard from you in ages...how are things going for you now?? Update woman, send an update!! Seriously, I hope all is well for you!
Author Sweetz Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 I tell you, it's going good but of course it could always be better. I would be lying if I didn't tell you some days are easier than others even to this day. But the difference is now I know better, and that's winning half the battle in itself right there. I still find myself awkwardly attracted to the OM even though I haven't talked to or seen him in nearly five months. That is a weakness in myself I need to continue to work out. Again the difference is now I know better than to act on it. I won't lie. It's like a recovering alcoholic. The temptation is always there. I just need to keep it under control.
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