Luna33 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) Hi, everyone, Here's my situation: I was dating a guy for five months or so, we had great time and it seemed to work well; he had implied many times that he did love me and wanted a more serious relationship with me, though. I wasn't ready for that yet... but once after sex, we opened up about our feelings and I admitted that I loved him, too, more than friends. We both felt weird, actually, so he started to pull away from me (you know talking to me less, etc) until I stopped answering his calls and messages, because I didn't like the feeling and the way he was fading. I heard nothing from him for three weeks until yesterday, basically he was sorry for disappearing, he freaked out and felt pressure (I never acted emotionally or all girlfriendly, not even after sex, I always try to be distant and independent), but that I'm really important to him and he cares for me. WTF? I wasn't very sure how to act, I said the truth: I know he was fading and let him go because we had no relationship, that I did the same for getting involved with him more than I expected. I had time to get over him, but now I'm confused again... This has neved happened to me before, so why men act like that? And how should I respond? Any opinions or advices? Edited November 14, 2013 by Luna33
soccerrprp Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Luna, I would not tolerate such behavior from anyone. Totally inexcusable. For three weeks for Pete's sake! From the sounds of it, you opening up was enough for him to run for the hills and that is a red flag. He doesn't want a LT relationship with you. He probably hoped for a FWB. I'd let him go. Disappearing for 3-weeks clearly shows that you are not a priority to him. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 It's just lip-service, men do it all the time...surprised it was your first, but don't worry...give it time, it'll likely happen again and then you'll know what to do next time and it won't be so confusing. He's not that into you and he wants to retain his independence...he's not ready for something serious and what he said was in the moment, sure it doesn't mean he doesn't care, I'm sure he does to an extent...but nothing like you're thinking or hoping, he'll still yo-yo in and out of your life and just keep you on the hook. You're on the right track with your mind, you let him go...you knew he was fading and his actions were matching his words, so he backed off and you let him...but of course he came back, you see some guys want you to want to chase them and want you to want to want them back... damn I said want a lot there... Anyway, what you should do is say that you're not interested in being with a man who isn't ready for a relationship and that you're not going to play games with him, you're done with this FWB scenario. And then actually mean it...and cut it off, whatever you do...make sure you're going to actually do what you say, otherwise a man will just roll his eyes at you and then do what he wants, and like a silly goose you'll be on board with him and he'll just lose respect for you, thinking he can do whatever he wants with you and never take your feelings seriously. With that being said...dating a guy for 5 months without a relationship/commitment...you should already know where that is going to lead....FWB's. 1
melell Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 I kind of disagree with above... Anyway, I think you understand the situation quite well. For whatever reason he didn't like thinking you two were becoming close. He backed off. Not point wondering about his intentions. I don't think it is fair to assume it is game playing- as long as you know you are being honest then you should be happy with yourself. From here I would just let it go. You were honest, that is the best thing you could have done. Don't take it personally- onwards and upwards. I think there is something to being aware of the many possibilities- but having assumptions about the way people act, and applying it to everyone is not the best option.
soccerrprp Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Luna, The truth of the matter is that he went silent, backed-off for THREE WEEKS. He essentially and undeniably FLAKED on you! It doesn't matter what we think he was thinking, rather, he demonstrated, without ambiguity, that he did not respect you enough to communicate in any fashion for 3-weeks. You cannot tolerate this. Guys or anyone that can disappear for extended periods of time are to be avoided....really. 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 Look, if a guy is that into you, he will put fourth the effort in the first weeks. He will make it known he wants to try for something serious with you. I have not been ready for a relationship, but the guys who were truly into me knew they wanted to head in THAT direction within a week of meeting me. It does not take 5 months for a guy to work out if he is nuts about you; in which case, if he was head over heals, he would want you to be his girlfriend, in a serious relationship by 5 months.... My old FWB and I really fancied each other. We could have dated and grown real feelings. He revealed this, and I felt the same. We would have dated had he not met that girl overseas first and be tossing up about whether to continue with her. He texted every day. The thing is, after a month with me, if he really felt that compelled by me, he would move mountains to be with me. Even though I told him I wanted FWB and nothig serious. He had a girl he met overseas before he met me he was figuring out what to do with, but if I was the one for him, he would have realised throgh spending a little bit of time with me and acted on it. A guy, like this guy, may very well LIKE you a lot, and even have felt a little romantically inclined. My ex FWB certainly did. He regards me with great affection to be honest. This DOES NOT mean they are falling madly in love with us. If they were falling that hard for us, they would be with us. There is noone holding a knife to their head, telling them not to be with us. They choose to keep their options open. Most guys do not get freaked out when they meet the "one". Not unless they have real problems. 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2013 Posted November 14, 2013 And not all men pull away after intimacy. Never really happened to me. Things have ended for other reasons. It is not the norm. No guy I know who met a girl they really liked pulled away after intimacy. Only guys who: have pyshological issues, or are either not comfortable being so close to you since tey are not truly into you OR they got what they wanted from you and their interest level is waning so they bail. Normal, healthy guys do not pull away after intmacy with women they are interested in. Plenty of normal guys do, however, pull away after being intimate with the girls they do not regard as relationship material. They either get uncomfortable with spending all this time with you or they get bored. Or both.
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