I'm ready for a LDR, he's not

[originalfake]

I met this guy online through mutual friends in the beginning of this year. We started talking and had this instant click. After a few months of obsessively messaging and Skyping we started to get deeper feelings and eventually confessed that we had a crush on each other. It felt like a big relieve when I found out it was mutual but also confusing since we live in 2 different continents with a 6 hour time difference; me in Europe and him in the US.

 

Months passed by and I just couldn't get him out of my system and went from a crush to falling in love. I knew he was dating other girls (and it felt like a stab in my heart) but I had to be realistic about the situation because A. I was also seeing other guys (also as an attempt to forget him) B. we weren't in a relationship and C. we were too far away from each other. So eventually we talked about the situation and decided that I would come visit him and promised that we both had to stay single by then.

 

Finally 3 months later we were together and my heart was complete. He was everything I imagined and everything was perfect..our fun but also deep conversations, the divine sex.. we were just on the same level. He told me in tears that he was so happy to be with me and that he waited for me for so long. He confessed that he was deeply in love with me and told me countless times that he loved me and that he "eventually wants to be with me in the end".

 

I told him I was fully commited to him and that I was ready for a (long distance) relationship. But he said he'd rather not because a LDR is very difficult to maintain and that we should keep things on a hold until we're together again (which will be in 5 months). I totally get where he's coming from and that this is probably the most realistic way to think but it all leaves me so confused.

 

Maybe I'm just overreacting, impatient, dramatic etc. because I know he loves me and cares about me. But I can't shake the feeling of WHYYYY? Why not be exclusive? You say you love me and want to end up with me but you don't want to fight for us right now?

We still talk to each other every hour of the day and act like we're together as a couple. I'm not a naive person and don't like to be one. I know I want to be with him and I would wait forever for him cause I'm that dedicated to him, he knows that.

But why would I? We're not even in a relationship? I don't wanna feel like he's stringing me along because he can't decide if he wants a relationship with me in this situation.

 

What do you lovely people think about this?

Do you guys think I should set an ultimatum or something or wait till he comes visit me and work on it from there? Or should I just set my ego aside, be patient and stop exaggerating?

Edited November 14, 2013 by originalfake

[Els]

You can't have any sort of relationship if only one person wants to be in it - and that goes for LDRs, too.

 

IMO if he doesn't want an R with you, you shouldn't be waiting for him.

[originalfake]

That's what confuses me so much.

We still talk daily like nothing has changed.

He says he wants to be in a relationship with me, wants to spend his life with me, that he's in love with me, I'm his only love, loves me sooo much etc. but he can't seem to find the balls to at least try right now /have some sort of game plan/find a solution with me to close that gap. He wants to continue our "relationship" when he's here but til then, we are free to do whatever we want even though it might break his heart.

 

I know I have to accept that long distance is not for everyone. And I also understand that actions speak louder than words and that I'm just hopelessly holding on to the fact that he says he's in love with me and wants to end up with me.

 

But I guess if he doesn't have the guts to fight for it right now, I shouldn't be either.

Edited November 14, 2013 by originalfake

[soccerrprp]

BLAH BLAH BLAH....

 

This guy is feeding you whole lot of over-emotional BS!

 

 

So, what happens in 5-months? One of you is moving to the other? You to him? He doesn't want to be committed to you b/c he's still playing the field and likes it. He's telling you he loves you to keep you hooked and women, far too many of you, love the "love" word and fall for it every time.

 

Think about it. How can he love you soooo much not really knowing you AND is unable to be exclusive?

 

No plan means no (committed) man. Right now, he wants to continue having sex with other girls. He doesn't love you.

[originalfake]

Well excuse me Who_Knows.

I'm not here to defend my feelings and actions but I don't like your demeaning tone. I don't think you're the one to judge how our paths crossed. Just because we met online through our mutual friends (we both know in real life) doesn't mean that I'm just "a Skype girl" or "just a chat buddy". I've build solid friendships by communicating, might it be online or physically "IRL". With your rant you're also basically sh*tting on people who actually are in a LDR who aren't able to see each other physically very often.

 

Also, you don't know nothing about me and how I live my life so you also can't tell me how I should live my life by saying "go out into the world and enjoy life" cause heck yeah, that's my mission in life. I'm pretty sure I've traveled and seen more beautiful places in the world than you have.

 

I don't live in some sort of dream world and I'm not here to act pathetic and sit around hoping for someone to come with a solution. Truth might be hard, I know that too well.

 

Anyway, my question has already been answered.

[Els]

 

But I guess if he doesn't have the guts to fight for it right now, I shouldn't be either.

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

 

NC. Go out and have fun with friends, cheer yourself up. Might meet a cute guy who isn't a commitmentphobe that way, too.

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn't interested in a relationship with you. That much is clear. My guess is that he likes having you around to chat with and make him feel good, but that he's ultimately looking for someone closer to home. He talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk, unfortunately. I'd start to reduce contact because you're likely going to wind up very hurt when he starts dating someone nearby.

[FitChick]

How old are you both and what is your financial situation? Why can't you meet more often? Are you expected to always go to him?

