CA20 Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Ok, this may be a little long, but I want to get everything out. I am looking for some advice on what to do here. I was with my Girlfriend for a little over a year. We had plans of marriage, and I even proposed and she accepted. I made a mistake by not coming right out and telling my family for fear of them not accepting it, and I told her ( my new fiance ) that I had, and I was intending to do so, but looking for the right time, but she was asking me if I had told everyone yet, and I felt trapped. Now I know that was a mistake number 1 not to tell them right off, and number 2 to lie to her about it. Well, she found out eventually and I was caught. I came clean and begged her to forgive me and to let me make things right and what did she do? she canceled our wedding, our relationship, everything. She left me saying she could not find it in her heart to give me a second chance. Now before anyone says I deserved it, let me clarify the ENTIRE relationship. I treated her like a queen. I doted on her, gave her anything she wanted, surprised her at work with flowers and such when she least expected it, etc... By all accounts from her family, mine, and others, I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She told me she loved me early on in the relationship, and I loved her too. The problem is that we fought often. She had quite a temper, but could be a sweetheart as well. We did everything together, even moved in with each other. There were times when she did things that I gave her second, and third, and even fourth chances on. She never cheated on me, but she did some questionable things that normally would have had me out the door, such as getting drunk on Valentines day and throwing a bottle of wine at me because I would not let her leave to get more alcohol. Things like that....very tumultuous relationship in some aspects. Anyway, the bottom line is I don't understand one bit how I afforded her all of this leverage and gave her the second chances that I did, and was so good to her and we had a wedding planned and everything. The dress was bought, the Chapel was reserved...everything! and one time I make a stupid mistake ( I never once lied to her at all except this one time when I got stuck in my own stupid mistake ) one time....she cannot even afford me the chance to make things right. She just came out, cut and run, goodbye....she said that ' I cant find it in my heart to give you a second chance' ....for someone who professed to be so in love, and wanting to marry me and doing some of the things she did, and the way I treated her to just up and cancel everything on this one event puzzles me. I know what I did hurt her, but it was not intentional, and as one person told me..' its not like you came out and told her you lied about being in prison or cheating on her' I know a lie is a lie, but this was something, I feel, that if she really wanted this as bad as me, that we could have worked it out. Its akin to someone with a clean record making one stupid mistake and getting the death penalty. She said she has moved on, we both moved out, and she now lives with her friend. she said she wants nothing more to do with me. we fought a lot more at the end mainly because of what I felt was a rash move for her to make. This was a month ago, so I am slowly getting over things, but I cant help but think why she acted like this.....I could understand obviously being mad, but she knows how I am, and knows this was a dumb mistake that I admitted to her and asked her what would make things right for HER. I told her anything to save US. her mantra became, almost literally, ' no second chances ' ' its over '...any help as to what she could be thinking would be appreciated, because I am not blind to what happened, however, I think after you have invested all the time, emotionally, financially, and physically into what we had and had PLANNED, that something like that could have been worked out and repaired. Thanks....By the way I am new here, and have been reading the board since this happened, and got the courage up to share here. I hope everyone is doing well.
VirginiaBob Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Hey, at least she left you for a mistake you made. Mine didn't. She just left less than a month before the wedding (scheduled for this Jan. 1 coming up - yes everything reserved and paid for already, cost me $12,000) date because she suddenly decided that she never loved me in the first place. Said "yes" when I proposed 8 months ago, said "I love you" to me at least twice a day. The relationship was going great and we were both happy as can be, and then, out of the blue, she gives me the ring back and says she can't marry me because she never really loved me. The no-so-funny thing is that this is the 2nd time that I was engaged (which she knew) and the 2nd wedding I paid for where the girl backed out. I have learned my lesson for next time. Next time, I'm getting married first at the courthouse or a stop in wedding chapel, and having the celebrations with family and the big fluffy church wedding at a later date. I'd suggest you do the same.
Author CA20 Posted December 22, 2004 Author Posted December 22, 2004 Oh, Man I am sorry to hear that! You seem, from the last paragraph, to be taking it a lot better than I would in that situation. I agree with your last statement completely. It just blows my mind how women, or anyone for that matter can string you along like that and then decide at the worst time that they are not ready. After everything had happened with us , I overheard her telling her mother that she wanted to be ' single and entertained ' I think that she must have had doubts but that since she was so gung-ho about the marriage she did not really know how to break it to me that she wanted to be single again and was not ready. I feel that what happened gave her that excuse to bail on everything, because In the grand scheme of things, it really was not that bad, and for her to up and end everything almost overnight because of something that could easily have been corrected made me wonder. Like I said, I know she was not seeing anyone else, but she told me that she had quite the experience while she was in college, and I feel that she missed it and wanted to go back to that part of her life again. She, like your ex, was ready for marriage, told me everyday how much she loved me, and even through the tough times, and fights, we never went without telling each other that we loved each other, no matter how mad we were about something. I just think she needs to get out and she has a lot of growing up to do, and as I was told by one of my ex-girlfriends who I am still friends with, Better she did this now than when you were married. I suppose she is right on that count, and even after she broke up with me, we had contact because I had to get my stuff from our place, and she was extremely down and depressed, even though she made the decision to do it. I think she will go and do her thing and that apparently she has moved on. I just don't understand what goes through a woman's head sometimes!
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