 

If you both really like each other, you could let this play out and both keep dating others until your next meeting (which should be sooner rather than later). If you have a great time again, then he might change his mind because he will have 'sown his wild oats,' with other women and compared them to you.

 

However, this would only work, in my opinion, if you are old enough and settled enough in careers to get married, because that is probably the only way you could be together in a foreign country.

[The Thinker]

If he's not willing to wait five months for you than he probably doesn't feel as strongly as you do about the relationship. Maybe your best off trying to get over him, as hard as that may be. When you two are together again will it be a permanent thing (like is he moving to Europe or vice versa?).

[nomadic_butterfly]

I met this guy online through mutual friends in the beginning of this year. We started talking and had this instant click. After a few months of obsessively messaging and Skyping we started to get deeper feelings and eventually confessed that we had a crush on each other. It felt like a big relieve when I found out it was mutual but also confusing since we live in 2 different continents with a 6 hour time difference; me in Europe and him in the US.

 

Months passed by and I just couldn't get him out of my system and went from a crush to falling in love. I knew he was dating other girls (and it felt like a stab in my heart) but I had to be realistic about the situation because A. I was also seeing other guys (also as an attempt to forget him) B. we weren't in a relationship and C. we were too far away from each other. So eventually we talked about the situation and decided that I would come visit him and promised that we both had to stay single by then.

 

Finally 3 months later we were together and my heart was complete. He was everything I imagined and everything was perfect..our fun but also deep conversations, the divine sex.. we were just on the same level. He told me in tears that he was so happy to be with me and that he waited for me for so long. He confessed that he was deeply in love with me and told me countless times that he loved me and that he "eventually wants to be with me in the end".

 

I told him I was fully commited to him and that I was ready for a (long distance) relationship. But he said he'd rather not because a LDR is very difficult to maintain and that we should keep things on a hold until we're together again (which will be in 5 months). I totally get where he's coming from and that this is probably the most realistic way to think but it all leaves me so confused.

 

Maybe I'm just overreacting, impatient, dramatic etc. because I know he loves me and cares about me. But I can't shake the feeling of WHYYYY? Why not be exclusive? You say you love me and want to end up with me but you don't want to fight for us right now?

We still talk to each other every hour of the day and act like we're together as a couple. I'm not a naive person and don't like to be one. I know I want to be with him and I would wait forever for him cause I'm that dedicated to him, he knows that.

But why would I? We're not even in a relationship? I don't wanna feel like he's stringing me along because he can't decide if he wants a relationship with me in this situation.

 

What do you lovely people think about this?

Do you guys think I should set an ultimatum or something or wait till he comes visit me and work on it from there? Or should I just set my ego aside, be patient and stop exaggerating?

 

Why would you sleep with him before commitment (since that's what you want(ed) when you knew you would part soon? Not a very wise move. He's full of sshh. I don't see the point in you constantly liaising with someone who doesn't love you back to the same capacity that he cannot endure a measly 5 months. That's nothing! I could understand if there is no end in sight. "I'm so inlove that I want to keep my local options open!" Yea right!

 

Detach yourself from him and find someone with temperance and patience. No need for the emotional torture. You will always want more and he will always give less. He also will have marginal respect for you if he thinks you are at his disposal and will jump over the moon on a whim for him because of how you feel. He's making you an option so find someone who will make you a priority!

[sun1972]

I have to admit i think this guy basically wants to keep his options open and sleep with others.

 

With that in mind, i think all the 'i love you' stuff is crap.. sorry

 

When you love someone you dont want to play the field.

[love1336x]

Well excuse me Who_Knows.

I'm not here to defend my feelings and actions but I don't like your demeaning tone. I don't think you're the one to judge how our paths crossed. Just because we met online through our mutual friends (we both know in real life) doesn't mean that I'm just "a Skype girl" or "just a chat buddy". I've build solid friendships by communicating, might it be online or physically "IRL". With your rant you're also basically sh*tting on people who actually are in a LDR who aren't able to see each other physically very often.

 

Also, you don't know nothing about me and how I live my life so you also can't tell me how I should live my life by saying "go out into the world and enjoy life" cause heck yeah, that's my mission in life. I'm pretty sure I've traveled and seen more beautiful places in the world than you have.

 

I don't live in some sort of dream world and I'm not here to act pathetic and sit around hoping for someone to come with a solution. Truth might be hard, I know that too well.

 

Anyway, my question has already been answered.

 

It's the internet sweetie, people will always be rude!

[Zahara]

He says he wants to be in a relationship with me, wants to spend his life with me, that he's in love with me, I'm his only love, loves me sooo much etc. but he can't seem to find the balls to at least try right now /have some sort of game plan/find a solution with me to close that gap. He wants to continue our "relationship" when he's here but til then, we are free to do whatever we want even though it might break his heart..

 

He feels so strongly yet is choosing to hold off on a game plan? Even at the expense of knowing that you may just go out there and meet someone because for now he feels it's best if you are both free to do whatever you both want? That thought would strike fear in someone that is in love. Apparently for him, it doesn't. And to think you are his only love and he has no problems jeopardizing that.

 

I call BS on this guy.